IVF MEETING

OK. So I had my appointment witgh the IVF coordinator and I am very excited. My protocol is not what I expected it to be. Not bad just different. It is very interesting that I can feel so excited again after so much has happened. I am really looking forward to the whole process. I love the place I am at they make me feel like they actually care. The treatment I get is like heaven. I walk in there with my head held high and a big smile on my face. I know its odd... and unless you go through it you really have no idea what it is like but for me after everything I have suffered through it just feels soo good to be happy again. To have something positive to look forward to and to be just at peace with all that happened. That doesn't mean I don't miss my girls cause I do. I really really do. And I have no interest in replacing them but this is it. This is our chance. The time is now. And HUBBY is actually excited and going along with everything too. I am stunned and shocked. Feels too good to be true!!

Gout from the heart?

The last week my foot has been aching, hoped it was the weather but the reality is 2 things.... My heart has been replaced by my foot and gout has decided to return again. I go on a diet eat hardly any beef... no alcohol.... just doesn't matter! This week is a very important week. It is a week that will run the gamat of emotions. Hard to believe but next Saturday has been 2 weeks since I gave birth to the most beautiful precious little girls ever. My daughters Anna and Grace. Even 2 years later not a day goes by that I don't think about them miss them or mourn them. I never thought I would be able to move on and to move past the pain but somehow I did. I found the strength that I never believed I had. The strength to live again, to look forward to something.. the future. Yes A future without my girls but still a future! Perhaps a future filled with love and laughing and maybe even a child. Wednesday is a very important day for me. I have my appointment with the IVF coordinator and that is exciting but also 2 years ago to that I already had the knowledge that Grace was gone... but that day was hte last day before our lives changed forever. On February 26th we discovered that Anna was gone as well. I try not to dwell but emotion is an fickle bitch. My heart hurts, my body aches. My mind races. I am so annoyed with this gout coming back so often.. I wonder if its something that comes from the mind and the heart and moves all the way down...... the pain is agony, the pain is horrifying the pill work great for a couple hours when it is at its worse... it makes me so sick I am worried I may puke the little food I am able to keep down. Very reminiscent of my labour with my girls.. the pain the puking sad but true. Once I start on this journey... my final journey I vow I will update this blog to keep record. I just finished watching The Da Vinci code for the first time and I have to say that I just loved it!! I even cried at the end... the thought that Mary Magdalene's sarcofagus is nestled under the stars that she bore a child named Sarah, incredible. I find myself lately being a little more willing to talk to God again. I chose not to watch this movie way back when due to Christian beliefs how ironic that while watching it that I turn back towards God. Life is a very odd and very interesting series of events. Some times they only come when you are ready to receive them. Like messages from beyond.

Like a visit to a theme park

You know that feeling of excitement mixed with terror… when you get in line for the first time to go on the new rollercoaster… you are in line and each step you take is both a step closer to getting on the rollercoaster but yet your heart is beating out of your chest because you are absoloutely terrified? That is how I would describe how I feel now… I am in the lineup waiting for my appointment on June 25th with the IVF coordinator. Excited and yet terrified. This is our one and only chance I am literally putting all my eggs into one basket. Each step I take closer to getting on the roller coaster…starting my IVF regiment. Once I discover what protocol I am going to be on I will know more…. Apparently the IVF coordinator will provide me with all that information. I can’t wait. Strange I know but this ride is our last and I just want to get it started!!! What a bizarre twist of fate that at the end of our journey we are doing the one thing I swore I would never do!