Precious Little Ones

Precious Little Ones

Precious, tiny little ones
You'll always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent
Part of heaven's family.

We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother, He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our children,
The children that we had.

But now your gone.... but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong,
We'll forget you never.
The children we had but never had,
And yet will have forever.

Unkown Author

Sad Days Ahead For Us

Anna Waving goodbye to us after we found out Grace was gone... that is Grace's leg in the picture..... Anna died 2 days later.

So much has happened since my last post. We were all excited to go to the hospital for our big ultrasound but when we got there our lives changed forever. They came and got me and began the ultrasound and she said the babies are measuring small....so it won't be the big ultrasound with the video this time around. I said that's ok as long as my babies are ok...... and she responded well I cannot tell you that the dr will have to discuss that with you. What an odd response I thought... but I let it go and chocked it up to being a long day for her. Eventually she went and got "Daddy" and brought him back in to the room with me. We sat and waited and waited and waited...... reminded us of Mt Sinai all over again. I started to worry... something must be wrong if its taking this long for the radiologist to discuss the pictures with her. Then eventually she came back with the radiologist who had this terrible look on his face. He turned to us and said I am very sorry to tell you one of your twins has died. Well I just wanted to scream... but instead I decided to be strong. So I said OK well we knew that was a possibility so what does this mean to the survivor? How did it die? When did it die? I just started to ramble off questions at this poor man. He couldn't answer any. He gave us options of going to talk to an OB in the hospital which we declined and I said I would prefer to talk to Dr Smith since he understands our situation... He kept apologizing then left. He was shaky and sad and we appreciated that e was human. The girl came back in and said I am so sorry for your loss would you still like to see the survivor? I looked at Roy and said O yes please. So she began the ultrasound. Instan tly we could see the other one swimming and waving at us... it was incredible. She asked us if we wanted to know what they were and we both said yes. They are GIRLS! Well you could have just knocked me over with a feather! GIRLS! My dream come true. We saw the survivor flourishing and she looked really good... her heart was beating and she was waving at us! We even counted her fingers it was so clear! The lady asked us if we wanted to see the other one and I said yes I wanted to. There she lay motionless, no heartbeat, her sister swimming by her probably wondering why she wasn't playing anymore.... It was a really sad moment and thats when I think it began to really hit us. There was no beautiful heartbeat anymore, she wasn't swimming about frolicking around with her sister like we saw at the last ultrasound. This was my nightmare come true! :( Roy and I couldn't get out of that hospital fast enough... we practically ran out with our picture of the survivor in one hand and our hands clasped so tightly in the other... I put on my sunglasses as soon as we existed the ultrasound room because I could feel the tears stinging my eyes already. We got to the car and Roy just turned and grabbed me and we had a good cry together. It was so unfair. Now I had to walk around with a deceased babby inside me. IT was horrible. I felt her shift everytime I moved...It was the worst feeling.... or so I thought. We came home and cried and tried to accept that this had happened but realize we still had one in there and we just needed to focus on her. We got out the baby name book and we looked online for a name for our little angel. It took almost 24 hours but we came up with Grace Elizabeth. It was so perfect for her. My mother came over to try to make me feel better on Friday and we relaxed and things almost felt normal. She broke down telling me that I need to focus on our surviving little girl and just keep my strength up for her. I tried to explain that I felt that she too would pass soon but everyone just chocked it up to me being negative. I woke up on Saturday morning and I felt odd. I didn't feel that I was pregnant anymore. I knew that the other one had passed too. I tried to explain it but noone would listen to me. A mother knows.... We kept to ourselves pretty much over the weekend just trying to gather our strength and to focus on our little survivor...We had an appt with Dr Smith on Monday and then we would know better what is what and where we stood. We went to his office on Monday and we discussed our options and how unfortunately this is such a rare case that they cannot even give you percentages of whether she would survive. He said well would you like to hear her heartbeat? I said sure if there is one there. As soon as he puut the doppler on my belly I knew. There was nothing. Alot of noise from the placenta but that was it. He rushed us into the ultrasound room saying she could just be hiding.... but once the screen popped up I knew. She too was gone. They were both motionless, no heartbeat no movement at all. He looked at me and said do you know which one had passed last Thursday? Yes I said this one but it looks like both are gone now. He shook the belly hoping she