Just because I am a white Canadian doesn't mean I am not proud!

I am so thrilled that President elect Barack Obama won. I feel like change is coming and we will all be witnesses to the biggest moment in history. I am proud to see that something is happening in my lifetime that I really didn't ever believe would.. even just months ago I thought it was possible but not probable. I believed that there would be people coming from all the cracks and counties to ensure that this wouldn't happen and yet to my shock and surprise I woke this morning to the greatest news of all. I wanteed to scream and shout and sing the praises. Martin Luther King had a dream and today that dream was realized. Congratulations America today you started something that can only bring positive change and even though I am just a white Canadian I am truly proud and excited.

Ontario The Beautiful

Bitter Bitches Unite!!

HELLO!

Ok after being silent and taking some time I had to come out and say is anyone sick of hearing about all the pregnant celebrities!?? Especially the twins!?? Give me a friggin break! As if it is natural... ya something must be in the water!? YA INVITRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK I know the preggies follow me around everywhere I go and now my sister sees it too. You can't even walk to your friggin car without seeing someone happily strolling with their newborn or fat belly rubbing it or someone dropping off their latest ultrasound on your desk or e-mailing it to you.. OR MAYBE EVEN E-MAILING PICS OF A FRESH NEWBORN!! Yup I have had em all and all by people who know what we just went though. People just don't get it! I am sad to tell you that my poor sister is still suffering through all the miscarriage crap and part of it is still in there... but she has become my bitter bitch buddy!!! Its kinda sad but great to have a partner who gets it. SHe totally gets it the way your heart drops when you see a preggie or new mom with her baby, the way tears sting your eyes thinking why isn't that me!? She is my bitter bitch buddy and kthough I really do wish that she wasn't suffering it is kinda nice to have someone to talk to and grieve with and bitch to. LOL!
I will do my very best to not whine and bitch on this site anymore. I think instead I will post pics from my beautiful new camera! Fall is my favorite time of year! I have hundreds of new pictures... The colours are gorgeous!

Not meant to be a mom

I had my beta today and it was negative. My hubby was so excited about the results he decided to call them himself to get the results.... and they told him it didn't work. We are both devastated.... beyond. I am not sure what is worse feeling like a total failure or a disapointment to my hubby. He has been so wonderful and attentive... even though our hearts our broken my hope is that our love will pull us through. This was it our last chance... our last hope now we are left with 8 years of battle scars and clothes our baby will never wear. Toys so many toys they will never get to play with. I really did start to feel like I was losing our girls all over again. The thought that they will be our only birth experience shakes me to my very core! I wonder how I am going to continue on.. live my life with no children, nothing to come home to at night but an empty 4 bedroom house... How am I supposed to just let go of the dream that has kept me going for so long? I feel like my heart is actually breaking and I don't know how to heal it. My husband who has been my rock now knows that I am offically nothing.. nothing but an empty womb and reminder of all those empty promises. We always believed that we would have children... we talked about it at great length... even when we were dating he gave me a baby name book. Another thing I will never use. I feel like a broken empty shell and I just want to run and hide. Its not about the money it really isn't but at the same time $11,000 just went to a big hole in the sky! I want my daughters back the girls I was promised.. the girls I felt grow and move inside of me... the ones I felt slide out of me after they died... I WANT THEM BACK! How can something be taken from me only to have it as a constant reminder of pain I suffered though and pain I still feel even 2 years later... How I long to have those moments back. Those moments of believing nothing can ever go wrong, the moments of planning our future as a foursome and thoughts of them running to me and calling me mommy, hearing them cry watching my husband light up when he sees them for the first time. I want those moments back! I DESERVE THOSE MOMENTS BACK! Have I not suffered enough? I want to scream and cry and break things... I want to hold my husband and cry like we both did when we found out Grace was gone... then again Anna. He is human its reassuring to know that. Now on to the next day... each day the pain will lessen... but the hurt never really goes away. I now retreat to under the sheets... I want to hide.. run and hide. Wake me when this nightmare is over!

I'm Still Here.....

