Does the Pain ever go away??

When I lost my daughters I could never imagine a worse pain. The emptiness, the anger, the longing for my babies, waking up each day belieiving it was all a nightmare and they were there fast asleep in their cribs in the nursery. I was finally able to move on, I was ready to try again and this time would be different this time we would be successful. I really believed that. N o matter what I thought there was no way that life could be that cruel to me. But I was wrong wasn't I? Life can be that cruel in fact this time in many ways it was just a tease. Can you imagine believing you are pregnant only to go in and find out that it is just an empty sac? That once again you find yourself on the wrrong side of the odds. Except this time I cannot seem to come back. I am just so sad all the time and i have lost my will to do anything. I don't have the will to live anymore... its just not there. I want to scream and I want to cry and break things and make myself feel better and yet I don't think that anything will make me feel better. Even my husband has lost faith.... lost faith in me and faith in the fact that we will ever have children. What a sad dissapointing life and marriage this has turned out to be. Now he barely talks to me and when he does its just to call me barren and tell me there is no point to life if we cannot have children of our own. Makes me feel even worse considering I feel the same way. We have discovered that the problem is my eggs. My eggs are of poor quality and this is why our last IVF didnt go as well as expected. So once again I am a failure and everything is all my fault. What a totally shitty life! I give up!!!

Like getting a wrapped Christmas gift - a box full of air! :(

OK I haven't updated because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. For that I am sorry. First of all my third pregnancy test came back 140.3 the numbers were doubling I couldn't believe it... I wasn't willing to admit it. Neither was my hubby... It was soo exciting and I was happy.. this was it it felt weird but I again I let myself get my hopes up. What a funny thing.. to consistently promise yourself you won't get your hopes up and then to be cautiously optomisitc to the point where positivity and smiles started seeping in. Eventually as weeks went by my tummy started to grow.. no not enough that anyone else would notice... but we did. My boobs got fuller and I started having the growls... which for me is my biggest pregnancy symptom.. suddenly I am hungry... I started reminicing about last time and remembering how I let those moments go by without truly appreciating them... this time woudl be different.. this time I would appreciate every single second of each moment. Eventually hubby and I started to talk about our future and making plans, we smiled and we were happy.. genuinely happy. It just feels like forever since we were that happy. He would curl up with me at night and cuddle into me and put his hands on my belly... I loved the thought of it. I had him convinced that this time it was a boy and I didn't want to know what it was until it was born.. yes we really needed something to hold on to and it felt so good to have that. We needed that so badly.. I don't think we really knew how much we needed it until we had it. Then 3 days before my 7 week ultrasound I saw pink on the t.p. I freaked out and had a total panic attack. Suddenly my happiness was crushed and I just saw it... this wasn't going to end well... AGAIN just like last year I had that feeling.. I call it wannabe mom's intuition. Monday the pink turned to brown spotting and I called the clinic and they put me on total bedrest. I will admit it was alot harder than I expected... getting up only to pee was weird but totally worth it as long as it helped my little Nemo survive.... Wednesday came and I went in for my ultrasound.. now a 7 week ultrasound is supposed to be an exciting time but I knew something was wrong and AGAIN noone listened to me. I took my sister with me because I needed someone who has been through it and someone who will be there for me and hold my hand. She was there when the embryo was transferred she should be there to see it for the first time. There was a gestational sac so technically yes I am pregnant... then I went pee and they inserted the wand... and then I could sense the tension... something was wrong.. I just lay there and stared at the ceiling and hoped I was wrong... I closed my eyes and thought of the last time I saw my daughters on the ultrasound screeen.. these beautiful baby girls curled into each other with no beating heart... I remembered how I cried and how hubby cried while they sat there and took measurements for 10 minutes... and how the look on the doctor's face broke my heart. She showed me the sac and said its just too early to see a yolk sac or fetal pole but the dr will discuss it with you further. As soon as I got to the waiting room I looked at my sister and I said now do you believe me? Its an empty sac... there is no baby. She still wasn't willing to admit it. Finally we met with the dr and he told me what I feared. There is no baby... If you don't miscarry soon then you will have to abort it. I have another u/s scheduled for 1:30 next Wednesday to see if everything is gone or what stage we are at. He told me that he was very sorry but unfortunately although I am measuring 6 weeks 5 days the sac is just too small and its not a viable pregnancy. I absoloutely cannot believe I am going through another loss. Five months or 7 weeks it still rips out your heart and breaks you in two. After all the pain and suffering and IVF/ICSI nightmare I am about to have a very painful miscarriage.... and if it all doesnt come out on its own.. I will need a D&C. I want to scream I want to cry I want to break stuff but mostly I just long for my daughters. Maybe its wrong of me to think like that.. and maybe it makes no sense but I hurt so badly....I loved all my babies... but I just don't know if I will ever get over losing my daughters. There really isn't a second of a minute of any day that I don't miss them.... but this has just brought my emotions back my feelings of failure and I just feel like I am useless. Hubby has been great he just wants to take a break and then we will make some decisions about when to try again and how to try again... I really am lucky to have him... He must be just as broken hearted as I am... maybe not as empty... but he definitely hurts too. Well the cramps are getting soo bad I am having trouble sitting up so I think it is really just a matter of time before everything starts coming out... I will update again soon enough....

More than Just a little Pregnant!

