FIRE!!!!

OMG OMG OMG I just had the most terrifying experience.
STUPID OVEN! I HATE IT! I was warming it up and all of a sudden it started to smoke.. so i went to the oven to turn it off.... and it went poof like a little explosion inside... then I look down and there are flames inside the friggin oven! I scream to my husband OMG FIRE!! Man you never saw him move so fast... then realize we don't have a fire extinguisher.. He came upstiars and the fire was out but I couldn't breathe from all the thick black smoke and we had to open all the doors and windows and turn on the fans... He is freaking out and I am trying to turn off the alarm upstairs... it was soo smoky in here.. freaked me right out. I couldn't breathe and I am running around the house coughing and choking.. my hubby is smart he has a shirt over his mouth to breathe. I have no idea what the hell happened... I cooked chicken wings in there last and there was no black spots on the bottom of it... so I thought it would be ok to cook in it.... He scraped the bottom the best he could... and I will try to do it again but obviously I need to do the self clean thing.. but I am not turning it on again anytime soon! Scariest moment I have ever had! I feel like a total idiot.. but I just cannot figure out how that happened. My thought everytime and I mean everytime I cook is omg what if the stove explodes... now that it pretty much did I don't think I can cook in it anymore. I am afraid of the oven ... great... after all the time we waited for it now this. Well anyways.. the only thing we can think of is that when the wings were cooking some oil spilled on the bottom and when it heated up it caught fire. O and yes I am an idiot! I know I am I feel like one.
I started my stims today just after this was all over with... there is that drama I was looking for!

IVF Again?

I went to the doctor and had my appt and to my shock this is af. So I start my stims tomorrow. Only issue is I do have 4 cysts... they said they aren't concerned about it and as long as the bloodwork didn't show anything strange they would continue. No call so now I start my stims tomorrow. Timing is too perfect so I am waiting for the other ball to drop. It came up on me so fast and I am so unprepared... mentally. I thought I had 2 more weeks and instead here it is. This is our only chance our last chance... to grow some good eggs. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. When i have my appt on monday I will looks a the egg count.. cause I was in such shock i forgot to look!!!!!

How far I have come

OK first of all I want you to know that my sister did lose the baby it was confirmed at the doctor today. The doctor is an idiot and sat there and basically lied to her face.. she called him on it and left. She will see a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist so that will be good for her.

OK so there I am sitting at my desk today and a man comes up and strikes up a conversation with me.. usual pleasantries... how are you etc.. then he asks how the babies are. I look at him and say what babies? He totally caught me off guard!! He says the twins... I am sitting there mouth agape thinking omg now how do I tell him this. So I say no we lost them at 5 months.. and I start to tell him the whole story.. poor man colour slowly drains out of his face... he is the one caught off guard now. So he looks at me and says omg I am so sorry that must have been very difficult for you. I said yes it did take me a long time to get the strength to come back here and sit here and answer questions. But I got better... I have moved past it and I miss them every single day. He says well I hope God is with you.. and walks away. It shook me.. I was so caught off guard and I needed a moment.. I went to the bathroom and got composure and then came back to my desk. I was so proud I didn't fall apart.. I have come so far now that I can talk about them and not cry and to tell you the truth it made me miss them just a little more for a while.. then I found the humour. The only man in the company who didn't know. Now he knows. And will probably never be the same again!

Update: The bleeding from yesterday appears to have turned into full blown AF so I have an appt tomorrow for b/w and u/s to see if we should start the stims on Saturday or not. FIngers crossed we can and it will work... I am off for 2 weeks during this time anyways so it just works out perfectly... too perfectly!? Wuick someone create some drama!

Cryptic days!?

OK I am so sorry for being so cryptic. SO SO SOOOO SORRY!! My sister had a scare with her pregnancy and it broke my heart to think that something could happen to her after all she had been through. She went to the clinic for an u/s because she was bleeding and in alot of pain but when she got there there was a hb and they even gave her a picture. Everything was fine. The doctor basically made her feel like she was overreacting for nothing. You cramp during pregnancy this is normal. The bleeding well its not from the uterus maybe corpus luteum or a polyp etc.. So they sent her home.. no bedrest no nothing... just see you at 12 weeks for your IPS.
We both knew there was more... but what can you do for the day? Well not 4 hours later she miscarried. At home thinking to herself that son of a bitch doctor. How the hell could he not have known!? He didn't listen! He didn't respect her enough that she knew something was wrong. He didn't open the file to notice she has been through this several times before. He is totally useless and in my opinion should have his license revoked. How dare he!? My heart is totally and completely broken for her and her hubby. I know she has a beautiful daughter and she will help pull her back but as wel all know a broken heart never completely heals! The loss is still there for a while. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers... she deserves soo much and not this shit. I pray that when she goes to her appointment to confirm that everything is gone.... IT IS HER LAST APPT THERE!

