Thursday, February 05, 2009


I have a confession to make. I am a fake. Almost 3 years ago I died and the person you now see before you emerged. She spends all day pretending things are fine and her life is perfect and she is happy. In actual reality I am faking it. I want a baby that didn't change when I lost my girls. That doesn't change because my last ditch effort failed and I cannot have children. These wants and needs and desires and pain just don't dissapear. I moved forward with my life, left my past in the past and I tried I mean really tried to move on. I don't want to forget what happened it is a part of me... some days I think its all of me. I still think of them all the time, I still miss them all the time and I still need them ALL THE TIME! I am supposed to make an appointment with my nephrologist to be put on some new drugs, drugs that may prolong my "quality of life" hopefully push back the possibility that I may be on dialysis in the future. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. Because going there means that its real that I cannot have a baby, I cannot be a mom and frankly I would rather die than ever accept that possibility. AF has been MIA for over 5 months now so its not like we can even accidentally get pregnant (no af no egg = no baby)
The life I now live is a life filled with my desperate attempts to be happy. I took on more work at the office to keep myself busy (you know idle hands....) It doesn't work... FYI.
I have a cat, he is about 14 years old and he is my little sweetheart. He is big, black and white fluffy and biggest suck you ever met.... Last night I came home to a very sick puddy tat... it scared me... he is very sick liquid poo fur missing.. I didn't want to think about losing him because he is my tether... he keeps me in mommy mode... he loves to be held and rocked and cuddled and caressed. He loves when I scoop him up in my arms and hold him like that baby I cannot have. If I lose him thats it. I promised my husband the next time he got sick that I would just let him die at home... and not take him to the vet. I do not want him to suffer but it is just soo expensive for tests and procedures. He is 14 he has lead a great life and he is very loved..... Today I sat there and I watched him today go from bad to worse... and then I decided to give him a great meal. He is on a special diet but I figured if its his last day on earth I would make it special.... the way I would have for my girls if I knew their time was going to be up. I opened an actual tin of Tuna and gave it to him. He was so happy to have real food. THen he just sat in my arms all day and cuddled with me. I cannot believe it but he is better.... at least he seems better. He is purring and cuddles into my arms happily all snug as a bug in a rug. Thank goodness today didn't end the way I thought it would. Thank God I know that when its his time I will have the strength to care for him the way he needs me to. Thank God he is OK... if only just for another day.

I found this story on another blog and I just loved it so much I had to post it and share. What a wonderful thought.

The Story of the Dragonfly

Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions.Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was dead, gone forever.Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top.When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed.Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life!

Author - Unknown


Kat said...

I'm so glad your kitty is better ((hugs))...your words really made me feel like I was sitting next to you, I wish I was, so I could comfort you someway. You have been through so much, more than anyone should, and I admire you for your strength and courage. I know one day your dreams will come true, one way or another, I pray that they do every day ((HUGS))

Michele said...

Oh honey... You are a mom.... It's not the type of mom any of us want to be- we want our babies HERE- but you are Anna and Grace's mommy. You always will be.

Anonymous said...

What words... super, a brilliant phrase

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie
Always on our minds, Forever in our hearts (June 28, 2006)