Bad news is I am not pregnant, Good news is I am not pregnant

WELL..........................

I will start off by explaining my title. I had a BHCG done yesterday so that I could start the provera to get this show on the road.

Yesterday was an interesting day, it started off with hubby having to provide his sample and sticking it between the boobs to keep it warm while we drive it to the clinic to have it tested... which is really a moot point considering we are doing ICSI anyways. I kinda laugh because its funny that his little men are being warmed between the boobs.... close to the heart. THen I had to have an appt to sign all the documents and our first born over to them... and pay the 8k. It is totally insane to think thay we so willingly paid that kind of money for a chance not even a guarantee. I know its worth it... This is our last chance. The appt went well and then we had to come home to get ready for our exciting night at Coldplay concert. We got there and tried to trade our tickets since we weren't sitting togehter but that didn;t work out so we instead decided to just split up and see each other on intermission and meet at the end. The opening band was pretty good but Coldplay was friggin AMAZING! The music was so great and being on the floor during it was soo cool! They played their songs from different locations on the stage and then even came out into the crowd to play "the scientist". I couldn't believe it when I looked up and butterfly shaped confetti was raining down on me. I wanted to cry because Roy was up in the stands and was missing it... I caught as much confetti as I could I and almost started crying thinking poor Roy was missing it. What an incredible experience. I took lots of pictures so I am posting some on here... I will start provera soon and tehn start stimming next week.Then the fun begins. AND the best news is my very close friend who has been trying to have a baby for a while... and has suffered through many miscarriages is finally pregnant! I am thrilled to pieces for her!! Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

I found this video and I swear to you this person was beside me ont he floor... this was my view!

and the shocks keep comin!

Today I was scared out of my mind I had an appt with hubby to see the counsellor but I was freaked out cause I knew he wouldn't want to go.... so I chose not to tell him what the appt was about. Selfish yes but I know him and this was better... We went to the appt and I was so nervous I thought I actually was going to throw up. I told him on the way that this was an appt that was mandatory and I tried to get out of it.. which I did. But that it will be over quickly and we just have to talk to this person. Once we got in the room I looked at him and I could see in his face that look... that omg look... but it quickly turned to that its ok look. We sat in the chairs and we smiled at each other and we were very honest about how we felt. She taleked a little about the girls but soo much less than I expected. She was impressed with how prepared we were and how supportive of each other. She could really tell that we were a strong couple and you know I never really looked at it that way, but that is not the first time someone has said that to me. We have overcome alot in our marriage and I know that no matter what he will always be there for me. He promised that he would come in for both the the retrieval and transfer.. he was in neither last time. He also said that really he felt like my blog and online friends are my biggest supporters and tehy help me to deal with everything. OF COURSE that is true but I never realized HE KNEW THAT! LOL! Some days I just love him soo much. Tomorrow he has to go have his sample tested and then in the afternoon we sign the paperwork and pay the price... LOL pay for the procedure... I have some questions about the assisted hatching procedure and whether it is something I should be considering but aside from that I am ready to get in the cart and start this rollercoaster! Tomorrow night we have the Coldplay concert as well so that should be very exciting as well. I am sad we won't be sitting together but at the same time it's ok. Maybe we can trade in our tix for 2 seats next to each other. LOL! Any time spent with hubby is great time these days. Took me a long time to get to this point but I am really appreciating how much he is there for me and how much we have been through to get to this point. I am not naive I know that there is a chance that it won't work but even if that is the case my hope is that there are some frozen and we have that option open to us as well.... Fingers Crossed!!

Welcome to the world of infertility: Population --YOU!

That is how I feel ... some days I feel like I am the only one who suffers..... some days I feel like there is no end to it all. Hopefully in 2 weeks when I start the stimming those days will all be a memory. I cannot believe that all of this all that we have been though for the better part of 8years has all come down to this. All my hope and all my dreams depend on what... 30 needles and 20 ultrasounds and the same amount if not more of bloodwork. Strange isn't it? I worry what will happen if this fails, I worry what it means for our future.... a life without children was never a thought in my head but now it may become a reality. I am willing to do anything and everything to improve my chances. I need to believe and I need to have HOPE I need to have FAITH..... I need to have patience. I have been doing alot of thinking and alot of praying alot of begging. Saturday morning I was getting dressed and broke my necklace. I wonder is it a sign? A sign that I need to let go of the past to look forward to the future? That necklace has been around my neck for over 2 years since I lost my precious daughters. It is a little box and inside it 2 little pink tear drop beads... representing the tears I shed for my little girls... how much I love them and miss them. It broke my heart that morning.... it is on a strong MANS chain and all I could think of was that it was a message from Grace and Anna.... let go and move on. Get ready for the next phase. That is the second message I have received in the last week. THe first was a conversation with my mother about a visit to the psychic several years ago. I never went back because I felt that she betrayed me by not warning of what was to come. My mother had a dream or a thought about the fact that she said there were 2 babies with my grandmother...I always beleived that it meant they were waiting to be born... but her point was that maybe that was the warning... they were in heaven with my grandmother because they weren't meant to be... and she was taking care of them....in heaven. I believe things happen in threes.... well I woke up with this overwhelming sense that I need to take the cross of their urns and put it on. I haven't even thought about wearing that again BUT suddenly I am thinking maybe I can. If it is truly meant to be there will be another sign.... So I will wait and see.

