Thursday, January 08, 2009

Second Last Day of Vacation

Tomorrow is my last day of vacation.... I am sad to see it end but I sadly miss my friends at work. Isn't that pathetic? I have loved my time off with my husband... we have had alot fun and smiled and laughed more than usual.. It's been great. It sucks we go back to work and the daily grind comes back and so does the misery. I do not want this year to be the same old same old. I want to have more fun and smile and laugh and just do things I haven't done or we haven't done before. We made a snowman together that was so much fun and we come home tonight after a day of fun to discover someone has punched the face off it. I know its made of snow and its stupid but I was really upset... who does that!? Someone takes the time to create something on their property and people think its ok to go up and destroy it? I am sure I know which of the kids on the street did it and they better not let me catch them doing it again. GROW UP YOU PATHETIC LITTLE BRATS! OK so I am still a little perturbed about it. Whatever! I won't let that ruin my day. We went shopping together.. his parents bought us some clothes that didn't fit so we went to exchange it and it turned into me finding lots of really nice clothes for him. It was kinda fun finding all these shirts and pants that were really nice and also on sale. I LOVE SALES! So the secret is that I hate shopping!! I HATE IT! But today was so much fun I even tried on jeans that made me look dare I say it... hot... ! YES I bought them and the same pair in black as well as blue! Hee hee... Now I need to work on losing my bloated belly..... Then I won't be ashamed to wear sexy tops again! For now I just feel fat! I never thought I would see the day I would feel fat but I am and I do.



OK I had to edit the post to include this really cool little thing... My husband is petrified of spiders.... I apologize ahead of time for the photo below if you are afraid of them too... My mother laughs that he vaccuums them up because he is so scared of them or he calls me down to kill them. For Christmas he got a critter catcher. (see photo below) I had to use it tonight because he saw a little spider and I have to share with you that yes... it works!! Here are 2 pics of the catcher... and the last one shows the little guy I caught.. and yes after his photo session I did release him outside. Ironically probably froze to death cause its -10 outside currently... and there is lots of snow. O well I had to share. Again I am sorry if the pic of spidey bothers you. ( I made that particular pic smaller so it won't stick out) As a child I loved catching critters and playing with them so I am not bothered by any of the creepy crawlies. LOL!

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

You know you are out of shape when making a snowman causes you to be out of breath!










Like millions of people tonight I watched Patrick Swayze talk about his cancer. I am left with so many questions... How can you go through such intense chemotherapy and not lose your hair? Where does he get all that energy from? I wonder if there is more to this story than what is being told... something just seems off to me... and I am not just referring to his voice. I wonder what other things he is having done to survive for so long and still look so good. Please Patrick share your magic with the rest of the world. My heart just breaks for you and Lisa and your family.. I hope they find a cure for cancer and everyone lives long and happy cancer free lives!! When she asked if she had thought about life when without Patrick I couldn't help but think about what life would be like without my husband. How empty and alone it would be.... he really is my world and without him I cannot imagine a worse kind of hell. After we lost our girls I realized how important he was to me and how important I was to him. The things we have gon through together makes me realize how important it is that we are together and although we have our moments... and really who doesn't? Isn't that part of being passionate? We are soul mates.I cannot imagine life without him. We are still on vacation this week and woke up this morning to snow.. lots and lots of snow... so laugh if you must..... but he is outside shovelling and comes running in and says Shellie come outside and help me make a snowman its packing snow... I was like a stupid little kid.... OK comin... so we made a snowman. A BIG ONE! You know you are out of shape when building a snowman makes you out of breath. Too funny! Anyways here are some pictures.. Try not to laugh too hard!! ;)

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Hot Dogs With Ketchup & Sprinkles

I have the most amazing niece... She will be 4 next month and she is honest and truely the light of my life and reason for living. She makes me laugh in ways I never thought I would, she makes my heart ache and yet with just a little hug makes all my bad days bright again. She has a personality like no other. She is my little ham. I am so lucky that I have such a strong bond and relationship with her, we see her often and I am much closer to her than most aunts... Some times when I am with her I almost forget she isn't mine because she just has my heart. I would die for this little 3o pound princess. She discovered hot dogs recently and enjoys having sprinkles on it! I laugh when I heard that.. sprinkles on hot dogs? How original! Some days I gush about her so much at work people laugh at me... I have become that new mom who comes in with her brag book in hand spouting on and on about what their cute little bundle did... fart or smile or maybe a first word. Four years of gushin noone has ever told me to shut up, maybe its because people know how broken I am and this is one thing that makes me smile and laugh or maybe they just think I am crazy. Whatever it is I enjoy it. If only every person had a kid in their life like her... life would be a better place, people wouldn't be so miserable. All I wanted is one just one just like her. Not in the cards so she is all I get... I will take it!!

