Monday, April 06, 2009

At the end of the tunnel is there a light or is it just dimming slowly?

Have you ever wondered what life would be like 10 years into your marriage? Well I always thought that we would be happily married with 2 kids and a house. Reality is a cruel bitch! 10 years married and we have spent the better part of our 10 year marriage trying to have a baby and going through infertility treatments. I fear that now we have to accept the truth... we cannot have children and must scrap the plans we had but the question remains can we survive just the two of us? Is there really life after unsuccessful TTC? I want to say that we can and there is but I am starting to fear that is no thte case. I have lost all interest in BD or any kind of D!! He is miserable and therefore I am miserable... I am scared that without children we will soon realize that we have nothing in common anymore and will grow apart. After everything we have been through I have always thought and believed we could overcome anything and jump any obstacle but I am just not that sure anymore. I think about our future and I am not seeing that happy future I always had seen before, I am scared to even think about how lonely our future is going to be. I have always had hope.. I believe there is still hope but what is really scary is that lately I have been having some very odd things going on with my body. I am having hot flashes and moodiness and NO and I mean TMI HERE LADIES ...... NO LIBIDO! Get away from me isn't even close to what I feel... I hate my life... it is total crap.. i have crappy feelings and feeling of dread and sadness constantly! I do have a dr appt this week because I have had an MIA AF for the past 7 or 8 months... so I am thinking that has something to do with it (lack of AF), maybe its a hormone thing . BUT I am worried that I am going through perimenopause. IF I go through menopause I have nothing left... no hope.. no faith nothing. There is nothing in this world more scary to me than that...


Michele said...

Have you considered adopting? I'm an adopted child and it is something we plan on doing when we can afford it (too bad insurance doesnt cover it the same way it does IF treatments!).

Peter and I have been married 11 years in June and, like you, I never dreamed we'd be here... Who thinks they'd be orphaned parents? And three times? Not me... I thought life would be perfect. And, I'm sure on some plane, it is. Just not in my broken heart.

Happy 10 years. It's a good place to be. Love can fill in the wholes left by the things you dont have in common. :)

Kat said...

Oh hon I'm so sorry you are feeling this way ((hugs))...Please rememeber, even though it is very hard to, that there is always some hope left...your life may not be the way you dreamed it would, but it's still there and all you have to do is look at it from a different perspective. I hope you can work things out. Sending you lots of hugs ((hugs))

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie
Always on our minds, Forever in our hearts (June 28, 2006)