was just sleeping but he knew. The ultrasound tech looked at him with a sad face and shook her head and then he teared up and said well... we won't be sending you to Mt Sinai afterall excuse me. He left and came back shortly afterwards. He looked so sad. He kept apologizing to us and then Roy came over and just gave me a great big hug. We both cried it was so sad. I apologized to him and siad I didn't want to be right I am so sorry. The lady said I need to talk some measurements of them do you mind? I said it was no problem that they could do whatever they needed to do. The Dr then discussed with me that they would try to get me into the hospital as soon as possible so we could induce the labour. LABOUR?? WHAT? Its not enough that I have lost my precious girls but now I have to go throught LABOUR PAIN?? I couldn't believe it and I asked them to get me in as soon as possible. I didn't like the thought that I was a walking tomb for my girls. They then put us in this little consultation room so we could be alone and deal with what had just happened. Roy looked over and saw a book and on the pages was written ANNA. He looked over at me and said thats it. Thats her name! I was getting frustrated with him because I couldn't see it. WHAT NAME?? WHERE? FINALLY I saw it. You want to name her Anna? That's a beautiful name. We left the hospital and were so sad. We discussed what we were going to do. Roy decided to go back to work the next day until they could get me into the hospital and I agreed. Tuesday I was sitting on the couch and started to have cramps and back pain. I had no idea what the heck it was. I just put the heating pad on it and hoped it would go away. They called and said the hospital wasn't available yet so maybe Wednesday. The pain got worse throughout the day and I got more and more concerned. When Roy came home I couldn't walk. I was doubled over in pain and begged him to help me to the hot bath maybe that would help. Finally after the bath I realized that my stomach had dropped... OMG I am labour! I called Tiffany to confirm and she said she suspected that was what it was too. I came down with my bag packed and asked Roy to take me to the hospital. They never told us it could start on our own so he wasn't sure it was real. I paged Dr Smith and he confirmed that was what it was and to head to Emergency right away. Dr Gysler was on duty and he would call him and make him aware of the sitauation and they would meet me in Emergency. We drove to the hospital and when we arrived the place was packed! OMG I was in panic mode and I was scared. While we were waiting I overheard a nurse say if Shellie xxxx comes to register her right away as they are waiting for her. So Roy said did you say Shellie xxxxx? She said yes.. thats us. They resgistered us right away and we were sent downstairs to the basement. They had a room waiting for us. We got there and waited for a short while before Dr G came in. Well I had the shock of my life today he said. I am so sorry. I was just so relieved that it was a Dr who knew us so I felt better. OK he said get changed into the gown go pee and then I will give you the pills. OK I am ready I thought. He has been up there countless times before so it won't hurt. He shoved teh pills up and said goodbye he would be back at 2am for the next dose. Instantly I started shaking and feeling sick. Great. Its going to be one of those hospital moments. I couldn't stop shaking no matter how many blankets they gave me and then I finally started to calm down and was able to just lay there and watch as my tummy dropped. Roy finally opened the cot and fell asleep pretty fast. We didn't know how long it would be so I figured we both should get some sleep. HA! I didn't sleep for 5 minutes the entire night. I was scared and sad. The nurse came in at 2:30am and said Dr G wants you to take 2 pills orally instead this time. OK. I can do that. I took them and she left. Immediately the shakes began but this time I also started to throw up. GREAT! The nurse came in and said O dear are you ok. I was so sick I couldn't stop shaking or puking. HMM maybe its the pills??? Well they left me alone for hours and hours. Noone checked on me. I went to bathroom and I tried to push them out on my own since the nurse had left me with the impression that was what I was to do. I was simply asked to use the containers not let them drop in the toilet. Nothing worked I would push and nothing would come..... except diarrhea. LOTS OF IT! At one point I was laying in bed and said to Roy OMG I think I just crapped the bed. He lifted the sheets and said O sweetie you did. I was covered. He helped me up and changed me and got a new gown and started to change the sheets and blankets for me then went out to get the nurse.... she came in and said ave you eaten? NO they said I couldn't eat when I was admitted at 9pm that night so I haven't. Instantly she gave me an IV. This isn't good.... you need nutrients in your body she said. She was a wonderful nurse. Her name was Chantal. She checked on me several times an hour and when she gave me the second dose of the pills orally she witnessed first hand how sick I got. OK we cannot give them to you orally anymore she said. I agreed. THANK YOU! We will have Dr Jong come down and give you the next dose teh proper way. OK. Dr Jong was another Dr from ISIS. I thought that was funny. She was very sweet. She asked us if these were babies or fetus to us and we instantly responded babies. These are our beautiful girls. We want to see them after as well. That told her where our heads were at too. She would come in and help me with anything I needed. When Dr Jong eventually came in to insert the pills he alsoo decided to stretch my cervix with his hand...