Yolk! It isn't just for chicken eggs anymore!

Well today we went for our first ultrasound. I walked in with my full bladder and she did the u/s but I didn't get to see anything... then emptied bladder and went in for trans vaginal ultrasound... It felt like she was in there for hlaf an hour... all these things went racing through my head... something is wrong... there is more than one.... etc...
Finally she said ok I will go get Roy and you can both see it. NOW I had tears stinging my eyes... my first peek at the life we created. Well...... PEEK is the operative word. SHe put in the camera and turned the monitor and there is was a little black & gray yolk sac. It was almsot too exciting to bear... I just wanted to freeze that moment in time. I looked at Roy and he smiled and then that was it. Put on your pants and get dressed and wait for the nurse to talk to you. OKAY I can do this.... so we get in the room and she says well it is measuring less than 6 weeks... I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach... WHAT?? I am 6 weeks 1 day how can that be!? Everything looks fine but its preliminary and we need to make a second OB appt for another u/s and then you will talk to you Dr. APril 13th....1:30pm. WOW! Another look... interesting. I was waiting and hoping for a picture but we didn't get one... nothing to see really anyways so I can accept that. I was a little dissapointed so I came home and thought about it and talked about it with some people online... I am 6weeks 1 day according to LMP but from point of conception probably only around 4 weeks.... So its nothing to worry about...... so far. Again Roy doesn't seem to show any emotion one way or another so I am not sure if he was excited or dissapointed or well there was nothing to see so we will have to wait.... He is an odd little duck and I am carrying his odd little duckling! Now cause there is another appointment we are going to have change our plans and tell our families sooner rather than later. He has decided this weekend. GREAT! This should make for an interesting weekend! :) Then we go out and celebrate!!
I will try to update as often as I can bu really at this point its all about the big moments (u/s, telling family etc) SO I will update again real soon!

Second Beta--NUmbers UP!

Well I went for my second bloodtest today aagain thinking numbers will be down or oops we are sorry we made a mistake but instead....... My number was 470 should have been around 348 so those are good nuumbers. Progesterone was 60.8 also a nice high bnumber..... the nurse who called me was almost as excited as I was!!! I have booked my first ultrasound and it will be next Tuesday @ 2pm. Unbelievable to me that in one week we will see our.... little bug!!

Too much excitement means I get nauseous... again today with the nausea. In the morning ..... growl growl growl and then in the afternoon I didn't feel well.... now tonight hungry again... its a new interesting like!!!!!!!!!

Roy was kind enough to share his cold with me....... so now I am sniffly.... which sucks!

Anyways just thought I would pop in update and leave... lets call it a popdate! HAHA! OK I make myself laugh!

Snug As A Bug In A Rug!

Well on Thursday I discoverd that I am PREGNANT!

It took me until now to update the blog because I still don't beleive it.

I went in @ 7AM for the blood test and the nurse asked me how far along I was and I laughed.. I said O I am only here for a test cause its been 2 weeks but I dont think so... stranger things have happened!

Then 12 o'clock rolled around... and I called ever 5-10 minutes...I knew it was negative... I had totally come to terms with that... BUT then at 1 I got someone on the line and she said to me is this your first test.... like a total idiot I said O no I have had tons b4! DUH! She meant this cycle. I am just so used to hearing.. sorry its neagtive. INSTEAD I heard ok your number is 87 come back on Monday for another test so we can make sure your numbers a re doubling then we will make an appointment for an ultrasound... I said WHAT?? Its positive??? It cannot be... test it again!
She didn't have a great sense of humour... she just said ok repeat on Monday. MONDAY??? How totally Bizarre! When I told Roy he started getting emotional.... both of us are completely in shock! I am not willing to admit it yet but there is a bug all snug in my rug!! OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!? What is totally so shocking is how unprepared I am for this. I couldn't stop shaking for over an hour and on top of that I was so nauseous all day! I mean I am going to be a mommy??? After 5 long years I am getting what we worked so hard for.. and yet I am not sure how to react! I won't believe it until I see it on the ultrasound!

I will update again on Monday! With my new numbers.........hopefully doubled!! ;)

