A little bit pregnant?

February 18th

Just got home from the clinic to discover that althought I had a negative beta that it was a positive negative test. Basically it was a chemical pregnancy.... Well I can think of many things that caused it to fail but ultimately I have to look at the fact that I was a "little bit pregnant" and that is a good sign right? Well the other bad news is that I have cysts so they cancelled this cycle. It could be a blessing in disguise except right now I dont look at it that way... I look at it like yet another failure and another month with a cancelled cycle. WHICH SUCKS! I was kind of hoping that this month would be my "your only fertile once a year" month.... I am a little bit emotional so I suppose its a good thing that its cancelled and althought it is cancelled its better to not spend all the money on that cycle for it to fail anyways or get cancelled at the end of the cycle... which sucks even more. I am just going to take it as a sign that its just not meant to be for now. I HATE BREAKS but what can I do? I will have the drugs by the time my next cycle starts so thats a positive... pretty much the only positive right now... but it will do! Anyways I thought i would just update my blog..................................... since I am a little down today.

Failure is a part of my life, I should be used to it now
But every time I fail again I muster the strength again somehow
My need for a child is stronger than the fear of yet another loss
I will keep going and trying I don't really care about the cost
One day it will happen to me I am sure about this thats true
And so I will endure the pain and the sorrow and all the sacrifices too
For one day I will hold a crying baby and share with it all of my love
I know I was put here on this earth to be a mom it will fit me like a glove
Until that moment is upon us, I will have hope and faith you will see
I won't give up I will fight and struggle, with all that is inside me

Shellie-Marie Kelly

Feb 14

I had my beta and it came back negative and at that very moment I felt my heart break all over again. My feelings were so crushed and I just feel like I lost my girls all over again. I am so devestated and I never thought I would be that dissapointed. I tried so hard not to get my hopes up to put all my eggs in one basket literally. All I want to do is crawl back under the rock I came from back in August last year. I feel so empty and so alone. I wanted so badly for it to work and I just don't want to feel this empty anymore. All I do is have nightmares and cry, I can't concentrate on anything but how much I miss my girls. I have so much hurt and so much pain. I tried so hard to push all the pain down and move on, move forward, smile and learn to love again. There is nothing I want more in this world than to feel a baby inside me again. I loved feeling my girls move around and watch my belly grow. I long for those moments again. February 14th last year was my LMP. From now on I start to have the one year anniversaries and I was hoping to go through them with something to look forward to...someone.... but of course those hopes were dashed. You would think I am used to being rejected and failing and beind disapointed but really I am not, i hure just as much today as I did a year ago. I am in the same place today that I was a year ago. Broken, damaged and lost. This time I am empty on top of it all. I may try again next month but the cost will be out of pocket so that will take some convincing for my hubby and frankly need to convince myself. Why do we continue to put ourselves through this torture? I wonder that often... I never really knew love until the day I found out I was pregnant. My girls showed me what was real love.... I was never given the opportunity to show them how much I loved them. I never got to hold them and tell them when they could hear me. Those poor precious babies died not knowing how much love I have to give them, how much I needed them.

I have a closet full of clothes my little babies will never wear
I have bouncers in their bedroom not them inside, instead a teddy bear!
The day I found out that they were gone, we were going to pick up their cribs
Instead I left there broken and empty and cremated them with toys and bibs
Those girls took so many things from me things I never knew I had
They broke my heart and left me empty now I am all resentful and sad
Instead of visiting my babies sleeping calmly in their bed
They sit there in their nursery in small cold pink boxes instead
Will I ever be a mommy one which I have so longed to be
Or am I destined to be an angel mommy only to Anna and to Gracie?

Here We Grow Again?

I know its been a long LONG time since I posted on here but its taken me a long time to get over losing my daughters and learning to grieve and be able to move on. We decided to start trying again late last year and the clinic we were at upset me with the runaround and non personal attention... after all I had been through I expected an explanation as to why they were refusing to start my cycle... not just being hung up on rudely and being told to get over it. SO I contacted my family doctor and he referred me to the same clinic my sister has been at. I went and met the doctor and was truly amazed at how personable he was he honestly felt for me and was regretful for all that happened. He asked me to do one investigative cycle and then we could start on the meds again. He decided that he was going to put me on Puregon and since I had leftover Gonal-f from when I was TTC at the end of the year when they cancelled me. He said not a problem and so in January we began again. It was really emotional and hard to get back on the injections. I totally forgot about how emotional and crazy things can get. My body responded so well to the medication I had 12 TWELVE mature eggs. They called me into the office and told me I had 3 choices. I could cancel my cycle, I could switch to IVF or I could have a procedure done where they would remove some of the eggs so as to reduce the chances of multiples. I wanted to switch to IVF but the extra 3k was alot of money so I opted for the painful procedure instead. I was nervous and very frightened but instead I welcomed it with open arms. It could be the answer to my prayers.... I went in a few days before the procedure and Iwas told that the procedure wasn't neccessary anymore... only 6 eggs were at the point where they might be fertilized so they were willing to go ahead with the IUI. I got the HCG injection and the next day I did the IUI. The incredible thing was that his count was 50 million and motility was 93% it was great. The IUI was quick and painless and I went by myself. I wanted to cry after... I felt so alone and so emotional I wanted to be sick. It was hard to realize the last time I did that these 2 precious little girls came into my life. Now a year later I am back at the same point all over again. The next day we did it all over again except this time my sister and my niece came with me. What an experience... a 2 year old and my sister in the room when I am being inseminated. How funny is that!? Of course Carmela was a little freaked out at first but after it was done and the nurse stood there and chatted with us for 10 minutes she loosened up and decided to go to the end of the bed to take a peek at auntie's hoo hoo! She is so ardorable... anyone else would have got a smack. I started the progesterone suppositories that night and then the waiting began. I guess cause I have 6 eggs potentially popping that explains the horriblt pains I had all weekend. I just keep thinking to myself this is all a good sign. Its for a reason. This time will be different. I broke out in hives on Saturday so I have now decreased the progesterone to once a day to see if they go away. I mean I know I am not allergic to peanuts so what could it be? In the middle of all this we got home on Wednesday night to discover that our ceiling in the living room was leaking and had to pull down the ceiling to relieve the pressure... after 3 days of drippin it finally stopped leaking and the insurance copany sent someone out today to look at it and provide an estimate. Its been an exciting couple of days and it will be an even longer 2 week wait. February 16th is my test date.... soI am really keeping my fingers crossed that this is it. I hate to put all my eggs in one basket but after this month its all out of pocket.... Looking forward to updating you once I have test results.