My Nephew is HERE & I am on a journey.......

The day I had dreaded for the past 10 months came on Monday... an almost 10lb baby boy!
My sister who has also had to deal with infertility and miscarriages gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever had the privlige of seeing... I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle seeing a baby, holding a baby, being around a baby.  I thought my entire world would crash and I would never recover.  This is the first baby I have held since my girls... and even though it's been over 3 years it is still something that hurts and something that sticks with you.  I walked into the hospital with my niece and all I could think about was don't fall apart in front of your sister.  She just went through a hellish labour... The moment I saw him and held him in my arms I melted like a chocolate bar in the microwave.... My heart literally stopped he is just so perfect and so beautiful and those feelings and sadness dissapeared.  This little boy has stolen my heart.  I have a nephew... someone new I can spoil and play with.  My sister who is my new hero. I cannot tell you how terrible her labour was lets just leave at my hero... Like singing "have I ever told you your my hero?  You're everything I would like to be!!  LOL  Think Bette, red hair and beaches ;)  I was lucky enough to see this little boy twice in one day... perfect and innocent and BIG did I mention he was almost 10lbs!??  Queue that hero song again... LOL!  I am working through my issues but now I have something great something wonderful in my life and I am thankful for that. 

On another note I am on a 40 day journey.  This is an amazing journey, a spiritual journey through a book which helping me try to figure out my purpose here on earth.  I highly reccommend it.... It is a different kind of book and it is extremely religious but it gives me alot to think about.  Sometimes you sit and wonder why am I here?  What is my purpose.... this book is helping me realize that there may be more to my life than the fact that I am barren.  Every night you read a chapter... Each chapter you learn a new lesson and each chapter I realize I have so much I need to think about.  There is a life outside of being a mommy... if you talk to MOST mommys they want something outside of being a mommy and I am looking to just be a mommy.  Funny how life is.  I am trying to focus on being a better person.. and not focus on what I don't have and can't have but instead on what I do have... like my beautiful niece and my brand new perfect little nephew.  Both are blessings not just to their parents but also to me.  I hope that they will grow up knowing that I will always be there for them for whatever they need. 
Please join me in congratulations to my sister and her family on their perfect new addition to their family!

In Rememberance..............

Tonight in rememberance of not only my girls but every baby lost I lit my 2 candles.  Here are some pictures.  I like to think about what it would look like from heaven all these candles lit across the world.  I think all our children in heaven are smiling tonight knowing we still remember them and long for them.  There is not one second of one minute of one day that I don't think about them.  You would like to think 3 years later that your heart doesn't ache or that your grief is gone.  Sadly its not and it hasn't.  This day is to be not selfish and only remember or think about my own loss but to have every other person's loss in my memory as well.  Today I rememebered for everyone. 

Wave of Light for October 15th

Thank you in advance for lighting a candle in memory of all our angels

Paging Dr Kelly....

Yesterday while driving home from my inlaws my husband and I were having a conversation about our past and regrets we have.  He said the funniest thing to me.  He said I should go back to school and become a Doctor.  Ya a 33 year old going through school to be a Doctor... thats almost funny.  IRONICALLY... that is one of MY regrets.  That I wasted so much time and money and having nothing so show for it... I would have much rathered gone to school and became a Doctor.  I would have loved to have done that... instead.  He asked me if I was a Doctor what my specialty would have been... What is really funny is I didn't even have to think about it.  I would want to work in the neonatology area with children... but anyone who knows me knows that would be the world's worst idea.... I tend to become attached to people so imagine how attached I would become to a sick baby or their families.  That would be bad but at the same time I would get to spend time with children and since I don't get to have that here at home....  I wonder... He also mentioned to me his regret... a job he always wanted.  Funny the conversations you have.  For the record I encouraged him to try his.. I think like most things in my life.. again its too late for mine.  Maybe I can be the world's oldest candy striper?  HA HA!  I sure wish this was one of the things that the psychic mentioned to me all those years ago.. instead of setting me up for a heartbreak and colossal waste of money and time.

Existing vs Living?

I saw something on Dr Oz today that made me think.  Are you living or are you existing?  If God forbid the worst happens to you... do you something to live for... something to hold on to?  It's a totally human thing to think about isn't it?  What is true happiness?  Is happiness sitting in front of the tv, watching everything on the television or pvr'd?  Spending time playing video games or hanging out with hubby?  Is that truly living?  Or is it just existing?  What defines existing vs living?  I feel like a teacher.. today class this is your homework.. determine whether you are existing or just living.... LOL!  Tell me your thoughts....

I haven't made a comment in a long time.  For that I am sorry.  There have been lots of things going on and I don't even know where to start.  My sister is expecting a boy in November she is over 7 months now and definitely showing.  My little nephew is growing and it is going to be a big change for all of us.  I am looking forward to becoming an aunt again.  It really is an exciting time. 

We went to the local Pearl Jam concert last week.  We had alot of fun... amazing concert.  It is so nice to escape every once in a while.  I love feeling free of all burdens and just letting go and enjoying ourselves.  There really is nothing like it.  I highly reccommend going to a concert and just jumping up and down and pounding a fist in the air and screaming and singing along with the band.. whatever the band.  Very freeing!

An emotional day.........

Yesterday was 3 years ago we went for our big ultrasound and discovered that Grace was gone, but also that they were girls. A truly bittersweet moment. Ironically yesterday my sister had her "big ultrasound" and although we all thought she was having a girl.. it showed she is having a BOY! I cannot believe it and I am in total shock! It was an odd day because I am thrilled for her but sad for me at the same time. What helped was that they went to celebrate and we spent the evening babysitting my niece who is 4 and a BALL OF ENERGY! She loves playing in my house and we love having her around. She went upstairs to the room where my girls reside.. and grabbed a teddy bear and was playing with it.. I honestly didn't want her to play with it but I really don't say no to her too much so I let her. This teddy bear was a gift from the funeral home when I cremated my girls so it is very special to me. She took it outside and insisted it sit on the patio chair (see pic below) and anywhere she went to play she had to bring it with her. In fact the funniest thing happened. We were out the front playing and she ran back to the backyard... I couldn't figure out why I chased her down and she said I couldn't leave the teddy alone in the backyard he has to be with us. I try not to see signs I try not think about things... but I am wondering if my girls were telling her to play with the teddy almost like a sign that they know I am thinking about them and that they are ok with her being my surrogate replacement for them since we clearly have nothing. Maybe I am just wanting to believe it but it kinda makes me smile and anything that makes me smile.... is a good thing in my book. This weekend marks the 3rd anniversary of worst day of my life... the birth of my girls. I cannot believe its been 3 years and I cannot beleive that it still hurts so much. Only love can hurt that deeply. So to all you women out there.. hug your children rub your pregnant bellies and realize you have a gift some can only dream of...

