4 Months

3 Months after I lost my girls my period finally came. I was sad but excited as well because we had made the decision to begin TTC again. I went the clinic with my head down scared and nervous and anxious all at once. In a way I had missed the people and I had missed the nurses, not the anxiety that came along with it. I purchased the gonal-f pen all excited to start trying again and I actaully looked forward to the daily pokes because they would be a step in the right direction.... But of course I got home that night and just as I was getting ready for the injection BOOM there was a voicemail cancelling my cycle. My estrogen level was 407 and it should be 50-80 pgl. I cried I threw things I knew it this is going to be the way its going to be..... its going to be all this shit all over again. O well due to the high estrogen my CM was EW and I spotted during what I thought to be ovulation so we TTC anyways (drug free) I got very nervous when my period was late and took a test but of course it was negative! Finally my period came on Saturday and along with it horrible cramps and pains in my back. I sucked it up but it didn't matter because it meant that on cd 3 we could come back to the clinic and start all over again. So off I went to the clinic this morning they took my blood I spoke with my favorite nurse and the Dr said good luck and off we we go. I check my messages at 3pm and OF course what happened? They cancelled my cycle because my estrogen is too high again... in fact its just as high as it was before...... There are no cysts and no symptoms to explain what could possibnly be wrong... so they want me to come back on Wedndesday morning to have them recheck my estrogen levels and then the DR will make a decision then. IF the estorgen is below 200 then I may be able to start the gonal-f then. (triple the dosage but maybe) or else I have to go on BIRTH CONTROL pills to try to level off my estrogen levels because you cannot conceive with them that high! I cannot believe this friggin useless body is doing this to me again. What the hell?? Have I not suffered enough? Apparently not! :(

The Ache

I refuse to post the actual pictures of my daughters however this is a fairly accurate portrayal of their size and beauty. I am considering purchasing 2 of these beautiful dolls from this place just so I have something to hold. I have reached the point in my grieving process where my arms actually ache to hold my daughters.

The Black Cloud & OTher Poems

The Black Cloud
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

It's raining again but only in my heart,
As I think about my girls lives not ever going to start
the black cloud sits on top of me more days than I can bare
As I think of what could have been & how you are over there
The raindrops shaped like teardrops keep falling on my head
How I wonder pray and wish that he had taken me instead
I want to scream out questions like why? how can this be
That you chose to take them away to be with you instead of stay with me
This should be by long awaited moment of happiness that I have finally found
Instead all I have is sadness, no babies crying, not a sound
So I walk around eyes open, broken hearted empty womb
With this black cloud above me thinking of my girls taken all too soon!


Gracie & Anna playing in the sun
O how I wish I was with you that be so much fun
How I long to hear your laughter and your cries
My arms O how they ache to hold you and sing a lullabye
These dreams I had for you left after you were gone
But my memories linger, they still carry on
I want to talk about you I want to tell the world
That I too am a mommy of 2 beautiful little girls
But when I think about you my eyes are filled with tears
for I remember how I lost you it already seems like years
Your daddy doesn't say much he says its time to move on
Cause that is what you would want not to cry from dusk to dawn
O how I want you with me rocking you side by side
I know you can't be with me but this I must confide
Some times I still feel you with me deep inside my womb
and though I know that cannot be I am comforted not doom & gloom
So if you hear me calling just smile even from afar
That's our mom she loves us still how very lucky we are
O how we love you mommy one day soon you will see
That we are up here safe in heaven part of God's big family
by: Shellie-Marie Kelly

We are still mommy & daddy just a different kind you see
for our babies aren't here with us in stead in heaven sleeping peacefully
playing in the clouds with all the other angels there
Sadly heaven is filled with angel babies it just doesn't seem to be fair
He chooses them to be with him for they are the chosen ones
We will again one day meet them as they are being warmed by the sun
They will run to us and with open arms will greet
Their mommy's and their daddy's we will all finally meet
They will tell us all the stories of how they watched from up above
And how they know though they were gone they were always truly loved
I look up to the blue sky, hoping they are watching me
As I smile and think about all the things that simply cannot be
All of us angel mommies and of course the daddy's too
Share a common bond of sadness knowing there is nothing we can do
Although we all walk around eyes wide open the pain will always be there
Thinking of our babies feeling a grief too hard to bear
We wonder what will happen what will the next day bring
For we will always love all of you special our little babies with wings!
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

The first day that we saw you, you were just a tiny yolk sac
I smiled and looked at your daddy couldn't wait till we came back
The next time that we saw you I lay there excited on the bed
As the nurse told your daddy & mommy there's not one but two instead
I admit I was scared at first but ddady said that we would be fine
For how many people are so lucky to blessed with two children and one time?
The next few months we saw you growing and squirming all around
Everyone was so excited to meet you, your tiny heartbeats the best sound
Then the doctors told us you were special sharing your tiny room
And we needed to be prepared for you we would meet you way too soon
Each day I sat and listened could you sense your mommy's dispair?
I never stopped loving you even when the pain became too much to bear
Then the day came upon us we went to see you one last time
That day we learned Grace had left us and there was not even a sign
But still we kept on hoping that Anna would make it through
And mome & dad left helpless for there was nothing we could do
Then one morning I woke up empty knowing she too was gone
And I wondered how I would get through it how was I to carry on?
The labour was horrendous the grief numbed by my pain
Those moments gone forever, now washed out by the rain
I really felt you coming even thought so silent and still
and people just kept saying not meant to be for it was God's will
I told the nurse you were here what an eerie feeling for me
For there lay a sac with two babies inside laying there silently
The nurse took you away at first then brought you to my arms
Even thought you were tiny you were both perfect you were safe from harm
Your dad and I we held you, the first moments of knowing true love
We had to let you go so you could rest for you belonged with God above
You will always be on our minds and will be forever in our heart
My sweet little angel babies we will never be apart
Although consumed with sadness I am still lucky you see
For not all moms see their angels so for that well lucky me
I will carry you forever in my empty broken womb
For one day we will meet again my angels gone too soon!

