Monday, April 30, 2007
Another Broken Promise!!
Every time I go back to the clinic for a day 3 ultrasound I feel like I wipe the slate clean to try again. I wash away the hurt and the pain and the suffering that may have been caused by the last dissapointment. I think about how last time it worked on the second try and its just a matter of time for us. I prepare myself for the injections and the hundreds (well it certainly feels like hundreds!!) of appointments. I think about the time and money I spend on chasing the elusive dream of becoming a mommy. I cry alot between when I get the BFN and my next day 3. Its a sadness that I never had before....before I knew what I was missing. Before I knew the joys of feeling a miracle (or 2) grow inside you and move inside you. Before our world came crashing down and we learned the true meaning of pain and sadness. I miss my girls every second of every day.... I want to show them that I can be a good mommy and I will suffer through hell and back to get it if that is what it takes! Each month I make a promise to myself. I promise myself no matter what I will not get my hopes up, I will not have my heart broken all over again. And each month I break that promise to myself. It starts simple, tender boobs or nausea one day. Then you start to think.. hmm maybe this means something... then as each day passes other strange things happen to your body and before you know it you are adamant that this is it! I am pregnant and now I just have to wait for that beta to tell me what I already know.... and then you go for that bloodtest and the results come back in the voice of a chinese girl... Your test came back negative see you on day 3! You want to jump out the window... you want to scream and cry and yell... just hit something, anything anyone just to stop the tears from flowing as you realize you did it again. You broke that promise. Your got your heart broken! Next time will be different..... But really will it?? I doubt it at this point. So I go off the prometrium now and I wait for AF to come to go for my day 3 ultrasound when I will be told that I have numerous cysts and must wait a cycle. SO Now I wait till JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That seems so far away!