I wrote this poem... I have moments when words just come to me... this was one of them.

THREE YEARS

Three years of sadness, three years of pain,

Three years of teardrops falling like rain,

Three years of anger bitterness and fear

Three years of wishing & prayin you were still here

Three years of hope and faith torn apart

Three years of walking around with a broken heart

Three years of asking and wondering why

Three years of wishing we never had to say goodbye

Three years of memories taken away from me

Three years of wondering why its not meant to be

Three years of prayers that were all in vein

Three years closer to holding you again

Shellie-Marie Kelly

3 years................................

Hard to believe that 3 years ago I was looking forward to my 30th birthday pregnant and expecting twins. Harder to belive that 3 years later we are still "waiting" for that magical moment to repeat itself. I never imagined that I would be 33 and not have any children. All I have ever wanted out of my life was my own children. On the eve of my birthday it seems to me to be bittersweet... I try not to think too much about the fact that if things had worked out differently I would have almost 3 year old girls running around the house.. and life would be so much more different. I have decisions to make about what the future holds for us fertility wise but that is a story for another time. I follow many blogs and I am very happy for all of you that have been successful. I worry about posting my thoughts and emotions because I never want to take away from the happiness those who are successful feel... even if it does feel like a knife to the heart of those of us who aren't successful. The good news is that there aren't many of us left out of the group who haven't been successful so that is truly good news.

Alternate realities, Coma, AF and a new pregnancy!

SOO much to say!!

I am not sure if any of you watch a show called Fringe... but the finale was awesome... The best part the part that got me was that there was an alternate version of this reality.. basically same world different results. I started thinking about it.. wouldn't it be amazing if that were true? We could just travel to the alternate reality and take things and bring them back here. I would bring back my girls and right the wrong from this world. In case you didn't see the finale I don't want to put up what happened... suffice to say I am loving the idea!! The other thought that I have had lately was that this life, this shitty waste of a life that I am living is really only a dream..... I am really in a coma and this hell yes that is what I am thinking this is.. HELL... is all just a figment of my imagination... like your mind putting all your fears and nightmares in one place. How I wish that were true.... I know its not but that would make so much more sense. I am trying to not be filled with anger and jealousy and hurt at all the crap I have to go through. I am fighting my own demons and I will win... but I would really like to know is this for real? All this pain and hurt and sadness is it really something that I just have to suffer through as a test to achieve my goal or is it just the way life is going to be for me? I must have been someone worse than Hitler in my past life to have to go through all this in this one.
On a positive note.... AF FINALLY CAME 10 months late but its here... I don't even want to tell you about the cramps and the heavy and I do mean HEAVYNESS of it! It snuck up on me and I have mixed emotions about it. Yes I am happy to know I am not going through menopause.. that is a great thing. But now I need to really TRY TRY TRY TRY and that is BD BD BD BD! You know once it leaves! Can you really say you spent the last 10 months "trying" when you didn't have a period? I am just not sure... seems like a huge waste of time doesn't it!? i AM NOT GIVING UP! I AM JUST NOT READY TO DO THAT YET! I wonder though will I ever be?
OK on another positive note... My sister has finally reached her second trimester which means this pregnancy is sticking. I am thrilled for her and ask for you to all send her your good thoughts and prayers. After 8 miscarriages it finally worked for her. This is great news and I thought it would be nice to end the blog on a positive note. ;)

Mothers Day

I apologize for being a bad blogger... sometimes its just that there is nothing worth while to say.
First of all whether you are a new mom and old mom a mom of a child here on earth or a child in heaven I wish you all a very happy mother's day. I know very well how heartbreaking mothers day is when you are here but your child(ren) are not. You want that moment so badly and you hate that others are lucky enough to have those moments with their children... then you hate yourself for feeling that way. I feel your pain I feel your frustration and for those of you that are newly pregnant or have little ones enjoy these moments and cherish them, for there are many of us out there who will never have those moments. Take care of yourselves.

I found this wonderful poem that really sums it up for those of us that don't have our children here on earth.

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.
~ by Jody Seilheimer ~

Happily Ever After.....

Happily ever after... I sat and watched a movie last night... made of honour.. Your typical chick flick... leaves you feeling like something is missing in your life. I started thinking of how the day I got married I had those butterflies and those incredible thoughts and feelings.. the thoughts of how wonderful the future will be and how naive I really was back then. You stand in front of God and your families promising to stay together through thick and through thin till death do you part. What happens when the tough times come? DO you ever really think about what you will do when the worst thing happens? When the tough times come? You think, you want to believe that love your LOVE will be enough and will pull you through it all. The reality is that it won't its your faith that will. I don't just mean faith in the biblical sense.. although a little of that won't hurt either. Faith that the person you love the person you married in front of God and all your friends is who you need and who you want who will stick with you through all the tough times and they won't turn and leave when things get tough. They will be your strength and help you become a better person because it was meant to be and your faith in each other and your love for one another will be enough to pull you back from the depths of despair. There are so many tests, deaths, births, heartaches, those damn emotions are so difficult to control. You hurt in ways you never thought possible because you love this person, they would never do anything to hurt you... at least not intentionally. The truth is that when you fall in love you let your feelings and emotions cloud your better judgement and your lust because really alot of love is made up of lust... fool you into believing that nothing can ever tear you apart or break you up. When you feel lonely or sad this person will be there to pick you up and help you out, make everything better. What happens when that is all gone and you are stuck. Do you fight and hope the person changes or do you turn your back on all you believed was right? Do you lose your faith and your hope? Is there something that can heal a broken heart? How do you know when enough is enough and its time to accept it? How dare these movies make everything look like its all happily ever after when really its more unhappily ever after... More like how much heartbreak and dissapointment can a marriage take? Let the truth be known sometimes LOVE isn't enough.... sometimes love is not all flowers and roses its hard work and its heartache!!

