Like tossing out 3 dozen eggs.....

From the very beginning I just knew something wasn't right. I didn't want my heart to know what my mind already did. This was just not meant to be. The pain the actual physical pain was getting worse each day and I knew it was too early... then the amount of (TMI) CM was astonishing... I know all too well what that means! I went to my appointment and I was in and out in less than an hour.... A new record for me! When I was there I was starting to feel more sick than the day before.. I was just so nauseous.. and my lower abdomen was killing me.. I came home and changed and crawled right back into bed with my hubby... He woke up and said OMG did you miss your appointment.. then I laughed and said nope been there and I am back already. We spent another half hour just lying in bed.. eventually I had to get up and get dressed but I just felt so crappy.. I cannot really explain it.. I just felt so sick and so sore.. but again I pushed those thought deep down. We went and got groceries and then came home and he pulled out the 2 evergreen trees in the front yard. They had grown too tall and looked soo odd in the front flower bed. He wanted to do something good for the environment so he decided to drive an hour or two away and plant them somewhere up North. Here is a picture of before and after they are planted.

I stayed in the car hoping the fresh air and drive would help me feel better. The seatbelt was a little loose so that I could breathe more comfortably.. for the record it didn't help. We wanted to drop off a card for my sister since it was her birthday but once we got in touch with her she invited us over for dinner so we had to come home and change.. besides I had to come home to get my medication to bring it and take it. We came home and I checked my voicemail and there it was the voicemail I had been dreading. It was a message from the clinic saying that my estrogen level shot up (you don't say!!?-with meds that hight how could it not!?) and they needed to cancel the cycle... they didn't realize how "sensitive" I would be to the medication.. who in the hell do you think you are talking to!? I have been on Gonal-f for the better part of what 4 or 5 years... ALMOST ALL OF WHICH WAS AT YOUR CLINIC! We all knew I was sensitive the meds.. I have many cancelled cycles to prove it! BUT HEY IVF is just gonna kick my body in gear and magically I won't be sensitive. YA RIGHT! SO NOW I blew $1000 in meds that did nothing but make me miserable to be around and feel like crap... great! Now the cycle is cancelled, I am totally and completely devastated and in soo much pain I am taking aspirin... and anyone who knows me knows it must be pretty fucking bad for me to be taking pain medicaton! I am pissed off obviously but I feel like I was fooling myself and I was stupid to think that anyone else would know my body better than I do! I feel angry and sad and I just want to crawl under a rock.. but I don't have that luxury. Waht I have is time.. time to focus on the next cycle... of course that will probably be cancelled too because now that I have 35 follicles that were growing... who knows what will happen... I will either have a really heavy period OR I will have to take the damn provera AGAIN to bring it on. Seems like an awful waste to me. I just hope none turn into cysts! I sucked it up because I do love my sister and this is a time now that maybe she needs me... so I decided to suck it up and go to her place for dinner. I will admit it was nice to spend some time with them but my headache had gotten so much worse so my sister and I went out and bought some aspirin and I took it and literally fell asleep on her couch after dinner. I woke up later and felt even worse, my headache was there but so was my abdomen and I just felt that everything was so tight on me.. I lay there for hours waiting for my hubby to come back to my sister's place so I could leave and come home. I felt terrible here it was her birthday and I was stuck there and she was working.. All I wanted to do was come home and sleep. FINALLY at 10:30 they arrived back and I was able to go home... the funniest part was all I could think about was how pissed off she must have been that she didn't get her Dairy Queen which they had promised they would bring her back on their way back. I went home and curled up in a ball in bed and just passed out.. so that is why no post yesterday. Today was rough but the pain actually is a little bit better... the headaches are still here but they are much better than they were so I guess they cancelled me at the right time. I am a little scared about OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation) but after some wonderful ladies online have reaassured me that the trigger is what ultimately does it I feel much more relieved. Thank you to you wonderful ladies for your constant support I wish you knew how much it means to me. It haws been hard because my one vvery good friend is off on vacation and she was the only one who knew about what I was going through and I just feel so lost without her. Funny how you come to depend on people...