FINALLY!!

Well 35 follies later here I am ready to trigger tonight!! I cannot believe I am fianlly at the end of this journey... I am excited and nervous and everything in between! 11PM tonight I give myself the HCG shot for the last time! 35 hours later I will be there having my eggs retrieved. I gave myself my last cetrotide shot this morning and my last Gonal-f shot this evening... and now my last HCG shot! What an odd thing to experience! What an odd life to live. During my ultrasound today the contortionist requests continued and wouldn't you know it... they weren't good enough! I had to sit on my hands. LITERALLY.. 40 minutes at the end of the ultrasound I couldn't feel my hands. I could barely get dressed! Retrieval will be very interesting because they are going to have fun getting to my left ovary. My acupuncture was great and felt very relaxing.. I started to feel better once I was done. OK enough about me.... onto the really exciting news. My good friend Kat is also triggering tonight! She didn't think this month was gonna work and here she is triggering the same night as me. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers!!! Her IUI is tomorrow morning and I have everything crossed for her!

I have how many????? I AM NOT A CONTORTIONIST!

I went in for my appt and was stunned to find out that I have 17 good size follicles on the Left and 15 good size ones on the Right. Well that would explain why my belly feels bloated and full... LOL! I am not suffering too badly considering my e2 yesterday was 11,000! Here I am in the ultrasound room.. with a wand up the wazzoo and the lady says (after about 10 minutes on the right side!!) OK now we are moving on to the left side.. however we have discovered that my LEFT ovary is up really high and hides behind the uterus. So once she gets in she is like ok I really need to get up far lift your bum... lift my what??? HOW THE HECK DO I DO THAT?? So with this wand up the wazoo I am now becoming a contortionist and I am lifting up my but in the air and tryin not to drop my pelvis.. while she is pushing the wand up against my aching swollen ovaries to take pictures... WOO HOO FUN! Can't wait to do it again tomorrow. AND YES the ultrasounds have reached a point now where they HURT!!!!!!! Pain that shoots through your ovaries down through your vajay jay down your legs and out through your toes. I don't recommend it... but its a neccesity... I think I am down to about 1-2 days till trigger. I have already bought the meds... i have the progesterone to shove up the butt, I have the ativan tablets to calm me down prior to retrieval and O YES the HCG which I have to mix and inject 36 hours before the retrieval. I feel like maybe I am glutton for punishment because I am semi looking forward to it. AM I CRAZY!?? Probably!

ER scheduled for this weekend???

CAN IT BE TRUE? I had my appt this morning and the u/s from hell alongside it. OK for those of you women who have met MR wand.. they stick it up there and slowly go one to the other.. this woman.. would go up there push up to get the size then drop the friggin wand between each measurment.. HELLO THAT IS IN MY CROTCH LADY>>> OW! MORONS! Well as of today I have about 17 follies that are measuring over 1 and quite a few that are measuring 1.4... well tehy call me upstairs and another nurse joins us so I am figuring that this is a bad sign and she is there for moral support... BUT I get there and get handed all this info on OHSS... which I kinda figured I had already.. and then we discussed ER. OMG Its gonna be this weekend... they gave me all the meds and everythign.. it's so real to me I am having a total panic attack! Then I went to my acupuncture appt and I am starting to feel pretty good about it. The acu really helps. I wish I could explain it... but the bloating seems to have gone down and I didn't get a call today from the clinic so I stayed on the 37.5 and back again I go tomorrow morning! I think tomorrow may be my last appt... maybe maybe Thursday! Then I trigger and its a waiting game. I am nervous but excited.



OK on another note... I was reading a book to my niece this morning and I just had to post a picture... A SIGN OF THE TIMES!!!!! LOL! I just found it really funny.

Edit -- The book is Curious George Learns the Alphabet! ;)

The beginning of the end..........

Went in today have 15 follies and e2 is really high. It is above 6000! I am really sore and swollen and all I want to do is sleep. I am drinking lots of gatorade.. here's hoping that it works!
Meds were dropped to 37.5.

I'm not fat I am swollen!