At the end of the tunnel is there a light or is it just dimming slowly?

Have you ever wondered what life would be like 10 years into your marriage? Well I always thought that we would be happily married with 2 kids and a house. Reality is a cruel bitch! 10 years married and we have spent the better part of our 10 year marriage trying to have a baby and going through infertility treatments. I fear that now we have to accept the truth... we cannot have children and must scrap the plans we had but the question remains can we survive just the two of us? Is there really life after unsuccessful TTC? I want to say that we can and there is but I am starting to fear that is no thte case. I have lost all interest in BD or any kind of D!! He is miserable and therefore I am miserable... I am scared that without children we will soon realize that we have nothing in common anymore and will grow apart. After everything we have been through I have always thought and believed we could overcome anything and jump any obstacle but I am just not that sure anymore. I think about our future and I am not seeing that happy future I always had seen before, I am scared to even think about how lonely our future is going to be. I have always had hope.. I believe there is still hope but what is really scary is that lately I have been having some very odd things going on with my body. I am having hot flashes and moodiness and NO and I mean TMI HERE LADIES ...... NO LIBIDO! Get away from me isn't even close to what I feel... I hate my life... it is total crap.. i have crappy feelings and feeling of dread and sadness constantly! I do have a dr appt this week because I have had an MIA AF for the past 7 or 8 months... so I am thinking that has something to do with it (lack of AF), maybe its a hormone thing . BUT I am worried that I am going through perimenopause. IF I go through menopause I have nothing left... no hope.. no faith nothing. There is nothing in this world more scary to me than that...

Earth Hour

Just a quick post cause I had to show a few pics of how I spent Earth Hour. I think it is so funny that for an hour ONE HOUR a year... people can't shut off the lights. I know this is really gonna shock all of you... but EVEN I shut off the TV!! I sat for an hour and read a magazine. Caught up on my gossip... just a couple months late!!! I hope you all spent earth hour in the dark as well. What would Earth Hour be without me taking pictures!!!

Secrets........................

Some days my secrets are shown right across my face... other days I am able to hide it.

BUT I have a secret for you...

People ask me constantly how I moved on and how I was able to get up everyday

Here is the answer.

Life is unbelievable, it thows you curves and gives you a future you never saw and never wanted. You sit and cry most nights and your heartache grows with every new pregnancy announced and every baby you see. Today I was driving home from work listening to some great "screamy music" Linkin Park! I was sitting at a red light.... and there in front of me was amom in a minivan and you could literally see her losing her mind.. the kids were obviously fighting and she was doing her best to get them to behave... and all I could think of... is I will never have that moment. Never have to say "don't make me turn this car around" or "don't make me come back there" I think that people really take all these moments for granted while people like us sit there and die a little inside at the thought of missing out. So how do I move on how do I get up everyday. I have hope. Hope that there is more to this life... that people and doctors are wrong. Aside from that... I have just stopped caring! My husband and I used to have the biggest fights we would scream and throw things... ok I would throw things.. but still it was so passionate. The problem is that I just don't care anymore. You always think worst case scenario well for me... worst case scenario already happened. What could be worse.... what could be worse than having your dreams ripped out of you.. waking every day wondering if today is the day that your babies will die inside of you. Losing them and going through horrendous labour and holding your dead babies in your arms. I ask you what can be worse? A stupid fight about sex or money? Not bloody likely! I feel like I am just dead inside.... emotionally. I am really good at acting. I spend all day at work working my ass off and making jokes and putting on a great show. The truth is if I had my choice I would never get out of bed again. I would lock myself in my house because it is my safe zone. Noone can hurt me in here. I am not forced to be fake here, I don't have to deal with people and their babies and their happy little lives. I don't have to pretend here. Here I can be real. Here I am who I am and to hell with anyone and everyone else. How 3 years later it is possible to still feel so raw and torn apart is beyond my comprehension but I do. I miss what could have been.... I miss what should have been. I wonder if I can sustain this marriage... this life without being a mom. I fear that I can't.

As I sit here and drink my glass of wine from a box that has been in my fridge since before Christmas... I am thinking to myself how funny life is. How things happen that you never expected and how short life can be, how full of surprises both good and bad, how 3 years later you can still shed tears for hours at just the thought of something sad that changed your life forever and how the other side fo the spectum things can make you smile and laugh like never before. For those who don't know me I am an addict. I have a real problem... but its not one you are thinking.. I am addicted to televeision. I PVR approximately 50hours a week! FIFTY HOURS! People call me TV guide. AND to make matters worse while I am watching TV at night or on weekends (cause when else can you possibly catch up on it?) I am on the computer catching up on blogs, gossip. tweeting or facebook. Why do I do this you ask? Well I think that its my version of an escape. Some of the shows are sad or mysterious... others make me laugh right out loud and yet others are medical and I feel like I am learning.... Do you ever think of your life and wish you could have a do-over? I wish I could do over my entire life!! There are very very few things that I wouldn't change. There are some people in my life that I would die without so I believe thy are in my life for a reason. They are both friends and family! (in case you were wondering) It is a truly amazing world that we are living in and to think that we are all only here for one lifetime and some of us are made to suffer through unheardof moments.. .moments that would rip your heart right out of your body and yet you still survive... you still find a way to continue on. Just seems so unfair doesn't it? I never ever imagined that my life would be what it is. I never thought for one second that I would not be a mother. I always believed it in my heart.... to tell you the truth I think a big part of me still believes I will be even though I have been told different. It is all I ever wanted.. since I was a little girl and played mommy.... It is just not a truth I can accept. I never will... I can imagine sitting in my rocking chair rocking back and forth with grey hair and my husband sitting right next to me..... and still believing I will be a mom. I think as women we take it for granted that it is just something that will happen. FOr many of us MANY MANY of us an increasing number of us... it won't happen without help. It may not happen at all.... For those of us in Ontario Canada they are having a march. A march on Mothers day where all people like "us" are going to push empty strollers to Queens Park to demand that they pay for infertility treatments... the very thought of it both excites and terrifies me. For those who are in the area.. please do it... I think that it is a great idea.
http://www.conceivabledreams.org/cd/mdm.html I encourage anything that makes the government realize this is becoming a real problem, an epidemic!