Love Mommy (Shellie-Marie Kelly)

My thoughts they all start drifting, till I am further and further away
Knwoing that if things had been different you would be here with me today
And as I sit and ponder and think of what could have been
I think if how my life is so different O the horrible things I have seen
Too many broken hearts and way too many tears
How we will never forget you but the grief will lessen through the years
I want to remember your face tiny fingers tiny toesd
But when I think about how I lost you I feel an emptiness only an angel mother knows
Each moment you are not with me I die a little deep inside
My sadness fileed with tears a grief I just cannot hide
Why has this happened to me? Am I not destined to be a mom
Please my daughters hlep me through this until your baby sibling comes
And when that day is upon us and true happiness it brings
I still will always have you in my heart my little girls with wings!

By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

How can you heal a broken heart that broke 4 months ago
How can you make a smiling face I'm not afraid to show
How can you fill and empty womb when noone can replace
How can I move on with my life without Anna and Grace?
Where have all the good times gone and when will they return
Where have all the moments gone whenever will we learn?

How can you heal a broken heart that will never mend
When will the joy & happiness return and all my sadness end?
Will there be a day in my life when I won't share a tear
Wihsing things that cannot be like you are with me here?
That day in June my dreams collapsed I'll never be the same
Cause on the day you were gone I learned the true meaning of pain
Every day since has been blackI wonder around in the dark
Knowing the scars although internal have left an indellible mark
The tears shed like falling rain more frequent than before
Please know although I carry on you are both in my heart forever more!

By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

The day I learned you were gone my world came to an end
For I begain to realize that this broken heart will never mend
I begged God up above to tell me it was only a dream
Indtead I got no answer, instead total silence causing me to scream
You have taken so much from me already please don't take this too
But my begs and pleas were futile there was nothing I could do
Don't tell me it wasn't meant to be that they are better gone
Cause it hurts me that much more and its harder for me to move on
Each day I wake up thinking it was dream only to see what's real
That I am now all alone with no babies and I have to try to deal
With unending sadness & sorrow that seem to envelop my every day
Taking all my strength to get our of bed but somehow still find a way
I still cry tears of sadness as my due date draws ever near
Wating my girls with me not in heaven but instead right here
I knew this pregnancy would be difficult but I could never know
What was about to happen to me, I would have to let you go
The last time that we saw you, you made your daddy and I cry
As one lay there so silently while the other waved goodbye
Now all I have is memories of the short time you spent in me
I'll treasure them forever you'll always be part of our family
Although you sprouted tiny wings and flew to heaven up above
You'll always be our daughters the angels that we love
So while you look down on us remember we loved you from the start
And although you're there up in heaven we will never be apart!

By:Shellie-Marie Kelly

Our babies in heaven playing in the sky
while was are down here on earth wondering why
Why did he take you away from us then
The moments running through my head over and over again
I learned about angels so long ago
I fell like a fool how could I not know
Nothing goes right this too will be taken away
When I least expect it I won't even know the day
How foolish I was to think you would be there
You never listen to me do you even care?
How can you do this to my broken soul
So many things have happened they will surely take their toll
If a baby is a blessing form a God of love
What shoould I think when he calls them to be with him up above
Am I not worthy tell me what have I done
To anger a God who is as bright as the sun
I promis I will be better I will do waht I deserve
Please give me a blessing and to him I will finally serve
By:Shellie-Marie Kelly


I have a small room where nobody goes
Behind the closed door nobody knows
Heartbreak and heartache are hiding in there
Noone will enter nobody would dare
The room sits slent where 2 angels rest
On top of the bookshelf... he only takes the best
To open the the door you feel the air is cold
Their sprits are there they will never get old
A constant reminder of that sad June day
When we met them then they were taken away
Only I can go in there and all the stories tell
Of my life since they left us how its been my idea of hell
Though Daddy he loves you he can't bear to speak
Of how much he misses you he thinks he is too weak
They are resting at home back where they belong
We can't wait till we see you we know it is wrong
So the room will stay silent cold and bare
Till we fill it with laughter and you too will share
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

Mommy' arms are empty with no babies to hold
Winter is now coming its starting to get cold
Daddy's heart is broken his shattered dreams on the floor
As he thinks of his daughters and no more family of four
Mommy's womb is empty she walks around all alone
No more kicking or movements no more belly grown
Daddy may not show it but he'll never be the same
His loss is hidden deep in his heart tille he sees his girls again
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

Christmas is coming but I really don't care
For you are not with me it just isn't fair
This year would be different I remember I said
O the fun we will have now all my hopes are dead
My dreams area ll shattered locked in a room
For my girls are not with me just an empty womb
I want to run away and never look back
Forget about the day it all turned to black
I want to sit in the chair ricking our babies to sleep
I never knew pain could cut through so deep
I don't want giftts I want what I cannot get
My baby girls ere I would be forever in your debt
Why bother wishing for things that cannot be
Well its all that I want my girls home here with me
So the snow can keep falling I'll still fall apart
Then everyone can feel the coldness in my heart.
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

Since I Lost My Girls

Since I lost my girls my days have been filled with sadness and emptiness. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I have these moments during that day that I have a sensation... almost like a pee sensation... Gotta go gotta go right now.... you know what I mean? Instead of pee what flows out of me is poetry... poems about my feelings and my thoughts about my life now without my girls. I have pages of poems and I have decided to post them on here. There may be some people who understand what losing a child is like and I hope they see poetry is a useful outlet for your pain. I will post them as often as I can.

Precious Little Ones

Precious Little Ones

Precious, tiny little ones
You'll always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent
Part of heaven's family.

We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother, He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our children,
The children that we had.

But now your gone.... but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong,
We'll forget you never.
The children we had but never had,
And yet will have forever.

Unkown Author

Sad Days Ahead For Us

Anna Waving goodbye to us after we found out Grace was gone... that is Grace's leg in the picture..... Anna died 2 days later.