As for me... I am taking sympathy pain to a whole new level... nevermind I dreamt on Sunday she lost the baby and that is when things started to go bad for her... but I started having cramping and really bad back pain... THEN TODAY I WOKE UP AND I AM BLEEDING! 2 weeks later umm gives new meaning to early period. Not sure what to think... hoping it means I can start the stims but have to hear back from the doctor's office first. Nurse didn't call me back today and I was too busy to realize whent he day was over.... so its not a day 1 full flow anyways.. but I am thiniking that will be tomorrow... IF IF IF IF IF I am able to start now then it works out that ER and ET are on the week that I am already booked off... so I just extend it to 2 weeks and BOOM it is perfect timing.

What a wild couple of days.

LYING DOCTORS! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

I am so sick and tired of liars. I am tired of doctors not taking the time to listen to their damn patients, or open up the EFFING file to see the history. I am so angry and I am so mad and upset I cannot even type.

Good Thoughts and naked ass...

I need all your good thoughts and prayers... I cannot go into detail because I just don't want to put it into the cosmos but please please send them all this way. I really really appreciate it!

AND NOW FOR A MOMENT OF LEVITY!

I am not sure what else I can say but I want to share with you a really really funny picture. YES IT IS A PIG'S BUM!

Crispy

I am crispy! Burnt like bacon. Spent the day outside at the CNE and although it was a rainy cloudy day I am still red like a lobster. I am tired and so its a short post. Had a great weekend!!

A moment.....

First of all I would like any of you reading this to think about somethign for one moment. Think about what it would be like to find out your dreams are coming true... you are happier than you have ever been and you just cannot stop smiling. You feel like you are on top of the world and nothing and noone can bring you down. You make plans you think about hte future and how wonderful it will be. Now in a blink of an eye imagine for one moment that you wake up one day and that is all gone now. Your dreams died and your life changed. How do you ever wake up from this nightmare? Everywhere you look people are getting their dreams and tehy are making everything seem so damn easy. It is just not fair and the more tears you cry, the more you long for that life the harder it is for you. So time passes and you move on... maybe that day comes again that your dream comes true.. but still a part of you died that day when they did. That pain never goes away.. the heart never heals. This is what it is like for a special lady that I have come to know online. Sadly I know her pain all too well as some of us do. Some people are lucky that everything comes to them so easily and for those of us who suffer and sacrifice to get those things when it finally does happen it is bittersweet but the memory of what has been or what could have been is always just beneath the surface. Please join me in sending her your love and support. This is one of those anniversaries that makes it all come back to you like it was yesterday. The days may pass and time may move on.... but the past is something we will always carry with us. Especially when its is a broken heart. My wish is that none of you suffer through such pain and that none of you ever understand what it is like. Hold your children tight and give them an extra big hug and kiss at bedtime tonight, for you are truly the blessed ones. Even if it doesn't feel that way. Christina you are in all of our thoughts on these difficult days. Know our hearts are going out to you.

My strength........

I have been so miserable since Sunday.. the day they cancelled my IVF cycle but today I hit a wall.. I am so stressed and I am so tired but I just don't seem to feel anything anymore. I am not going to be that person anymore. I want to be the person the kind of mom my children desire. I need to be strong and honestly and truly my strength comes from my experiences in my life and from my girls as well as from all you wonderful ladies that have come into my life for one reason or another. My sadness has been very selfish it is not the worst thing in the world and it is sadly not going to be the worst thing to ever happen to me. I need to let it go and move on. I know that. I really do, I just wish someone could tell my heart that. Maybe its the hormones or maybe its the emotions but I am finding it so hard this time to let go.. I am dissapointed in myself and my trust for Dr. G is faltering but I will stay strong and I will continue down this path. I am so happy to finally report that the "friend" I asked you all to think about and keep in your prayers was my sister. She is almost 10 weeks now and things are lookin and feeling good for her so please keep up the good work! This is her time and even though I am green I am thrilled for her and I am excited at the thought of being an auntie again. She has the world's most incredible little girl. She is honest and truly the light of my life. Even on my darkest days I just have to look at a picture of her and my heart melts and I smile. I need that more days than I would like to admit... especially recently. BUT I DIGRESS... I will pick myself up and dust myself off and move on. Now onto "pain" yes the heartburn is still here but much better.. I wake up at night with it now and a couple times during the day I am getting it.. but it really is much better. THe cm is still "flowin" but its a little better too.. my boobs are aching and frankly a little swollen that is my only "complaint". An odd one... but interesting one. I am sure these are all from the meds but since the abdominal pain is finally gone maybe I will be able to enjoy my weekend.

