Tears and Pain -one year later.....

I have finally reached that moment... the moment I have dreaded... the one year anniversaries of all things baby. A year ago yesterday we had our first appt at the High risk clinic with Dr Smith. He was so tender and caring and NOTHING like I pictured him... he actually seemed to care about us. He couldn't find the membrane between the babies and got us an emergency appt at Mt Sinai for May 31st. May 31st was the day when my dreams died and my hopes were crushed. A day I will never forget as they told us we were teh worst case scenario and suggested we abort our babies. The day when they took away our happiness and replaced it will sadness and fear. OK I know realize they were right but that doesn't take the pain away it still hurts.... it hurts to know that right now I should have 2 girls flourishing and crawling, maybe already saying mommy. I long for those moments... I still wake up in a sweat (just not as often) thinking that it was all a horrible nightmare and a mistake. But when I rush to the nursery there sit those precious tiny girls in bronze boxes painted pink... I did reach a good milestone recently though. I allowed someone to see the nursery (well the room anyways) I wasn't ready for anyone to go in but what a huge step to take to actually open the door and have someone beside me. It was a little bit freeing to allow someone in to just experience my pain if even for just a moment... to feel the love that fills that room, the heartache and heartbreak knowing that the room was for those girls, the toys and clothes and diapers in there were all for them. My only hope now is that they understand that I will hopefully have a baby oneday and those toys and clothes and diapers will be used by their brother or sister. There were some very special things that belonged to them and I put them in their casket with them so they could have them with them for eternity... but thing like baby bouncers were just too big. So they will pass them down.. hey hand me downs aren't that bad are they!? I hope that I will make a great mom and that Grace and Anna will watch me from heaven and smile knowing that they may have missed out on it here on earth but that my motherly love for them is eternal no matter where they are. I believe I will hold them again in heaven one day. I know that they know what happened wasn't their fault and that they were wanted soo much but even our love for them wasn't stong enough. I hope that they felt no pain and that it was quick and they just fell asleep silently. I believe when I held them that their souls were still there and that they could feel our love for them and that they knew how heartbroken we were that they had to leave us so soon. Our lives will never be the same. The loss of a child ( or children) at any point does soemthing to you. It makes you hard it breaks you down and makes you doubt everything you always believed.. it makes you hate the cold cruel world and it makes you want to scream and crry and never leave home again. It took me a long time to accept they were really gone and that I didn't know Grace was gone... until that ultrasound day. I felt like such a failure as a mom. Eventually I was able to move on with my life.. slowly building my future and looking forward not backward.. it was a hard lesson to learn and in my life all my lessons seem to be hard... It took some convincing but I finally got hubby to agree to try again.. and it gave me something to look forward to something to hold on to. I needed that. I looked forward to my appointments and my daily injections as strange as that may seem it is the path I must take to conceive. I accept that and I look forward to the day I hold a baby in my arms and I hear the cry, or feel the fingers move. Strange I realize but its what I get up for every day and its why I continue to breathe in and out every day. I may have lost my faith but I will never lose my hope. The day I lose my hope is the day I die outside and match my insides.

The 45 Minute IUI

This month has been a very difficult month. Not only because almost a year ago our lives changed forever.. But because this has been my first (and last I hope) back to back month of injections. It is soo exhausting emotionally and physically my stomach just aches as if to beg please not another needle... PLEASE.. Of course this cycle was also extremely long... I just used up the last of the HMG the night before trigger so that was a good thing. My follicles grew very slowly this month they dropped my medication so as to not overstimulate me but it also caused only 2 follies to mature and slowly at that. My Estrogen played games where it plateaued and it looked like I was going to be cancelled... Then they increased the dosage for a couple days and it doubled (which is good) and the follies finally grew to perfect size. They finally triggeered me on the 19th....that would be cd19 for those of you following along... Like I said LOOOOONG Cycle! I was anxious but excited about the inseminations... The timing was nice because it was on a long weekend and we didn't have to miss any work or carpool etc. First IUI went like clockwork, in and out great count (33 Million-YAY hubby!) So I had no reason to think that the second one would not go as smoothly. I went in and dropped off the sample picked up my mom (for support) and waited.. They called me in and I sat there and I was nervous but excited. I have been through this too many times now so I knew what to expect... Or so I thought!!! The count was 27 Million - Again YAY HUBBY!!! The Dr was chatting away and we were joking around and I noticed he was poking a lot but nothing was happening... (catheter being inserted into cervix and ultimately uterus) Weird I thought! After several attempts and apologies he said your cervix is tricky and its tilted I have to straighten it. (using a tenaculum) OK I have had this before... I can handle this. BUT wow he clamped on and the pain just surges through your cervix and uterus. I cannot explain it but it is beyond and OW and is very unexpected. Well this lasted for what felt like an eternity but was really only about 45 minutes total... I was bleeding a lot because of the constant clamping with these tools (apparently the first one didn’t work so he had to use another tool) which made things worse... Finally when I was about to ask for a break... My legs in the stirrups were like JELLO... He finally says ok I am in! DONE and then was kind enough to swab the cervix of the blood and mentioned I might spot for a while but it was ok. OK yup its ok.. Now that you are done!!! I went home and slept for a couple hours since I was so crampy and achy and even the next day I was still in pain. Cramps and spotting. I have everything crossed that this is our month. NO more nonsense..... I am getting so dam tired of all this. Last time it worked on our second round of IUIs. This is our third!!!! OK enough complaining I am sorry I am just moody and hormonal (thanks to the progesterone - 2 twice a day- up the wahoo another joyful experience!!)

The cycle that never ends!

CD 19 and I FINALLY got triggered. Who knew that 2 follicles could take so long to grow. It's been such an emotional rollercoaster this month. Maybe its back to back cycles or maybe its soo many hormones emotions run high or maybe its cause the drugs ran out this month and I am not sure i can afford another cycle but i am exhausted.. EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSCIALLY! Each time i have to prick myself with another injection I cringe, I take a deep breath and I plunge it in. My stomach aches... it just aches I am so tired... and I am hoping against hope that this is it. Hard to believe it was almost a year ago that I had the appt at Mt Sinai and my world flipped outside down. I hope that these 2 eggs work and that his count is great. This will be Tiffany's month I have already accepted that... but will it also be mine? i hope so. That would be so great a week apart. I want to scream and cry and yell out loud its my turn now dammit. This will be a LONG 2 weeks. I will check back in later

Mothers Day

Today is mothers day. Its not just a day to celebrate my mom and hubby's mom but its a sad day for me. Its a day that should be filled with smiles and laughter watching my girls learn to crawl and do all htose things little babies do. I remember last year on mother's day I was happy I loved knowing that I would be a mother soon and that next year I would have 2 little gifts that would help me celebrate this day. Instead I woke up this morning thinking how things could be different, things should be different!!! Here we are almost a year later and I am still without a child, without babies to hold, I am still wishing and hoping that our turn will come but sadly.... all I get is dissapointment and tears. I hope that next year's mothers day we have something to celebrate. I hope that we have what we yearn for...what we desire.... Its not that I want to replace my little girls because nothing and noone ever can or will... its just that they caused me to feel love, a love I never knew I was missing.. I feel like I had something taken away before I ever got to really enjoy or appreciate it. I need it, I desire it... I long for it!!!!!!!! So this morhters day for me is bittersweet.