Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Not much to say.... just tears

I really don't have much to say. I just want to crawl under the rock and stay there. I pulled out the old file last night and read it top to bottom... all 24 cycles that I had at the clinic and the numbers the E2 levels and how they fluctuate cycle to cycle or the follies turn into cysts. What was hardest was seeing the cycle I got pregnant with the girls. E2 went a little crazy then too. But that worked! :( I don't know.. I read all about the stuff they don't tell you I read that I had a subchorionic hemmorage then and didn't know I read that there was a suspicion right from the very very first u/s that something was wrong and noone said anything hoping it would resolve itself. I read all the comments and I cried. I had a good cry because I was sad for another setback but I started to think negatively for the first time in months. I was just thinking that everything would turn out ok and fooled myself again. This is my only chance my one and only IVF chance. I need everything to be perfect! I cry for the physical pain I am in, I cry for the emotional pain I am in, I cry because I miss my girls and that happiness... and I cry because I am so worried I will never be a mom and all this shit, all this pain and suffering will have been for NOTHING! We celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in September and we would have had our beta that week... it would have been too perfect! OBVIOUSLY TOO PERFECT! SO THAT MEANS IT WOULDN'T WORK! I hope that next month I can continue.... and there are no cysts... but the realuity is that those 35 follicles some will be cysts! So that means October/November time frame for the next cycle. DAMMIT! All I can do is pray. Pray it will be ok and pray that my journey will finally have a happy ending. For those who have asked and commented... thank you for your postive thoughts and prayers. The physical pain is getting a little better. but the CM is increasing which means the estrogen level is going up.... which means they are still growing. Right now the headaches are tolerable but the heartburn is causing me to take 2 bio enzyme pills during the day becaise I feel like I am having a heart attack. 2 days in a row this has happened... my stomach is constantly making noises and rolling which is ironically very reminiscent of my pregnancy with the girls.. I swear to you I feel butterflies.... I take it that is a sign from Grace and Anna that they are gonna help me get through it. Ironically I discovered that the bracelet that said love my girls on it those very words appear to have been scratched out. I should have known that was a bad sign... anyways on this day I am thinking and feeling that they are giving me signs... now wasn't right. Things would have ended badly.. lets start things off fresh and right. USE your MOUTH tell them what you are thinking and feeling! I shall! Believe me I shall!

2 comments:

Cathleen said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers sweetie. Waiting sucks. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Kat said...

You have brought me to tears hon ((Hugs)) Oh man. I can totally relate to that feeling of hopefulness, only to have it crushed to smitherings...but you know as much as it sucks, there is always something there to remind us that there's still hope. I agree with you that your sweet girls are there with you right now, making you strong and letting you know it will be OK no matter what. I know it's hard but hang on to your hope. As always I am praying for you guys, praying that you get your much deserved little one(s). XOXO

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie
Always on our minds, Forever in our hearts (June 28, 2006)