A little bit pregnant?

February 18th

Just got home from the clinic to discover that althought I had a negative beta that it was a positive negative test. Basically it was a chemical pregnancy.... Well I can think of many things that caused it to fail but ultimately I have to look at the fact that I was a "little bit pregnant" and that is a good sign right? Well the other bad news is that I have cysts so they cancelled this cycle. It could be a blessing in disguise except right now I dont look at it that way... I look at it like yet another failure and another month with a cancelled cycle. WHICH SUCKS! I was kind of hoping that this month would be my "your only fertile once a year" month.... I am a little bit emotional so I suppose its a good thing that its cancelled and althought it is cancelled its better to not spend all the money on that cycle for it to fail anyways or get cancelled at the end of the cycle... which sucks even more. I am just going to take it as a sign that its just not meant to be for now. I HATE BREAKS but what can I do? I will have the drugs by the time my next cycle starts so thats a positive... pretty much the only positive right now... but it will do! Anyways I thought i would just update my blog..................................... since I am a little down today.

Failure is a part of my life, I should be used to it now
But every time I fail again I muster the strength again somehow
My need for a child is stronger than the fear of yet another loss
I will keep going and trying I don't really care about the cost
One day it will happen to me I am sure about this thats true
And so I will endure the pain and the sorrow and all the sacrifices too
For one day I will hold a crying baby and share with it all of my love
I know I was put here on this earth to be a mom it will fit me like a glove
Until that moment is upon us, I will have hope and faith you will see
I won't give up I will fight and struggle, with all that is inside me

Shellie-Marie Kelly