Happily ever after... I sat and watched a movie last night... made of honour.. Your typical chick flick... leaves you feeling like something is missing in your life. I started thinking of how the day I got married I had those butterflies and those incredible thoughts and feelings.. the thoughts of how wonderful the future will be and how naive I really was back then. You stand in front of God and your families promising to stay together through thick and through thin till death do you part. What happens when the tough times come? DO you ever really think about what you will do when the worst thing happens? When the tough times come? You think, you want to believe that love your LOVE will be enough and will pull you through it all. The reality is that it won't its your faith that will. I don't just mean faith in the biblical sense.. although a little of that won't hurt either. Faith that the person you love the person you married in front of God and all your friends is who you need and who you want who will stick with you through all the tough times and they won't turn and leave when things get tough. They will be your strength and help you become a better person because it was meant to be and your faith in each other and your love for one another will be enough to pull you back from the depths of despair. There are so many tests, deaths, births, heartaches, those damn emotions are so difficult to control. You hurt in ways you never thought possible because you love this person, they would never do anything to hurt you... at least not intentionally. The truth is that when you fall in love you let your feelings and emotions cloud your better judgement and your lust because really alot of love is made up of lust... fool you into believing that nothing can ever tear you apart or break you up. When you feel lonely or sad this person will be there to pick you up and help you out, make everything better. What happens when that is all gone and you are stuck. Do you fight and hope the person changes or do you turn your back on all you believed was right? Do you lose your faith and your hope? Is there something that can heal a broken heart? How do you know when enough is enough and its time to accept it? How dare these movies make everything look like its all happily ever after when really its more unhappily ever after... More like how much heartbreak and dissapointment can a marriage take? Let the truth be known sometimes LOVE isn't enough.... sometimes love is not all flowers and roses its hard work and its heartache!!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Monday, April 06, 2009
At the end of the tunnel is there a light or is it just dimming slowly?
Have you ever wondered what life would be like 10 years into your marriage? Well I always thought that we would be happily married with 2 kids and a house. Reality is a cruel bitch! 10 years married and we have spent the better part of our 10 year marriage trying to have a baby and going through infertility treatments. I fear that now we have to accept the truth... we cannot have children and must scrap the plans we had but the question remains can we survive just the two of us? Is there really life after unsuccessful TTC? I want to say that we can and there is but I am starting to fear that is no thte case. I have lost all interest in BD or any kind of D!! He is miserable and therefore I am miserable... I am scared that without children we will soon realize that we have nothing in common anymore and will grow apart. After everything we have been through I have always thought and believed we could overcome anything and jump any obstacle but I am just not that sure anymore. I think about our future and I am not seeing that happy future I always had seen before, I am scared to even think about how lonely our future is going to be. I have always had hope.. I believe there is still hope but what is really scary is that lately I have been having some very odd things going on with my body. I am having hot flashes and moodiness and NO and I mean TMI HERE LADIES ...... NO LIBIDO! Get away from me isn't even close to what I feel... I hate my life... it is total crap.. i have crappy feelings and feeling of dread and sadness constantly! I do have a dr appt this week because I have had an MIA AF for the past 7 or 8 months... so I am thinking that has something to do with it (lack of AF), maybe its a hormone thing . BUT I am worried that I am going through perimenopause. IF I go through menopause I have nothing left... no hope.. no faith nothing. There is nothing in this world more scary to me than that...
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