Guess Who!?

Can you guess who this is? Unbelievable that they are aging this character! My niece loves her and I am just not sure how much she will be able to do? You may not recognize her since she doesn't have a backpack or boots! OOPS did I give it away? What do you think? Alot of parents are in an uproar about it! I think its kinda funny but odd at the same time!
Thank you for the messages I received yesterday as always I am touched and I am amazed at the support I continue to get from you. You are all amazing women!! I love each and every one of you. Thank you! I have really been surrounded lately by compassion and love and mostly from people who don't really know me. You really start to see who you can count on and who can show you a love like none other.

WARNING EMOTIONAL BLOG WARNING!!!!

OK so maybe its that time of year or hormones or just me but if I hear one more word about Ms. Octomom I may hurt someone! I don't care that she hasn't had sex in 8 years... funny 16 kids and no sex.. no the irony is not lost on me!! No I don't care that she went and spent $1000 on makeup and I especially don't care that she had an exciting weekend! People stop giving this woman the time of day! You are just giving her what she wants.... Ignore her and she will go away! SHE IS NOT A CELEBRITY!

OK so I am becoming what I hate the most a bitter battered broken uterus bitch! Sorry but I have the right to be miserable and sad and be jealous that some people are just so damn lucky and fertile meanwhile there are those of us out there who are unable to bear our own children or have cracked eggs. Yup that is me cracked eggs.... OK I warned you that I am miserable... I have days where all I want to do is CRY! I have days that I sit and wonder why the hell I am even alive.. because really what is the point!? But I still find a way to carry on and live another day. I am so broken hearted over children with cancer. It truly kills me to even think about it (yes Tuesday is still on my mind) There are so many little angels that my heart breaks in two literally in two. I spent yesterday watching Jon & Kate episodes.. there is this one episode where they gave back and showed all these kids with cancer... I finished watching the show and was still bawling my eyes out... I ran upstairs and all I wanted to do was hold my girls.. What a stupid thing. What a stupid thing to forget for just a moment you don't have children. I cried for over an hour.. these poor children and their families what hell they must be going through. Even Tuesday's mom she posted the other day how unfair it is that her kids make pancakes without their sister and you just think of how precious time is. How sad life must be for this woman... and her identical sister, will she even remember her sister?
Sisters - what a great segway! My sister who if she was any closer to me these days would be surgically attached to my side... (WHICH I LOVE!!!!!!!!- see above for reasons to live) has been through her own version of hell lately.. 6 miscarriages and she lost her latest just a little while ago... her af went MIA went for an U/S today and wouldn't you know it... she is expecting again! FUCKING FERTILE MYRTLE!! I love her! I am thrilled for her!! Unbelievable how things turn out. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers that this one WILL STICK AROUND FOR 9 MONTHS! We don't even know how far along she is technically... I believe its around 4 weeks... I know that people think I am completely insane... completely and totally but I love TV. I think I PVR around 50 hours a week... it is my escape from reality. I love it! There are some absolutely AMAZING television shows on the tube these days. It is so hilarious that 1/4 of the shows are comedies... the rest are mostly medical shows. Monday nights are my LAUGH FEST! I laugh out loud so frequently! I highly recommend it to everyone!
I think I have gone through the gammit of emotions through this post! Sorry for that...Hopefully that means my 7 month "dry spell" is ending soon! Emotions are a sign of PMS right?? At least for some women!??
Lastly I want to send a special thought and prayer out to K and Niki I am really thinking of you tonight.. I hope that this is all over with soon and you can move on to the next phase. virtual hugs to you!! Have a margarita for me! (or 10)

OOOO and yes we saw Watchmen! LOTS OF "Little Blue" lots of big blue! HA HA! I loved the movie with or without male frontal nudity... cause really nothing to write home about! LOL!

Scentsy Giveaway

Lynn from Scentsy Wickless Candles recently hosted a giveaway on STL Mommy for a Scentsy warmer and set of Scentsy bars. We are happy to announce that the lucky winner is Selina!
Lynn had so much fun hosting her first giveaway on STL Mommy that she wanted to host another giveaway for all of you!
If you haven't seen Scentsy Candles before they are wickless candles that are safe for you family. The do not release any lead, soot, or wax released into the air that you breath. The wax also is a low melt, similar to a paraffin bath, which doesn't get hot enough to burn anyone.
Scentsy offers many products: Scentsy Bars, Warmers, Plug-In Warmers, Scentsy Bricks, Room Sprays, Car Candles, and Discounted Multi-Packs. If you want to host a Scentsy Party or become a Scentsy Consultant contact Lynn for more information.
Lynn is offering 1 STL Mommy Reader a Scentsy Plug in Warmer and Scentsy bar of their choice!Want to Win? Here's How:*Go to Scentsy then come back and leave a comment telling me your favorite Scentsy Plug-In. You can easily leave a comment by clicking on comments on the bottom right corner of this post!*You can gain a second entry by Subscribing to STL Mommy.*You can gain a third entry by adding my button to your blog or Myspace account. You can also add me to your Facebook or Twitter account and it does count if you added me in the past.*You can gain a fourth by posting this giveaway on your blog, myspace, twitter, or facebook account. Please leave me the link.*You can gain a fifth entry by e-mailing this giveaway to 5 of your friends. Just remember to send me a copy of the e-mail!The giveaway will end April 5th at 5pm.
I will pick the winner through random generator. Please leave your e-mail in this format so I can contact you if you are the winner!stlmommy (at) gmail (dot) com* Please check out my other giveaways!
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the "Ethical Treatment of Human Embryos Act," LOAD OF CRAP!

OK WHERE ARE ALL THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW THIS IS WRONG!??

This is a clear case of people who are allowing their religious opinions to push through their own agenda! Each person is an individual case!!!! Please don't allow this to go though its a slippery slope people should not be governing this and how dare they even try!? I understand people's opinions of the "octomom" are what they are and they have raw nerves about this WHOLE situation but lets let cooler heads prevail! Below is the article from CNN.