Monday, January 05, 2009

Odd day - Odd life!

What a totally odd day... I am supposed to be on vacation but I had to work today.... I guess I was a little anxious about workign today (even just from home) cause I was up till after 3am las t night. It started with sex and the city.. I never really watched that show when it was on... but there is a new station on the tv called cosmo that plays it constantly and I have become totally obsessed with it. I love that friggin show! Ironically I don't watch it for Carrie.. personally I find her totally annoying and not that attractive. I watch it for the other girls... Charlotte is my favorite! Last night's episode made me laugh so hard... and then poor Miranda had Brady and he was totally screaming.... and I guess it woke me up moer cause when it was over I was still awake. I watched one of my favorite movies The Painted Veil... it's an odd movie but I love it. I actually watched the entire movie it ended at 3am!! Then I couldn't sleep afterwards and just started thinking... thinking about how sad I am that this will be a year without fertility treatments or poking and proddings or visits with Mr. Wand. I actually will miss them.. How screwed up am I? I haven't had a period in months... so long ago I have lost count when my last one was. It was my period after my IVF... thats all I remember.... so that means my body has settled in for its regualr irregular PCOS ravaged nap. Should I be concerned? Nah Dr says this is my norm..... My NORM! NO PERIOD FOR MONTHS AT A TIME! Lucky me!

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Thanks for Nothing! A letter to Dr S

My letter to the old clinic. I wanted to start off the year right and let it go so I sent an email to the Clinic.

Dr S, I wanted to send you an email to explain to you things that you may not be aware of. First a little bit about myself. I was a patient at ISIS and at 5 months pregnant I lost my monoamniotic monochorionic twin girls. They were the best thing that has ever happened to me and I was truly devastated and it was too difficult to return to that clinic so my sister who was a patient at Nustar and was successful recommended I come to her clinic the name just changed.. NewLife.. I figured change would be good so I started coming. At first I loved it your team were amazing! The nurses were incredible and the ultrasound techs even remembered your name it didn't feel like coming there was a chore.. there wasn't a very long wait and I really enjoyed my time there. My sister and I would come to our appts together and we both loved it there. Then one day something changed... I still don't know what it was but your team changed. New faces and people that not only didn't know you but made you feel like you were bothering them. They were miserable to deal with and never knew what was going on, you could literally sit there and wait hours for an appt. My frustration grew and grew and I spoke to people in the waiting rooms and they were more frustrated than we were. Eventually I had enough of the waiting and the disapointments to me it was really obvious that whether you are aware of it or not your clinic just isn't the same. I came there in hopes of overcoming my infertilty challenges and finally have a baby but I don't want to go somewhere that makes me feel like I am not wanted. My health took a turn and my kidneys are causing some problems so my doctor told me I had one last chance to try IVF before I am put on medication which will not allow me to get pregnant. Since I was not only not successful at your clinic but felt that I wasn't a priority there I chose to leave and go back to the one place where I was successful. A place where the nurses remember to call you to give you your results, a place where they don't just expect you to know things instead they ask or tell you, a place where they don't make you feel like all they want is your money, a place where they make you feel like they care. Unfortunately my IVF there was unsuccessful but the embryologist asked me to meet with him to discuss what happened so I would know... yet another thing I wasn't offered at Newlife. When I told him that I had IVF done and Newlife he asked me to sign a form so that they could request my file so I could close this chapter of my life and compare the reports to see what was wrong... and more importantly so that I can know why after 10 years of trying to have a baby... MOST OF THOSE AT FERTILITY CLINICS... why I cannot have a baby. THat was several months ago... your office had the audacity to call me and demand money for them to send my doctor... not me but my doctor the file. I argued with them that I cannot understand why I should have to pay for a file and they never called me back. I am very dissapointed.... I have the right as a patient to have a second opinion... ironically you were mine. I cannot have children this is something that I have to accept but what I need to know is why. I need to close this chapter of my life so I can move on. I refuse to pay for a file that I don't even get to have access to, expecially when I feel that you have taken enough of my time and money. Both my sister and I have now left your clinic and I wanted to start this year out right by closing this chapter of my life and letting you know what is happening. Sometimes people don't know what is happening until someone tells them. I hope that sending this will enable you to see what is going on and allow your current and future patients a more enjoyable experience. Especially for the clinic that boasts "Here at NewLife, we are committed to innovation in reproductive care in a compassionate and friendly setting and most of all, we provide hope through individual care"

It is getting harder and harder to hate this man!!!!!! --HIS RESPONSE --

Hi Kelly,

Thanks for taking the time to write this email. I do appreciate feedback because it help us improve, something we strive to do all the time.

