In Rememberance..............

Tonight in rememberance of not only my girls but every baby lost I lit my 2 candles.  Here are some pictures.  I like to think about what it would look like from heaven all these candles lit across the world.  I think all our children in heaven are smiling tonight knowing we still remember them and long for them.  There is not one second of one minute of one day that I don't think about them.  You would like to think 3 years later that your heart doesn't ache or that your grief is gone.  Sadly its not and it hasn't.  This day is to be not selfish and only remember or think about my own loss but to have every other person's loss in my memory as well.  Today I rememebered for everyone. 

Wave of Light for October 15th

Thank you in advance for lighting a candle in memory of all our angels

Paging Dr Kelly....

Yesterday while driving home from my inlaws my husband and I were having a conversation about our past and regrets we have.  He said the funniest thing to me.  He said I should go back to school and become a Doctor.  Ya a 33 year old going through school to be a Doctor... thats almost funny.  IRONICALLY... that is one of MY regrets.  That I wasted so much time and money and having nothing so show for it... I would have much rathered gone to school and became a Doctor.  I would have loved to have done that... instead.  He asked me if I was a Doctor what my specialty would have been... What is really funny is I didn't even have to think about it.  I would want to work in the neonatology area with children... but anyone who knows me knows that would be the world's worst idea.... I tend to become attached to people so imagine how attached I would become to a sick baby or their families.  That would be bad but at the same time I would get to spend time with children and since I don't get to have that here at home....  I wonder... He also mentioned to me his regret... a job he always wanted.  Funny the conversations you have.  For the record I encouraged him to try his.. I think like most things in my life.. again its too late for mine.  Maybe I can be the world's oldest candy striper?  HA HA!  I sure wish this was one of the things that the psychic mentioned to me all those years ago.. instead of setting me up for a heartbreak and colossal waste of money and time.

Existing vs Living?

I saw something on Dr Oz today that made me think.  Are you living or are you existing?  If God forbid the worst happens to you... do you something to live for... something to hold on to?  It's a totally human thing to think about isn't it?  What is true happiness?  Is happiness sitting in front of the tv, watching everything on the television or pvr'd?  Spending time playing video games or hanging out with hubby?  Is that truly living?  Or is it just existing?  What defines existing vs living?  I feel like a teacher.. today class this is your homework.. determine whether you are existing or just living.... LOL!  Tell me your thoughts....

I haven't made a comment in a long time.  For that I am sorry.  There have been lots of things going on and I don't even know where to start.  My sister is expecting a boy in November she is over 7 months now and definitely showing.  My little nephew is growing and it is going to be a big change for all of us.  I am looking forward to becoming an aunt again.  It really is an exciting time. 

We went to the local Pearl Jam concert last week.  We had alot of fun... amazing concert.  It is so nice to escape every once in a while.  I love feeling free of all burdens and just letting go and enjoying ourselves.  There really is nothing like it.  I highly reccommend going to a concert and just jumping up and down and pounding a fist in the air and screaming and singing along with the band.. whatever the band.  Very freeing!

An emotional day.........

Yesterday was 3 years ago we went for our big ultrasound and discovered that Grace was gone, but also that they were girls. A truly bittersweet moment. Ironically yesterday my sister had her "big ultrasound" and although we all thought she was having a girl.. it showed she is having a BOY! I cannot believe it and I am in total shock! It was an odd day because I am thrilled for her but sad for me at the same time. What helped was that they went to celebrate and we spent the evening babysitting my niece who is 4 and a BALL OF ENERGY! She loves playing in my house and we love having her around. She went upstairs to the room where my girls reside.. and grabbed a teddy bear and was playing with it.. I honestly didn't want her to play with it but I really don't say no to her too much so I let her. This teddy bear was a gift from the funeral home when I cremated my girls so it is very special to me. She took it outside and insisted it sit on the patio chair (see pic below) and anywhere she went to play she had to bring it with her. In fact the funniest thing happened. We were out the front playing and she ran back to the backyard... I couldn't figure out why I chased her down and she said I couldn't leave the teddy alone in the backyard he has to be with us. I try not to see signs I try not think about things... but I am wondering if my girls were telling her to play with the teddy almost like a sign that they know I am thinking about them and that they are ok with her being my surrogate replacement for them since we clearly have nothing. Maybe I am just wanting to believe it but it kinda makes me smile and anything that makes me smile.... is a good thing in my book. This weekend marks the 3rd anniversary of worst day of my life... the birth of my girls. I cannot believe its been 3 years and I cannot beleive that it still hurts so much. Only love can hurt that deeply. So to all you women out there.. hug your children rub your pregnant bellies and realize you have a gift some can only dream of...

I wrote this poem... I have moments when words just come to me... this was one of them.

THREE YEARS

Three years of sadness, three years of pain,

Three years of teardrops falling like rain,

Three years of anger bitterness and fear

Three years of wishing & prayin you were still here

Three years of hope and faith torn apart

Three years of walking around with a broken heart

Three years of asking and wondering why

Three years of wishing we never had to say goodbye

Three years of memories taken away from me

Three years of wondering why its not meant to be

Three years of prayers that were all in vein

Three years closer to holding you again

Shellie-Marie Kelly

3 years................................

Hard to believe that 3 years ago I was looking forward to my 30th birthday pregnant and expecting twins. Harder to belive that 3 years later we are still "waiting" for that magical moment to repeat itself. I never imagined that I would be 33 and not have any children. All I have ever wanted out of my life was my own children. On the eve of my birthday it seems to me to be bittersweet... I try not to think too much about the fact that if things had worked out differently I would have almost 3 year old girls running around the house.. and life would be so much more different. I have decisions to make about what the future holds for us fertility wise but that is a story for another time. I follow many blogs and I am very happy for all of you that have been successful. I worry about posting my thoughts and emotions because I never want to take away from the happiness those who are successful feel... even if it does feel like a knife to the heart of those of us who aren't successful. The good news is that there aren't many of us left out of the group who haven't been successful so that is truly good news.