Well

On 12 DPT I got a BFP. It was 10 which is a very very low number and not very promising. When the message was left for me it wasn't even a congratulations you are pregnant message it was a the number is 10 and its really low. Come back on Friday and we wil retest. If the numbers are doubling then that is a good sign. I went in on Friday and my numbers went up to 26.94. Which means they are doubling and I am officially pregnant. It is just beleived that it implanted late. If I didn't know better I would say it implanted the day after I got the 10 beta. I was cramping so much and having pains and then I has a spot of blood. So its a little behind but growing. Keep growing Nemo my darling. It is surreal to me that this is happening. Hubby is too scared to get excited and I am more scared than he is but I am looking forward to a better outcome this time. I talk to it daily and I got back for another beta on Monday to make sure the numbers are still going UP! Grow little Nemo GROW!

I found this interesting article and I had to post it. Of course as a woman who has suffered with this infertility disease for many years and has been trying to have a baby for 6 years I can tell you I am fully aware of the risks but I am willing to suffer through anything for a baby.


Are fertility treatments damaging our children?
By TOM RAWSTORNE - Last updated at 12:00pm on 18th June 2007
Comments (5)
The desperation of the infertile would-be mother knows no bounds. Lee Cowden, aching to conceive, was pumped full of hormones to make her produce more eggs. The result? A trip to hospital — but not to a maternity suite.
"I was 25 and felt this excruciating pain in my chest," recalls Lee, a music therapist from Surrey. "I was rushed into intensive care in an ambulance, and it became pretty clear that, despite my age, I had suffered a heart attack.
"I'd suffered a clot caused by the fertility treatment I had undergone. I remember lying in my hospital bed, desperately worried. Not for my health, but because I thought that they’d never let me have IVF again, and I'd never become a mother."
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Can we trust the science behind IVF?
Then there's Jane Edwards, a 36-year- old accountant from Manchester. She'd been trying for a baby for five years and was delighted when a course of drugs designed to stimulate her ovaries resulted in a harvest of 24 eggs. That delight, however, was short-lived.
"As I was being wheeled out of the treatment room, my breathing became irregular and then stopped altogether," says Jane. "They couldn’t find a pulse and I had to be resuscitated in an emergency room.
"I was suffering from what is known as ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, and to make it worse the eggs were a no-go.
"So what did I do? Carried on with treatment, of course. I want to be a mum more than anything in the world."
While these stories of self-sacrifice may sound extreme, a quick look at the myriad internet websites dedicated to the subject of IVF reveal they are far from unique.
But what they also reveal is that while women continue to risk serious side-effects from the fertility treatments they undergo, they are also increasingly beginning to question what effects these procedures may have on any future child.
"The drugs give me banging headaches, hot flushes and temper tantrums," writes one 33-year- old member of an online forum. "If they make me feel like this, what are they doing to my eggs?"
Another asks: "I am so excited to be having IVF, but will any baby I have be OK?"
She's not alone in asking. For while three decades have passed since the first test-tube baby was born in Britain, doubts persist about its longterm safety.
From the U.S. comes research that the common practice of storing fertilised embryos can provoke genetic changes that may develop into mental and behavioural disorders later in life; from Canada come claims that IVF can increase some birth defects tenfold; while from Denmark a study of young men finds those conceived through fertility treatment are 50 per cent more likely to be infertile themselves.
Taken with the explosion in multiple births (with their own inherent health problems), is it any surprise that others are starting to echo the sentiments of fertility expert Professor Robert Winston?
Can we really trust the science behind IVF, Lord Winston has asked. Or is it just a 'mass experiment' with desperate women as the guinea pigs — and the results a timebomb that future generations will have to defuse?
Louise Brown, the world’s first testtube baby, was born in 1978 and became a mother herself last year. Her son, Cameron, was conceived naturally and this was hailed in some quarters as proof that IVF really 'works'.
Others, however, caution against attributing too much significance to this happy event. The treatment that led to Louise’s birth, they point out, was very different from today's.
Doctors waited until one of her mother Lesley's eggs had ripened, collected it and then fertilised it in a test tube with her husband's sperm before replacing it in her womb.
Since then, procedures have moved on, with more than three million babies worldwide conceived through Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART) — IVF, ovulation induction and intra-uterine induction.
In Britain, ART accounts for 1.4 per cent of all births every year — 10,242 in 2004 — while many more women undergo treatment unsuccessfully (the success rate among women under 35 is 28.2 per cent, falling to 10.6 per cent for those aged 40-42).
The main developments in ART have focused on manipulating the production of a woman's eggs through the administration of fertility drugs.
This has been both to control the timing of ovulation and to increase the number of eggs produced. The more eggs, the logic goes, the higher the chance of a successful pregnancy.
Once harvested, the eggs are fertilised in the lab while the woman receives hormone drugs to ready her womb for implantation. It is then hoped a normal pregnancy will ensue.
That's the theory — the practice is somewhat different. With relatively small provision of IVF on the NHS, the fertility business has developed into a multi-million-pound industry charging up to £5,000 for a single cycle.
With all parties desperate for results, the tendency has been to use more drugs to produce more eggs and — hopefully — more babies.
But critics claim this approach has resulted in increased risks to the mother (cancers, clots and hyperstimulation) and to the unborn child, as well as an explosion in multiple births.
Today, the twin birth rate is 23.6 per cent for IVF mothers, compared with between one per cent and two per cent in the general population.
Not only are they more likely to be born prematurely and underweight, but there is also a greater risk that they will be stillborn or with a disability.
Rules governing IVF mean that women under 40 in Britain can have two embryos implanted, while those over 40 are allowed three.
But the Human Fertilisation And Embryology Authority (HFEA), which licenses fertility clinics, is running a public consultation to examine whether single-embryo implantation should become the norm.
While this shift will address the problems associated with multiple births, it's not the end of the matter.