The broken necklace

Every embryo is made up of 4 grandparents chromosomes pick your inlaws wisely....

Last night went to the IVF info session it was awesome got a tour of the lab and a tour of the recovery room over 2 hours of listening to the embryologist and nurse and doctor. Alot of the stuff I already knew but I actually learned some stuff too. We even got to see a live video of an ICSI procedure. I loved every second it was like the coolest course ever. I wish I was an embryologist... o if I could do it all over again I would study to be a doctor... an infertility specialist, perhaps even an embryologist. He was a total sweetheart and I really found the whole experience fulfilling and heartwarming. Bizarre I know but it really was. I cannot believe hoe prepared I feel this time. I know exactly what to expect and I am almost looking forward to it. I was sitting here thinking the other day.... just how different life is now or how different life would be if everything hadn't gotten so screwed up. I realized that my girls would be running around the house and causing trouble and doing all those things 2 year olds do. I can just see them with their blond hair in pig tails chasing each other around the house. Life is the opposite of what I thought it would be. I never imagined that in order to have a child I would spend most of my marriage going through such horrible unimaginable things and becoming obsessed with basal temparatures and cervical mucus and twinges of pain. What an odd way to have a child... the process of sticking a needle through a vaginal wall to poke many holes into the ovaries to suck out the follicular fluid -- i learned that last night... its the fluid not the eggs... silly me thought it was an egg they suk out but they dont know if there is an egg on the ultrasounds they can only see the fluid surroudning what they hope is an egg... we truly don't know if an egg is there until they get into the lab and separate them all out. Did I mention I thought itwas cool to learn that stuff? I am such a geek! Anyways not really how I pictured having a baby but if it works it is totally worth it. There are soo many women out there who have been blessed by this intervention of science. I hope to be one of those women! I am going to be the most loving mother who will dedicate her entire life to her child. I really believe that DH will be an amazing father too! He makes me laugh soo friggin hard some times... just the other day we were laughing our faces off I actually had tears running down my face from laughing at his half stache. Sorry inside joke.. and then there was the yoga pose. OMG HA HA! Anyways a couple more weeks of this and then the fun begins.

Tired....sooooo tired.....

What an intersting an exhausting week. I seriously need a drink! I gave up alcohol for obovious reasons but I really really could use one today! I feel like I was running a marathon all day. Its kinda funny but our relationship has taken a totally new twist. It is like we are back to where we were when we were dating. Its kinda nice but at the same time its also exhausting.... so relly sleep is my only down time right now. SHe says as she yawns!! I think I may just have a nice warm bath and try not to fall asleep in it! LOL! Its the finale tonight of Celebrity Circus and I am pretty sure Antonio will win but MAYBE Stacey will. IN MY OPINION I feel like Stacey should win but really who cares! LOL! I am watching the baby borrowers and even watching all the little psychos still makes me want to have them. I think that is a sign I am ready right!? Now the question is IS MY BODY!?

My name is "Shell" and I am a researchaholic....

My name is Shellie and I am a researchaholic... I am totally and completely obsessed with researching... it never ceases to amaze me how you can look up a subject and find 10 million pages on it. When it comes to the world of infertility there is no end to the amount of things you can find out. What is the right diet? What shouldn't you eat? What are the fertility boosting foods? When it comes to IVF even though i have been through it once it was rushed and it wasn't the best process and experience... I am reading every article about it. ICSI has soo many bad things associated with it a shocking amount of bad information actually I was thrilled to read today that there is finally some good information out there. They have been doing alot of studies and that is a great thing I am all for the studies. It proves to me that the ends of the earth that I am willing to go to are not all in vain and I really don't want to do anything that is bad to either myself or the potential children. I believe I am having this experience for a reason I have no idea what that reason is but it keeps me sane to believe that. There are a few things I want to talk about beside my new addiction of research. I went to Edgefest on teh weekend and it was so awesome and I had alot of fun but I really think I am just too old for this stuff. The standing in the rain with no umbrella (not allowed) and the mud and the standing for hours upon hours lineups to go pee are like 4 hours and then its even more than that for the beer. Here are a few pictures below.