Here I am... I am here..

Here I am. I am ok. I am still dealing with heartburn and a little bit of pain still but aside from the stress I am ok. Thank you to all your kind thoughts and words. TOnight I am tired and I am exhausted but I am ok. I am still mad but I am not as angry and I am more accepting. All I want is the heartburn to go away so I can enjoy my stress filled day! LOL! a little over a week and I will be able to breathe again. How I look forward to that. Hopefully by then it will be deep breaths with no pain. I would just like to say that without you ladies I really don't know where I would be! Thank you! AND to all those lucky ladies with their positve betas! You give me hope... where I sometimes feel hope is lost.

Not much to say.... just tears

I really don't have much to say. I just want to crawl under the rock and stay there. I pulled out the old file last night and read it top to bottom... all 24 cycles that I had at the clinic and the numbers the E2 levels and how they fluctuate cycle to cycle or the follies turn into cysts. What was hardest was seeing the cycle I got pregnant with the girls. E2 went a little crazy then too. But that worked! :( I don't know.. I read all about the stuff they don't tell you I read that I had a subchorionic hemmorage then and didn't know I read that there was a suspicion right from the very very first u/s that something was wrong and noone said anything hoping it would resolve itself. I read all the comments and I cried. I had a good cry because I was sad for another setback but I started to think negatively for the first time in months. I was just thinking that everything would turn out ok and fooled myself again. This is my only chance my one and only IVF chance. I need everything to be perfect! I cry for the physical pain I am in, I cry for the emotional pain I am in, I cry because I miss my girls and that happiness... and I cry because I am so worried I will never be a mom and all this shit, all this pain and suffering will have been for NOTHING! We celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in September and we would have had our beta that week... it would have been too perfect! OBVIOUSLY TOO PERFECT! SO THAT MEANS IT WOULDN'T WORK! I hope that next month I can continue.... and there are no cysts... but the realuity is that those 35 follicles some will be cysts! So that means October/November time frame for the next cycle. DAMMIT! All I can do is pray. Pray it will be ok and pray that my journey will finally have a happy ending. For those who have asked and commented... thank you for your postive thoughts and prayers. The physical pain is getting a little better. but the CM is increasing which means the estrogen level is going up.... which means they are still growing. Right now the headaches are tolerable but the heartburn is causing me to take 2 bio enzyme pills during the day becaise I feel like I am having a heart attack. 2 days in a row this has happened... my stomach is constantly making noises and rolling which is ironically very reminiscent of my pregnancy with the girls.. I swear to you I feel butterflies.... I take it that is a sign from Grace and Anna that they are gonna help me get through it. Ironically I discovered that the bracelet that said love my girls on it those very words appear to have been scratched out. I should have known that was a bad sign... anyways on this day I am thinking and feeling that they are giving me signs... now wasn't right. Things would have ended badly.. lets start things off fresh and right. USE your MOUTH tell them what you are thinking and feeling! I shall! Believe me I shall!

Like tossing out 3 dozen eggs.....

From the very beginning I just knew something wasn't right. I didn't want my heart to know what my mind already did. This was just not meant to be. The pain the actual physical pain was getting worse each day and I knew it was too early... then the amount of (TMI) CM was astonishing... I know all too well what that means! I went to my appointment and I was in and out in less than an hour.... A new record for me! When I was there I was starting to feel more sick than the day before.. I was just so nauseous.. and my lower abdomen was killing me.. I came home and changed and crawled right back into bed with my hubby... He woke up and said OMG did you miss your appointment.. then I laughed and said nope been there and I am back already. We spent another half hour just lying in bed.. eventually I had to get up and get dressed but I just felt so crappy.. I cannot really explain it.. I just felt so sick and so sore.. but again I pushed those thought deep down. We went and got groceries and then came home and he pulled out the 2 evergreen trees in the front yard. They had grown too tall and looked soo odd in the front flower bed. He wanted to do something good for the environment so he decided to drive an hour or two away and plant them somewhere up North. Here is a picture of before and after they are planted.