For reasons that remain unclear, there are also higher incidences of post-birth difficulties with single IVF babies.
Studies have shown that they are two-and-a-half-times more likely to have a low birth weight — and small babies are known to be more likely to grow up to develop vascular disease, diabetes, hypertension or osteoporosis.
Further, analysis of the records of some 60,000 deliveries in Ontario, Canada, during 2005 found the 1,394 babies born via ART were 60 per cent more likely to have defects than children conceived naturally.
Gastrointestinal abnormalities were most common, though the babies also had a higher risk of bone, muscle and heart defects.
Rightly, many will argue that the risk of birth defects remains low — affecting just 2.62 per cent of ART babies, compared with 1.87 per cent of naturally conceived babies. But there is a discrepancy.
Is it caused by the drugs taken to induce ovulation? Or is it some asyetunidentified aspect of a couple’s infertility that is passed on and which affects their offspring?
Equally intriguing is the fact that the research seems to suggest that the more far-reaching the intervention, the more likely there is to be some sort of long-term problem.
Researchers in the U.S. say the common practice of storing fertilised embryos can provoke genetic changes that may develop into mental disorders. In the UK, embryos are often cultured for five to six days after fertilisation so they can start to divide and grow.
Only the healthiest embryos survive to the 'blastocyst' stage — when they are a tiny ball of 60 cells — and are then handpicked to boost pregnancy rates.
Instead of implanting two or three embryos, couples can select the one which is showing the best potential.
But this storage period could ultimately harm the baby, according to the study by scientists at the University of Pennsylvania.
It examined the behaviour of mice whose embryos were stored in the laboratory before being implanted in the womb of a 'foster' mother. They were compared with those whose embryos developed naturally in the womb before being transferred. The mice whose embryos had been stored began to show behavioural abnormalities at four to six months.
Another area causing particular concern is a procedure known as intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI), which involves passing a single sperm directly into an egg.
This technique is often used when the man has a very low sperm count or very poor sperm movement, both of which make normal fertilisation unlikely.
Research has found that ICSI babies have three times the rate of birth defects of naturally conceived infants.
Could the actual process of injecting the sperm directly into the egg be damaging the child? And could the genetic defects that made the donor infertile in the first place be passed on to their children?
This question of second-generation infertility is an area of particular interest, and given the relative infancy of the science of IVF, it is something that will become clear only in years to come.
But, already, there is some cause for concern. A recent Danish study of 2,000 men compared the fertility of those whose mothers had needed help to conceive with those who were conceived naturally.
The team, from the Rigshospitalet in Copenhagen, found that 47 men born as a result of treatment had lower fertility.
Indeed, 30 per cent of these men had so few sperm that they were judged to be infertile by World Health Organisation standards — compared with 20 per cent of the men conceived naturally.
On average, men conceived through IVF had 46 per cent fewer sperm, and those they did produce were more likely to be inactive and abnormally shaped.
The men also had smaller testicles and lower levels of the male sex hormone testosterone.
The differences were more pronounced in 25 men whose mothers had hormone-based drugs. Their sperm counts were 60 per cent lower than normal.
While it is not known what drugs the women took, the likely candidates-— clomifene, human menopausal gonadotropin (HMG) and human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG) — are used by thousands of British women a year. Clomifene and HMG coax the body into producing more eggs, while HCG triggers their release.
The researchers acknowledged that the results could partly be explained by genetics, with infertile couples passing on their problems to their offspring, but also raised the possibility that the female hormones in the drugs may harm the development of the sexual organs of any male foetus.
It is, of course, important to acknowledge that the risks remain small — in other words, if a natural child has a one-in-5,000 risk of a deformity, even if the risk doubles through IVF it remains a remote possibility. But medics insist it cannot be entirely ignored.
"The risks certainly aren't so big that we should not use this technology, but we should use it cautiously," says Professor William Ledger, professor of obstetrics and gynaecology at the University of Sheffield.
"My worry is that more and more people are turning to IVF almost as a lifestyle choice, as a convenience. In some instances, say because of their busy lives, couples may not be able to sleep with one another enough to conceive naturally.
"If one of them is working in the U.S. and the other in London, they see IVF as a surrogate for sex.
"Alternatively, women are waiting to start a family until they are rather old, and then turn to IVF. They are not infertile in the sense of having a blocked tube or something similar — they have just left it too late to have a baby naturally."
Secondly, there is a growing school of thought that, given the uncertainties, IVF clinics should be attempting to provide as low a level of intervention as possible, reducing the risks to mother and child.
Known as Natural Cycle or soft IVF, it centres on single- embryo IVF treatment involving minimal drug stimulation. The emphasis is on using high-tech scanning techniques to identify a few high-quality eggs, rather than using high drug dosages to stimulate the ovaries to over-produce.
"Yes, you can get a lot of eggs with stimulation," explains Dr Geeta Nargund, head of reproductive medicine at St George's Hospital, London, "but 65 to 70 per cent tend to be abnormal. It is the quality, not the quantity, of eggs that determines a successful pregnancy."
Of course, not everyone is suitable for this treatment, but one woman who did benefit was Lee Cowden, 28.
Following her heart attack in 2004, Lee — who was infertile after being diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome as a teenager — was told it was too dangerous for her to continue with conventional IVF.
But after being referred to Dr Nargund, it was agreed she would try the low-dose approach, and within three months of starting treatment she became pregnant.
"I cried my eyes out when the nurse finally said: "Your pregnancy test is positive." I was so happy."
Lee's daughter Molly was born last November and is doing well.
"Following the heart attack, I kept thinking it was only a matter of time before doctors told me I'd never be able to have children.
"I've been on a roller-coaster ride, with some agonising times. But I'm lucky — my story has a happy ending."
That is something everyone can only hope and pray all the women whose lives have been touched and moulded by IVF will have, too.

