Thursday, March 09, 2006

October 28th Each month that passes by the light at the end of tunnel gets dimmer!

Last month was very difficult for me because I had alot of cysts and I was in alot of pain but again I weathered the storm and came through it. I anxiously waited for AF to come so I could again go on the shots and start the fun of IUI and all that comes along with it. I had a creatine clearance I had to do so I prayed if it was going to come to just hold off until Monday......famous last words. Alot of people thought I was expecting but I knew that wasn't Sunday nothing then Monday night it came. Yay!!! I thought how wonderful its here and now I make my next appointment at the clinic and get the ultrasound and begin the my mind I had it all planned out. Then I went for my ultrasound and bloodwork and the nurse said while I was having the ultrasound that the right side was completely clear...this is it this is the month...I started mentally preparing myself...I will have to give myself the injection problem I am an old pro at it now right?? Well I waited what seeemed like forever and the nurse called me into the room and she introduced the new nurse and we looked at my file (which gets thicker every month that passes) and she says wow you have been here a while now... yes I said I have very bad luck here. Well she says hopefully this month your luck will change! Yes I said..I pray that is so. While I waited for the doctor I asked myself if its good news how will I react with a smile or just a nod?? He came into the room and looked at my chart...there is 1 cyst still there on the left side and its fairly big. (2.7) this concerns him so he will precribe the injections and if my E2 level is below 150 we can go ahead with 75iu for 4 nights. I am sure it will be fine so I make all my appointments and I leave with a big smile on my face! Then I return to work and I am so busy I almost forget to call.... I call and this idiot nurse who has no sense of people's reactions says o your E2 is 275 and he has decided not to continue see next month. I am quiet on the heart is breaking and she says hello hello is anyone there...DUH you just gave me terrible news what would you like me to do thank you??? I hung up I was so upset and I just sat here at my desk....Empty, defeated, sad. Will this ever go my way? Will I ever be successful all these thoughts of sadness and doubt are swimming in my head I sit here and cannot control the tears streaming down my face... All I want to do is go home and crawl under teh covers and cry. I am engulfed with selfish thoughts...why me thoughts....failure thoughts. BUT I don't want to wait another month...I just waited a month for the dam things to go away..... WHAT THE HELL! I gather my strength and continue to work but I am just so defeated....I get into my car when I leave and I cannot help but bawl.... its not my time its never my time its always the same thing....why me? OK GOD I get it stop testing me.... my character is all built up now I am strong I am concious of things now...enough is enough!! I went home and got under those covers I had thought about all I was warm and sad...spent the night crying in my bed...thinking of how awful my life unfair my life hopeless this whole thing I wait....they say the 2WW is brutal....try 4WW!!

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Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie
Always on our minds, Forever in our hearts (June 28, 2006)