Sunday, July 20, 2008

Welcome to the world of infertility: Population --YOU!

That is how I feel ... some days I feel like I am the only one who suffers..... some days I feel like there is no end to it all. Hopefully in 2 weeks when I start the stimming those days will all be a memory. I cannot believe that all of this all that we have been though for the better part of 8years has all come down to this. All my hope and all my dreams depend on what... 30 needles and 20 ultrasounds and the same amount if not more of bloodwork. Strange isn't it? I worry what will happen if this fails, I worry what it means for our future.... a life without children was never a thought in my head but now it may become a reality. I am willing to do anything and everything to improve my chances. I need to believe and I need to have HOPE I need to have FAITH..... I need to have patience. I have been doing alot of thinking and alot of praying alot of begging. Saturday morning I was getting dressed and broke my necklace. I wonder is it a sign? A sign that I need to let go of the past to look forward to the future? That necklace has been around my neck for over 2 years since I lost my precious daughters. It is a little box and inside it 2 little pink tear drop beads... representing the tears I shed for my little girls... how much I love them and miss them. It broke my heart that morning.... it is on a strong MANS chain and all I could think of was that it was a message from Grace and Anna.... let go and move on. Get ready for the next phase. That is the second message I have received in the last week. THe first was a conversation with my mother about a visit to the psychic several years ago. I never went back because I felt that she betrayed me by not warning of what was to come. My mother had a dream or a thought about the fact that she said there were 2 babies with my grandmother...I always beleived that it meant they were waiting to be born... but her point was that maybe that was the warning... they were in heaven with my grandmother because they weren't meant to be... and she was taking care of heaven. I believe things happen in threes.... well I woke up with this overwhelming sense that I need to take the cross of their urns and put it on. I haven't even thought about wearing that again BUT suddenly I am thinking maybe I can. If it is truly meant to be there will be another sign.... So I will wait and see.
The broken necklace

1 comment:

Kat said...

That's some powerful stuff Shellie ((hugs)) Good luck with the next steps!

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie
Always on our minds, Forever in our hearts (June 28, 2006)