PLEASE Send a message to the senators found below (bottom right side is the form)

Georgia Senate Bill 169

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=219



Georgia 'Octomom bill' would limit embryo implants
Story Highlights
Georgia state senator says bill was inspired by "Octomom" Nadya Suleman
Bill would limit women under 40 to two embryos, women 40 or older to three
Critics call it a backdoor effort to outlaw abortions in the state
Bill faces long odds of passing because of timing in Georgia legislature


ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) -- The tabloid-friendly tale of the California "Octomom" continues to stir debate -- this time 2,000 miles away in the Georgia state capitol, where lawmakers say they're trying to prevent a repeat.

Proposed legislation regulating in-vitro practices came after Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets.

A Georgia state senator introduced legislation to limit the number of embryos that can be implanted in a woman's uterus during in-vitro fertilization procedures.
Sen. Ralph Hudgens, a Republican from near Athens, Georgia, said his legislation was inspired by Nadya Suleman, the woman who said she gave birth to octuplets after being fertilized with six embryos -- an unusually high number.
"She is not married," said Hudgens. "She is unemployed, she is on government assistance and now she is going to put those 14 children on the back of the taxpayers in the state of California."
Suleman, 33, had six children before the procedure.
Hudgens' plan, which was co-sponsored by several other senators, would limit the number of embryos a doctor could implant to two for women under 40 years old and three for women 40 or older.
Those numbers are slightly less than what's considered the norm in medical circles.
Don't Miss
Six embryos?! How to avoid a fertility fiasco
Extreme multiple births carry tremendous risks
Commentary: Are eight babies more than enough?
The American Society for Reproductive Medicine recommends no more than two embryos for women under 35 years old and no more than five for women over 40. The reason for allowing more embryos in women over 40 is that it is more difficult for them to get pregnant.
State lawmakers in Missouri are considering a similar bill. And England and Italy have had similar limits on the books for years.
At least some fertility doctors say the limits in Hudgens' bill would hurt chances for women to get pregnant. They say that while three embryos are usually enough, there are special cases when they need more.
"What this bill will effectively do is shut us down," said Dr. Daniel Shapiro, a fertility doctor in Atlanta. "Patients seeking reproductive care in Georgia will go to Tennessee or South Carolina or Alabama. They will just leave."
Breaking the law would carry a fine of up to $1,000 under the legislation.
Some critics of the plan also see another problem, calling it a backdoor effort to outlaw abortions in the state.
The bill, which Hudgens titled the "Ethical Treatment of Human Embryos Act," contains language that says "a living in vitro human embryo is a biological human being who is not the property of any person or entity."
The anti-abortion group Georgia Right to Life issued a news release in support of the bill on the day it was introduced.
"Georgia Right to Life supports Sen. Hudgens in this legislation and wants to see strong protections in place to stop the dangerous practice of implanting more embryos than is medically recommended," the group said, saying the plan would help avoid premature births and low birth weight in in-vitro fertilization cases.
Realistically, the bill faces long odds of passing -- at least in the near future. Tuesday was Day 25 of the Georgia legislature's 40-day session. Legislators will meet 10 more days, then take a break until June, when lawmakers will consider how money flowing to the state from the federal economic-stimulus plan may help their ongoing budget woes.
According the the Georgia legislature's Web site on Tuesday, Hudgens' bill had been read and assigned to a committee, but no other action had taken place.
Some Georgians from the lawmaker's part of the state say they hope he has to keep waiting for a long time.
"Unless the senator is a physician, ethicist or other informed professional, he should step aside and let the medical professionals determine what is best in individual cases," Dorothy West wrote in a letter to the editor of the Athens Banner-Herald, Hudgens' hometown paper. "There are other issues more important to the citizens of Georgia that should be addressed."

Weapons of Mass Seduction

I am a pig. I admit it. I cannot wait till Watchmen is out on Friday and I get to see Dr Manhatten (the blue guy) his naughty bits dangling in the breeze!!! WHAT AN AMAZING day Friday will be. A great movie and a show! HA HA! We have been really looking forward to the movie for it seems like YEARS! I hope I am not dissapointed but hey frontal nudity is a great way to make the time pass... LOL! Yes I know he is creepy and BLUE!!!! Its a stupid post but a funny post! A little laugh for Monday! ;)

http://6minutestomidnight.com/

Hysteroscopic Embryo Implantation

IMPLANTATION!? I know what you are thinking... TRANSFER!!! Listen to this man describe it.. he is implanting it!!!??

Had to share! No wonder she got pregnant!!! Very intresting 70% higher!? WHere do I sign up!?????????

I had to share this video..... yes he is apparently the reproduction endocrinologist for Nadya Sulemann but very interesting... could this be the future of IVF???

http://www.obgyn.net/conference-coverage/conference-coverage.asp?page=ASRM2002/ASRM2002_kamrava&newsletter=090225

I am a walking talking disaster!

Yesterday I woke up and stumbled about and slammed not bumped... SLAMMED, RAMMED SMASHED my foot into the wooden bedframe..... I let out such a loud yell I am surprised the neighbours didn't call the police! It hurt like hell and the pain shot right up my leg and into my head (swear to God!) I started limping around shortly after that so I knew it was sore and badly hurt... got dressed and got in the car to go to my mother in law's house for her birthday.... and we were just about to drive off and my hubby says O the cell phone is on the counter can you go back in and grab it? Sure I said... I got to the door and thought holy shit I have to take my boots off... It took forever to get my boot on my foot and it was shear pain just getting it in there... now I have to take it off again. A HA! I will just take off the one boot that is fine and hop over with the other boot on (there is snow on the ground where we live so my boots are wet) So I hop over and grab my phone and I am just about to step down on to the garage floor when I lose my footing and slam my GOOD foot into the floor... the concrete floor... So I scream another scream... HOLY SHIT in just a few short hours I have now smashed 2 toes!!! I go to my mother in laws place and spend the day doing things but all the while my toes are just throbbing. When we finally get home I show my hubby my feet. The pinky toe on the right foot is just completely black and purple on top sides and underneath... I am sure its broken. The toe beside the big toe is also purple but only on the top half and the bottom half is black.. .perhaps also broken... Today my feet were still sore and I was feeling ok so I went outside and walked a bit... good news is that I can wear another pair of boots I own without excrutiating pain. (hooray) I come home and decide to do a load of laundry I am limping up the steps to the second floor and talking to myself... still feeling like a total moron about smashing 2 toes in one day and what do I do?? I ram my pinky toe (that was already broken perhaps) into the tide box on the floor... new tide box.. hard tide box... I scream so loud the cat runs away from me and hides. WOW WHAT A STUPID PERSON I HAVE BECOME! THEN not 3 hours later AGAIN I am doing laundry and I am bending down under the cupboards in the laundry room and get up fast and crack my head on the bottom of the cupboard... I scream so loud and start having a freaking fit at my stupidity! Good thing I have a hard head!!! HA HA! My GOD WHAT A FREAKING COUPLE OF DAYS!!!!! My feet are killing me my head is killing me and the medicine that soothes my pain is alcohol.. I would love to tell you I was drunk when all this occurred but sorry I WAS STONE COLD SOBER! S O B E R ! ! ! What a life!