March 2,3 2006 Second IUI

Well Happy Valentines Day! AF ARRIVED!
On day 3 went for my day 3 ultrasound fully anticipating cysts soory we have to cancel this cycle...... BUT instead I got an all clear go ahead and start the Gonal-F! Shocked me I was still in shock 10 days later! Took teh injections every night @ 6pm. BUt ironically my Right side was too tough I couldn't push the needle through.... So I just focused on the left. It was ok.... by around cd15 I was tired of the daily appointments and ultrasounds and bloodwork.... the first couple time I was happy but this month I am tired... I was warned about the difference between pills and injections but I said eh I can handle it. It caught up with me. I started dreading the daily prick of the needle the headaches that I got from them and everything they stood for. Day 16 came and I was rady to get the injection I had 3 eggs only but they are good eggs and they are ripe and ready. Pam the nurse came in and said that there was some concern that I was overstimulating. She gave me an information sheet and now I am freaking out a little bit. The Dr comes in and he says sorry no HCG trigger until we get your bloodwork later today. Can you come back? Sure of course I can. SO I wait on baited breath for their call...which AGAIN doesnt come so I call and call and call over again. Finally I get someone they said I culd have the shot as long as my E2 level didn't go over 6000. My level went to 6090. I begged them to talk to my Dr and so they did and called m back...how soon can you come... I WILL be ther in 15 minutes I hopped in my car and I was there in 20 minutes I got my trigger and came back to work. I am really blessed that I work for a company who allows me to got my appts. I always make up the time so its never a real issue....
Again we go for our first IUI but this time its a Thursday!! Go in and first time get Chinese Dr and Roy's count is 77M WOW see he really is SUPERMAN!! Roy goes back to work I go home and work from home for rest of day.... resting in my trackpants... Go back on Friday and his count is 45.3M I told you SUPERMAN!! Dr G is the Dr and he says wow we don't see that here often... Roy and I both panick...see what?? That high a count he says. WOW well thanks DOCTOR! That makes him feel GREAT! So now we are in the 2WW symptoms.... well everything I experience is due to my friend Progesterone... tender boobs, nausea, backache, cramps, lightheadedness.... I will update next week once I have tested.... Fingers crossed my next posting will be an announcement. ;)

January 27th FIRST IUI

Well this month has just sped forward so fast. Today I had my first IUI ok so at first I was nervous... A LOT nervous had the trigger yesterday and feeling like I am ready now. So we went in (Thank God it was on a weekend I mean how do you explain that to people....) It was so nerver racking and poor Roy he was really feeling the pressure...ok no pun intended....or is there?? WE dropped off the sample at 7:30...there should be a law against a man having to wake up THAT early to produce a sample on a weekend!!!! There were 14 other women having the same procedure at the same day so it was going to be a busy day!! FOR ALL INVOLVED! I went in and gave my name they gave me the key and I unlocked the cubby and placed his sample in and left. Had to return at 10:30... We decided to go for breakfast at Mc D's to help calm our nerves ok so stomach was in knots just thinking about it...We showed up at 10:30 and around 11:45 they called our names go in the room remove bottoms lay on the bed with legs in the dreaded stirrups and wait. Poor Roy has NEVER been in the room with me during an exam before and he didn't know what to do. I feel its important for him to be in the room so I made him come in. OF COURSE it is the West Indian doctor not my specialist... first time and not a Dr I know... great! TMI so those of you with weak stomachs stop reading now.... The dr jacked me open...with that speculum thing and sucked up Superman's boys (45.5M post wash) with a syringe and then he puts in a thin catheter and o but wait.... he cannot seem to find the cervix... he starts poking around in there and I am wincing it just feels really uncomfortable not painful.. Roy says are you hurting her... Love the guy but SHUT UP! The dr says yes it would be great if women had tattoos turn left here etc... ha ha the boys have a laugh and then he announces he is in!! Time for the swimmers to do their work.. Great CM too so thats a great thing. Came back next day to drop off the sample but everyone is waiting outside.... It seems that someone tried to break in to the clinic and broke the lock.... All the IUI poeple are sitting in the cars with their samples tucked between their breasts/legs desperately trying to keep the boys warm.... FINALLY after pretty much everyone walked up to the door and gave it a good shake and pounding it opened... Well you never seen people run into that place so fast...and everyone asking the same question... how will this affect my sample... they are supposed to be at the clinic within an hour of producing it and now its been 2 hours minimum. They assure us everything will be fine come back at regular time and they will do procedure. We come back and the dr is MY DOCTOR!! I was so relieved! The count was 7M which is a little low... but since there was some spillage and we only got into the clinic 2 hours later... we weren't surprised... DR G is wonderful and SOO FAST no sooner am I jacked open but I am done and laying there resting. AWESOME! Come back in 2 weeks if no af and O yes please don't forget to take these little white bullets of progesterone twice a day once in the morning and once in the evening... yes they are suppositories! O THE JOY JUST NEVER ENDS!
So I do it and every twinge, every swelling of the boobs or cramp I am thinking OMG this is it! Could this be it!? Well Tiff cons me into testing earlier than scheduled at home and we see its negative so I knew it was a NO. Still no af by official test date so I go in for pregnancy test..... keeping my fingers crossed I call later that day... no answer, call again no answer......Then the inlaws come over.... well I am carrying around the phone in my pants anxiously waiting the call.... THAT NEVER CAME!
We woke up on Sunday morning and Roy said hey lets call now while we are still in bed... so I called and with both of us listening heard it was negative... He looked so heartbroken.... Its ok there is always next time.