My little Nemo

I am so lucky to have my sister, I screwed up our relationship last year I became so self involved I feel like I became a selfish person that wasn't there for her when I needed her. So when my heart broke on June 28th and they told me that my embryos had slowed down and they couldn't put any in I did the one thing I knew. I reached out to my sister. I was lucky that she was off and able to come with me. We arrived at the clinic early and go set up in the back room. I put on my gown and hat and booties....I was shaking I was so nervous. What if they came into the room again and told me none survived?? At least I would have Tiffy with me. The nurse came in and asked Tiffy if she wanted to come in and we both said YES! So she got all gowned up with a hat and gown and booties and mask... I wish I had taken a picture we must have looked so funny. We walked into the OR and I got up on the table and they checked me to see if my bladder was full... I knew it was because I was having the pee shivers. They asked me if I wanted to empty a little before they called the dr and I said no I am fine. The dr came in and he had this look on his face. It wasn't good news. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. None survived the night did they? He explained that out of 16 successfully fertilized eggs that he was shocked that only 1 made it. But it was a grade 2 8 cell and that is still pretty good. Tiffy grabbed my hand and held it tight. I said OK lets go ahead with it. He put my legs in stirrups and cleaned my cervix and then put in the catheter. Then on the screen he showed us the uterus and te lining was at 15mm and then we could see the catheter go in and on the screen... then the embryologist left and went to go get the embryo. He came back with this long tube with the embryo loaded in it and then within seconds you could see it flickering on the screen and moving up the tube... then he deposited it at a nice thick part of the lining. To quote my sister it was like the webbing being shot out of spiderman... zoom right into there. I named it Nemo... like in the movie. He was the only egg that survived after the shark came and attacked the nest. So this is my Nemo. It survived after its 16 brother and sisters didn't. I have placed all my eggs (egg) in one basket and all my hopes and dreams are relying on that little embryo. Soon time will tell if its all for naught....but my hopes tell me this is it. I am on progesterone 3x a day, and prometrium 3 at bedtime, and estrace 3x a day. All these hormones to help it grow and flourish. Because of all the hormones I feel pregnant again. Its a strange feeling for me...it brings with it alot of emotions and memories about last year. I remember the tender boobs, and the cramps and aches and pains. I remember being hungry and nauseous all at once. I remember tummy growling at me because it needed food and I would pet it and talk to them and tell them mommy was working on it. Soon you would have food... Now with every growl I talk to Nemo. I actually talk to Nemo alot. I tell it to stay strong and to keep growing. I am paranoid and I am scared that I am going to do something wrong to screw it all up. I really hope that all this paranoia is for a good reason. I feel terrible that I didn't do anything special to celebrate the birth of my daughters. I went back and forth on it so many times. Do I do something or don't I, what can I possibly do that will make up for the loss and heartache I still feel? Then all this IVF business came up and my embryo transfer was scheduled for that day. One year to the day I gave birth I was going to be implanted with new life. I decided that this was a sign from Grace and Anna. They were ok with me moving on and that was a great tribute to them. Then when everything went wrong... I was confused again. Is this another sign that it's not meant to be? Or that they just wanted that day to be special for them only? I am so filled with emotions and sadness and confusion. I spent some time talking to them and being in the nursery with them and that felt good. I love that they are home with us and that I can touch them and be with them. This is my way of honouring them. I am moving forward. I am moving on. I am learning to love again and I am hopefully pregnant with their brother or sister.

My First Egg Retrieval

Well the day finally came I was nervous and scared and shaky I went into the clinic and turned in huby's sample and then told them I was there. They called us back and it was like opening a door to a whole other place. There were leather chairs and gowns it was like a hospital. She told me to empty my bladder and change into the gown and cap and put the footsies on over my socks then they would start the IV. I changed and came out and got comfy... She brought me a sedative to help calm me down, just place it under your tongue she said well by the time I got it under my tongue it had melted.... then she started the IV and asked if he would be ok to watch and I said sure he is fine with you torturing me its just when you torture him he cannot take. HA HA! She put in the IV and almost immediately lead me into the OR. The room was smaller than I thought but it was ice cold. I was soooo glad i wore socks. I sat up on the bed and then she put my legs in these leg stirrups... it felt really bizarre. I was a little weirded out by it but it was ok.... shortly after a nurse came in and asked me for my name and birthdate and then the Dr and the a few other nurses came in. One of the ladies was from my old clinic was there she was going to be the ultrasound tech for the procedure. He started the IV and told me I needed to remain calm... remain calm.. hahaha here I am on display with a room full of people and my knees are knocking and I am supposed to remain calm.. haha TURN UP THE IV! LOL! He put in the speculum and pinched me and instead of saying OW I just let it go... then i felt the probe go in and alot of pressure and he would say great job Shell we got 2 eggs o another 4 eggs etc.. it was really neat and yet scary as hell. Then he said OK girls push and they were all pushing on my right side i guess to separate the eggs...for easier retrieval. I thought this isn't so bad.. then he went to the other side.. and I barely remember that. It was all over and he said I did a great job. I thought to myself... thank you morphine! I am sure I will feel it later. They were able to retrieve 16 eggs. Then the embryologist came in and said he had some concerns about hubbys sperm. His count was great but the morphology wasnt and he had some concerns. He recommended ICSI a procedure where they would physically insert the sperm into the egg for fertilization he said it would greatly increase the chances. OK well I needed to talk to hubby so I said let me chat with him he is in recovery waiting for me. I got out and I could hardly talk... I was soo nauseous and I felt like I was going to hurl. I just looked at him and he said I heard... How much is it going to cost. 1K they said. OK off he went to pay... I am not sure if it was the drugs or the shock ... but I was going to drop on the floor.. I lay back and tried to remain calm but he had to grab a little blue container for me to be sick in. Poor hubby he has seen me sick so many times. I was sick and couldn't believe how ill i was. The nurse came in and gave me some gravol in the iv and then I asked her to take the IV out once I was feeling better. Once she took it out I was feeling much better and eventually I was even able to get dressed and slowly get up. I was in so much pain I couldn't beleive it. I could hardly stand. I slowly made my way to the door and hubby bought me my suppositories and took me home. I came home and slept for 4 hours. That was yesterday and I am still in a lot of pain but I am able to get up and down easier now and I am going to attempt to return to work tomorrow. The embryologist called today and told us that of the 16, 13 eggs were mature and were fertilized, however only 7 have survived. I am keeping my fingers crossed that they make it and at our transfer on Thursday morning we are able to put in 2 or 3 embryos.
On that note. This Thursday June 28th the day of the embryo transfer is one year ago I gave birth to my twin girls. I am trying to think that this is a positive sign. That my girls are smiling at me from heaven and laughing at the irony. Someone certainly should be!