So much has happened since my last post. We were all excited to go to the hospital for our big ultrasound but when we got there our lives changed forever. They came and got me and began the ultrasound and she said the babies are measuring small....so it won't be the big ultrasound with the video this time around. I said that's ok as long as my babies are ok...... and she responded well I cannot tell you that the dr will have to discuss that with you. What an odd response I thought... but I let it go and chocked it up to being a long day for her. Eventually she went and got "Daddy" and brought him back in to the room with me. We sat and waited and waited and waited...... reminded us of Mt Sinai all over again. I started to worry... something must be wrong if its taking this long for the radiologist to discuss the pictures with her. Then eventually she came back with the radiologist who had this terrible look on his face. He turned to us and said I am very sorry to tell you one of your twins has died. Well I just wanted to scream... but instead I decided to be strong. So I said OK well we knew that was a possibility so what does this mean to the survivor? How did it die? When did it die? I just started to ramble off questions at this poor man. He couldn't answer any. He gave us options of going to talk to an OB in the hospital which we declined and I said I would prefer to talk to Dr Smith since he understands our situation... He kept apologizing then left. He was shaky and sad and we appreciated that e was human. The girl came back in and said I am so sorry for your loss would you still like to see the survivor? I looked at Roy and said O yes please. So she began the ultrasound. Instan tly we could see the other one swimming and waving at us... it was incredible. She asked us if we wanted to know what they were and we both said yes. They are GIRLS! Well you could have just knocked me over with a feather! GIRLS! My dream come true. We saw the survivor flourishing and she looked really good... her heart was beating and she was waving at us! We even counted her fingers it was so clear! The lady asked us if we wanted to see the other one and I said yes I wanted to. There she lay motionless, no heartbeat, her sister swimming by her probably wondering why she wasn't playing anymore.... It was a really sad moment and thats when I think it began to really hit us. There was no beautiful heartbeat anymore, she wasn't swimming about frolicking around with her sister like we saw at the last ultrasound. This was my nightmare come true! :( Roy and I couldn't get out of that hospital fast enough... we practically ran out with our picture of the survivor in one hand and our hands clasped so tightly in the other... I put on my sunglasses as soon as we existed the ultrasound room because I could feel the tears stinging my eyes already. We got to the car and Roy just turned and grabbed me and we had a good cry together. It was so unfair. Now I had to walk around with a deceased babby inside me. IT was horrible. I felt her shift everytime I moved...It was the worst feeling.... or so I thought. We came home and cried and tried to accept that this had happened but realize we still had one in there and we just needed to focus on her. We got out the baby name book and we looked online for a name for our little angel. It took almost 24 hours but we came up with Grace Elizabeth. It was so perfect for her. My mother came over to try to make me feel better on Friday and we relaxed and things almost felt normal. She broke down telling me that I need to focus on our surviving little girl and just keep my strength up for her. I tried to explain that I felt that she too would pass soon but everyone just chocked it up to me being negative. I woke up on Saturday morning and I felt odd. I didn't feel that I was pregnant anymore. I knew that the other one had passed too. I tried to explain it but noone would listen to me. A mother knows.... We kept to ourselves pretty much over the weekend just trying to gather our strength and to focus on our little survivor...We had an appt with Dr Smith on Monday and then we would know better what is what and where we stood. We went to his office on Monday and we discussed our options and how unfortunately this is such a rare case that they cannot even give you percentages of whether she would survive. He said well would you like to hear her heartbeat? I said sure if there is one there. As soon as he puut the doppler on my belly I knew. There was nothing. Alot of noise from the placenta but that was it. He rushed us into the ultrasound room saying she could just be hiding.... but once the screen popped up I knew. She too was gone. They were both motionless, no heartbeat no movement at all. He looked at me and said do you know which one had passed last Thursday? Yes I said this one but it looks like both are gone now. He shook the belly hoping she was just sleeping but he knew. The ultrasound tech looked at him with a sad face and shook her head and then he teared up and said well... we won't be sending you to Mt Sinai afterall excuse me. He left and came back shortly afterwards. He looked so sad. He kept apologizing to us and then Roy came over and just gave me a great big hug. We both cried it was so sad. I apologized to him and siad I didn't want to be right I am so sorry. The lady said I need to talk some measurements of them do you mind? I said it was no problem that they could do whatever they needed to do. The Dr then discussed with me that they would try to get me into the hospital as soon as possible so we could induce the labour. LABOUR?? WHAT? Its not enough that I have lost my precious girls but now I have to go throught LABOUR PAIN?? I couldn't believe it and I asked them to get me in as soon as possible. I didn't like the thought that I was a walking tomb for my girls. They then put us in this little consultation room so we could be alone and deal with what had just happened. Roy looked over and saw a book and on the pages was written ANNA. He looked over at me and said thats it. Thats her name! I was getting frustrated with him because I couldn't see it. WHAT NAME?? WHERE? FINALLY I saw it. You want to name her Anna? That's a beautiful name. We left the hospital and were so sad. We discussed what we were going to do. Roy decided to go back to work the next day until they could get me into the hospital and I agreed. Tuesday I was sitting on the couch and started to have cramps and back pain. I had no idea what the heck it was. I just put the heating pad on it and hoped it would go away. They called and said the hospital wasn't available yet so maybe Wednesday. The pain got worse throughout the day and I got more and more concerned. When Roy came home I couldn't walk. I was doubled over in pain and begged him to help me to the hot bath maybe that would help. Finally after the bath I realized that my stomach had dropped... OMG I am labour! I called Tiffany to confirm and she said she suspected that was what it was too. I came down with my bag packed and asked Roy to take me to the hospital. They never told us it could start on our own so he wasn't sure it was real. I paged Dr Smith and he confirmed that was what it was and to head to Emergency right away. Dr Gysler was on duty and he would call him and make him aware of the sitauation and they would meet me in Emergency. We drove to the hospital and when we arrived the place was packed! OMG I was in panic mode and I was scared. While we were waiting I overheard a nurse say if Shellie xxxx comes to register her right away as they are waiting for her. So Roy said did you say Shellie xxxxx? She said yes.. thats us. They resgistered us right away and we were sent downstairs to the basement. They had a room waiting for us. We got there and waited for a short while before Dr G came in. Well I had the shock of my life today he said. I am so sorry. I was just so relieved that it was a Dr who knew us so I felt better. OK he said get changed into the gown