Your experience of things changing one day at NewLife is not a figment of your imagination. I looked at your chart. At the time this happened, we had 3 of our receptionists quit all at the same time for personal and family reasons at a time when the ultrasound service provider changed and our patient load also increased. We hired new people but the organization and timeliness were below standard to say the least. Unfortunately all the issues you experienced were as a direct result of these events in our office in Mississauga. Fortunately we have since, corrected all these and we now have a stable and more friendly staff and environment.

The fee of $35.00 my staff asked you to pay to send a copy of the embryology report to ISIS is a nominal fee to cover some of our costs that you probably do not know about. This includes the cost of storing your chart and searching for and retrieving it from storage. Going through the chart and extracting the information you need and faxing it to your Doctor. Usually I have to also look at the chart to give my staff the info you need. This service is not covered by OHIP. ISIS also has the same fee when one of their patients needs to send us chart information. All clinics including your family doctor has the same fee and some clinics charge a much higher fee. You can check these yourself on ISIS website under fees and also under McGill fertility centre under fees.

From the clinical point of view, I looked through your chart to try and help you understand why you have not been successful so far. You did 2 IUI cycles with us and on the third cycle you over stimulated and was given the option of IVF conversion, you had lots of eggs retrieved but the embryo development was not good. You had one embryo at 8 cells grade 2 transferred on day 4. You conceived but ended up with a miscarriage. After that you did not return because of your kidney problem. I am sorry to hear that you did an IVF cycle at ISIS but was not successful. Although I do not know the details of that cycle and whether there was an issue with embryo development also, I would still think that you can conceive with IVF. I do not think you have exhausted all your options as you have mentioned in your email. Even if it turns out to be that you have an oocyte problem, you can conceive with donor eggs which is highly successful. I am not certain however, that this is the case. Based on the info I have in your old chart, I would still be optimistic that you can have a child with your own eggs if we can get better embryos.

I am not up to date on the kidney problem which is important and it may be affected by pregnancy but usually does not have an impact on your ability to get pregnant. Even women with kidney transplants are able to conceive.

Our IVF pregnancy rate has improved drastically since you did your cycle with us, mainly because of new and improved technology in the lab. Also do not forget that this was a conversion and not a standard IVF protocol, where we have much better control on the stimulation. Usually you meet with the embryologist in a normal IVF cycle, in a conversion cycle everything is rushed and you do not get enough information.

I have asked my staff to fax the embryology info to ISIS without charge, but if you wish I can also review the IVF cycle you did at ISIS and tell you my opinion so that you can conceive not "to close the chapter".

All the best for the new year,

Dr S

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Christmas










I know its been awhile.. a long while.. I really needed to take some time to deal with all that was going on and try to accept... key word TRY... that I cannot have any babies. The thought that I have to live this life childless takes my breath away since it is the only thing I ever wanted or needed out of this life. In the midst of all this personal drama we learned that my mother in law has breast cancer. This really shook both of us to the very core... we just didn't ever think we would have to deal with anything like this in our family. I have really done my best to be there for her every step of the way. She needed one person who wouldn't cry or look at her with that aww poor you face... (those of us who have lost babies know that face all to well!) So instead I just call her almost every day just to see how she is and see how things are, is there anything I can do to help you? She is a brave lady and I really have never seen her break down or have a why me moment... not that she hasn't in private but she is a trooper. Once she started the chemo her hair fell out so fast.. so we bought her a wig. Anything she needs or wants we will make sure we can provide. What I decided was that this year I would host Christmas have them over sleep over on Christmas eve and spend Christmas day with us... I would cook... yes me cook funny I realize... and she could just sit back and relax. Noone knew how she would be feeling at that point but I will tell you that it was a very exciting and fun filled Christmas. The dinner was fabulous and we all stayed in our PJs all day long and had a great family Christmas. I didn't get to see my own family on Christmas day but it was ok... this year was about his family. It was a great Christmas. I wish each and every one of you a Happy New Year and I hope you had a Merry Christmas.












Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie

Our angels Grace Elizabeth & Anna Marie
Always on our minds, Forever in our hearts (June 28, 2006)