Monday, March 26, 2007
The writing on the wall
When I got the news and learned about the realities of what a momo pregnancy was I could see the writing on the wall but I chose to ignore it. I believed that God was looking out for me and that he would protect me and not let any harm come to me or my babies but here I am 9 months later and I see the writing clear now. This time I know better than to think things will be fine instead I choose not to ignore it! My cat is sick, he is old and I have had him close to 13 years now.... I have noticed that he has become slower, he doesnt eat, he only sleeps and his whiskers are falling out. I think that it is time now to prepare to lose my friend... he has helped me get through so many hard times and he is always there to cuddle with me.... He helped me last summer... he is my sweet big fat pussycat and I am not ready to lose him..... Do I take him to a vet and spend a fortune to only put off the inevitable or do I let him go peacefully naturally? The second that he suffers I will make that decision. I wonder why things happen, I question why constantly and I never get a response. Why can a 13 year old have a baby or a woman have 8 at once while I cannot even maintain a pregnancy of 2!? Why must we suffer through all this pain and suffering before anything good can happen? WHY WHY WHY? I realize that is a very trivial thing to ask but there is never any answers. When I learned that I was carrying twins that was the most incredible time of my life, I never knew that I could feel such joy... we looked forward to our lives with them, we planned for them, I felt them move and we grew to love them. For that and only for that I am greatful, I learned what love is and I learned that I cannot live my life without that having that feeling again. There is not one second of one minute of one hour of each day that I don't think of them or miss them. I have so many regrets things I wish that I could have done differently. Lately I have been remembering and reliving the birth and thinking of how precious each moment I spent with them was. I cannot believe its been 9 months. Ironic isn't it? I am about to start on this new chapter. I will be taking the HMG and go through the IUI etc all over again....if only af would come! So for now I wait.....and wait! Hopefully this Provera will work soon.