go pee and then I will give you the pills. OK I am ready I thought. He has been up there countless times before so it won't hurt. He shoved teh pills up and said goodbye he would be back at 2am for the next dose. Instantly I started shaking and feeling sick. Great. Its going to be one of those hospital moments. I couldn't stop shaking no matter how many blankets they gave me and then I finally started to calm down and was able to just lay there and watch as my tummy dropped. Roy finally opened the cot and fell asleep pretty fast. We didn't know how long it would be so I figured we both should get some sleep. HA! I didn't sleep for 5 minutes the entire night. I was scared and sad. The nurse came in at 2:30am and said Dr G wants you to take 2 pills orally instead this time. OK. I can do that. I took them and she left. Immediately the shakes began but this time I also started to throw up. GREAT! The nurse came in and said O dear are you ok. I was so sick I couldn't stop shaking or puking. HMM maybe its the pills??? Well they left me alone for hours and hours. Noone checked on me. I went to bathroom and I tried to push them out on my own since the nurse had left me with the impression that was what I was to do. I was simply asked to use the containers not let them drop in the toilet. Nothing worked I would push and nothing would come..... except diarrhea. LOTS OF IT! At one point I was laying in bed and said to Roy OMG I think I just crapped the bed. He lifted the sheets and said O sweetie you did. I was covered. He helped me up and changed me and got a new gown and started to change the sheets and blankets for me then went out to get the nurse.... she came in and said ave you eaten? NO they said I couldn't eat when I was admitted at 9pm that night so I haven't. Instantly she gave me an IV. This isn't good.... you need nutrients in your body she said. She was a wonderful nurse. Her name was Chantal. She checked on me several times an hour and when she gave me the second dose of the pills orally she witnessed first hand how sick I got. OK we cannot give them to you orally anymore she said. I agreed. THANK YOU! We will have Dr Jong come down and give you the next dose teh proper way. OK. Dr Jong was another Dr from ISIS. I thought that was funny. She was very sweet. She asked us if these were babies or fetus to us and we instantly responded babies. These are our beautiful girls. We want to see them after as well. That told her where our heads were at too. She would come in and help me with anything I needed. When Dr Jong eventually came in to insert the pills he alsoo decided to stretch my cervix with his hand...(Although I feel it was his fist) It hurt like nothing before. I was lifting off the bed and he was getting frustrated with me. Chantal came over and held my hand and rubbed my back and said its ok relax. Its almost done. She gave me shots of demarol with Gravol mixed in to help with the pain and throwing up and she was wondefully attentive to me. Shortly after Dr Jong left teh contractions kicked into high gear. WOW I never knew pain like that existed! I would roll onto my side and grab onto the bed rails and just push.... it hurt so much! Roy was on the bed with me rubbing my back and Chantal was on the other side with me rubbing my thighs and telling me to breathe... It went on for about 2 hours and then just as quickly as it started there they were, I felt them come out. At 6:55PM I said they are here they are here. She loooked and said ok good, keep pushing they are almost out. What was funny is that they came out with the sac completely intact still. My water never broke! Poor Roy he saw them. I had this urge to ask if they were ok but I knew they weren't. She was so respectful she took the sac and placed them in the container she had brought had pierced the membrane and took the girls out one by one. Unfortunately I was busy thowing up so I missed that moment. Roy was still on the bed with me and he had this sad look in his face. He originally didn't want to see them. He thought that would be too hard. But now he was there and he was looking at them. Lying there on the bed. Our daughters. Grace Elizabeth and Anna Marie Kelly. They were here! Chantal took them out of the room to clean them up and asked me to go and see if I could psuh out the placenta. I said OK I wil try. I went and it almost came out. Chantal came in and brought us our bundle of babies. They were wrapped in a blanket and when you unwrapped them there they were placed in tiny little robes. They were the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life. I wanted to hold them and caress them and kiss them, I wanted to tell them how much I loved them and how our lives will never be the same without them in it. But I couldn't stop thorwing up and I was bleeding pretty heavily. Roy grabbed the camera and took a couple pictures and then the nurse heard me throwing up again and came in. She checked the bleeding and said she was concerned and had called the Dr. Roy and I thanked her so much for our time with our girls. We were only abe to be with them for a very short time but were so greatful we had that. We both touched them and told them how much we loved them before they were taken away. Chantal had stayed past her shift just to make sure that she was there for us during the delivery and told us she would go now but to take care of ourselves. We thanked her for that and she presented us with the robes they were wrapped in. The next thing I knew another nurse was in there and wiping me down and I was told I had to go for a D&C to control the bleeding and because the placenta was stuck. I was frightened and still sick. Dr Smith came down to get me personally and then we went up to the OR. I threw up in the elevator again.... and then it was so quick, filled out some forms, they took some blood and I was whisked off for surgery. Poor Roy didn't know what was going on.... I mean we just had the babies and now this!? I had to sign a blood transfusion form because they thought I had lost too much blood.. Once we got in the OR it was fast and I was out in a matter of minutes. All went well and when I came out Roy was in the recovery room waitng for me. It was over. I had 2 IVs and they took me back to my room and Roy and I just lay there... he moved the cot closer to me so we could be together. We had just experienced the single most incredible yet most painful thing in our lives together. But we survived. They had me on pitocin for the night and when I woke up I was ready to go. Once breakfast came I ate... O it was so good to eat again! And I asked if we were going home. They said that the Dr just wnated to run through that bag into your IV so if we wanted to we could go. They took out the IVs and I changed and we packed up and were ready to go home. All I wanted to do was come home.... and yet it was so hard to leave the hospital without our girls. We had made special arrangements to have them picked up and taken to Turner and Porter to have them cremated. My mother made the arrangements for us and Thank God for her. They were picked up in a lambskin lined casket together and were brought back to the funeral home. Where they will be dressed and special things will be placed inside with them. Including this blog. It was always meant to be with them so now it will be for eternity. Later next week we will get the urns with our girls inside and finally they will be home with us. All I want right now is to have them home with us. Evenutally they will be buried with mommy and daddy since that is where they belong. They may be gone but will never be forgotten! They are in our hearts for all eternity and I believe we will see them again someday but for now they are with my grandmother in heaven. We will love them forever and for always and as long as we are living our babies they will be. Now we just have to move past it and move on but they will always be in our hearts! We love you Grace and Anna never doubt that. May you rest in peace.

