Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Like getting a wrapped Christmas gift - a box full of air! :(

OK I haven't updated because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. For that I am sorry. First of all my third pregnancy test came back 140.3 the numbers were doubling I couldn't believe it... I wasn't willing to admit it. Neither was my hubby... It was soo exciting and I was happy.. this was it it felt weird but I again I let myself get my hopes up. What a funny thing.. to consistently promise yourself you won't get your hopes up and then to be cautiously optomisitc to the point where positivity and smiles started seeping in. Eventually as weeks went by my tummy started to grow.. no not enough that anyone else would notice... but we did. My boobs got fuller and I started having the growls... which for me is my biggest pregnancy symptom.. suddenly I am hungry... I started reminicing about last time and remembering how I let those moments go by without truly appreciating them... this time woudl be different.. this time I would appreciate every single second of each moment. Eventually hubby and I started to talk about our future and making plans, we smiled and we were happy.. genuinely happy. It just feels like forever since we were that happy. He would curl up with me at night and cuddle into me and put his hands on my belly... I loved the thought of it. I had him convinced that this time it was a boy and I didn't want to know what it was until it was born.. yes we really needed something to hold on to and it felt so good to have that. We needed that so badly.. I don't think we really knew how much we needed it until we had it. Then 3 days before my 7 week ultrasound I saw pink on the t.p. I freaked out and had a total panic attack. Suddenly my happiness was crushed and I just saw it... this wasn't going to end well... AGAIN just like last year I had that feeling.. I call it wannabe mom's intuition. Monday the pink turned to brown spotting and I called the clinic and they put me on total bedrest. I will admit it was alot harder than I expected... getting up only to pee was weird but totally worth it as long as it helped my little Nemo survive.... Wednesday came and I went in for my ultrasound.. now a 7 week ultrasound is supposed to be an exciting time but I knew something was wrong and AGAIN noone listened to me. I took my sister with me because I needed someone who has been through it and someone who will be there for me and hold my hand. She was there when the embryo was transferred she should be there to see it for the first time. There was a gestational sac so technically yes I am pregnant... then I went pee and they inserted the wand... and then I could sense the tension... something was wrong.. I just lay there and stared at the ceiling and hoped I was wrong... I closed my eyes and thought of the last time I saw my daughters on the ultrasound screeen.. these beautiful baby girls curled into each other with no beating heart... I remembered how I cried and how hubby cried while they sat there and took measurements for 10 minutes... and how the look on the doctor's face broke my heart. She showed me the sac and said its just too early to see a yolk sac or fetal pole but the dr will discuss it with you further. As soon as I got to the waiting room I looked at my sister and I said now do you believe me? Its an empty sac... there is no baby. She still wasn't willing to admit it. Finally we met with the dr and he told me what I feared. There is no baby... If you don't miscarry soon then you will have to abort it. I have another u/s scheduled for 1:30 next Wednesday to see if everything is gone or what stage we are at. He told me that he was very sorry but unfortunately although I am measuring 6 weeks 5 days the sac is just too small and its not a viable pregnancy. I absoloutely cannot believe I am going through another loss. Five months or 7 weeks it still rips out your heart and breaks you in two. After all the pain and suffering and IVF/ICSI nightmare I am about to have a very painful miscarriage.... and if it all doesnt come out on its own.. I will need a D&C. I want to scream I want to cry I want to break stuff but mostly I just long for my daughters. Maybe its wrong of me to think like that.. and maybe it makes no sense but I hurt so badly....I loved all my babies... but I just don't know if I will ever get over losing my daughters. There really isn't a second of a minute of any day that I don't miss them.... but this has just brought my emotions back my feelings of failure and I just feel like I am useless. Hubby has been great he just wants to take a break and then we will make some decisions about when to try again and how to try again... I really am lucky to have him... He must be just as broken hearted as I am... maybe not as empty... but he definitely hurts too. Well the cramps are getting soo bad I am having trouble sitting up so I think it is really just a matter of time before everything starts coming out... I will update again soon enough....

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Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie
Always on our minds, Forever in our hearts (June 28, 2006)