Thursday, June 14, 2007

How do you know when enough is enough?

This month has been a broken hearted mess. The amount of money that I have spent on medications I could have bought a NEW CAR! I have cried so many tears I could have made my own moat around my house. I am so tired of being let down, I am so sorry that I am such a failure. It is impossible to go down thie same road time and time again and expect different results.. is that not the very definition of insanity... to do the same thing 100 times and expect different results. Am I insane? My family seems to think so. Month after month of dissapointments and heartbreak my husband is ready to leave me he just cannot take any more. And for me I would never quit.. never!! I cannot accept that my birth of those girls last year is the only birth experience i will ever have. I cannot accept that the only baby I will ever have are ashes in pink boxes in the empty nursery filled with baby clothes and baby toys that will never be used. I am so lost, lost in my heartache and heartbreak. Tomorrow I turn 31, at 31 I expected to have had my children by now. Here I am 6 years later still with empty arms and still with a hole where my heart should be. I miss my baby girls... I miss them every second of every minute of every day. My beloved Grace died a year ago on my birthday... it breaks my heart to know that she has been gone from my life for a year and it feels like it was yesterday.. I still remember feeling them move around inside me, I remember talking to them. Telling them mommy would stay strong for them and that she would never leave them alone or hurt them. They died inside of me after being strong for 5 months.... I held them and told them I loved them. My desire for children is so much stronger than the fear I have of pain and suffering. All I do is suffer and cry and hurt. I am in so much pain from all the injections (3 months back to back), my ovaries ache and my stomach hurts. I have put on so much weight and suffered through so many painful procedures and tests. All I want to do is have a baby.. should it be so difficult? Should I really have to spend thousands of dollars and have to inject hormones daily? NO! This is utterly ridiculous and I am sick and tired of it! How do I know when enough is enough?? When the pain takes over the sanity and causes me to realize that I will go into debt and probably lose my husband... that is when! So with that... this is our last month. We are out of money, out of time and out of hope! Never out of love and will always crave what I cannot have. A baby of my own.

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Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie
Always on our minds, Forever in our hearts (June 28, 2006)