Love Mommy and Daddy.

Pictures

15 weeks 16 weeks 17 weeks



some albeit blurry pictures from the last couple weeks.

No big changes yet aside from visually. I am definitely feeling the babies grow... and I am finally starting to put on some weight. WOW Bet you never thought I would say that!!

I will update again later this week. The big dr appt is Friday and my big 30 Birthday is Thursday.

MO MO Twins

Well I am sorry I haven't updated in a while but alot has been going on..... It is official everyone knows now and I am starting to show. Which is funny because I am 4 months and should already look huge! I am having a problem with my weight (back to prepregnancy weight) due to the momo's making me very sick but thanks to diclectin I am on the road to weight gain again.

On Monday May 29th we had our first appointment with Dr Smith at the High Risk Clinic and he was great. I really hope that he delivers my little bundles because he had a great disposition and he even rushed me in to have an ultrasound right then and there during our appointment. He was pretty sure they were in the same sac but wanted Dr. Ryan at Mt. Sinai to see me in case of any issues... We got the appt at Mt. Sinai for Wednesday May 31st and it was the appt from HELL. We got there and waited and waited and waited... finally we got in and saw a nurse and had a consultation discussing best case and worst case scenarios.... OK I can handle this. Roy and I talked and waited and waited some more then we got into an u/s room and waited some more... by now it was almost 11am... and our appt was for 9am. HMM well its worth it we kept thinking. Finally the nurse came in and did the scan it was our worst case scenario... they appear to be in the same sac but the Dr will have to come and do the scan himself to confirm. SO AGAIN we waited... but this time we waited with a picture on the screen of the umbilical cords entangled... Roy had this look on his face that I pray I never see again... he was so upset and devestated and I felt like I had to be strong even though I was thinking the same thing he was.... The worst case scenario is that one or both of the babies will die due to the cords being entangled and compressed. There are "options" abort one baby giving the other a better chance or end the pregnancy altogether.... Not options in our minds. The other problem is that the oxygen could be cut off to their brains and they could have cerebral palsy... can you just imagine raising one or two sick kids.. they try to make you feel bad but it didn't work. We were not even considering it. It's in God's hands. The Dr came in after lunch (around 1) and did a scan and the little hyperactive kids weren't making it easy for him. O no they kept changing positions which frustrated him .... finally he said OK go out in the waiting room and YOU GUESSED IT.... WAIT until the other machine is available and then we can see better there... so we went out and waited for another 2 hours.... then we had the scan on this machine... mercedes machine they call it... clearer picture... the sonographer started the scan then called in the dr and then I wear to you I thought they were going to start selling popcorn.... there were 5 people (not including Roy and I) watching this scan... apparently a medical puzzle.... lucky me. By now I am tired and hungryt and thirsty and I just want to leave!!! FInally they determine there is absolutely no membrane between them and yes the cords are already quite tangled up.... BUT there is nothing we can do...... BUT...............WAIT! So we went into the first room where we started and waited some more... but this time they brought us an article on momo pregnancies. The first thing I read was the fatality rateis 30-70% Well I wanted to just scream but I stayed and calmly waited for the nurse to come back in say that they didn't think things looked very good but IF we make it to 26 weeks then we will see them here in Toronto again. In the meantime Dr Smith can continute to see me every other week and do a scan to see how things are progressing.... for those of you reading this that means to see if one or both babies are still "alive". So day to day I walk around with these babies inside me not knowing if today is the day that one or both will perish. A very morbid thought I realize...but nonetheless the truth. I hope we can make it tilll 26 weeks and then they will hospitalize me until they are born. Daily monitoring will have give them the best chance. In the meantime my heart aches and my heart breaks and the tears have finally stopped flowing. We really just have to take it one day at a time.
The problem is that monoamniotic twins are a very risky pregnancy and we just have to keep these precious miracles in our thoughts and prayers.

Our Second Ultrasound................SURPRISE!

Well we went for our second ultrasound yesterday and we were met with such a gigantic surprise my head is still reeling!!

We arrived at the fertility clinic and they called my name to go in. She did the measurements from the belly and then I could pee! Now for the trans vag ultrasound... OK so I am used to them so no biggie for me. It felt like she was in there for an hour! Well it was actually 31 minutes that I was in the ultrasound room so I guess time goes a little slower that we thought! FINALLY she went to get Roy so we could look at our little bug all snug as a bug in a rug! She says well this time we are seeing something different.. I said o yes its probably bigger.... she turns the monitor and there we see a flicker of a heartbeat... I was so full of instant love... then she says there are 2! 2 what? 2 BABIES! 2 Heartbeats! TWINS! OMG I couldn't believe it...but I couldn't stop staring at the screen then ROy says Why don't they have seats in here for the husbands?? We weren't sure if he was going to pass out or what so the tech gave him her seat! I looked over at him and he was pale but had this huge smile on his face.. Secretly telling me not to worry everything will be alright! When I went into the room to change I almost fell as my mind started racing and my legs started to buckle... I just stood therer for a second and said...well God only gives us what we can handle so we will be fine. We sat in the waiting room and they gave us a picture showing them both. We just couldn't stop looking at it as the world around us was spinning. We never expected that! Funny how today is such a completely new day compared to yesterday!

Well we have scanned in the picture and we are giving it framed as an Easter gift to the grandparents for Easter so I will let you know their response!

This truly is a blessed Easter!

Well you are going to be grandparents!

I am really sorry I haven't updated in a while but I have just been busy dealing with family and friends since most now know about you joyous news. I am also suffering from a problem with my sciatic nerve and am so tired at the end of the day!

We finally told my mom and Peter. We went to dinner at their house and I just couldn't get around to telling them... I chickened out! After being there for several hours, after eating dinner and dessert and talking forever it was time to go............ we still hadn't told them. It was so hard. Finally Roy says to them SHellie has something she wants to tell you and my mom says O what you didn't like dinner? (typical response) And I responded no we're pregnant! They laughed amd mom jumped up and hugged me and said it worked!! Yes it worked but unfortunately at that point it still wasn't real to us really... Aside from slight nausea I didn't feel any different!

Then on Saturday we decided to stop by Roy's parent's house and have a quick chat. We arrived bags in hand (bibs for each grandparent that said I Love my Grandma or Grandpa and a plain bib for Auntie Susan) We arrived only to find out that Susan was out for the day! So we sat and chatted for a bit and then Roy decided to give them the bags anyways. They got excited and hugged us and told us they just knew bla bla bla.... (I am glad everyone else knew cause Roy and I sure didn't!) They were excited and later that night Susan called and said congratulations Mommy and Daddy!

All the grandparents are excited and happy and looking forward to being able to tell people in May (when we have reached our 3 month mark)

Update soon!

The next ultrasound is April 13th! Looking forward to seeing my little bug.

Yolk! It isn't just for chicken eggs anymore!