For more details http://www.ohiorepromed.com/icsi.htm

Well i continued on this month after deciding that this was our last month and pretty much resigning myself to believing that this IUI would be our last but still holding out hope. THen today I went in for the ultrasound and this is what they saw! Now for those reading this and are in my world of fertility you know that there are just too many eggs to continue on the iui route. I have officially switched to IVF. I am scared and nervous and excited all at once. Not sure what to think or how to react.

How do you know when enough is enough?

This month has been a broken hearted mess. The amount of money that I have spent on medications I could have bought a NEW CAR! I have cried so many tears I could have made my own moat around my house. I am so tired of being let down, I am so sorry that I am such a failure. It is impossible to go down thie same road time and time again and expect different results.. is that not the very definition of insanity... to do the same thing 100 times and expect different results. Am I insane? My family seems to think so. Month after month of dissapointments and heartbreak my husband is ready to leave me he just cannot take any more. And for me I would never quit.. never!! I cannot accept that my birth of those girls last year is the only birth experience i will ever have. I cannot accept that the only baby I will ever have are ashes in pink boxes in the empty nursery filled with baby clothes and baby toys that will never be used. I am so lost, lost in my heartache and heartbreak. Tomorrow I turn 31, at 31 I expected to have had my children by now. Here I am 6 years later still with empty arms and still with a hole where my heart should be. I miss my baby girls... I miss them every second of every minute of every day. My beloved Grace died a year ago on my birthday... it breaks my heart to know that she has been gone from my life for a year and it feels like it was yesterday.. I still remember feeling them move around inside me, I remember talking to them. Telling them mommy would stay strong for them and that she would never leave them alone or hurt them. They died inside of me after being strong for 5 months.... I held them and told them I loved them. My desire for children is so much stronger than the fear I have of pain and suffering. All I do is suffer and cry and hurt. I am in so much pain from all the injections (3 months back to back), my ovaries ache and my stomach hurts. I have put on so much weight and suffered through so many painful procedures and tests. All I want to do is have a baby.. should it be so difficult? Should I really have to spend thousands of dollars and have to inject hormones daily? NO! This is utterly ridiculous and I am sick and tired of it! How do I know when enough is enough?? When the pain takes over the sanity and causes me to realize that I will go into debt and probably lose my husband... that is when! So with that... this is our last month. We are out of money, out of time and out of hope! Never out of love and will always crave what I cannot have. A baby of my own.

Tears and Pain -one year later.....

I have finally reached that moment... the moment I have dreaded... the one year anniversaries of all things baby. A year ago yesterday we had our first appt at the High risk clinic with Dr Smith. He was so tender and caring and NOTHING like I pictured him... he actually seemed to care about us. He couldn't find the membrane between the babies and got us an emergency appt at Mt Sinai for May 31st. May 31st was the day when my dreams died and my hopes were crushed. A day I will never forget as they told us we were teh worst case scenario and suggested we abort our babies. The day when they took away our happiness and replaced it will sadness and fear. OK I know realize they were right but that doesn't take the pain away it still hurts.... it hurts to know that right now I should have 2 girls flourishing and crawling, maybe already saying mommy. I long for those moments... I still wake up in a sweat (just not as often) thinking that it was all a horrible nightmare and a mistake. But when I rush to the nursery there sit those precious tiny girls in bronze boxes painted pink... I did reach a good milestone recently though. I allowed someone to see the nursery (well the room anyways) I wasn't ready for anyone to go in but what a huge step to take to actually open the door and have someone beside me. It was a little bit freeing to allow someone in to just experience my pain if even for just a moment... to feel the love that fills that room, the heartache and heartbreak knowing that the room was for those girls, the toys and clothes and diapers in there were all for them. My only hope now is that they understand that I will hopefully have a baby oneday and those toys and clothes and diapers will be used by their brother or sister. There were some very special things that belonged to them and I put them in their casket with them so they could have them with them for eternity... but thing like baby bouncers were just too big. So they will pass them down.. hey hand me downs aren't that bad are they!? I hope that I will make a great mom and that Grace and Anna will watch me from heaven and smile knowing that they may have missed out on it here on earth but that my motherly love for them is eternal no matter where they are. I believe I will hold them again in heaven one day. I know that they know what happened wasn't their fault and that they were wanted soo much but even our love for them wasn't stong enough. I hope that they felt no pain and that it was quick and they just fell asleep silently. I believe when I held them that their souls were still there and that they could feel our love for them and that they knew how heartbroken we were that they had to leave us so soon. Our lives will never be the same. The loss of a child ( or children) at any point does soemthing to you. It makes you hard it breaks you down and makes you doubt everything you always believed.. it makes you hate the cold cruel world and it makes you want to scream and crry and never leave home again. It took me a long time to accept they were really gone and that I didn't know Grace was gone... until that ultrasound day. I felt like such a failure as a mom. Eventually I was able to move on with my life.. slowly building my future and looking forward not backward.. it was a hard lesson to learn and in my life all my lessons seem to be hard... It took some convincing but I finally got hubby to agree to try again.. and it gave me something to look forward to something to hold on to. I needed that. I looked forward to my appointments and my daily injections as strange as that may seem it is the path I must take to conceive. I accept that and I look forward to the day I hold a baby in my arms and I hear the cry, or feel the fingers move. Strange I realize but its what I get up for every day and its why I continue to breathe in and out every day. I may have lost my faith but I will never lose my hope. The day I lose my hope is the day I die outside and match my insides.

