Friday, July 13, 2012

Holding on to what I haven't got.....

For anyone who has watched Greys Anatomy they know that Meredith refers to herself as "dark and twisty".  I like that description and I think it describes me and how I have been feeling lately.  For whatever reason the last few months have been horrible... in every aspect whether it be work or personal.  I feel like I have been run over and then backed over by a bus multiple times.  I have nothing left to give or take.  The only thing that keeps me sane in this insanity is my husband... some days I swear if I didn't have him I am not sure I would exist.  I have recently discovered that when the chips are down and all hope is lost the ONE person I can count on is him.  I am not very open my darkest thoughts and feelings with anyone but especially not him.  I protect him from the darkest parts of me.... I fear that if he ever knew how I feel or what I think that he would run away.  I know I want to half the time.  But he cornered me in a moment of despair and I now realize I am wrong.  Wrong for hiding away and even more wrong for thinking he couldn't handle it.  I almost felt like a weight had been lifted right off me and the dark clouds parted even if only for a brief moment.  I am not acting out for attention I am hurting and I am sad and he understood that. 
I am beyond sad, I am angry for the future I won't get, I am angry for the future I watch others get and squander and not appreciate and I am angry that I have a front row seat to watching the world keep spinning and fulfill the dreams of everyone around me while it rips the ground out from underneath me.  I want something I not only cannot have but will never have and pining away and counting the years where nothing changes makes me cry.  It makes me sad to see how badly I have fucked my life up and I could live with that.  I could accept it and probably move forward if I was alone.  But I am not.  I have royally fucked up BOTH our lives.  My husband and mine... because of me he has suffered the worst heartache and heartbreak.. because of me he wants something that he cannot have if he continues to stay with me.  A big part of me in the darkest recesses knows he is better off without me.  He has a chance to be happy and have all his dreams come true without me but without him how could I exist?  Selfish thoughts like these invade my mind.  They hurt my heart and blacken my soul.  He really does deserve better than me.  He deserves a loving wife who is everything he needs and gives him everything he needs especially children.  He would make an amazing father and I worry he will grow old regretting his decision to not only marry me but stay with me.  Each year that passes is another year I know he too realizes nothing changes... and nothing will.  It has been 6 years since we lost our girls.  SIX YEARS.  We should have six year old twins but instead we have a hole in our lives where they should be.  Six years and nothing has changed.. my health continues to get worse that is the only change.  Great something to look forward to.  O wait it's not positive.  Dark and twisty I warned you..  So not only can we not have children but he is probably going to end up with a sick wife on dialysis.. and I thought I did something in my past life to make me suffer in this one... what the hell has he done?  People think they know me but they do not.  People think my heart is full of love but it's not.. it is full of pain and anguish and it is broken.  I am broken.. nothing can "fix" it or "fix" me.  This is the world that I live in.  I want to be happy I want to sing and dance and play, I am working on it.  I want to enjoy life and travel and I realize none of us knows our future anymore and I am just feeling sorry for myself.  But it is hard for me to just shake it off and move on.  How the hell does six years go by and you can still hurt so much.  How can you move forward in your life without feeling the ache and silence the voices in your head?  I don't think you can, I don't know how but I will find a way.  And if it involves me taking time for me then that is what it has to be.  Noone understands my pain, noone understands how empty I feel everyday and I am getting so tired of faking it.  I feel weak... I feel like I don't have the strength to put on a brave face anymore.  I hope that by writing this down it helps release some of the emotions and hurt and that I feel.  I am exhausted... tired of everything and most importantly I am tired of holding on to what I haven't got.

I am a HUGE fan of Linkin Park and I think this song really speaks to how I am feeling.



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