My little Nemo

I am so lucky to have my sister, I screwed up our relationship last year I became so self involved I feel like I became a selfish person that wasn't there for her when I needed her. So when my heart broke on June 28th and they told me that my embryos had slowed down and they couldn't put any in I did the one thing I knew. I reached out to my sister. I was lucky that she was off and able to come with me. We arrived at the clinic early and go set up in the back room. I put on my gown and hat and booties....I was shaking I was so nervous. What if they came into the room again and told me none survived?? At least I would have Tiffy with me. The nurse came in and asked Tiffy if she wanted to come in and we both said YES! So she got all gowned up with a hat and gown and booties and mask... I wish I had taken a picture we must have looked so funny. We walked into the OR and I got up on the table and they checked me to see if my bladder was full... I knew it was because I was having the pee shivers. They asked me if I wanted to empty a little before they called the dr and I said no I am fine. The dr came in and he had this look on his face. It wasn't good news. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. None survived the night did they? He explained that out of 16 successfully fertilized eggs that he was shocked that only 1 made it. But it was a grade 2 8 cell and that is still pretty good. Tiffy grabbed my hand and held it tight. I said OK lets go ahead with it. He put my legs in stirrups and cleaned my cervix and then put in the catheter. Then on the screen he showed us the uterus and te lining was at 15mm and then we could see the catheter go in and on the screen... then the embryologist left and went to go get the embryo. He came back with this long tube with the embryo loaded in it and then within seconds you could see it flickering on the screen and moving up the tube... then he deposited it at a nice thick part of the lining. To quote my sister it was like the webbing being shot out of spiderman... zoom right into there. I named it Nemo... like in the movie. He was the only egg that survived after the shark came and attacked the nest. So this is my Nemo. It survived after its 16 brother and sisters didn't. I have placed all my eggs (egg) in one basket and all my hopes and dreams are relying on that little embryo. Soon time will tell if its all for naught....but my hopes tell me this is it. I am on progesterone 3x a day, and prometrium 3 at bedtime, and estrace 3x a day. All these hormones to help it grow and flourish. Because of all the hormones I feel pregnant again. Its a strange feeling for me...it brings with it alot of emotions and memories about last year. I remember the tender boobs, and the cramps and aches and pains. I remember being hungry and nauseous all at once. I remember tummy growling at me because it needed food and I would pet it and talk to them and tell them mommy was working on it. Soon you would have food... Now with every growl I talk to Nemo. I actually talk to Nemo alot. I tell it to stay strong and to keep growing. I am paranoid and I am scared that I am going to do something wrong to screw it all up. I really hope that all this paranoia is for a good reason. I feel terrible that I didn't do anything special to celebrate the birth of my daughters. I went back and forth on it so many times. Do I do something or don't I, what can I possibly do that will make up for the loss and heartache I still feel? Then all this IVF business came up and my embryo transfer was scheduled for that day. One year to the day I gave birth I was going to be implanted with new life. I decided that this was a sign from Grace and Anna. They were ok with me moving on and that was a great tribute to them. Then when everything went wrong... I was confused again. Is this another sign that it's not meant to be? Or that they just wanted that day to be special for them only? I am so filled with emotions and sadness and confusion. I spent some time talking to them and being in the nursery with them and that felt good. I love that they are home with us and that I can touch them and be with them. This is my way of honouring them. I am moving forward. I am moving on. I am learning to love again and I am hopefully pregnant with their brother or sister.