I am still here not to worry... drinking my gatorade and calling in my measurements.... hopefully at the end of this week I will be free again! Work has been really busy and I spend my nights watching my premieres!! I love premiere week!!! :)

3dp3dt - A nightmare morning

I woke up this morning in excutiating pain. I just lay there screaming and crying.... I cannot remember ever having that kind of pain in my abdomen before.. it was also accompanied by throwing up and diarrhea. It was just horrible. I called my poor sister just bawling my eyes out and screaming and she got my hubby to come home... I was soo panicked that something was terribly wrong. I finally called the clinic and told them what was happening and they told me to com in immediately that I was overstimulating. As I am on the phone with the nurse she asks me how many times I had thrown up.. and I said 3 this morning... uh oh about to be 4. And right then and there I throw up while on the phone with her... Finally my hubby came home and took me to the clinic and after many hours there and bloodwork and ultrasounds and a fever we discovered that yes I do have extremely swollen ovaries and fluid. I neeed to be very careful and rest. I am not on bedrest but I am not to be up and about for more than an hour at a time... and I am to rest. I also have to measure my abdomen and fluid intake/urine output and weight and report these to the clinic every morning at 7:30am and if there is something concerning I will possibly need to go in for another ultrasound and bloodwork. I will admit I feel best when I am laying down so I did lay down most of the day but I am still being good and drinking my gatorade. What a frightening day overall. Next week I will be working from home because the doctor doesn't want me to be up and about so much for the next week.... I am very lucky that I can work from home and have an understanding manager. I read the other day a great saying and I think it applies here... We never stop going through pain for our kids and its always worth it! I agree ....

Now for the funny part

My husband is sweet and adorable and panicked and extremely petrified that something bad is going to happen to the kids..... (in utero) I am trying to be positive and talk to them but since it is our only chance we are extremely sensitive!

Well there we are at the clinic and he is talking to the blood lady asking for a pregnancy test or can they test me for the toxiplasmosis... poor woman is like why did I come to this room!?

THEN we are in teh ultrasound room I am laying there while she is scanning me and what does he ask.. are the EGGS ok? I shoot him a look and say EMBRYOS!!! She reassures me and him that they are well protected. He literally leans back on the wall and the dimmed lights suddenly become bright! Thats right he leaned on the dimmer....... This is my husband... then he is asking of we can see the AGAIN EGGS I correct him EMBRYOS he wants to see them on the screen!!! THEY ARE TOO SMALL! OMG I look at him and say zip it! He is a little embearassed but does he stop!?? O NO he is asking what she is seeing and if the ulttrasound machine is warmed because the jelly is so cold...the woman is laughing and explaining everything to him tho and has a good sense of humour about it... she wasa as gentle as she culd be and I am sure he was talked about with the nurses in break room toay... HE IS LUCKY HE IS SOOO CUTE!! LOL!! He had to help me walk around and I made him carry my purse as punishment!

Transfer et al

OK So after the retrieval I was in alot of pain for several days so I didn't update.

Afer retrieval they retrieved 18 eggs. 10 were mature and were ICSI'd and 5 fertilized. Out of 5 embryos only 3 made it to the day before transfer and on day of transfer we were left with only 2. BUT they were grade 1 and I have stioll got a lot of hope and faith... more on that shortly.

On our anniversary my mother in law told my DH that she has breast cancer and she had her surgery on the day after my transfer. We were all waiting anxiously to hear if she was ok and I spoke to her this mornign for a long time and she sounded great. Thank God. The got the lump and lymph node and we will know more in 2 weeks.

