Sunday, October 14, 2007

Does the Pain ever go away??

When I lost my daughters I could never imagine a worse pain. The emptiness, the anger, the longing for my babies, waking up each day belieiving it was all a nightmare and they were there fast asleep in their cribs in the nursery. I was finally able to move on, I was ready to try again and this time would be different this time we would be successful. I really believed that. N o matter what I thought there was no way that life could be that cruel to me. But I was wrong wasn't I? Life can be that cruel in fact this time in many ways it was just a tease. Can you imagine believing you are pregnant only to go in and find out that it is just an empty sac? That once again you find yourself on the wrrong side of the odds. Except this time I cannot seem to come back. I am just so sad all the time and i have lost my will to do anything. I don't have the will to live anymore... its just not there. I want to scream and I want to cry and break things and make myself feel better and yet I don't think that anything will make me feel better. Even my husband has lost faith.... lost faith in me and faith in the fact that we will ever have children. What a sad dissapointing life and marriage this has turned out to be. Now he barely talks to me and when he does its just to call me barren and tell me there is no point to life if we cannot have children of our own. Makes me feel even worse considering I feel the same way. We have discovered that the problem is my eggs. My eggs are of poor quality and this is why our last IVF didnt go as well as expected. So once again I am a failure and everything is all my fault. What a totally shitty life! I give up!!!

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Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie
Always on our minds, Forever in our hearts (June 28, 2006)