I stayed in the car hoping the fresh air and drive would help me feel better. The seatbelt was a little loose so that I could breathe more comfortably.. for the record it didn't help. We wanted to drop off a card for my sister since it was her birthday but once we got in touch with her she invited us over for dinner so we had to come home and change.. besides I had to come home to get my medication to bring it and take it. We came home and I checked my voicemail and there it was the voicemail I had been dreading. It was a message from the clinic saying that my estrogen level shot up (you don't say!!?-with meds that hight how could it not!?) and they needed to cancel the cycle... they didn't realize how "sensitive" I would be to the medication.. who in the hell do you think you are talking to!? I have been on Gonal-f for the better part of what 4 or 5 years... ALMOST ALL OF WHICH WAS AT YOUR CLINIC! We all knew I was sensitive the meds.. I have many cancelled cycles to prove it! BUT HEY IVF is just gonna kick my body in gear and magically I won't be sensitive. YA RIGHT! SO NOW I blew $1000 in meds that did nothing but make me miserable to be around and feel like crap... great! Now the cycle is cancelled, I am totally and completely devastated and in soo much pain I am taking aspirin... and anyone who knows me knows it must be pretty fucking bad for me to be taking pain medicaton! I am pissed off obviously but I feel like I was fooling myself and I was stupid to think that anyone else would know my body better than I do! I feel angry and sad and I just want to crawl under a rock.. but I don't have that luxury. Waht I have is time.. time to focus on the next cycle... of course that will probably be cancelled too because now that I have 35 follicles that were growing... who knows what will happen... I will either have a really heavy period OR I will have to take the damn provera AGAIN to bring it on. Seems like an awful waste to me. I just hope none turn into cysts! I sucked it up because I do love my sister and this is a time now that maybe she needs me... so I decided to suck it up and go to her place for dinner. I will admit it was nice to spend some time with them but my headache had gotten so much worse so my sister and I went out and bought some aspirin and I took it and literally fell asleep on her couch after dinner. I woke up later and felt even worse, my headache was there but so was my abdomen and I just felt that everything was so tight on me.. I lay there for hours waiting for my hubby to come back to my sister's place so I could leave and come home. I felt terrible here it was her birthday and I was stuck there and she was working.. All I wanted to do was come home and sleep. FINALLY at 10:30 they arrived back and I was able to go home... the funniest part was all I could think about was how pissed off she must have been that she didn't get her Dairy Queen which they had promised they would bring her back on their way back. I went home and curled up in a ball in bed and just passed out.. so that is why no post yesterday. Today was rough but the pain actually is a little bit better... the headaches are still here but they are much better than they were so I guess they cancelled me at the right time. I am a little scared about OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation) but after some wonderful ladies online have reaassured me that the trigger is what ultimately does it I feel much more relieved. Thank you to you wonderful ladies for your constant support I wish you knew how much it means to me. It haws been hard because my one vvery good friend is off on vacation and she was the only one who knew about what I was going through and I just feel so lost without her. Funny how you come to depend on people...

The oddest day

Today has been extremely odd. It started off with my ultrasound and bloodwork.. lots of growth but nothing measurable yet.. and they decreased the meds to 112.5iu. Back again tomorrow.

I came home and had a nap.. I am finding one of the side effects from the drugs being that I am so tired and a little sore in the lower belly... I came home and put on the tv and was watching tv and fell asleep watching.. I woke up to the sound I'm pregnant. I opened my eyes and it was married with children.. Peggy announcing she was 5 months pregnant and Marcy had just found out she was pregnant. Great I thought to myself... Even the TV is against me... but then I watched the show and I thought hmm something is odd here. I don't remember them having a third bundy child! So I looked it up on the internet and discovered something that dropped my jaw! Katey Sagal (AKA Peg) was pregnant in real life during the filming of the 6th season but had an emergency c-section at 7 months and lost the baby. So the show wrote in that her pregnancy was a dream out of respect to her... it woudl be difficult having to deal with newborns on the set (they also wrote in that Marcy had a miscarriage) I was stunned to hear that. I was also stunned to read that she had several miscarriages and after years of infertility she finally had a baby just last year via IVF. Gives hope. Then I started wondering who else has had issues in Hollywood so I looked it up. I have listed below some of them with note that these are "reported" and not neccessarily TRUTH. Many celebrities do not admit to IVF (ie Angelina Jolie) because there is still a stigma attached to it that something is wrong with you if you are infertile. The truth is that infertility is a disease and something that we have NO CONTROL over. It took me a long time to realize its not something that I need to be ashamed of its just another issue with me.

Amazing Race winners Uchenna Agu and Joyce Robinson have been trying to have a baby and IVF has been unsuccessful. They plan to use their winnings to cover further in vitro attempts or adopt.