OK so on to the good stuff. The day of transfer was exciting and nerve racking... I kinda thought that we would go in and there would be none that survived... but to our shock there were 2.. sad we lost the third overnight... but happy there were 2. None to freeze and that really sucks but I have sooooo much hope and faith that these 2 are gonna make it for the long haul! So we went in and changed into our gowns and into the OR fairly quickly... sorry no pics this time.. and when we went in they did the u/s scans and tehn she left to go call the dr cause we were ready.. .my hubby says to me can you reach the kleenex she left a glop of goo on your side... ya she put the gown overtop of it... I CAN FEEL IT ITS COLD TO THE SKIN!!! LOL! So here he is wiping all the goo off my boobs and side.... LOL quite the scene. We looked up and noticed there was this big dome just above the table... and I said OMG do you think thats a camera he is like ya I think it is... so I start laughing thinking omg there is porn noone wants to see!!! LOL! cause its angled right down on my hoo hoo that is exposed for the world to see.... so my doctor comes in and he comes right over shakes our hands apologizes about the retrieval... I guess everyone knows I had a bad reaction and felt alot of pain eh!?? And gets right to it.. the embryologist comes in and tells us about the embryos and says you want both put in and we agree and I sign papers stating that and then the doc says ok get em ready.. .so he jacks me open sticks in the catheter and is showing my hubby the whole time what he is doing.. .I swear to you I can envision him and the doc goin out for a beer and hanging out togehter... he just loves my hubby... LOL! Its more like he was there interning than there to hold my hand at this poiint.... but whatever eases him... its a strange situation... LOL! He had to wiggle it in so I guess I am still a difficult person to get into but NO TERRIBLE TENACULUM!!! WOOHOO!! Then he loads in the embryos and I cannot beleive it but there they are on the screen and then he asks hubby does that look like a good spot... UMM HELLO??? LIKE HE WOUDL KNOW!? HA HA Hubby says ya and woosh they are released an you see these tiny little specs float.. i think my hubby really liked it he later told me it was so neat to see that... last time my sister came with me not him so this was a first for him! She confirmed that the catheter was clear and indeed 2 are inside and ta da you are done! Now I literally drank 2L of water so I have a very full bladder and she says ok you can go pee when you are ready. I WAS LIKE WHAT!?? I ain't peein... even hubby was shocked I didnt have to go. I waiteed as long as I could... about an hour.. then I had to go.. .and go and go and go.. I swear to you 2 days later I am still peeing out all the water! I came home and rested.. since I had a really bad cold it wasn't difficult. Don't worry I have taken NOTHING for it! Just vitamin C!
It is a strange thought to know that inside you have 2 embryos hopefully not only growing but hatching and implanting! The first day was odd.. the second was just focusing on resting and I finally went out last night with the girls! Nice to just get out!! Today I have cleaned a little bit and rested still enjoying my vacation. I am talking to them alot and I finally came up with names for them..... OK so I do beleive that one is a boy and one is a girl however in light of everything I have named them Hope and Faith. They are all my hope and faith. What is really odd is that these 2 precious embryos are the very best of the both of us! They have in them our strength and our courage and everything inbetween! I talk to them constantly I tell them how much their mommy loves them and how incredible it is to love something so tiny so completely! I wish I could explain the feelings I have.... I am very emotional right now and I know alot of it is because of the hormones and the progesterone but alot of it is just soo much hope and faith... inside. PUN INTENDED!! ;) I think I am going to go crazy with my husband however.. he has decided that I can have ZERO STRESS and not be upset by anything... and our cat needs to be remvoed from the home because even though I wont be changing the litter he feels the microscopic fumes can infect the kids... I swear to you he actually said that! He has also lectured me about soft cheeses --no more goat cheese and no more steak done medium..... its uncooked! IF HE IS THIS PARANOID NOW IMAGINE once I am actually pregnant... and dare I say... once the baby is born!? Frightening thought isn't it? He asked me to take next week off as well but in light of what is going on at the office right now I am not taking more time off I have been off 2 weeks that is enough. I will watch my stress levels and I will take my BP at home and behave. So far at lunches I have been eating salads I make at home with apples and grapes and cheese... Not to worry it was mozzarellla... I heard that was ok!! and the dressing was ranch. I am trying so hard to eat better and not sit and eat crap. I also read and was told my good friend and fellow 2ww'r KAT that warm foods/hot foods are what you need to focus on cold foods are bad! So I am having hot dinners... I will do whatever it takes to make this take! I am even back to wearing my fertility necklace! I haven't worn that since I was pregnant with my girls. I have been thinking about taking the cross off urns and wearing it again.. I need all the help I can get. What a different world we live in.