I have 12 follies that are above 1.0 and I feel like I am a chicken. I am so sore and I am sooo sick of the daily appts.. they just drain me. I am so sorry but the back and forth and poking and pricking is just driving me batty. The ultrasounds hurt soo much now. Today was the worst yet and I am just dreading tomorrows! I know just a couple more days and we can retrieve... how I long for that day! Even if it will be terribly painful.... They asked me to start drinking gatorade because I am overstimming ... my E2 level is above 5000 so there is some concern there. I am so close I just want to "explode" so we can get it over with! I realize how ridiculous that sounds but I am just soo nauseous and I have headaches all day and my pants feel tight on my bruised belly... I am not meaning to complain because if it works it is all worth it but right now I am just feeling like a human pin cushion that has been beaten and stepped on.

Standup2cancer

I watched this one hour telethon..... I haven't shed that many tears in a very long time! I was so moved by the people's stories and the tales of survival! I cannot believe how many people have suffered through cancer. There was a sad story that was told by one of the celebrities... he started talking and instantly you saw the tears in his eyes. He told the story of a little child who never got to live to be 5 years old. THe letter was written by his mother how she heard her son's first heartbeat and put her hand on his chest as she felt his last. They showed his picture and you just heard the crowd gasp as this little boy's smiling face is on the screen and you hear he lost his fight. They say they are near finding the cure... God I hope so! Too many stories like that exist.

I did have my appt today and the follies aren't doin much... I said I was worried now... and they said o no you have lots to go still... then they told me to take the cetrotide daily IN THE MORNING!!! and they lowered my Gonal-f back to 150 because my estrogen went above 3000. Now if memory serves me corrrect that means I am about to get a crapload of follies jumping and suddenly growing... at least I hope! I am a little worries taht the estrogen jumping but its only 3000 so I am really hoping that everything is ok. I have daily appts now and I am findng them very draining.. not to complain its just alot of back and forth.. It is ok. I am ok. AND on that note I will share with you something really funny. I had to take my cetrotide this morning in the parking lot of my work. I pulled in mixed the meds pulled down my pants and was about to inject it (had the needle in my mouth ) and someone pulls up beside me. I almost died of embarassment.. THANK GOD OUR WINDOWS ARE TINTED!!!!!!! I quickly pricked myself and then pulled my pants up and ran into the office.. LOL! Good thing I am on vacation for the next 2 weeks because I will be doing that every morning but now... from the COMFORT OF MY HOME!!!!! LOL!

Suppresion Time!

Things I would never say out loud.

I am terrified that this isn't going to work! I am terrified there will be noting that fertilizes or nothing to implant... Basically due to the stress I have been under here at work.. I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am beyond terrified that we just forked out $11,000 for a chance... that won't work.... I am frightened that all that we have been through for all these years.. will be for nothing
I still wait for the call to cancel the cycle even though I did start the cetroride tonight.
Did you know that it works to supress within an hour of injection. I read the pamphlet... yup I am just that big of a loser! I laughed because although I am an old pro at this I still go through OMG moments and did I do it right moments. Tonight for example I injected the cetrotide in after mixing it and i noticed a little leaked out of the hole after I removed the syringe. Am I really supressed?? Did I screw it up? Did I mix it correctly. They increased the dosage for Gonal-f to 225 ... is this gonna screw me up again and I am going to have crazy E2 levels or will the cetrotide calm that down? Soo many questions and no answers! I am like a ball of nerves surrounded by what ifs! I went into the appt this morning and when I was on the table the girl couldn't see the follie on the one side and for lack of a better term dipped the probe down and I jumped right out of my skin... HOLY SHIT did that hurt. Poor girl she started freaking out apologizing profusely. I love her even tho she tried to make another hole in me... at least that is how it felt. Even after all that she still couldn't see it because my ovaries were playing hide and go seek behind my uterus.... she couldn't find that damn follie! The doc came in after to chat about the ultrasound and said things look great! I said I am really concerned about the fact that we are on day 8 and there are already 6 follies growing like that.... he said thats not a bad thing thats a very good thing and laughed. I still cannot admit that.. but I am finding really slowly that there is a creeping feeling that things may actually work out and we will have ER really soon. Kinda freaks me out... I also had acupuncture today that was nice.. gave me a good feeling for a couple hours anyways! Whatever it takes!!!!!!! Anyways Here are some pics of the cetrotide... try not to laugh to hard about the bluies.... LOL!

what a difference 2 days make

Quick post... i am so tired!

