My First Egg Retrieval

Well the day finally came I was nervous and scared and shaky I went into the clinic and turned in huby's sample and then told them I was there. They called us back and it was like opening a door to a whole other place. There were leather chairs and gowns it was like a hospital. She told me to empty my bladder and change into the gown and cap and put the footsies on over my socks then they would start the IV. I changed and came out and got comfy... She brought me a sedative to help calm me down, just place it under your tongue she said well by the time I got it under my tongue it had melted.... then she started the IV and asked if he would be ok to watch and I said sure he is fine with you torturing me its just when you torture him he cannot take. HA HA! She put in the IV and almost immediately lead me into the OR. The room was smaller than I thought but it was ice cold. I was soooo glad i wore socks. I sat up on the bed and then she put my legs in these leg stirrups... it felt really bizarre. I was a little weirded out by it but it was ok.... shortly after a nurse came in and asked me for my name and birthdate and then the Dr and the a few other nurses came in. One of the ladies was from my old clinic was there she was going to be the ultrasound tech for the procedure. He started the IV and told me I needed to remain calm... remain calm.. hahaha here I am on display with a room full of people and my knees are knocking and I am supposed to remain calm.. haha TURN UP THE IV! LOL! He put in the speculum and pinched me and instead of saying OW I just let it go... then i felt the probe go in and alot of pressure and he would say great job Shell we got 2 eggs o another 4 eggs etc.. it was really neat and yet scary as hell. Then he said OK girls push and they were all pushing on my right side i guess to separate the eggs...for easier retrieval. I thought this isn't so bad.. then he went to the other side.. and I barely remember that. It was all over and he said I did a great job. I thought to myself... thank you morphine! I am sure I will feel it later. They were able to retrieve 16 eggs. Then the embryologist came in and said he had some concerns about hubbys sperm. His count was great but the morphology wasnt and he had some concerns. He recommended ICSI a procedure where they would physically insert the sperm into the egg for fertilization he said it would greatly increase the chances. OK well I needed to talk to hubby so I said let me chat with him he is in recovery waiting for me. I got out and I could hardly talk... I was soo nauseous and I felt like I was going to hurl. I just looked at him and he said I heard... How much is it going to cost. 1K they said. OK off he went to pay... I am not sure if it was the drugs or the shock ... but I was going to drop on the floor.. I lay back and tried to remain calm but he had to grab a little blue container for me to be sick in. Poor hubby he has seen me sick so many times. I was sick and couldn't believe how ill i was. The nurse came in and gave me some gravol in the iv and then I asked her to take the IV out once I was feeling better. Once she took it out I was feeling much better and eventually I was even able to get dressed and slowly get up. I was in so much pain I couldn't beleive it. I could hardly stand. I slowly made my way to the door and hubby bought me my suppositories and took me home. I came home and slept for 4 hours. That was yesterday and I am still in a lot of pain but I am able to get up and down easier now and I am going to attempt to return to work tomorrow. The embryologist called today and told us that of the 16, 13 eggs were mature and were fertilized, however only 7 have survived. I am keeping my fingers crossed that they make it and at our transfer on Thursday morning we are able to put in 2 or 3 embryos.
On that note. This Thursday June 28th the day of the embryo transfer is one year ago I gave birth to my twin girls. I am trying to think that this is a positive sign. That my girls are smiling at me from heaven and laughing at the irony. Someone certainly should be!

For more details http://www.ohiorepromed.com/icsi.htm

Well i continued on this month after deciding that this was our last month and pretty much resigning myself to believing that this IUI would be our last but still holding out hope. THen today I went in for the ultrasound and this is what they saw! Now for those reading this and are in my world of fertility you know that there are just too many eggs to continue on the iui route. I have officially switched to IVF. I am scared and nervous and excited all at once. Not sure what to think or how to react.

How do you know when enough is enough?

This month has been a broken hearted mess. The amount of money that I have spent on medications I could have bought a NEW CAR! I have cried so many tears I could have made my own moat around my house. I am so tired of being let down, I am so sorry that I am such a failure. It is impossible to go down thie same road time and time again and expect different results.. is that not the very definition of insanity... to do the same thing 100 times and expect different results. Am I insane? My family seems to think so. Month after month of dissapointments and heartbreak my husband is ready to leave me he just cannot take any more. And for me I would never quit.. never!! I cannot accept that my birth of those girls last year is the only birth experience i will ever have. I cannot accept that the only baby I will ever have are ashes in pink boxes in the empty nursery filled with baby clothes and baby toys that will never be used. I am so lost, lost in my heartache and heartbreak. Tomorrow I turn 31, at 31 I expected to have had my children by now. Here I am 6 years later still with empty arms and still with a hole where my heart should be. I miss my baby girls... I miss them every second of every minute of every day. My beloved Grace died a year ago on my birthday... it breaks my heart to know that she has been gone from my life for a year and it feels like it was yesterday.. I still remember feeling them move around inside me, I remember talking to them. Telling them mommy would stay strong for them and that she would never leave them alone or hurt them. They died inside of me after being strong for 5 months.... I held them and told them I loved them. My desire for children is so much stronger than the fear I have of pain and suffering. All I do is suffer and cry and hurt. I am in so much pain from all the injections (3 months back to back), my ovaries ache and my stomach hurts. I have put on so much weight and suffered through so many painful procedures and tests. All I want to do is have a baby.. should it be so difficult? Should I really have to spend thousands of dollars and have to inject hormones daily? NO! This is utterly ridiculous and I am sick and tired of it! How do I know when enough is enough?? When the pain takes over the sanity and causes me to realize that I will go into debt and probably lose my husband... that is when! So with that... this is our last month. We are out of money, out of time and out of hope! Never out of love and will always crave what I cannot have. A baby of my own.