Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Not meant to be a mom
I had my beta today and it was negative. My hubby was so excited about the results he decided to call them himself to get the results.... and they told him it didn't work. We are both devastated.... beyond. I am not sure what is worse feeling like a total failure or a disapointment to my hubby. He has been so wonderful and attentive... even though our hearts our broken my hope is that our love will pull us through. This was it our last chance... our last hope now we are left with 8 years of battle scars and clothes our baby will never wear. Toys so many toys they will never get to play with. I really did start to feel like I was losing our girls all over again. The thought that they will be our only birth experience shakes me to my very core! I wonder how I am going to continue on.. live my life with no children, nothing to come home to at night but an empty 4 bedroom house... How am I supposed to just let go of the dream that has kept me going for so long? I feel like my heart is actually breaking and I don't know how to heal it. My husband who has been my rock now knows that I am offically nothing.. nothing but an empty womb and reminder of all those empty promises. We always believed that we would have children... we talked about it at great length... even when we were dating he gave me a baby name book. Another thing I will never use. I feel like a broken empty shell and I just want to run and hide. Its not about the money it really isn't but at the same time $11,000 just went to a big hole in the sky! I want my daughters back the girls I was promised.. the girls I felt grow and move inside of me... the ones I felt slide out of me after they died... I WANT THEM BACK! How can something be taken from me only to have it as a constant reminder of pain I suffered though and pain I still feel even 2 years later... How I long to have those moments back. Those moments of believing nothing can ever go wrong, the moments of planning our future as a foursome and thoughts of them running to me and calling me mommy, hearing them cry watching my husband light up when he sees them for the first time. I want those moments back! I DESERVE THOSE MOMENTS BACK! Have I not suffered enough? I want to scream and cry and break things... I want to hold my husband and cry like we both did when we found out Grace was gone... then again Anna. He is human its reassuring to know that. Now on to the next day... each day the pain will lessen... but the hurt never really goes away. I now retreat to under the sheets... I want to hide.. run and hide. Wake me when this nightmare is over!