The day I had dreaded for the past 10 months came on Monday... an almost 10lb baby boy!
My sister who has also had to deal with infertility and miscarriages gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever had the privlige of seeing... I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle seeing a baby, holding a baby, being around a baby. I thought my entire world would crash and I would never recover. This is the first baby I have held since my girls... and even though it's been over 3 years it is still something that hurts and something that sticks with you. I walked into the hospital with my niece and all I could think about was don't fall apart in front of your sister. She just went through a hellish labour... The moment I saw him and held him in my arms I melted like a chocolate bar in the microwave.... My heart literally stopped he is just so perfect and so beautiful and those feelings and sadness dissapeared. This little boy has stolen my heart. I have a nephew... someone new I can spoil and play with. My sister who is my new hero. I cannot tell you how terrible her labour was lets just leave at my hero... Like singing "have I ever told you your my hero? You're everything I would like to be!! LOL Think Bette, red hair and beaches ;) I was lucky enough to see this little boy twice in one day... perfect and innocent and BIG did I mention he was almost 10lbs!?? Queue that hero song again... LOL! I am working through my issues but now I have something great something wonderful in my life and I am thankful for that.
On another note I am on a 40 day journey. This is an amazing journey, a spiritual journey through a book which helping me try to figure out my purpose here on earth. I highly reccommend it.... It is a different kind of book and it is extremely religious but it gives me alot to think about. Sometimes you sit and wonder why am I here? What is my purpose.... this book is helping me realize that there may be more to my life than the fact that I am barren. Every night you read a chapter... Each chapter you learn a new lesson and each chapter I realize I have so much I need to think about. There is a life outside of being a mommy... if you talk to MOST mommys they want something outside of being a mommy and I am looking to just be a mommy. Funny how life is. I am trying to focus on being a better person.. and not focus on what I don't have and can't have but instead on what I do have... like my beautiful niece and my brand new perfect little nephew. Both are blessings not just to their parents but also to me. I hope that they will grow up knowing that I will always be there for them for whatever they need.
Please join me in congratulations to my sister and her family on their perfect new addition to their family!