Well today we went for our first ultrasound. I walked in with my full bladder and she did the u/s but I didn't get to see anything... then emptied bladder and went in for trans vaginal ultrasound... It felt like she was in there for hlaf an hour... all these things went racing through my head... something is wrong... there is more than one.... etc...
Finally she said ok I will go get Roy and you can both see it. NOW I had tears stinging my eyes... my first peek at the life we created. Well...... PEEK is the operative word. SHe put in the camera and turned the monitor and there is was a little black & gray yolk sac. It was almsot too exciting to bear... I just wanted to freeze that moment in time. I looked at Roy and he smiled and then that was it. Put on your pants and get dressed and wait for the nurse to talk to you. OKAY I can do this.... so we get in the room and she says well it is measuring less than 6 weeks... I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach... WHAT?? I am 6 weeks 1 day how can that be!? Everything looks fine but its preliminary and we need to make a second OB appt for another u/s and then you will talk to you Dr. APril 13th....1:30pm. WOW! Another look... interesting. I was waiting and hoping for a picture but we didn't get one... nothing to see really anyways so I can accept that. I was a little dissapointed so I came home and thought about it and talked about it with some people online... I am 6weeks 1 day according to LMP but from point of conception probably only around 4 weeks.... So its nothing to worry about...... so far. Again Roy doesn't seem to show any emotion one way or another so I am not sure if he was excited or dissapointed or well there was nothing to see so we will have to wait.... He is an odd little duck and I am carrying his odd little duckling! Now cause there is another appointment we are going to have change our plans and tell our families sooner rather than later. He has decided this weekend. GREAT! This should make for an interesting weekend! :) Then we go out and celebrate!!
I will try to update as often as I can bu really at this point its all about the big moments (u/s, telling family etc) SO I will update again real soon!

Second Beta--NUmbers UP!

Well I went for my second bloodtest today aagain thinking numbers will be down or oops we are sorry we made a mistake but instead....... My number was 470 should have been around 348 so those are good nuumbers. Progesterone was 60.8 also a nice high bnumber..... the nurse who called me was almost as excited as I was!!! I have booked my first ultrasound and it will be next Tuesday @ 2pm. Unbelievable to me that in one week we will see our.... little bug!!

Too much excitement means I get nauseous... again today with the nausea. In the morning ..... growl growl growl and then in the afternoon I didn't feel well.... now tonight hungry again... its a new interesting like!!!!!!!!!

Roy was kind enough to share his cold with me....... so now I am sniffly.... which sucks!

Anyways just thought I would pop in update and leave... lets call it a popdate! HAHA! OK I make myself laugh!

Snug As A Bug In A Rug!

Well on Thursday I discoverd that I am PREGNANT!

It took me until now to update the blog because I still don't beleive it.

I went in @ 7AM for the blood test and the nurse asked me how far along I was and I laughed.. I said O I am only here for a test cause its been 2 weeks but I dont think so... stranger things have happened!

Then 12 o'clock rolled around... and I called ever 5-10 minutes...I knew it was negative... I had totally come to terms with that... BUT then at 1 I got someone on the line and she said to me is this your first test.... like a total idiot I said O no I have had tons b4! DUH! She meant this cycle. I am just so used to hearing.. sorry its neagtive. INSTEAD I heard ok your number is 87 come back on Monday for another test so we can make sure your numbers a re doubling then we will make an appointment for an ultrasound... I said WHAT?? Its positive??? It cannot be... test it again!
She didn't have a great sense of humour... she just said ok repeat on Monday. MONDAY??? How totally Bizarre! When I told Roy he started getting emotional.... both of us are completely in shock! I am not willing to admit it yet but there is a bug all snug in my rug!! OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!? What is totally so shocking is how unprepared I am for this. I couldn't stop shaking for over an hour and on top of that I was so nauseous all day! I mean I am going to be a mommy??? After 5 long years I am getting what we worked so hard for.. and yet I am not sure how to react! I won't believe it until I see it on the ultrasound!

I will update again on Monday! With my new numbers.........hopefully doubled!! ;)

March 2,3 2006 Second IUI

Well Happy Valentines Day! AF ARRIVED!
On day 3 went for my day 3 ultrasound fully anticipating cysts soory we have to cancel this cycle...... BUT instead I got an all clear go ahead and start the Gonal-F! Shocked me I was still in shock 10 days later! Took teh injections every night @ 6pm. BUt ironically my Right side was too tough I couldn't push the needle through.... So I just focused on the left. It was ok.... by around cd15 I was tired of the daily appointments and ultrasounds and bloodwork.... the first couple time I was happy but this month I am tired... I was warned about the difference between pills and injections but I said eh I can handle it. It caught up with me. I started dreading the daily prick of the needle the headaches that I got from them and everything they stood for. Day 16 came and I was rady to get the injection I had 3 eggs only but they are good eggs and they are ripe and ready. Pam the nurse came in and said that there was some concern that I was overstimulating. She gave me an information sheet and now I am freaking out a little bit. The Dr comes in and he says sorry no HCG trigger until we get your bloodwork later today. Can you come back? Sure of course I can. SO I wait on baited breath for their call...which AGAIN doesnt come so I call and call and call over again. Finally I get someone they said I culd have the shot as long as my E2 level didn't go over 6000. My level went to 6090. I begged them to talk to my Dr and so they did and called m back...how soon can you come... I WILL be ther in 15 minutes I hopped in my car and I was there in 20 minutes I got my trigger and came back to work. I am really blessed that I work for a company who allows me to got my appts. I always make up the time so its never a real issue....
Again we go for our first IUI but this time its a Thursday!! Go in and first time get Chinese Dr and Roy's count is 77M WOW see he really is SUPERMAN!! Roy goes back to work I go home and work from home for rest of day.... resting in my trackpants... Go back on Friday and his count is 45.3M I told you SUPERMAN!! Dr G is the Dr and he says wow we don't see that here often... Roy and I both panick...see what?? That high a count he says. WOW well thanks DOCTOR! That makes him feel GREAT! So now we are in the 2WW symptoms.... well everything I experience is due to my friend Progesterone... tender boobs, nausea, backache, cramps, lightheadedness.... I will update next week once I have tested.... Fingers crossed my next posting will be an announcement. ;)

