Another Broken Promise!!

Every time I go back to the clinic for a day 3 ultrasound I feel like I wipe the slate clean to try again. I wash away the hurt and the pain and the suffering that may have been caused by the last dissapointment. I think about how last time it worked on the second try and its just a matter of time for us. I prepare myself for the injections and the hundreds (well it certainly feels like hundreds!!) of appointments. I think about the time and money I spend on chasing the elusive dream of becoming a mommy. I cry alot between when I get the BFN and my next day 3. Its a sadness that I never had before....before I knew what I was missing. Before I knew the joys of feeling a miracle (or 2) grow inside you and move inside you. Before our world came crashing down and we learned the true meaning of pain and sadness. I miss my girls every second of every day.... I want to show them that I can be a good mommy and I will suffer through hell and back to get it if that is what it takes! Each month I make a promise to myself. I promise myself no matter what I will not get my hopes up, I will not have my heart broken all over again. And each month I break that promise to myself. It starts simple, tender boobs or nausea one day. Then you start to think.. hmm maybe this means something... then as each day passes other strange things happen to your body and before you know it you are adamant that this is it! I am pregnant and now I just have to wait for that beta to tell me what I already know.... and then you go for that bloodtest and the results come back in the voice of a chinese girl... Your test came back negative see you on day 3! You want to jump out the window... you want to scream and cry and yell... just hit something, anything anyone just to stop the tears from flowing as you realize you did it again. You broke that promise. Your got your heart broken! Next time will be different..... But really will it?? I doubt it at this point. So I go off the prometrium now and I wait for AF to come to go for my day 3 ultrasound when I will be told that I have numerous cysts and must wait a cycle. SO Now I wait till JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That seems so far away!

1 Year ago...Easter meant something different

It was a year ago that we found out the girls were twins and we gave the family framed pictures of the sonogram for Easter. It is unbelievable that it has been a year already. I year ago we were over the moon excited about the prospect of having babies and here we are a year later and we are back trying to have a baby. So far this cycle i have 15 follicles on the left side and 15 on the right... but only 1 egg that is big enough to count..so far... It only takes one! All the injections and the swelling in the ovaries will all be worth it. I ache and I swell, i become a raving lunatic all in search for a baby, and even after everything we have been through I still say it is worth it. Totally Worth IT!
Men have no idea what it islike to be poked and prodded, and examined and have to self inject daily. It isn't on my top 10 things of what I like to do yet I continue to do it... and I will until I am successful. I hope that this our month. I need it to be our month, I am tired and I am sore and tender. O how I long to hold my own child in my arms, to hear the sounds of my tiny newborn baby, to look into Roy's eyes and see the happiness and conentment that only a father can have and display. I am not drinking alcohol, no caffeine. I am eating salds for dinner I am trying really hard to be a good body, give it something healthy to grow in. I cannot believe that I am back at this point....the point where I get up in the morning and I have something to look forward to, a goal that I am working to achieve. It makes the month go by fast and it helps me to focus on the task at hand. Next weekend should be the insemination and then the dreaded 2ww I really don't find the 2ww so hard because again the wait is a great thing..... the moments before we find out if we are going to be parents.... Soon enough....but not soon enough for me!
I will update again soon... Time to head over to the in-laws for dinner.