The 45 Minute IUI

This month has been a very difficult month. Not only because almost a year ago our lives changed forever.. But because this has been my first (and last I hope) back to back month of injections. It is soo exhausting emotionally and physically my stomach just aches as if to beg please not another needle... PLEASE.. Of course this cycle was also extremely long... I just used up the last of the HMG the night before trigger so that was a good thing. My follicles grew very slowly this month they dropped my medication so as to not overstimulate me but it also caused only 2 follies to mature and slowly at that. My Estrogen played games where it plateaued and it looked like I was going to be cancelled... Then they increased the dosage for a couple days and it doubled (which is good) and the follies finally grew to perfect size. They finally triggeered me on the 19th....that would be cd19 for those of you following along... Like I said LOOOOONG Cycle! I was anxious but excited about the inseminations... The timing was nice because it was on a long weekend and we didn't have to miss any work or carpool etc. First IUI went like clockwork, in and out great count (33 Million-YAY hubby!) So I had no reason to think that the second one would not go as smoothly. I went in and dropped off the sample picked up my mom (for support) and waited.. They called me in and I sat there and I was nervous but excited. I have been through this too many times now so I knew what to expect... Or so I thought!!! The count was 27 Million - Again YAY HUBBY!!! The Dr was chatting away and we were joking around and I noticed he was poking a lot but nothing was happening... (catheter being inserted into cervix and ultimately uterus) Weird I thought! After several attempts and apologies he said your cervix is tricky and its tilted I have to straighten it. (using a tenaculum) OK I have had this before... I can handle this. BUT wow he clamped on and the pain just surges through your cervix and uterus. I cannot explain it but it is beyond and OW and is very unexpected. Well this lasted for what felt like an eternity but was really only about 45 minutes total... I was bleeding a lot because of the constant clamping with these tools (apparently the first one didn’t work so he had to use another tool) which made things worse... Finally when I was about to ask for a break... My legs in the stirrups were like JELLO... He finally says ok I am in! DONE and then was kind enough to swab the cervix of the blood and mentioned I might spot for a while but it was ok. OK yup its ok.. Now that you are done!!! I went home and slept for a couple hours since I was so crampy and achy and even the next day I was still in pain. Cramps and spotting. I have everything crossed that this is our month. NO more nonsense..... I am getting so dam tired of all this. Last time it worked on our second round of IUIs. This is our third!!!! OK enough complaining I am sorry I am just moody and hormonal (thanks to the progesterone - 2 twice a day- up the wahoo another joyful experience!!)

The cycle that never ends!

CD 19 and I FINALLY got triggered. Who knew that 2 follicles could take so long to grow. It's been such an emotional rollercoaster this month. Maybe its back to back cycles or maybe its soo many hormones emotions run high or maybe its cause the drugs ran out this month and I am not sure i can afford another cycle but i am exhausted.. EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSCIALLY! Each time i have to prick myself with another injection I cringe, I take a deep breath and I plunge it in. My stomach aches... it just aches I am so tired... and I am hoping against hope that this is it. Hard to believe it was almost a year ago that I had the appt at Mt Sinai and my world flipped outside down. I hope that these 2 eggs work and that his count is great. This will be Tiffany's month I have already accepted that... but will it also be mine? i hope so. That would be so great a week apart. I want to scream and cry and yell out loud its my turn now dammit. This will be a LONG 2 weeks. I will check back in later

Mothers Day

Today is mothers day. Its not just a day to celebrate my mom and hubby's mom but its a sad day for me. Its a day that should be filled with smiles and laughter watching my girls learn to crawl and do all htose things little babies do. I remember last year on mother's day I was happy I loved knowing that I would be a mother soon and that next year I would have 2 little gifts that would help me celebrate this day. Instead I woke up this morning thinking how things could be different, things should be different!!! Here we are almost a year later and I am still without a child, without babies to hold, I am still wishing and hoping that our turn will come but sadly.... all I get is dissapointment and tears. I hope that next year's mothers day we have something to celebrate. I hope that we have what we yearn for...what we desire.... Its not that I want to replace my little girls because nothing and noone ever can or will... its just that they caused me to feel love, a love I never knew I was missing.. I feel like I had something taken away before I ever got to really enjoy or appreciate it. I need it, I desire it... I long for it!!!!!!!! So this morhters day for me is bittersweet.

Another Broken Promise!!