Have you seen this video? OK I cried through it but its a great video!!!! Even though I am not an American I thought I would share.. beautiful song written by Bono and played by Dave Stewart... you may remember him from Eurythmics....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVi4rUzf-0Q



I would also like to take this opportunity to tell you about my sister. She is at a new clinic.. my clinic and she is seeing a specialist who gave both good news and bad news to her about her situation with recurrent miscarriages. She also told her that basically everything and anything that the old placae told her was wrong. They should have done other test been more aggressive retested etc... She went in for an u/s afterwards they told her nothing was left after the miscarriage today she discovered that was not the case... still retaining some... and she has to take those nasty pills to expel it. I am disgusted by that place and if I wasn't trying to reduce the stress in my life I would turn around and go to that place and just rip into them. Their lack of care and attention to her is unacceptable! Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers... She means soo much to me and all I want is everything for her. FOR US! Here's hoping she can finally get answers and her dreams will come true!

3DT INFO

3 day transfer-

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

So much to tell.......

OK BAD BLOGGER I KNOW!! Soo much has happened.... This is going to be a long one... but the good news is I have lots and lots of pictures to share!


First of all Friday September 12, 2008 was our 10th wedding anniversary. I woke up and noticed tehre was a big black box with a key lock on the tv unit so I picked it up and there was a note.... FIRST OF ALL my hubby and I have a sick sense of humour at times... So the note said "DICK IN A BOX?" For those of you who haven't seen the video... here it is below

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhwbxEfy7fg

Anyways now that it is in context!! Here is the picture of what he did for me... I must admit I laughed my ass off.....

I open it up and realize he has a game planned..... OK for those of you who are thinking this is normal for him... I will tell you that in 10 years of marriage this is THE MOST ROMANTIC THING HE HAS EVER DONE! He is never romantic like this.... the timing was just perfect because I had triggered on Thursday night and was starting to feel it and getting nervous about the egg retrieval on Saturday so this helped to just put my mind on something else for a while! More on that little adventure later! ;)

So I called him and kept asking whats in the box.. and he said have patience!! LOL! I laughed and said ok well where is the key.. he said not in the house so I took that at face value... well 2pm comes rolling around and wouldn't you know it there is a knock at the door... (sounded like the dude was going to knock through the door) anyways I open it and there is this man standing there with this beautiful boquet of chocolate covered strawberries! Here is a pic of the before I opened it and then after as well...



Here is a pic right after the delivery

The opened basket... mmmmmmmmm chocolate covered strawberries!! MY FAVORITE!

Well I look at the card attached and OMG if there wasn't a clue attached. Here is the clue:

Well I start laughing like a giddy little school girl its a riddle... I am soo excited so I run out to the backyard and find this in the blue bin.....

NOT A TAMPON its a scroll with another clue

This is the scroll unrolled

It says third floor spare bathroom... you have to put the 2 pieces together and hold them to the light to read them... yes this took me a couple minutes to figure out... I admit it.

This led me to the basement fridge... this time I had a gift with the clue

Diamond earrings... very beautiful! Did I mention I am a lucky lady!?

I mistakenly thought this was the last clue.. LOL OK so I had a dumb day! LOL!

This was supposed to lead me to our yearbook from 1994 but I didn't read into it the way he expected and I found clue #9 instead next.. .LOL eventually I figured out (with help from hubby) that I had missed the actual idea... LOL some days I am just so dense..

This one was the hardest yet.. It was supposed to lead me to the PS3!! I wasn't really getting that needed a little more of a clue.... LOL!! The Memory part is because the clue was in the memory card section of the PS3 he obviously thinks I am smarter than I am!

Who says Higily Wigilty do?? HAHAHAHAHAHA This led me to the warming drawer in our oven. That one was easy! LOL

This led me to the closet where the clue was hanging from the celining... too funny....