(Although I feel it was his fist) It hurt like nothing before. I was lifting off the bed and he was getting frustrated with me. Chantal came over and held my hand and rubbed my back and said its ok relax. Its almost done. She gave me shots of demarol with Gravol mixed in to help with the pain and throwing up and she was wondefully attentive to me. Shortly after Dr Jong left teh contractions kicked into high gear. WOW I never knew pain like that existed! I would roll onto my side and grab onto the bed rails and just push.... it hurt so much! Roy was on the bed with me rubbing my back and Chantal was on the other side with me rubbing my thighs and telling me to breathe... It went on for about 2 hours and then just as quickly as it started there they were, I felt them come out. At 6:55PM I said they are here they are here. She loooked and said ok good, keep pushing they are almost out. What was funny is that they came out with the sac completely intact still. My water never broke! Poor Roy he saw them. I had this urge to ask if they were ok but I knew they weren't. She was so respectful she took the sac and placed them in the container she had brought had pierced the membrane and took the girls out one by one. Unfortunately I was busy thowing up so I missed that moment. Roy was still on the bed with me and he had this sad look in his face. He originally didn't want to see them. He thought that would be too hard. But now he was there and he was looking at them. Lying there on the bed. Our daughters. Grace Elizabeth and Anna Marie Kelly. They were here! Chantal took them out of the room to clean them up and asked me to go and see if I could psuh out the placenta. I said OK I wil try. I went and it almost came out. Chantal came in and brought us our bundle of babies. They were wrapped in a blanket and when you unwrapped them there they were placed in tiny little robes. They were the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life. I wanted to hold them and caress them and kiss them, I wanted to tell them how much I loved them and how our lives will never be the same without them in it. But I couldn't stop thorwing up and I was bleeding pretty heavily. Roy grabbed the camera and took a couple pictures and then the nurse heard me throwing up again and came in. She checked the bleeding and said she was concerned and had called the Dr. Roy and I thanked her so much for our time with our girls. We were only abe to be with them for a very short time but were so greatful we had that. We both touched them and told them how much we loved them before they were taken away. Chantal had stayed past her shift just to make sure that she was there for us during the delivery and told us she would go now but to take care of ourselves. We thanked her for that and she presented us with the robes they were wrapped in. The next thing I knew another nurse was in there and wiping me down and I was told I had to go for a D&C to control the bleeding and because the placenta was stuck. I was frightened and still sick. Dr Smith came down to get me personally and then we went up to the OR. I threw up in the elevator again.... and then it was so quick, filled out some forms, they took some blood and I was whisked off for surgery. Poor Roy didn't know what was going on.... I mean we just had the babies and now this!? I had to sign a blood transfusion form because they thought I had lost too much blood.. Once we got in the OR it was fast and I was out in a matter of minutes. All went well and when I came out Roy was in the recovery room waitng for me. It was over. I had 2 IVs and they took me back to my room and Roy and I just lay there... he moved the cot closer to me so we could be together. We had just experienced the single most incredible yet most painful thing in our lives together. But we survived. They had me on pitocin for the night and when I woke up I was ready to go. Once breakfast came I ate... O it was so good to eat again! And I asked if we were going home. They said that the Dr just wnated to run through that bag into your IV so if we wanted to we could go. They took out the IVs and I changed and we packed up and were ready to go home. All I wanted to do was come home.... and yet it was so hard to leave the hospital without our girls. We had made special arrangements to have them picked up and taken to Turner and Porter to have them cremated. My mother made the arrangements for us and Thank God for her. They were picked up in a lambskin lined casket together and were brought back to the funeral home. Where they will be dressed and special things will be placed inside with them. Including this blog. It was always meant to be with them so now it will be for eternity. Later next week we will get the urns with our girls inside and finally they will be home with us. All I want right now is to have them home with us. Evenutally they will be buried with mommy and daddy since that is where they belong. They may be gone but will never be forgotten! They are in our hearts for all eternity and I believe we will see them again someday but for now they are with my grandmother in heaven. We will love them forever and for always and as long as we are living our babies they will be. Now we just have to move past it and move on but they will always be in our hearts! We love you Grace and Anna never doubt that. May you rest in peace.

Love Mommy and Daddy.