Except I am infamous for having cysts after each treatment so it will be a month or two before I get to attempt it again.

January 12th, 2006 Happy New Year! Here's to a GREAT YEAR!

Well First of all HAPPY NEW YEAR! I knwo this year will be a great one. I have decided that this is the year I become all I can be! OK so I turn 30 this year too and I am feeling old but thats not really the point is it? This is going to be the year I finally get pregnant, I finally learn what all the excitement is about. I just cannot express to you how happy that makes me feel. I look forward to sharing in and experiencing the miracle of childbirth. Today is CD 1 a new month a new beginning. I go for my ultrasound tomorrow and I pray to God everything looks good and I will begin the next round of Gonal-f. Its a strange feeling to be excited af is here and more importantly to look forward to injecting myself and being poked and prodded and pricked etc. I have now come to terms with the fact that it isn't going to happen naturally for us and that is OK. I will have a little assistance from the medicine and then I will be on my own. What an eyeopening experience this has been... it has been full of ups and downs (mostly downs granted) It has been full of joys ans sorrows but at the end of the day and much more importantly it has been filled with experiences.... I have grown to know and understand and yes... even LOVE my body and all its imperfections. I believe that a woman should know her body. She should know what goes on day to day inside her its a wonderful magical thing. I have made a great friend along the way... and I know this is it for her too! You know who you are! I pray at home I pray in the car I pray at work and I even pray at Church that this is our year and together we will go through another journey together! I have learned so many hard lessons in life and this was another example of it for Roy and I. I learned to truly appreciate life and all the things that come in your life... all the people who who are truly blessed and are given the gift of life and don't even realize its a gift. The millions (yes millions) of women in our world that cannot concieve the truly embearassing and the shameful looks and comments that get thrown our way. The ignorance of society as a whole that this is a medical problem and that you are not a woman unless you have a child. Yes there are options available and even adoption but for some women thats not what they want they want to feel it grow and kick and experience the joyful pain of childbirth and experience the miracle. That is not selfish it is something that we feel deep in our soul. The tough decisions you have to make along the way that teach us that things aren't always as we want them. God has a plan I do beleive that.... and everytime I have another dissapointment or setback I rememeber that. I beleive his plan was that I go through these motions and that I learn what I have learned as they will make me a better person in the end and ultimately a much better mom!

December 9th, 2005 Merry Christmas To me???

I have been on HOLD for 2 months because of the cysts and then I waited for af to come... watching my temperature was funny....it just kept rising then stayed up for such a long time... day 28 passed, 38 passed..I took a test negative of course! So Murphys Law states that tomorrow it will come right?? WRONG! WRRONG! Finally cd45 I decided I should make the trip to the clinic. So I go at 7am for my blood test..... results will be in at 11am. 11AM!!?? COOL 4 hours thats it! So 11am rolls around I get off my conference call and even though I didn't believe that I was it was still an exciting nerve racking time. No answer at the nurses station! WHAT?? NO ANSWERR!! OK I will leave a message.... 11:15 I call again, 11:25 I call again.... where the hell are these nurses?? DOn't they know I am going crazy losing my mind?? I called every 10-15 minutes until 12:30......Finally I got in touch with the nurse and she gets the dr involved and they decided that since its not here yet and CHirstmas is 2 weeks away...that I should just leave it...if its not here by 23rd then come back for a pregnancy test and then start Provera on Christmas Day. Christmas Day??? Merry Christmas to me! HAHA! So Roy decides to get in line for an xbox........which meant that Tiffy and I could do some work on that massive quilt we are making......and I ended up sleeping over.... who kknew that would be the mediine that worked??? NOW IT CAME!! Here's hoping that I am lucky enough to keep working at this fertility thing just before CHristmas...Roy and I are off the week after......... so I will be nice and relaxed?? GOD WILLING this is it!???

UPDATE!

NOPE CLINIC IS CLOSED TILL JANUARY....SO ANOTHER BREAK FOR ME! :(

I pray that January is our MONTH!

October 28th Each month that passes by the light at the end of tunnel gets dimmer!