I have 6 follies ranging from 1.0 - 1.4. Probably start Cetrotide tomorrow night. Looks like for the first time in history I am taking off on time and not late... isn't that bizarre!? Day 7 6 follies that are measurable... imagine by day 14!!!!!! Still waiting for the call to cancel but none yet... do I dare let myself get caught up in it and be excited? ONLY one thing is freaking me out.. and for those of you who have read my blog previuosly... my 2 doves are back.. following me around here and even in tjhe backyard with my pussy cat. I take that as a good sign..... O well back again tomorrow for some more wand torture... or should I say transducer torture!?? Crap it hurtrs when they push on the follies!!!!!!!!!!! STOP PUSHING SO HARD!!!!!! I may kick her tomorrow! O and the girl who did my u/s was the tech that told us we were havin twins back in 2006! Another odd thing.. totally funny.

Tears and Hormone Hell

I have so many tears these days its crazy! I cry at commercials... I swear if I see that Standup2cancer commercial one more time. .... I cry every friggin time!! HORMONES!
Women are crazy! I know you all agree with me. My meds are still the same but we shall see what happens tomorrow. Since I was sick last night I am heading to bed a little early hopefully I can get some good sleep.

From cyst to follie.....

I just got back from my doctor appt and I am in schock! I went from 4 cysts to 2 follicles that are 1.0 and 1.1? My theory is that they are the cysts that are leftover since I have never ever ever had 2 follicles that big if at all at day 5. THey gave me the cetrotide to start if my b/w shows that my e2 levels are over 1000.... No way no way that those are follicles that are that big! We shall see what they say wehn they call me at noon.

**Update** I heard from the clinic and the b/w is on track but no need for cetrotide yet. They are pretty sure that they really are follicles... bbut I don't have to return until Wednesday... I guess then we will know if they really are or not. So far things appear to be on track... does that really sound right? Ahh time will tell. For now I am literally on needles and pins waiting for the other ball to drop! It's an odd feeling.. waiting fo the worst to happen.

FIRE!!!!

OMG OMG OMG I just had the most terrifying experience.
STUPID OVEN! I HATE IT! I was warming it up and all of a sudden it started to smoke.. so i went to the oven to turn it off.... and it went poof like a little explosion inside... then I look down and there are flames inside the friggin oven! I scream to my husband OMG FIRE!! Man you never saw him move so fast... then realize we don't have a fire extinguisher.. He came upstiars and the fire was out but I couldn't breathe from all the thick black smoke and we had to open all the doors and windows and turn on the fans... He is freaking out and I am trying to turn off the alarm upstairs... it was soo smoky in here.. freaked me right out. I couldn't breathe and I am running around the house coughing and choking.. my hubby is smart he has a shirt over his mouth to breathe. I have no idea what the hell happened... I cooked chicken wings in there last and there was no black spots on the bottom of it... so I thought it would be ok to cook in it.... He scraped the bottom the best he could... and I will try to do it again but obviously I need to do the self clean thing.. but I am not turning it on again anytime soon! Scariest moment I have ever had! I feel like a total idiot.. but I just cannot figure out how that happened. My thought everytime and I mean everytime I cook is omg what if the stove explodes... now that it pretty much did I don't think I can cook in it anymore. I am afraid of the oven ... great... after all the time we waited for it now this. Well anyways.. the only thing we can think of is that when the wings were cooking some oil spilled on the bottom and when it heated up it caught fire. O and yes I am an idiot! I know I am I feel like one.
I started my stims today just after this was all over with... there is that drama I was looking for!

IVF Again?

I went to the doctor and had my appt and to my shock this is af. So I start my stims tomorrow. Only issue is I do have 4 cysts... they said they aren't concerned about it and as long as the bloodwork didn't show anything strange they would continue. No call so now I start my stims tomorrow. Timing is too perfect so I am waiting for the other ball to drop. It came up on me so fast and I am so unprepared... mentally. I thought I had 2 more weeks and instead here it is. This is our only chance our last chance... to grow some good eggs. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. When i have my appt on monday I will looks a the egg count.. cause I was in such shock i forgot to look!!!!!

