September 30th 2005

Well life as I know it is forever changed AGAIN...... we (ok ME) did the injections last month and what a shock to the system. TO THE VERY CORE! First of all I can do it!...Gotta psyche yourself up the first time (THANKS TIFFY) but I did it! Then it came as natural as getting dressed. It was soo easy I almost started to look forward to poking myself. :-0 I found my belly fat .....yup BELLY FAT made that the most comfortable place to do it... Went for all the appts and ultrasounds and I got to watch as my follicles went from NOTHING one day to something the next...by cd 8 I had 19 nice size follies...then the dreaded phone call came. I had Hyperstimmed....and needed to be monitored. Great now he got his wish and we have a scale in the house
:( ....and I had to measure my belly etc.... Suddenly I hated the injections I wanted to cry! All this for nothing because they cancelled the cycle. WHY ME syndrome came in and hit me like a ton of bricks....or should I say pricks! I just prayed for it all be over soon the pain was awful and the nausea was worse...yet here I was gaining weight. I just wanted to crawl under a rock I couldn't get out of bed cause I just didn't want to deal with it...but there was that lovely pain a constant reminder that it was still here. I could just feel myself getting more and more depressed and then it was time for my day 1 ultrasound so I psyched myself up drank my water like a good girl and then.......HOLY HECK! What is that....this is new...the ultrasound lasted for 30 minutes and was extremely painful! OW! Right there I knew something was wrong.... As soon as the nurse talked to me I could tell the news wasn't good...but I am not going to break down not now... she says OMG you have tons of cysts! CYSTS!! ALL I heard was 6 on one side 7 on the other and next cycle is cancelled!! Well I foolishly held out hope that the dr would say something different but he said the same thing...and then the whole...are you in a lot of pain..what number from 1-10 is your pain.... whatever I just want to scream leave me alone and run out of there but I keep my composure and I leave smiling all the way. They must think I am 2 bricks short of a load!! Another FAILED month another FAILED cycle. TICK TICK TICK and chaching a ring a ding...... we are quickly running out of money now so the timer has been set. We have "x" amount of months left and then the journey will have reached its end. Dr. G has stated that the next course is IVF....but we just cannot afford that. :(

I know that things happen for a reason! I thank God for the opportunity to prove to the world that we can overcome any obstacle and our love can shine through the blackest night. I am already blessed with so many gifts from God including the undying and unwaivering love of my soul mate and I really couldn't have asked for anything more.

BUT

I continue to hope and pray for that miracle and I continue to live vicariously through others and I love that I am surounded by greatfriends and lots of babies!! AND NEW ONES BEING ADDED TO THE LIST ALL THE TIME!!! :) Carm you are always in my heart and miind!! I love being an aunt....its something that helps me keep going and knowing that its all worth it!