4 Months

3 Months after I lost my girls my period finally came. I was sad but excited as well because we had made the decision to begin TTC again. I went the clinic with my head down scared and nervous and anxious all at once. In a way I had missed the people and I had missed the nurses, not the anxiety that came along with it. I purchased the gonal-f pen all excited to start trying again and I actaully looked forward to the daily pokes because they would be a step in the right direction.... But of course I got home that night and just as I was getting ready for the injection BOOM there was a voicemail cancelling my cycle. My estrogen level was 407 and it should be 50-80 pgl. I cried I threw things I knew it this is going to be the way its going to be..... its going to be all this shit all over again. O well due to the high estrogen my CM was EW and I spotted during what I thought to be ovulation so we TTC anyways (drug free) I got very nervous when my period was late and took a test but of course it was negative! Finally my period came on Saturday and along with it horrible cramps and pains in my back. I sucked it up but it didn't matter because it meant that on cd 3 we could come back to the clinic and start all over again. So off I went to the clinic this morning they took my blood I spoke with my favorite nurse and the Dr said good luck and off we we go. I check my messages at 3pm and OF course what happened? They cancelled my cycle because my estrogen is too high again... in fact its just as high as it was before...... There are no cysts and no symptoms to explain what could possibnly be wrong... so they want me to come back on Wedndesday morning to have them recheck my estrogen levels and then the DR will make a decision then. IF the estorgen is below 200 then I may be able to start the gonal-f then. (triple the dosage but maybe) or else I have to go on BIRTH CONTROL pills to try to level off my estrogen levels because you cannot conceive with them that high! I cannot believe this friggin useless body is doing this to me again. What the hell?? Have I not suffered enough? Apparently not! :(

The Ache

I refuse to post the actual pictures of my daughters however this is a fairly accurate portrayal of their size and beauty. I am considering purchasing 2 of these beautiful dolls from this place just so I have something to hold. I have reached the point in my grieving process where my arms actually ache to hold my daughters.

The Black Cloud & OTher Poems

The Black Cloud
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

It's raining again but only in my heart,
As I think about my girls lives not ever going to start
the black cloud sits on top of me more days than I can bare
As I think of what could have been & how you are over there
The raindrops shaped like teardrops keep falling on my head
How I wonder pray and wish that he had taken me instead
I want to scream out questions like why? how can this be
That you chose to take them away to be with you instead of stay with me
This should be by long awaited moment of happiness that I have finally found
Instead all I have is sadness, no babies crying, not a sound
So I walk around eyes open, broken hearted empty womb
With this black cloud above me thinking of my girls taken all too soon!


Gracie & Anna playing in the sun
O how I wish I was with you that be so much fun
How I long to hear your laughter and your cries
My arms O how they ache to hold you and sing a lullabye
These dreams I had for you left after you were gone
But my memories linger, they still carry on
I want to talk about you I want to tell the world
That I too am a mommy of 2 beautiful little girls
But when I think about you my eyes are filled with tears
for I remember how I lost you it already seems like years
Your daddy doesn't say much he says its time to move on
Cause that is what you would want not to cry from dusk to dawn
O how I want you with me rocking you side by side
I know you can't be with me but this I must confide
Some times I still feel you with me deep inside my womb
and though I know that cannot be I am comforted not doom & gloom
So if you hear me calling just smile even from afar
That's our mom she loves us still how very lucky we are
O how we love you mommy one day soon you will see
That we are up here safe in heaven part of God's big family
by: Shellie-Marie Kelly

We are still mommy & daddy just a different kind you see
for our babies aren't here with us in stead in heaven sleeping peacefully
playing in the clouds with all the other angels there
Sadly heaven is filled with angel babies it just doesn't seem to be fair
He chooses them to be with him for they are the chosen ones
We will again one day meet them as they are being warmed by the sun
They will run to us and with open arms will greet
Their mommy's and their daddy's we will all finally meet
They will tell us all the stories of how they watched from up above
And how they know though they were gone they were always truly loved
I look up to the blue sky, hoping they are watching me
As I smile and think about all the things that simply cannot be
All of us angel mommies and of course the daddy's too
Share a common bond of sadness knowing there is nothing we can do
Although we all walk around eyes wide open the pain will always be there
Thinking of our babies feeling a grief too hard to bear
We wonder what will happen what will the next day bring
For we will always love all of you special our little babies with wings!
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

The first day that we saw you, you were just a tiny yolk sac
I smiled and looked at your daddy couldn't wait till we came back
The next time that we saw you I lay there excited on the bed
As the nurse told your daddy & mommy there's not one but two instead
I admit I was scared at first but ddady said that we would be fine
For how many people are so lucky to blessed with two children and one time?
The next few months we saw you growing and squirming all around
Everyone was so excited to meet you, your tiny heartbeats the best sound
Then the doctors told us you were special sharing your tiny room
And we needed to be prepared for you we would meet you way too soon
Each day I sat and listened could you sense your mommy's dispair?
I never stopped loving you even when the pain became too much to bear
Then the day came upon us we went to see you one last time
That day we learned Grace had left us and there was not even a sign
But still we kept on hoping that Anna would make it through
And mome & dad left helpless for there was nothing we could do
Then one morning I woke up empty knowing she too was gone
And I wondered how I would get through it how was I to carry on?
The labour was horrendous the grief numbed by my pain
Those moments gone forever, now washed out by the rain
I really felt you coming even thought so silent and still
and people just kept saying not meant to be for it was God's will
I told the nurse you were here what an eerie feeling for me
For there lay a sac with two babies inside laying there silently
The nurse took you away at first then brought you to my arms
Even thought you were tiny you were both perfect you were safe from harm
Your dad and I we held you, the first moments of knowing true love
We had to let you go so you could rest for you belonged with God above
You will always be on our minds and will be forever in our heart
My sweet little angel babies we will never be apart
Although consumed with sadness I am still lucky you see
For not all moms see their angels so for that well lucky me
I will carry you forever in my empty broken womb
For one day we will meet again my angels gone too soon!