How far I have come

OK first of all I want you to know that my sister did lose the baby it was confirmed at the doctor today. The doctor is an idiot and sat there and basically lied to her face.. she called him on it and left. She will see a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist so that will be good for her.

OK so there I am sitting at my desk today and a man comes up and strikes up a conversation with me.. usual pleasantries... how are you etc.. then he asks how the babies are. I look at him and say what babies? He totally caught me off guard!! He says the twins... I am sitting there mouth agape thinking omg now how do I tell him this. So I say no we lost them at 5 months.. and I start to tell him the whole story.. poor man colour slowly drains out of his face... he is the one caught off guard now. So he looks at me and says omg I am so sorry that must have been very difficult for you. I said yes it did take me a long time to get the strength to come back here and sit here and answer questions. But I got better... I have moved past it and I miss them every single day. He says well I hope God is with you.. and walks away. It shook me.. I was so caught off guard and I needed a moment.. I went to the bathroom and got composure and then came back to my desk. I was so proud I didn't fall apart.. I have come so far now that I can talk about them and not cry and to tell you the truth it made me miss them just a little more for a while.. then I found the humour. The only man in the company who didn't know. Now he knows. And will probably never be the same again!

Update: The bleeding from yesterday appears to have turned into full blown AF so I have an appt tomorrow for b/w and u/s to see if we should start the stims on Saturday or not. FIngers crossed we can and it will work... I am off for 2 weeks during this time anyways so it just works out perfectly... too perfectly!? Wuick someone create some drama!

Cryptic days!?

OK I am so sorry for being so cryptic. SO SO SOOOO SORRY!! My sister had a scare with her pregnancy and it broke my heart to think that something could happen to her after all she had been through. She went to the clinic for an u/s because she was bleeding and in alot of pain but when she got there there was a hb and they even gave her a picture. Everything was fine. The doctor basically made her feel like she was overreacting for nothing. You cramp during pregnancy this is normal. The bleeding well its not from the uterus maybe corpus luteum or a polyp etc.. So they sent her home.. no bedrest no nothing... just see you at 12 weeks for your IPS.
We both knew there was more... but what can you do for the day? Well not 4 hours later she miscarried. At home thinking to herself that son of a bitch doctor. How the hell could he not have known!? He didn't listen! He didn't respect her enough that she knew something was wrong. He didn't open the file to notice she has been through this several times before. He is totally useless and in my opinion should have his license revoked. How dare he!? My heart is totally and completely broken for her and her hubby. I know she has a beautiful daughter and she will help pull her back but as wel all know a broken heart never completely heals! The loss is still there for a while. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers... she deserves soo much and not this shit. I pray that when she goes to her appointment to confirm that everything is gone.... IT IS HER LAST APPT THERE!

As for me... I am taking sympathy pain to a whole new level... nevermind I dreamt on Sunday she lost the baby and that is when things started to go bad for her... but I started having cramping and really bad back pain... THEN TODAY I WOKE UP AND I AM BLEEDING! 2 weeks later umm gives new meaning to early period. Not sure what to think... hoping it means I can start the stims but have to hear back from the doctor's office first. Nurse didn't call me back today and I was too busy to realize whent he day was over.... so its not a day 1 full flow anyways.. but I am thiniking that will be tomorrow... IF IF IF IF IF I am able to start now then it works out that ER and ET are on the week that I am already booked off... so I just extend it to 2 weeks and BOOM it is perfect timing.

What a wild couple of days.

LYING DOCTORS! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

I am so sick and tired of liars. I am tired of doctors not taking the time to listen to their damn patients, or open up the EFFING file to see the history. I am so angry and I am so mad and upset I cannot even type.

Good Thoughts and naked ass...

I need all your good thoughts and prayers... I cannot go into detail because I just don't want to put it into the cosmos but please please send them all this way. I really really appreciate it!