Faker!

I have a confession to make. I am a fake. Almost 3 years ago I died and the person you now see before you emerged. She spends all day pretending things are fine and her life is perfect and she is happy. In actual reality I am faking it. I want a baby that didn't change when I lost my girls. That doesn't change because my last ditch effort failed and I cannot have children. These wants and needs and desires and pain just don't dissapear. I moved forward with my life, left my past in the past and I tried I mean really tried to move on. I don't want to forget what happened it is a part of me... some days I think its all of me. I still think of them all the time, I still miss them all the time and I still need them ALL THE TIME! I am supposed to make an appointment with my nephrologist to be put on some new drugs, drugs that may prolong my "quality of life" hopefully push back the possibility that I may be on dialysis in the future. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. Because going there means that its real that I cannot have a baby, I cannot be a mom and frankly I would rather die than ever accept that possibility. AF has been MIA for over 5 months now so its not like we can even accidentally get pregnant (no af no egg = no baby)
The life I now live is a life filled with my desperate attempts to be happy. I took on more work at the office to keep myself busy (you know idle hands....) It doesn't work... FYI.
I have a cat, he is about 14 years old and he is my little sweetheart. He is big, black and white fluffy and biggest suck you ever met.... Last night I came home to a very sick puddy tat... it scared me... he is very sick liquid poo fur missing.. I didn't want to think about losing him because he is my tether... he keeps me in mommy mode... he loves to be held and rocked and cuddled and caressed. He loves when I scoop him up in my arms and hold him like that baby I cannot have. If I lose him thats it. I promised my husband the next time he got sick that I would just let him die at home... and not take him to the vet. I do not want him to suffer but it is just soo expensive for tests and procedures. He is 14 he has lead a great life and he is very loved..... Today I sat there and I watched him today go from bad to worse... and then I decided to give him a great meal. He is on a special diet but I figured if its his last day on earth I would make it special.... the way I would have for my girls if I knew their time was going to be up. I opened an actual tin of Tuna and gave it to him. He was so happy to have real food. THen he just sat in my arms all day and cuddled with me. I cannot believe it but he is better.... at least he seems better. He is purring and cuddles into my arms happily all snug as a bug in a rug. Thank goodness today didn't end the way I thought it would. Thank God I know that when its his time I will have the strength to care for him the way he needs me to. Thank God he is OK... if only just for another day.

I found this story on another blog and I just loved it so much I had to post it and share. What a wonderful thought.

The Story of the Dragonfly

Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions.Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was dead, gone forever.Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top.When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed.Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life!

Author - Unknown

I stayed silent......................

I stayed silent as long as I could most of my friends won't even broach the subject with me... probably best considering that I have been through fertility treatments and IVF. This nonsense with this woman who had the EIGHT babies at one time... apparently through IVF... although I have no idea what Dr in his right mind would do that transfer EIGHT at once is beyond me. I will preface this with IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF she really doesn't have a husband/job/house or money and with SIX kids previously from IVF... there is no way that this was the right way to handle things. Any woman who has been through fertility treatments knows they debate putting back 2 or 3 certainly not EIGHT! That is IF you are lucky enough to make that many embryos or they are lucky enough to survive the thaw. Personally something is missing in this equation... How can she afford to pay for the treatments? Where did the sperm come from? Where is this I will put back 8 embryos inside you (expecially when you already have 6 form IVF--therefore proving it works for you) Why would you subject yourself to that knowing that there is a possibility of eight? You put back 2 you aways realize that there is a possibility of 2! Lets put aside the mother lets focus on the kids instead..... She has 6 kids under the age of 7. How do you care for these kids and go to school and pay for fertility treatments? Then on top of that you have 8 more kids to feed/clothe/school? These kids are not at fault. They are just babies that were brought into the world by selfishness... be it a doctor or the mother... Noone understands the internal want and need for children. YOU HAVE SIX! SIX! IVF already worked for you. Why spend money on treatments and or fertility drugs when you have SIX already. Hey if you want to have kids I get that. I really do.. I am in the category of people who want kids so badly but can't have any. So I hate hearing that people cannot have children and I don't begrudge people from having children but be responsible. Think of the children! People need to cool it and relax with the hatred. I think more investigation needs to be done before we go into the blame game. For now we get to be greatful and thankful 8 more healthy children were born... and pray they stay that way. Noone should have to suffer through the loss of a child.

Second Last Day of Vacation

Tomorrow is my last day of vacation.... I am sad to see it end but I sadly miss my friends at work. Isn't that pathetic? I have loved my time off with my husband... we have had alot fun and smiled and laughed more than usual.. It's been great. It sucks we go back to work and the daily grind comes back and so does the misery. I do not want this year to be the same old same old. I want to have more fun and smile and laugh and just do things I haven't done or we haven't done before. We made a snowman together that was so much fun and we come home tonight after a day of fun to discover someone has punched the face off it. I know its made of snow and its stupid but I was really upset... who does that!? Someone takes the time to create something on their property and people think its ok to go up and destroy it? I am sure I know which of the kids on the street did it and they better not let me catch them doing it again. GROW UP YOU PATHETIC LITTLE BRATS! OK so I am still a little perturbed about it. Whatever! I won't let that ruin my day. We went shopping together.. his parents bought us some clothes that didn't fit so we went to exchange it and it turned into me finding lots of really nice clothes for him. It was kinda fun finding all these shirts and pants that were really nice and also on sale. I LOVE SALES! So the secret is that I hate shopping!! I HATE IT! But today was so much fun I even tried on jeans that made me look dare I say it... hot... ! YES I bought them and the same pair in black as well as blue! Hee hee... Now I need to work on losing my bloated belly..... Then I won't be ashamed to wear sexy tops again! For now I just feel fat! I never thought I would see the day I would feel fat but I am and I do.