More on the IVF thing.... cause it is the single most important thing in my life these days. Thursday is the info session all about IVF. I think I am losing my mind because I am soo excited about this and yet it is going to be one of the hardest things that I have gone through. I am literally putting all my eggs into one basket! Hubby had the bloodwork he will bring in his sample when we are off that week and ALSO that week we have an appt with the counsellor ..... he is soo going to hate that!!! Also we will be paying the fees and signing the forms that week. There is so many things to do before that happens.

OK for those of you who read this blog I need your help. I have a very very good friend whose wife is expecting....they had their ultrasound and didn't give them a copy of the picture. They wanted the Dr to see it first then if everything is ok they would give them the pictures. THey are 12 weeks so now I am just relieved but cautiously optomistic. The ultrasound showed that there was blood beneath the baby... ok from the daddy's point of view from beneath the baby I am thinking its a hemmorhage of the placenta and they are concerned about it. Has anyone heard of this or seen this? Please pray for her and their baby. I am trying to do research to see what I can find out but I am really worried for them. Thank goodness they aren't and they are excited and telling everyone their wonderful news!! Me being the worry wart I am and knowing how things can change I am concerned.

The Terrible Tenaculum!!

There is a new instrument of torture in the fertility world. Beware of the tenaculum! This is used to grab the cervix and pull it open or get it to do things when your body is misbehaving and not cooperating with the doctor!

I went in for my Saline Sono today and again this terrible tenaculum had to be used. I arrived and whilst waiting ran into another girl I had seen previously for some reason we both remembered each other. Made me feel much better. I started to calm down. I went into the room changed into my paper sheet.... LOL ran into the room bare-assed... the ultrasound girl was gentle.. soo gentle it was unbelievable Mr Wand was gentle! She took some internal pictures and I smiled and made jokes when she went out to call Dr G to come in she came back and gave me my cell phone that my hubby had dropped off cause I forgot it in the car. Then when Dr G came in he said are you nervous? I laughed and said umm yes i see those instruments of torture over there ha ha! He began simply just inserting the speculuum.. something all women have had.. just like a pap. They jack you open. then he says ok I am going to insert the catheter then he says uhoh its not going in... I am going to try again so he pokes it again and pulls and pushes on the speculum.. (what I wouldnt give to clamp his penis and pull and push it!!!) and says ok now I am sorry I need to use the clamp. Now ladies.... IS THIS A CLAMP!? Clamp with pincers on it!? I braced myself for the pain. I thought omg ok deep breaths and think happy thoughts! He pinches it and pulls it all around and then says ok lets start again! So he clamps it again. What it feels like for me is a huge cramp that starts at the tip of the vajayjay and goes deeper into your back and uterus. I just thought happy thoughts and did deep breathing just like on the wiifit breathe in and breathe out through your nose. I held onto the cell phone with the picture of my niece and just stayed perfectly still he filled the balloon and then they inserted Mr Wand and took a bunch of pics and then just as quickly as it was started it was over. Removed the catheter and then felt all the liquid gush out I lay there a couple minutes then ran bare assed to the change room and I was done! Well next step is done so I can check that off my list! Now all hubby has to do is bring in his sample and have our counselling session and we are good to start! WOOHOO!!

Bad Blogger!

OK OK I know I am being very bad blogger. I need to post more often. I will I promise.

OK So THe second anniversary of giving birth to my precious girls went off like any other day. Yes I remembered them and every aching moment of it came rushing back to me like a bad dream but I survived it. They will always be in my heart and in my life forever. This was a nice day of just having fun with my sister and my family.

I am having some of the best times of my life now and I really never even thought I would survive after their birth. If I didn't know better I would think that Carmela came into my life to give me happiness the extreme kind of joys that make my days filled with less tears and more smiles. She is truly one of a kind. SHe may only be my niece but I swear to you that I love that little girl like she is my own. The time that I spend with her are some of the happiest most fulfilling times of my life. She makes me laugh to the point of crying she makes me laugh so hard that I literally fall down to the ground because my legs buckle from laughing so hard. She fulfills Roy and I so much more than I ever could have imagined. We have really grown in the last couple of years since we lost our girls. We have both learned that we can laugh again and live again... having fun doesn't mean we are forgetting what happened it means we are moving on. WE are ready to live again and love again.

Life is a really funny thing. Things happen that you least expect and when the worst happens that is when you see what you are truly made of. We never beleived for one second that our marriage was strong enough to handle something so horrific. The things we experienced and have lived through proves that we do have a good strong marriage and that when the times are tough we can pull ourselves out and survive.

I am very excited that next weekend I a m going to EDGEFEST really its one of the most exciting things I have done in years. It is going to be sooo much fun and I am really looking forward to spending the day with my sister and all her friends from work.

Tomorrow I am going to start back with my acupuncture and so that is truly exciting because that means I am on the brink of my first official IVF procedure.

To give you a taste of what I am in for... Here are some pictures.

ICSI

IVF STEPS