AND NOW FOR A MOMENT OF LEVITY!

I am not sure what else I can say but I want to share with you a really really funny picture. YES IT IS A PIG'S BUM!

Crispy

I am crispy! Burnt like bacon. Spent the day outside at the CNE and although it was a rainy cloudy day I am still red like a lobster. I am tired and so its a short post. Had a great weekend!!

A moment.....

First of all I would like any of you reading this to think about somethign for one moment. Think about what it would be like to find out your dreams are coming true... you are happier than you have ever been and you just cannot stop smiling. You feel like you are on top of the world and nothing and noone can bring you down. You make plans you think about hte future and how wonderful it will be. Now in a blink of an eye imagine for one moment that you wake up one day and that is all gone now. Your dreams died and your life changed. How do you ever wake up from this nightmare? Everywhere you look people are getting their dreams and tehy are making everything seem so damn easy. It is just not fair and the more tears you cry, the more you long for that life the harder it is for you. So time passes and you move on... maybe that day comes again that your dream comes true.. but still a part of you died that day when they did. That pain never goes away.. the heart never heals. This is what it is like for a special lady that I have come to know online. Sadly I know her pain all too well as some of us do. Some people are lucky that everything comes to them so easily and for those of us who suffer and sacrifice to get those things when it finally does happen it is bittersweet but the memory of what has been or what could have been is always just beneath the surface. Please join me in sending her your love and support. This is one of those anniversaries that makes it all come back to you like it was yesterday. The days may pass and time may move on.... but the past is something we will always carry with us. Especially when its is a broken heart. My wish is that none of you suffer through such pain and that none of you ever understand what it is like. Hold your children tight and give them an extra big hug and kiss at bedtime tonight, for you are truly the blessed ones. Even if it doesn't feel that way. Christina you are in all of our thoughts on these difficult days. Know our hearts are going out to you.

My strength........

I have been so miserable since Sunday.. the day they cancelled my IVF cycle but today I hit a wall.. I am so stressed and I am so tired but I just don't seem to feel anything anymore. I am not going to be that person anymore. I want to be the person the kind of mom my children desire. I need to be strong and honestly and truly my strength comes from my experiences in my life and from my girls as well as from all you wonderful ladies that have come into my life for one reason or another. My sadness has been very selfish it is not the worst thing in the world and it is sadly not going to be the worst thing to ever happen to me. I need to let it go and move on. I know that. I really do, I just wish someone could tell my heart that. Maybe its the hormones or maybe its the emotions but I am finding it so hard this time to let go.. I am dissapointed in myself and my trust for Dr. G is faltering but I will stay strong and I will continue down this path. I am so happy to finally report that the "friend" I asked you all to think about and keep in your prayers was my sister. She is almost 10 weeks now and things are lookin and feeling good for her so please keep up the good work! This is her time and even though I am green I am thrilled for her and I am excited at the thought of being an auntie again. She has the world's most incredible little girl. She is honest and truly the light of my life. Even on my darkest days I just have to look at a picture of her and my heart melts and I smile. I need that more days than I would like to admit... especially recently. BUT I DIGRESS... I will pick myself up and dust myself off and move on. Now onto "pain" yes the heartburn is still here but much better.. I wake up at night with it now and a couple times during the day I am getting it.. but it really is much better. THe cm is still "flowin" but its a little better too.. my boobs are aching and frankly a little swollen that is my only "complaint". An odd one... but interesting one. I am sure these are all from the meds but since the abdominal pain is finally gone maybe I will be able to enjoy my weekend.

Here I am... I am here..

Here I am. I am ok. I am still dealing with heartburn and a little bit of pain still but aside from the stress I am ok. Thank you to all your kind thoughts and words. TOnight I am tired and I am exhausted but I am ok. I am still mad but I am not as angry and I am more accepting. All I want is the heartburn to go away so I can enjoy my stress filled day! LOL! a little over a week and I will be able to breathe again. How I look forward to that. Hopefully by then it will be deep breaths with no pain. I would just like to say that without you ladies I really don't know where I would be! Thank you! AND to all those lucky ladies with their positve betas! You give me hope... where I sometimes feel hope is lost.