January 27th FIRST IUI

Well this month has just sped forward so fast. Today I had my first IUI ok so at first I was nervous... A LOT nervous had the trigger yesterday and feeling like I am ready now. So we went in (Thank God it was on a weekend I mean how do you explain that to people....) It was so nerver racking and poor Roy he was really feeling the pressure...ok no pun intended....or is there?? WE dropped off the sample at 7:30...there should be a law against a man having to wake up THAT early to produce a sample on a weekend!!!! There were 14 other women having the same procedure at the same day so it was going to be a busy day!! FOR ALL INVOLVED! I went in and gave my name they gave me the key and I unlocked the cubby and placed his sample in and left. Had to return at 10:30... We decided to go for breakfast at Mc D's to help calm our nerves ok so stomach was in knots just thinking about it...We showed up at 10:30 and around 11:45 they called our names go in the room remove bottoms lay on the bed with legs in the dreaded stirrups and wait. Poor Roy has NEVER been in the room with me during an exam before and he didn't know what to do. I feel its important for him to be in the room so I made him come in. OF COURSE it is the West Indian doctor not my specialist... first time and not a Dr I know... great! TMI so those of you with weak stomachs stop reading now.... The dr jacked me open...with that speculum thing and sucked up Superman's boys (45.5M post wash) with a syringe and then he puts in a thin catheter and o but wait.... he cannot seem to find the cervix... he starts poking around in there and I am wincing it just feels really uncomfortable not painful.. Roy says are you hurting her... Love the guy but SHUT UP! The dr says yes it would be great if women had tattoos turn left here etc... ha ha the boys have a laugh and then he announces he is in!! Time for the swimmers to do their work.. Great CM too so thats a great thing. Came back next day to drop off the sample but everyone is waiting outside.... It seems that someone tried to break in to the clinic and broke the lock.... All the IUI poeple are sitting in the cars with their samples tucked between their breasts/legs desperately trying to keep the boys warm.... FINALLY after pretty much everyone walked up to the door and gave it a good shake and pounding it opened... Well you never seen people run into that place so fast...and everyone asking the same question... how will this affect my sample... they are supposed to be at the clinic within an hour of producing it and now its been 2 hours minimum. They assure us everything will be fine come back at regular time and they will do procedure. We come back and the dr is MY DOCTOR!! I was so relieved! The count was 7M which is a little low... but since there was some spillage and we only got into the clinic 2 hours later... we weren't surprised... DR G is wonderful and SOO FAST no sooner am I jacked open but I am done and laying there resting. AWESOME! Come back in 2 weeks if no af and O yes please don't forget to take these little white bullets of progesterone twice a day once in the morning and once in the evening... yes they are suppositories! O THE JOY JUST NEVER ENDS!
So I do it and every twinge, every swelling of the boobs or cramp I am thinking OMG this is it! Could this be it!? Well Tiff cons me into testing earlier than scheduled at home and we see its negative so I knew it was a NO. Still no af by official test date so I go in for pregnancy test..... keeping my fingers crossed I call later that day... no answer, call again no answer......Then the inlaws come over.... well I am carrying around the phone in my pants anxiously waiting the call.... THAT NEVER CAME!
We woke up on Sunday morning and Roy said hey lets call now while we are still in bed... so I called and with both of us listening heard it was negative... He looked so heartbroken.... Its ok there is always next time.

Except I am infamous for having cysts after each treatment so it will be a month or two before I get to attempt it again.

January 12th, 2006 Happy New Year! Here's to a GREAT YEAR!

Well First of all HAPPY NEW YEAR! I knwo this year will be a great one. I have decided that this is the year I become all I can be! OK so I turn 30 this year too and I am feeling old but thats not really the point is it? This is going to be the year I finally get pregnant, I finally learn what all the excitement is about. I just cannot express to you how happy that makes me feel. I look forward to sharing in and experiencing the miracle of childbirth. Today is CD 1 a new month a new beginning. I go for my ultrasound tomorrow and I pray to God everything looks good and I will begin the next round of Gonal-f. Its a strange feeling to be excited af is here and more importantly to look forward to injecting myself and being poked and prodded and pricked etc. I have now come to terms with the fact that it isn't going to happen naturally for us and that is OK. I will have a little assistance from the medicine and then I will be on my own. What an eyeopening experience this has been... it has been full of ups and downs (mostly downs granted) It has been full of joys ans sorrows but at the end of the day and much more importantly it has been filled with experiences.... I have grown to know and understand and yes... even LOVE my body and all its imperfections. I believe that a woman should know her body. She should know what goes on day to day inside her its a wonderful magical thing. I have made a great friend along the way... and I know this is it for her too! You know who you are! I pray at home I pray in the car I pray at work and I even pray at Church that this is our year and together we will go through another journey together! I have learned so many hard lessons in life and this was another example of it for Roy and I. I learned to truly appreciate life and all the things that come in your life... all the people who who are truly blessed and are given the gift of life and don't even realize its a gift. The millions (yes millions) of women in our world that cannot concieve the truly embearassing and the shameful looks and comments that get thrown our way. The ignorance of society as a whole that this is a medical problem and that you are not a woman unless you have a child. Yes there are options available and even adoption but for some women thats not what they want they want to feel it grow and kick and experience the joyful pain of childbirth and experience the miracle. That is not selfish it is something that we feel deep in our soul. The tough decisions you have to make along the way that teach us that things aren't always as we want them. God has a plan I do beleive that.... and everytime I have another dissapointment or setback I rememeber that. I beleive his plan was that I go through these motions and that I learn what I have learned as they will make me a better person in the end and ultimately a much better mom!

December 9th, 2005 Merry Christmas To me???

I have been on HOLD for 2 months because of the cysts and then I waited for af to come... watching my temperature was funny....it just kept rising then stayed up for such a long time... day 28 passed, 38 passed..I took a test negative of course! So Murphys Law states that tomorrow it will come right?? WRONG! WRRONG! Finally cd45 I decided I should make the trip to the clinic. So I go at 7am for my blood test..... results will be in at 11am. 11AM!!?? COOL 4 hours thats it! So 11am rolls around I get off my conference call and even though I didn't believe that I was it was still an exciting nerve racking time. No answer at the nurses station! WHAT?? NO ANSWERR!! OK I will leave a message.... 11:15 I call again, 11:25 I call again.... where the hell are these nurses?? DOn't they know I am going crazy losing my mind?? I called every 10-15 minutes until 12:30......Finally I got in touch with the nurse and she gets the dr involved and they decided that since its not here yet and CHirstmas is 2 weeks away...that I should just leave it...if its not here by 23rd then come back for a pregnancy test and then start Provera on Christmas Day. Christmas Day??? Merry Christmas to me! HAHA! So Roy decides to get in line for an xbox........which meant that Tiffy and I could do some work on that massive quilt we are making......and I ended up sleeping over.... who kknew that would be the mediine that worked??? NOW IT CAME!! Here's hoping that I am lucky enough to keep working at this fertility thing just before CHristmas...Roy and I are off the week after......... so I will be nice and relaxed?? GOD WILLING this is it!???