Love Mommy (Shellie-Marie Kelly)

My thoughts they all start drifting, till I am further and further away
Knwoing that if things had been different you would be here with me today
And as I sit and ponder and think of what could have been
I think if how my life is so different O the horrible things I have seen
Too many broken hearts and way too many tears
How we will never forget you but the grief will lessen through the years
I want to remember your face tiny fingers tiny toesd
But when I think about how I lost you I feel an emptiness only an angel mother knows
Each moment you are not with me I die a little deep inside
My sadness fileed with tears a grief I just cannot hide
Why has this happened to me? Am I not destined to be a mom
Please my daughters hlep me through this until your baby sibling comes
And when that day is upon us and true happiness it brings
I still will always have you in my heart my little girls with wings!

By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

How can you heal a broken heart that broke 4 months ago
How can you make a smiling face I'm not afraid to show
How can you fill and empty womb when noone can replace
How can I move on with my life without Anna and Grace?
Where have all the good times gone and when will they return
Where have all the moments gone whenever will we learn?

How can you heal a broken heart that will never mend
When will the joy & happiness return and all my sadness end?
Will there be a day in my life when I won't share a tear
Wihsing things that cannot be like you are with me here?
That day in June my dreams collapsed I'll never be the same
Cause on the day you were gone I learned the true meaning of pain
Every day since has been blackI wonder around in the dark
Knowing the scars although internal have left an indellible mark
The tears shed like falling rain more frequent than before
Please know although I carry on you are both in my heart forever more!

By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

The day I learned you were gone my world came to an end
For I begain to realize that this broken heart will never mend
I begged God up above to tell me it was only a dream
Indtead I got no answer, instead total silence causing me to scream
You have taken so much from me already please don't take this too
But my begs and pleas were futile there was nothing I could do
Don't tell me it wasn't meant to be that they are better gone
Cause it hurts me that much more and its harder for me to move on
Each day I wake up thinking it was dream only to see what's real
That I am now all alone with no babies and I have to try to deal
With unending sadness & sorrow that seem to envelop my every day
Taking all my strength to get our of bed but somehow still find a way
I still cry tears of sadness as my due date draws ever near
Wating my girls with me not in heaven but instead right here
I knew this pregnancy would be difficult but I could never know
What was about to happen to me, I would have to let you go
The last time that we saw you, you made your daddy and I cry
As one lay there so silently while the other waved goodbye
Now all I have is memories of the short time you spent in me
I'll treasure them forever you'll always be part of our family
Although you sprouted tiny wings and flew to heaven up above
You'll always be our daughters the angels that we love
So while you look down on us remember we loved you from the start
And although you're there up in heaven we will never be apart!

By:Shellie-Marie Kelly

Our babies in heaven playing in the sky
while was are down here on earth wondering why
Why did he take you away from us then
The moments running through my head over and over again
I learned about angels so long ago
I fell like a fool how could I not know
Nothing goes right this too will be taken away
When I least expect it I won't even know the day
How foolish I was to think you would be there
You never listen to me do you even care?
How can you do this to my broken soul
So many things have happened they will surely take their toll
If a baby is a blessing form a God of love
What shoould I think when he calls them to be with him up above
Am I not worthy tell me what have I done
To anger a God who is as bright as the sun
I promis I will be better I will do waht I deserve
Please give me a blessing and to him I will finally serve
By:Shellie-Marie Kelly


I have a small room where nobody goes
Behind the closed door nobody knows
Heartbreak and heartache are hiding in there
Noone will enter nobody would dare
The room sits slent where 2 angels rest
On top of the bookshelf... he only takes the best
To open the the door you feel the air is cold
Their sprits are there they will never get old
A constant reminder of that sad June day
When we met them then they were taken away
Only I can go in there and all the stories tell
Of my life since they left us how its been my idea of hell
Though Daddy he loves you he can't bear to speak
Of how much he misses you he thinks he is too weak
They are resting at home back where they belong
We can't wait till we see you we know it is wrong
So the room will stay silent cold and bare
Till we fill it with laughter and you too will share
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

Mommy' arms are empty with no babies to hold
Winter is now coming its starting to get cold
Daddy's heart is broken his shattered dreams on the floor
As he thinks of his daughters and no more family of four
Mommy's womb is empty she walks around all alone
No more kicking or movements no more belly grown
Daddy may not show it but he'll never be the same
His loss is hidden deep in his heart tille he sees his girls again
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

Christmas is coming but I really don't care
For you are not with me it just isn't fair
This year would be different I remember I said
O the fun we will have now all my hopes are dead
My dreams area ll shattered locked in a room
For my girls are not with me just an empty womb
I want to run away and never look back
Forget about the day it all turned to black
I want to sit in the chair ricking our babies to sleep
I never knew pain could cut through so deep
I don't want giftts I want what I cannot get
My baby girls ere I would be forever in your debt
Why bother wishing for things that cannot be
Well its all that I want my girls home here with me
So the snow can keep falling I'll still fall apart
Then everyone can feel the coldness in my heart.
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

Since I Lost My Girls

Since I lost my girls my days have been filled with sadness and emptiness. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I have these moments during that day that I have a sensation... almost like a pee sensation... Gotta go gotta go right now.... you know what I mean? Instead of pee what flows out of me is poetry... poems about my feelings and my thoughts about my life now without my girls. I have pages of poems and I have decided to post them on here. There may be some people who understand what losing a child is like and I hope they see poetry is a useful outlet for your pain. I will post them as often as I can.