OK I had to edit the post to include this really cool little thing... My husband is petrified of spiders.... I apologize ahead of time for the photo below if you are afraid of them too... My mother laughs that he vaccuums them up because he is so scared of them or he calls me down to kill them. For Christmas he got a critter catcher. (see photo below) I had to use it tonight because he saw a little spider and I have to share with you that yes... it works!! Here are 2 pics of the catcher... and the last one shows the little guy I caught.. and yes after his photo session I did release him outside. Ironically probably froze to death cause its -10 outside currently... and there is lots of snow. O well I had to share. Again I am sorry if the pic of spidey bothers you. ( I made that particular pic smaller so it won't stick out) As a child I loved catching critters and playing with them so I am not bothered by any of the creepy crawlies. LOL!

You know you are out of shape when making a snowman causes you to be out of breath!

Like millions of people tonight I watched Patrick Swayze talk about his cancer. I am left with so many questions... How can you go through such intense chemotherapy and not lose your hair? Where does he get all that energy from? I wonder if there is more to this story than what is being told... something just seems off to me... and I am not just referring to his voice. I wonder what other things he is having done to survive for so long and still look so good. Please Patrick share your magic with the rest of the world. My heart just breaks for you and Lisa and your family.. I hope they find a cure for cancer and everyone lives long and happy cancer free lives!! When she asked if she had thought about life when without Patrick I couldn't help but think about what life would be like without my husband. How empty and alone it would be.... he really is my world and without him I cannot imagine a worse kind of hell. After we lost our girls I realized how important he was to me and how important I was to him. The things we have gon through together makes me realize how important it is that we are together and although we have our moments... and really who doesn't? Isn't that part of being passionate? We are soul mates.I cannot imagine life without him. We are still on vacation this week and woke up this morning to snow.. lots and lots of snow... so laugh if you must..... but he is outside shovelling and comes running in and says Shellie come outside and help me make a snowman its packing snow... I was like a stupid little kid.... OK comin... so we made a snowman. A BIG ONE! You know you are out of shape when building a snowman makes you out of breath. Too funny! Anyways here are some pictures.. Try not to laugh too hard!! ;)

Hot Dogs With Ketchup & Sprinkles

I have the most amazing niece... She will be 4 next month and she is honest and truely the light of my life and reason for living. She makes me laugh in ways I never thought I would, she makes my heart ache and yet with just a little hug makes all my bad days bright again. She has a personality like no other. She is my little ham. I am so lucky that I have such a strong bond and relationship with her, we see her often and I am much closer to her than most aunts... Some times when I am with her I almost forget she isn't mine because she just has my heart. I would die for this little 3o pound princess. She discovered hot dogs recently and enjoys having sprinkles on it! I laugh when I heard that.. sprinkles on hot dogs? How original! Some days I gush about her so much at work people laugh at me... I have become that new mom who comes in with her brag book in hand spouting on and on about what their cute little bundle did... fart or smile or maybe a first word. Four years of gushin noone has ever told me to shut up, maybe its because people know how broken I am and this is one thing that makes me smile and laugh or maybe they just think I am crazy. Whatever it is I enjoy it. If only every person had a kid in their life like her... life would be a better place, people wouldn't be so miserable. All I wanted is one just one just like her. Not in the cards so she is all I get... I will take it!!

Odd day - Odd life!

What a totally odd day... I am supposed to be on vacation but I had to work today.... I guess I was a little anxious about workign today (even just from home) cause I was up till after 3am las t night. It started with sex and the city.. I never really watched that show when it was on... but there is a new station on the tv called cosmo that plays it constantly and I have become totally obsessed with it. I love that friggin show! Ironically I don't watch it for Carrie.. personally I find her totally annoying and not that attractive. I watch it for the other girls... Charlotte is my favorite! Last night's episode made me laugh so hard... and then poor Miranda had Brady and he was totally screaming.... and I guess it woke me up moer cause when it was over I was still awake. I watched one of my favorite movies The Painted Veil... it's an odd movie but I love it. I actually watched the entire movie it ended at 3am!! Then I couldn't sleep afterwards and just started thinking... thinking about how sad I am that this will be a year without fertility treatments or poking and proddings or visits with Mr. Wand. I actually will miss them.. How screwed up am I? I haven't had a period in months... so long ago I have lost count when my last one was. It was my period after my IVF... thats all I remember.... so that means my body has settled in for its regualr irregular PCOS ravaged nap. Should I be concerned? Nah Dr says this is my norm..... My NORM! NO PERIOD FOR MONTHS AT A TIME! Lucky me!

Thanks for Nothing! A letter to Dr S

My letter to the old clinic. I wanted to start off the year right and let it go so I sent an email to the Clinic.