UPDATE!

NOPE CLINIC IS CLOSED TILL JANUARY....SO ANOTHER BREAK FOR ME! :(

I pray that January is our MONTH!

October 28th Each month that passes by the light at the end of tunnel gets dimmer!

Last month was very difficult for me because I had alot of cysts and I was in alot of pain but again I weathered the storm and came through it. I anxiously waited for AF to come so I could again go on the shots and start the fun of IUI and all that comes along with it. I had a creatine clearance I had to do so I prayed if it was going to come to just hold off until Monday......famous last words. Alot of people thought I was expecting but I knew that wasn't so...so Sunday nothing then Monday night it came. Yay!!! I thought how wonderful its here and now I make my next appointment at the clinic and get the ultrasound and begin the shots....in my mind I had it all planned out. Then I went for my ultrasound and bloodwork and the nurse said while I was having the ultrasound that the right side was completely clear...this is it this is the month...I started mentally preparing myself...I will have to give myself the injection everynight...no problem I am an old pro at it now right?? Well I waited what seeemed like forever and the nurse called me into the room and she introduced the new nurse and we looked at my file (which gets thicker every month that passes) and she says wow you have been here a while now... yes I said I have very bad luck here. Well she says hopefully this month your luck will change! Yes I said..I pray that is so. While I waited for the doctor I asked myself if its good news how will I react with a smile or just a nod?? He came into the room and looked at my chart...there is 1 cyst still there on the left side and its fairly big. (2.7) this concerns him so he will precribe the injections and if my E2 level is below 150 we can go ahead with 75iu for 4 nights. I am sure it will be fine so I make all my appointments and I leave with a big smile on my face! Then I return to work and I am so busy I almost forget to call.... I call and this idiot nurse who has no sense of people's reactions says o your E2 is 275 and he has decided not to continue see next month. I am quiet on the phone...my heart is breaking and she says hello hello is anyone there...DUH you just gave me terrible news what would you like me to do thank you??? I hung up I was so upset and I just sat here at my desk....Empty, defeated, sad. Will this ever go my way? Will I ever be successful all these thoughts of sadness and doubt are swimming in my head I sit here and cannot control the tears streaming down my face... All I want to do is go home and crawl under teh covers and cry. I am engulfed with selfish thoughts...why me thoughts....failure thoughts. BUT I don't want to wait another month...I just waited a month for the dam things to go away..... WHAT THE HELL! I gather my strength and continue to work but I am just so defeated....I get into my car when I leave and I cannot help but bawl.... its not my time its never my time its always the same thing....why me? OK GOD I get it stop testing me.... my character is all built up now I am strong I am concious of things now...enough is enough!! I went home and got under those covers I had thought about all afternoon....now I was warm and sad...spent the night crying in my bed...thinking of how awful my life is...how unfair my life is...how hopeless this whole thing is...................now I wait....they say the 2WW is brutal....try 4WW!!

September 30th 2005

Well life as I know it is forever changed AGAIN...... we (ok ME) did the injections last month and what a shock to the system. TO THE VERY CORE! First of all I can do it!...Gotta psyche yourself up the first time (THANKS TIFFY) but I did it! Then it came as natural as getting dressed. It was soo easy I almost started to look forward to poking myself. :-0 I found my belly fat .....yup BELLY FAT made that the most comfortable place to do it... Went for all the appts and ultrasounds and I got to watch as my follicles went from NOTHING one day to something the next...by cd 8 I had 19 nice size follies...then the dreaded phone call came. I had Hyperstimmed....and needed to be monitored. Great now he got his wish and we have a scale in the house
:( ....and I had to measure my belly etc.... Suddenly I hated the injections I wanted to cry! All this for nothing because they cancelled the cycle. WHY ME syndrome came in and hit me like a ton of bricks....or should I say pricks! I just prayed for it all be over soon the pain was awful and the nausea was worse...yet here I was gaining weight. I just wanted to crawl under a rock I couldn't get out of bed cause I just didn't want to deal with it...but there was that lovely pain a constant reminder that it was still here. I could just feel myself getting more and more depressed and then it was time for my day 1 ultrasound so I psyched myself up drank my water like a good girl and then.......HOLY HECK! What is that....this is new...the ultrasound lasted for 30 minutes and was extremely painful! OW! Right there I knew something was wrong.... As soon as the nurse talked to me I could tell the news wasn't good...but I am not going to break down not now... she says OMG you have tons of cysts! CYSTS!! ALL I heard was 6 on one side 7 on the other and next cycle is cancelled!! Well I foolishly held out hope that the dr would say something different but he said the same thing...and then the whole...are you in a lot of pain..what number from 1-10 is your pain.... whatever I just want to scream leave me alone and run out of there but I keep my composure and I leave smiling all the way. They must think I am 2 bricks short of a load!! Another FAILED month another FAILED cycle. TICK TICK TICK and chaching a ring a ding...... we are quickly running out of money now so the timer has been set. We have "x" amount of months left and then the journey will have reached its end. Dr. G has stated that the next course is IVF....but we just cannot afford that. :(

I know that things happen for a reason! I thank God for the opportunity to prove to the world that we can overcome any obstacle and our love can shine through the blackest night. I am already blessed with so many gifts from God including the undying and unwaivering love of my soul mate and I really couldn't have asked for anything more.

BUT

I continue to hope and pray for that miracle and I continue to live vicariously through others and I love that I am surounded by greatfriends and lots of babies!! AND NEW ONES BEING ADDED TO THE LIST ALL THE TIME!!! :) Carm you are always in my heart and miind!! I love being an aunt....its something that helps me keep going and knowing that its all worth it!