Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Tears and Pain -one year later.....

I have finally reached that moment... the moment I have dreaded... the one year anniversaries of all things baby. A year ago yesterday we had our first appt at the High risk clinic with Dr Smith. He was so tender and caring and NOTHING like I pictured him... he actually seemed to care about us. He couldn't find the membrane between the babies and got us an emergency appt at Mt Sinai for May 31st. May 31st was the day when my dreams died and my hopes were crushed. A day I will never forget as they told us we were teh worst case scenario and suggested we abort our babies. The day when they took away our happiness and replaced it will sadness and fear. OK I know realize they were right but that doesn't take the pain away it still hurts.... it hurts to know that right now I should have 2 girls flourishing and crawling, maybe already saying mommy. I long for those moments... I still wake up in a sweat (just not as often) thinking that it was all a horrible nightmare and a mistake. But when I rush to the nursery there sit those precious tiny girls in bronze boxes painted pink... I did reach a good milestone recently though. I allowed someone to see the nursery (well the room anyways) I wasn't ready for anyone to go in but what a huge step to take to actually open the door and have someone beside me. It was a little bit freeing to allow someone in to just experience my pain if even for just a moment... to feel the love that fills that room, the heartache and heartbreak knowing that the room was for those girls, the toys and clothes and diapers in there were all for them. My only hope now is that they understand that I will hopefully have a baby oneday and those toys and clothes and diapers will be used by their brother or sister. There were some very special things that belonged to them and I put them in their casket with them so they could have them with them for eternity... but thing like baby bouncers were just too big. So they will pass them down.. hey hand me downs aren't that bad are they!? I hope that I will make a great mom and that Grace and Anna will watch me from heaven and smile knowing that they may have missed out on it here on earth but that my motherly love for them is eternal no matter where they are. I believe I will hold them again in heaven one day. I know that they know what happened wasn't their fault and that they were wanted soo much but even our love for them wasn't stong enough. I hope that they felt no pain and that it was quick and they just fell asleep silently. I believe when I held them that their souls were still there and that they could feel our love for them and that they knew how heartbroken we were that they had to leave us so soon. Our lives will never be the same. The loss of a child ( or children) at any point does soemthing to you. It makes you hard it breaks you down and makes you doubt everything you always believed.. it makes you hate the cold cruel world and it makes you want to scream and crry and never leave home again. It took me a long time to accept they were really gone and that I didn't know Grace was gone... until that ultrasound day. I felt like such a failure as a mom. Eventually I was able to move on with my life.. slowly building my future and looking forward not backward.. it was a hard lesson to learn and in my life all my lessons seem to be hard... It took some convincing but I finally got hubby to agree to try again.. and it gave me something to look forward to something to hold on to. I needed that. I looked forward to my appointments and my daily injections as strange as that may seem it is the path I must take to conceive. I accept that and I look forward to the day I hold a baby in my arms and I hear the cry, or feel the fingers move. Strange I realize but its what I get up for every day and its why I continue to breathe in and out every day. I may have lost my faith but I will never lose my hope. The day I lose my hope is the day I die outside and match my insides.

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Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie
Always on our minds, Forever in our hearts (June 28, 2006)