This is a picture he had taken with the camera... what is soo funny.... is that my memory card broke and I deleted alot of the pics on it that morning so this one needed a new clue.. he said eagle.. if I told yu how many eagles we have in this friggin house... pictures and drawings and stuffed animals and carvings... NOT MUCH OF A CLUE!!!! It was behind the big eagle painting oon the wall upstairs... and also along with that there was a gift certificate to Turtle Jacks... my fav place!!! :)

This one was a little obvious... each clue had a letter and needed to unscramble it to reveal ROYS KEYS! Hooray I can finally open the black box! OK So I open the black box and inside it is a black shirt with swarovski crystals all over it... Really really pretty... so I read the card that is with it and discover that these crystals are in a pattern.... this is what the stars looked like the night we got married. A really unique and really cool gift! http://www.starologie.com/

What a fantastic day! We then went out to Turtle Jacks for dinner... my favorite place and I pigged out on my fav foods.... the last meal before retrieval the next morning!

Retrieval

We arrived for the retrieval and I took my ativan to help calm me down... what can I say.. well it just made me smile and giggle and feel weird and then we were called to the back room I got changed and put on my gown and hubby put on his gown and mask and booties and hat... yes the hat is too small for his big head... hilarious!!! The nurse came in and put in my IV and then shortly after that we were taken to the OR. I was soo greatful that he was allowed to come into the OR with me. I got up on the table and breathed slowly and then the doctor came in. He would tell me what he was doing... i.e I am inserting the needle now.. which was fine but I instantly started cramping... then he was pushing the needle into the ovaries and sucking out the fluid (eggs hopefully) and suddenly I started feeling alot of pain... my lovely husband who was hidden behind the mask.... well his eyes just told me how scared he was... he could tell I was in alot of pain... He grabbed my hand and squeezed it so tightly and he would watch them and say ok this one is almost done.... then they would move on to the next one. I still don't understand why they give you an IV with pain meds if you feel things!!!!! Eventually it was over and the embryologist came in and announced we got 18 eggs! WOW! I was soo happy about that. I had such high hopes. We went back to recovery and instantly I felt sick.. I lay there thinking OMG I am going to be sick so my hubby (who has been through this before with me-- I always have bad reactions to anaesthetic) grabs me one of those containers and I start holding it in front of me wretching. There wasn't really anything to throw up because I hadn't eaten in 12 hours but still i knew I was going to puke.. There was this noise... bang bang bang not sure if it was the pipes or what but it was driving both of us nuts! Eventually I did throw up several times and the nurse came in and put a cold washcloth on my head.. My husband was rubbing my feet and trying to make me feel better... his idea of making me feel better is bring it up don't keep it down.. just throw up... OK how about I poke you in your insides with a needle 18-20 times and then see if you want to wretch and throw up!? MEN! Eventually the nurse brought me a dextrose bag and once it pushed through my IV and I drank an applejuice I started to feel better... we were there for a loooonng time though.... we were there after the clinic had closed.... LOL! Typical for me. Once I started to feel better my poor hubby was spent.... he asked if it was ok that he go out and get a coffee poor guy was starving.. and the banging on the pipes were driving him nuts... LOL! So I told him to go get a Tim Hortons coffee but DONT BRING IT BACK IN WITH HIM! Once he got back I was feeling much better and my BP dropped back to normal and I had run through the IV bag. He told me that he was locked out cause the place was closed... so he had to wait for someone to leave before he could get back in... I laughed so hard... again TYPICAL OF OUR LIVES! She took out the IV and I was able to get dressed. I absolutely LOVED LOVED the nurse that was there she was so concerned about me and tended to me.. I really appreciated it. She obviously loves her job. Below are 2 pictures one of me after the transfer and one of my husband after the transfer lookin so good in his "scrubs" I look like crap but I survived! :)

Here he is massaging my feet... and trying to make a sexy face.... it looks like he is having a stroke doesn't it!?

Here is me just before the wave of nausea hits me and I get sick.

I came home after the retrieval and literally passed out I was feeling soo sore and so sick. I could hardly walk I was in so much pain but eventually (3 days later I am almost completely pain free) A little pain for a HUGE GAIN!

The next day I woke up to my hubby writing a note and attaching it to the balloon. He is such a kid at heart some days!! The note has his e-mail addy and released it and is hoping for someone to send an email so we can see how far it made it! Here is a pic of it flying away! We watched it from the front of the house and it went high really fast... I wonder if we will get an e-mail?

TO BE CONTINUED............................................