Every time I go back to the clinic for a day 3 ultrasound I feel like I wipe the slate clean to try again. I wash away the hurt and the pain and the suffering that may have been caused by the last dissapointment. I think about how last time it worked on the second try and its just a matter of time for us. I prepare myself for the injections and the hundreds (well it certainly feels like hundreds!!) of appointments. I think about the time and money I spend on chasing the elusive dream of becoming a mommy. I cry alot between when I get the BFN and my next day 3. Its a sadness that I never had before....before I knew what I was missing. Before I knew the joys of feeling a miracle (or 2) grow inside you and move inside you. Before our world came crashing down and we learned the true meaning of pain and sadness. I miss my girls every second of every day.... I want to show them that I can be a good mommy and I will suffer through hell and back to get it if that is what it takes! Each month I make a promise to myself. I promise myself no matter what I will not get my hopes up, I will not have my heart broken all over again. And each month I break that promise to myself. It starts simple, tender boobs or nausea one day. Then you start to think.. hmm maybe this means something... then as each day passes other strange things happen to your body and before you know it you are adamant that this is it! I am pregnant and now I just have to wait for that beta to tell me what I already know.... and then you go for that bloodtest and the results come back in the voice of a chinese girl... Your test came back negative see you on day 3! You want to jump out the window... you want to scream and cry and yell... just hit something, anything anyone just to stop the tears from flowing as you realize you did it again. You broke that promise. Your got your heart broken! Next time will be different..... But really will it?? I doubt it at this point. So I go off the prometrium now and I wait for AF to come to go for my day 3 ultrasound when I will be told that I have numerous cysts and must wait a cycle. SO Now I wait till JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That seems so far away!

1 Year ago...Easter meant something different

It was a year ago that we found out the girls were twins and we gave the family framed pictures of the sonogram for Easter. It is unbelievable that it has been a year already. I year ago we were over the moon excited about the prospect of having babies and here we are a year later and we are back trying to have a baby. So far this cycle i have 15 follicles on the left side and 15 on the right... but only 1 egg that is big enough to count..so far... It only takes one! All the injections and the swelling in the ovaries will all be worth it. I ache and I swell, i become a raving lunatic all in search for a baby, and even after everything we have been through I still say it is worth it. Totally Worth IT!
Men have no idea what it islike to be poked and prodded, and examined and have to self inject daily. It isn't on my top 10 things of what I like to do yet I continue to do it... and I will until I am successful. I hope that this our month. I need it to be our month, I am tired and I am sore and tender. O how I long to hold my own child in my arms, to hear the sounds of my tiny newborn baby, to look into Roy's eyes and see the happiness and conentment that only a father can have and display. I am not drinking alcohol, no caffeine. I am eating salds for dinner I am trying really hard to be a good body, give it something healthy to grow in. I cannot believe that I am back at this point....the point where I get up in the morning and I have something to look forward to, a goal that I am working to achieve. It makes the month go by fast and it helps me to focus on the task at hand. Next weekend should be the insemination and then the dreaded 2ww I really don't find the 2ww so hard because again the wait is a great thing..... the moments before we find out if we are going to be parents.... Soon enough....but not soon enough for me!
I will update again soon... Time to head over to the in-laws for dinner.

The writing on the wall

When I got the news and learned about the realities of what a momo pregnancy was I could see the writing on the wall but I chose to ignore it. I believed that God was looking out for me and that he would protect me and not let any harm come to me or my babies but here I am 9 months later and I see the writing clear now. This time I know better than to think things will be fine instead I choose not to ignore it! My cat is sick, he is old and I have had him close to 13 years now.... I have noticed that he has become slower, he doesnt eat, he only sleeps and his whiskers are falling out. I think that it is time now to prepare to lose my friend... he has helped me get through so many hard times and he is always there to cuddle with me.... He helped me last summer... he is my sweet big fat pussycat and I am not ready to lose him..... Do I take him to a vet and spend a fortune to only put off the inevitable or do I let him go peacefully naturally? The second that he suffers I will make that decision. I wonder why things happen, I question why constantly and I never get a response. Why can a 13 year old have a baby or a woman have 8 at once while I cannot even maintain a pregnancy of 2!? Why must we suffer through all this pain and suffering before anything good can happen? WHY WHY WHY? I realize that is a very trivial thing to ask but there is never any answers. When I learned that I was carrying twins that was the most incredible time of my life, I never knew that I could feel such joy... we looked forward to our lives with them, we planned for them, I felt them move and we grew to love them. For that and only for that I am greatful, I learned what love is and I learned that I cannot live my life without that having that feeling again. There is not one second of one minute of one hour of each day that I don't think of them or miss them. I have so many regrets things I wish that I could have done differently. Lately I have been remembering and reliving the birth and thinking of how precious each moment I spent with them was. I cannot believe its been 9 months. Ironic isn't it? I am about to start on this new chapter. I will be taking the HMG and go through the IUI etc all over again....if only af would come! So for now I wait.....and wait! Hopefully this Provera will work soon.

A little bit pregnant?

February 18th

Just got home from the clinic to discover that althought I had a negative beta that it was a positive negative test. Basically it was a chemical pregnancy.... Well I can think of many things that caused it to fail but ultimately I have to look at the fact that I was a "little bit pregnant" and that is a good sign right? Well the other bad news is that I have cysts so they cancelled this cycle. It could be a blessing in disguise except right now I dont look at it that way... I look at it like yet another failure and another month with a cancelled cycle. WHICH SUCKS! I was kind of hoping that this month would be my "your only fertile once a year" month.... I am a little bit emotional so I suppose its a good thing that its cancelled and althought it is cancelled its better to not spend all the money on that cycle for it to fail anyways or get cancelled at the end of the cycle... which sucks even more. I am just going to take it as a sign that its just not meant to be for now. I HATE BREAKS but what can I do? I will have the drugs by the time my next cycle starts so thats a positive... pretty much the only positive right now... but it will do! Anyways I thought i would just update my blog..................................... since I am a little down today.