Dr S, I wanted to send you an email to explain to you things that you may not be aware of. First a little bit about myself. I was a patient at ISIS and at 5 months pregnant I lost my monoamniotic monochorionic twin girls. They were the best thing that has ever happened to me and I was truly devastated and it was too difficult to return to that clinic so my sister who was a patient at Nustar and was successful recommended I come to her clinic the name just changed.. NewLife.. I figured change would be good so I started coming. At first I loved it your team were amazing! The nurses were incredible and the ultrasound techs even remembered your name it didn't feel like coming there was a chore.. there wasn't a very long wait and I really enjoyed my time there. My sister and I would come to our appts together and we both loved it there. Then one day something changed... I still don't know what it was but your team changed. New faces and people that not only didn't know you but made you feel like you were bothering them. They were miserable to deal with and never knew what was going on, you could literally sit there and wait hours for an appt. My frustration grew and grew and I spoke to people in the waiting rooms and they were more frustrated than we were. Eventually I had enough of the waiting and the disapointments to me it was really obvious that whether you are aware of it or not your clinic just isn't the same. I came there in hopes of overcoming my infertilty challenges and finally have a baby but I don't want to go somewhere that makes me feel like I am not wanted. My health took a turn and my kidneys are causing some problems so my doctor told me I had one last chance to try IVF before I am put on medication which will not allow me to get pregnant. Since I was not only not successful at your clinic but felt that I wasn't a priority there I chose to leave and go back to the one place where I was successful. A place where the nurses remember to call you to give you your results, a place where they don't just expect you to know things instead they ask or tell you, a place where they don't make you feel like all they want is your money, a place where they make you feel like they care. Unfortunately my IVF there was unsuccessful but the embryologist asked me to meet with him to discuss what happened so I would know... yet another thing I wasn't offered at Newlife. When I told him that I had IVF done and Newlife he asked me to sign a form so that they could request my file so I could close this chapter of my life and compare the reports to see what was wrong... and more importantly so that I can know why after 10 years of trying to have a baby... MOST OF THOSE AT FERTILITY CLINICS... why I cannot have a baby. THat was several months ago... your office had the audacity to call me and demand money for them to send my doctor... not me but my doctor the file. I argued with them that I cannot understand why I should have to pay for a file and they never called me back. I am very dissapointed.... I have the right as a patient to have a second opinion... ironically you were mine. I cannot have children this is something that I have to accept but what I need to know is why. I need to close this chapter of my life so I can move on. I refuse to pay for a file that I don't even get to have access to, expecially when I feel that you have taken enough of my time and money. Both my sister and I have now left your clinic and I wanted to start this year out right by closing this chapter of my life and letting you know what is happening. Sometimes people don't know what is happening until someone tells them. I hope that sending this will enable you to see what is going on and allow your current and future patients a more enjoyable experience. Especially for the clinic that boasts "Here at NewLife, we are committed to innovation in reproductive care in a compassionate and friendly setting and most of all, we provide hope through individual care"

It is getting harder and harder to hate this man!!!!!! --HIS RESPONSE --

Hi Kelly,

Thanks for taking the time to write this email. I do appreciate feedback because it help us improve, something we strive to do all the time.

Your experience of things changing one day at NewLife is not a figment of your imagination. I looked at your chart. At the time this happened, we had 3 of our receptionists quit all at the same time for personal and family reasons at a time when the ultrasound service provider changed and our patient load also increased. We hired new people but the organization and timeliness were below standard to say the least. Unfortunately all the issues you experienced were as a direct result of these events in our office in Mississauga. Fortunately we have since, corrected all these and we now have a stable and more friendly staff and environment.

The fee of $35.00 my staff asked you to pay to send a copy of the embryology report to ISIS is a nominal fee to cover some of our costs that you probably do not know about. This includes the cost of storing your chart and searching for and retrieving it from storage. Going through the chart and extracting the information you need and faxing it to your Doctor. Usually I have to also look at the chart to give my staff the info you need. This service is not covered by OHIP. ISIS also has the same fee when one of their patients needs to send us chart information. All clinics including your family doctor has the same fee and some clinics charge a much higher fee. You can check these yourself on ISIS website under fees and also under McGill fertility centre under fees.

From the clinical point of view, I looked through your chart to try and help you understand why you have not been successful so far. You did 2 IUI cycles with us and on the third cycle you over stimulated and was given the option of IVF conversion, you had lots of eggs retrieved but the embryo development was not good. You had one embryo at 8 cells grade 2 transferred on day 4. You conceived but ended up with a miscarriage. After that you did not return because of your kidney problem. I am sorry to hear that you did an IVF cycle at ISIS but was not successful. Although I do not know the details of that cycle and whether there was an issue with embryo development also, I would still think that you can conceive with IVF. I do not think you have exhausted all your options as you have mentioned in your email. Even if it turns out to be that you have an oocyte problem, you can conceive with donor eggs which is highly successful. I am not certain however, that this is the case. Based on the info I have in your old chart, I would still be optimistic that you can have a child with your own eggs if we can get better embryos.

I am not up to date on the kidney problem which is important and it may be affected by pregnancy but usually does not have an impact on your ability to get pregnant. Even women with kidney transplants are able to conceive.

Our IVF pregnancy rate has improved drastically since you did your cycle with us, mainly because of new and improved technology in the lab. Also do not forget that this was a conversion and not a standard IVF protocol, where we have much better control on the stimulation. Usually you meet with the embryologist in a normal IVF cycle, in a conversion cycle everything is rushed and you do not get enough information.

I have asked my staff to fax the embryology info to ISIS without charge, but if you wish I can also review the IVF cycle you did at ISIS and tell you my opinion so that you can conceive not "to close the chapter".

All the best for the new year,

Dr S

Christmas

I know its been awhile.. a long while.. I really needed to take some time to deal with all that was going on and try to accept... key word TRY... that I cannot have any babies. The thought that I have to live this life childless takes my breath away since it is the only thing I ever wanted or needed out of this life. In the midst of all this personal drama we learned that my mother in law has breast cancer. This really shook both of us to the very core... we just didn't ever think we would have to deal with anything like this in our family. I have really done my best to be there for her every step of the way. She needed one person who wouldn't cry or look at her with that aww poor you face... (those of us who have lost babies know that face all to well!) So instead I just call her almost every day just to see how she is and see how things are, is there anything I can do to help you? She is a brave lady and I really have never seen her break down or have a why me moment... not that she hasn't in private but she is a trooper. Once she started the chemo her hair fell out so fast.. so we bought her a wig. Anything she needs or wants we will make sure we can provide. What I decided was that this year I would host Christmas have them over sleep over on Christmas eve and spend Christmas day with us... I would cook... yes me cook funny I realize... and she could just sit back and relax. Noone knew how she would be feeling at that point but I will tell you that it was a very exciting and fun filled Christmas. The dinner was fabulous and we all stayed in our PJs all day long and had a great family Christmas. I didn't get to see my own family on Christmas day but it was ok... this year was about his family. It was a great Christmas. I wish each and every one of you a Happy New Year and I hope you had a Merry Christmas.