Last month was very difficult for me because I had alot of cysts and I was in alot of pain but again I weathered the storm and came through it. I anxiously waited for AF to come so I could again go on the shots and start the fun of IUI and all that comes along with it. I had a creatine clearance I had to do so I prayed if it was going to come to just hold off until Monday......famous last words. Alot of people thought I was expecting but I knew that wasn't so...so Sunday nothing then Monday night it came. Yay!!! I thought how wonderful its here and now I make my next appointment at the clinic and get the ultrasound and begin the shots....in my mind I had it all planned out. Then I went for my ultrasound and bloodwork and the nurse said while I was having the ultrasound that the right side was completely clear...this is it this is the month...I started mentally preparing myself...I will have to give myself the injection everynight...no problem I am an old pro at it now right?? Well I waited what seeemed like forever and the nurse called me into the room and she introduced the new nurse and we looked at my file (which gets thicker every month that passes) and she says wow you have been here a while now... yes I said I have very bad luck here. Well she says hopefully this month your luck will change! Yes I said..I pray that is so. While I waited for the doctor I asked myself if its good news how will I react with a smile or just a nod?? He came into the room and looked at my chart...there is 1 cyst still there on the left side and its fairly big. (2.7) this concerns him so he will precribe the injections and if my E2 level is below 150 we can go ahead with 75iu for 4 nights. I am sure it will be fine so I make all my appointments and I leave with a big smile on my face! Then I return to work and I am so busy I almost forget to call.... I call and this idiot nurse who has no sense of people's reactions says o your E2 is 275 and he has decided not to continue see next month. I am quiet on the phone...my heart is breaking and she says hello hello is anyone there...DUH you just gave me terrible news what would you like me to do thank you??? I hung up I was so upset and I just sat here at my desk....Empty, defeated, sad. Will this ever go my way? Will I ever be successful all these thoughts of sadness and doubt are swimming in my head I sit here and cannot control the tears streaming down my face... All I want to do is go home and crawl under teh covers and cry. I am engulfed with selfish thoughts...why me thoughts....failure thoughts. BUT I don't want to wait another month...I just waited a month for the dam things to go away..... WHAT THE HELL! I gather my strength and continue to work but I am just so defeated....I get into my car when I leave and I cannot help but bawl.... its not my time its never my time its always the same thing....why me? OK GOD I get it stop testing me.... my character is all built up now I am strong I am concious of things now...enough is enough!! I went home and got under those covers I had thought about all afternoon....now I was warm and sad...spent the night crying in my bed...thinking of how awful my life is...how unfair my life is...how hopeless this whole thing is...................now I wait....they say the 2WW is brutal....try 4WW!!

September 30th 2005

Well life as I know it is forever changed AGAIN...... we (ok ME) did the injections last month and what a shock to the system. TO THE VERY CORE! First of all I can do it!...Gotta psyche yourself up the first time (THANKS TIFFY) but I did it! Then it came as natural as getting dressed. It was soo easy I almost started to look forward to poking myself. :-0 I found my belly fat .....yup BELLY FAT made that the most comfortable place to do it... Went for all the appts and ultrasounds and I got to watch as my follicles went from NOTHING one day to something the next...by cd 8 I had 19 nice size follies...then the dreaded phone call came. I had Hyperstimmed....and needed to be monitored. Great now he got his wish and we have a scale in the house
:( ....and I had to measure my belly etc.... Suddenly I hated the injections I wanted to cry! All this for nothing because they cancelled the cycle. WHY ME syndrome came in and hit me like a ton of bricks....or should I say pricks! I just prayed for it all be over soon the pain was awful and the nausea was worse...yet here I was gaining weight. I just wanted to crawl under a rock I couldn't get out of bed cause I just didn't want to deal with it...but there was that lovely pain a constant reminder that it was still here. I could just feel myself getting more and more depressed and then it was time for my day 1 ultrasound so I psyched myself up drank my water like a good girl and then.......HOLY HECK! What is that....this is new...the ultrasound lasted for 30 minutes and was extremely painful! OW! Right there I knew something was wrong.... As soon as the nurse talked to me I could tell the news wasn't good...but I am not going to break down not now... she says OMG you have tons of cysts! CYSTS!! ALL I heard was 6 on one side 7 on the other and next cycle is cancelled!! Well I foolishly held out hope that the dr would say something different but he said the same thing...and then the whole...are you in a lot of pain..what number from 1-10 is your pain.... whatever I just want to scream leave me alone and run out of there but I keep my composure and I leave smiling all the way. They must think I am 2 bricks short of a load!! Another FAILED month another FAILED cycle. TICK TICK TICK and chaching a ring a ding...... we are quickly running out of money now so the timer has been set. We have "x" amount of months left and then the journey will have reached its end. Dr. G has stated that the next course is IVF....but we just cannot afford that. :(

I know that things happen for a reason! I thank God for the opportunity to prove to the world that we can overcome any obstacle and our love can shine through the blackest night. I am already blessed with so many gifts from God including the undying and unwaivering love of my soul mate and I really couldn't have asked for anything more.

BUT

I continue to hope and pray for that miracle and I continue to live vicariously through others and I love that I am surounded by greatfriends and lots of babies!! AND NEW ONES BEING ADDED TO THE LIST ALL THE TIME!!! :) Carm you are always in my heart and miind!! I love being an aunt....its something that helps me keep going and knowing that its all worth it!