Failure is a part of my life, I should be used to it now
But every time I fail again I muster the strength again somehow
My need for a child is stronger than the fear of yet another loss
I will keep going and trying I don't really care about the cost
One day it will happen to me I am sure about this thats true
And so I will endure the pain and the sorrow and all the sacrifices too
For one day I will hold a crying baby and share with it all of my love
I know I was put here on this earth to be a mom it will fit me like a glove
Until that moment is upon us, I will have hope and faith you will see
I won't give up I will fight and struggle, with all that is inside me

Shellie-Marie Kelly

Feb 14

I had my beta and it came back negative and at that very moment I felt my heart break all over again. My feelings were so crushed and I just feel like I lost my girls all over again. I am so devestated and I never thought I would be that dissapointed. I tried so hard not to get my hopes up to put all my eggs in one basket literally. All I want to do is crawl back under the rock I came from back in August last year. I feel so empty and so alone. I wanted so badly for it to work and I just don't want to feel this empty anymore. All I do is have nightmares and cry, I can't concentrate on anything but how much I miss my girls. I have so much hurt and so much pain. I tried so hard to push all the pain down and move on, move forward, smile and learn to love again. There is nothing I want more in this world than to feel a baby inside me again. I loved feeling my girls move around and watch my belly grow. I long for those moments again. February 14th last year was my LMP. From now on I start to have the one year anniversaries and I was hoping to go through them with something to look forward to...someone.... but of course those hopes were dashed. You would think I am used to being rejected and failing and beind disapointed but really I am not, i hure just as much today as I did a year ago. I am in the same place today that I was a year ago. Broken, damaged and lost. This time I am empty on top of it all. I may try again next month but the cost will be out of pocket so that will take some convincing for my hubby and frankly need to convince myself. Why do we continue to put ourselves through this torture? I wonder that often... I never really knew love until the day I found out I was pregnant. My girls showed me what was real love.... I was never given the opportunity to show them how much I loved them. I never got to hold them and tell them when they could hear me. Those poor precious babies died not knowing how much love I have to give them, how much I needed them.

I have a closet full of clothes my little babies will never wear
I have bouncers in their bedroom not them inside, instead a teddy bear!
The day I found out that they were gone, we were going to pick up their cribs
Instead I left there broken and empty and cremated them with toys and bibs
Those girls took so many things from me things I never knew I had
They broke my heart and left me empty now I am all resentful and sad
Instead of visiting my babies sleeping calmly in their bed
They sit there in their nursery in small cold pink boxes instead
Will I ever be a mommy one which I have so longed to be
Or am I destined to be an angel mommy only to Anna and to Gracie?

Here We Grow Again?

I know its been a long LONG time since I posted on here but its taken me a long time to get over losing my daughters and learning to grieve and be able to move on. We decided to start trying again late last year and the clinic we were at upset me with the runaround and non personal attention... after all I had been through I expected an explanation as to why they were refusing to start my cycle... not just being hung up on rudely and being told to get over it. SO I contacted my family doctor and he referred me to the same clinic my sister has been at. I went and met the doctor and was truly amazed at how personable he was he honestly felt for me and was regretful for all that happened. He asked me to do one investigative cycle and then we could start on the meds again. He decided that he was going to put me on Puregon and since I had leftover Gonal-f from when I was TTC at the end of the year when they cancelled me. He said not a problem and so in January we began again. It was really emotional and hard to get back on the injections. I totally forgot about how emotional and crazy things can get. My body responded so well to the medication I had 12 TWELVE mature eggs. They called me into the office and told me I had 3 choices. I could cancel my cycle, I could switch to IVF or I could have a procedure done where they would remove some of the eggs so as to reduce the chances of multiples. I wanted to switch to IVF but the extra 3k was alot of money so I opted for the painful procedure instead. I was nervous and very frightened but instead I welcomed it with open arms. It could be the answer to my prayers.... I went in a few days before the procedure and Iwas told that the procedure wasn't neccessary anymore... only 6 eggs were at the point where they might be fertilized so they were willing to go ahead with the IUI. I got the HCG injection and the next day I did the IUI. The incredible thing was that his count was 50 million and motility was 93% it was great. The IUI was quick and painless and I went by myself. I wanted to cry after... I felt so alone and so emotional I wanted to be sick. It was hard to realize the last time I did that these 2 precious little girls came into my life. Now a year later I am back at the same point all over again. The next day we did it all over again except this time my sister and my niece came with me. What an experience... a 2 year old and my sister in the room when I am being inseminated. How funny is that!? Of course Carmela was a little freaked out at first but after it was done and the nurse stood there and chatted with us for 10 minutes she loosened up and decided to go to the end of the bed to take a peek at auntie's hoo hoo! She is so ardorable... anyone else would have got a smack. I started the progesterone suppositories that night and then the waiting began. I guess cause I have 6 eggs potentially popping that explains the horriblt pains I had all weekend. I just keep thinking to myself this is all a good sign. Its for a reason. This time will be different. I broke out in hives on Saturday so I have now decreased the progesterone to once a day to see if they go away. I mean I know I am not allergic to peanuts so what could it be? In the middle of all this we got home on Wednesday night to discover that our ceiling in the living room was leaking and had to pull down the ceiling to relieve the pressure... after 3 days of drippin it finally stopped leaking and the insurance copany sent someone out today to look at it and provide an estimate. Its been an exciting couple of days and it will be an even longer 2 week wait. February 16th is my test date.... soI am really keeping my fingers crossed that this is it. I hate to put all my eggs in one basket but after this month its all out of pocket.... Looking forward to updating you once I have test results.