Thursday, February 15, 2007

Feb 14

I had my beta and it came back negative and at that very moment I felt my heart break all over again. My feelings were so crushed and I just feel like I lost my girls all over again. I am so devestated and I never thought I would be that dissapointed. I tried so hard not to get my hopes up to put all my eggs in one basket literally. All I want to do is crawl back under the rock I came from back in August last year. I feel so empty and so alone. I wanted so badly for it to work and I just don't want to feel this empty anymore. All I do is have nightmares and cry, I can't concentrate on anything but how much I miss my girls. I have so much hurt and so much pain. I tried so hard to push all the pain down and move on, move forward, smile and learn to love again. There is nothing I want more in this world than to feel a baby inside me again. I loved feeling my girls move around and watch my belly grow. I long for those moments again. February 14th last year was my LMP. From now on I start to have the one year anniversaries and I was hoping to go through them with something to look forward to...someone.... but of course those hopes were dashed. You would think I am used to being rejected and failing and beind disapointed but really I am not, i hure just as much today as I did a year ago. I am in the same place today that I was a year ago. Broken, damaged and lost. This time I am empty on top of it all. I may try again next month but the cost will be out of pocket so that will take some convincing for my hubby and frankly need to convince myself. Why do we continue to put ourselves through this torture? I wonder that often... I never really knew love until the day I found out I was pregnant. My girls showed me what was real love.... I was never given the opportunity to show them how much I loved them. I never got to hold them and tell them when they could hear me. Those poor precious babies died not knowing how much love I have to give them, how much I needed them.

I have a closet full of clothes my little babies will never wear
I have bouncers in their bedroom not them inside, instead a teddy bear!
The day I found out that they were gone, we were going to pick up their cribs
Instead I left there broken and empty and cremated them with toys and bibs
Those girls took so many things from me things I never knew I had
They broke my heart and left me empty now I am all resentful and sad
Instead of visiting my babies sleeping calmly in their bed
They sit there in their nursery in small cold pink boxes instead
Will I ever be a mommy one which I have so longed to be
Or am I destined to be an angel mommy only to Anna and to Gracie?

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Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie
Always on our minds, Forever in our hearts (June 28, 2006)