Tom Arnold and ex-wife, Shelby struggled with infertility since 2002 until their divorce in 2007. To compensate for Tom's low sperm count and poor motility, they have tried IVF with ICSI 5 times with no success. In People, they discussed how difficult infertility has been on their marriage and the cost of IVF

David and Courtney Cox-Arquette have had a well publicized battle with infertility. After several miscarriages due to immunity problems and IVF, they finally had a healthy, baby girl, Coco. In a Good Housekeeping article, she said, "In vitro is a wonderful thing that people can do in this day and age, and I'm lucky enough to be able to afford it." She and her husband hope to try IVF one more time. If unsuccessful, they hope to bring Coco an adopted sibling.After 7 years of TTC,

actress Angela Bassett and her husband, "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" star Courtney B. Vance welcomed twins, Bronwyn Golden and Slater Josiah carried by surrogate.

Actress Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon gave birth to twins, Jaid and Jax, conceived after three miscarriages and failed IVF, according to People magazine.

Christie Brinkley sought in vitro fertilization treatment and had three miscarriages before giving birth at 44 to her third child, daughter Sailor Lee, with soon-to-be ex-husband Peter Cook.

LeVar Burton of Roots, Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Reading Rainbow and his wife Stephanie Cozart Burton had a daughter Michaela, born in July 1994. LeVar and his wife were very outspoken advocates for infertility.

Helena Bonham Carter and director, Tim Burton welcomed a baby girl in December 2007. After trying Clomid, IVF, and several alternative treatments, the baby was conceived naturally.

Marcia Cross skipped her honeymoon to start IVF and successfully conceived twins Eden and Savannah. Even Marcia, as an actress on a high-rated show, acknowledged the high cost of IVF, telling USA Today, "it's very expensive and (requires) a lot of needles and shots."

Jamie Lee Curtis and her husband, Christopher Guest adopted their children after realizing that infertility prevented them from conceiving. Jamie has written a book, Tell Me Again About The Night I Was Born. The book was "written to let children who joined their families through adoption know that their own birth stories were exciting, too".

Robert De Niro and his former companion model-turned-restaurateur Toukie Smith gave birth to twin boys via surrogate on Oct. 20, 1995.

Due to a rare, painful auto-immune disorder, sarcoidosis, Karen Duffy, MTV VJ, actress, and Revlon model was worried about exposing a child to her prescribed medications. She was able to have a child through a surrogate.

Former Mrs. International, Michelle Fryatt and her husband had multiple infertility diagnoses and tried IUI and IVF before adopting their baby.

Peri Gilpin, of Frasier, has two little girls, born May 7, by surrogate. She and her husband tried to conceive for 7 years. After many years of pain and failed IVF attempts, they were able to have two daughters, Stella and Ava.

Nancy Grace and her new husband had twins, Lucy Elizabeth and John David, reportedly conceived via IVF. Her babies were born two months early and then Nancy was rehospitalized days later to treat blood clots.

Kelsey Grammer and his wife, Camille used a surrogate after her Irritable Bowel Syndrome prevented her from carrying to full term. The couple welcomed Jude Gordon on August 28, joining sister Mason Olivia.

Melanie Griffith and her husband, Antonio Banderas struggled with secondary infertility for years and had some unsuccessful fertility treatment. Reportedly, the emotional pain caused by failed treatment is part of the reason why she entered rehab.

Deidre Hall, star of Days of our Lives, and husband Steve Sohmer suffered through several treatments for 20 years before turning to a surrogate.

Hugh Jackman and his wife, Deborra-lee Furness struggled with conceiving a child. After several miscarriages and failed IVF, they were able to adopt their children.

Actor/Comedian, Penn Jillette and his wife, Emily conceived their first child, Moxie through IVF.

Leila Kenzle, best known for her role as Fran Devanow, Jamie Buchman's (Helen Hunt) best friend for six years on the Emmy award winning "Mad About You," has co-founded FertilityLA in Sherman Oaks, California, a psychotherapy program for people who are struggling to get pregnant.

After an ectoptic pregnancy and miscarriage with ex-husband, Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman and country musician, Keith Urban are expecting a baby, allegedly conceived after eight months of fertility treatment.

Alex Kingston, of ER tried to have a child for 6 years before finally giving birth to a baby girl. She states, "It didn't surprise me that women were trying IVF so many times; there's that need, and it ultimately overrides everything else." She is now supporting HER trust, a charity dedicated to investigating unanswered questions about infertility. As well as funding research, the charity will provide information for women on reproductive issues.

Although never confirmed, Jennifer Lopez allegedly conceived her baby (babies??) via IVF after trying for 3 years.

Joan Lunden was able to have twins (twice!) with a surrogate mother.

Cindy Margolis- Supermodel/actress discusses her struggle with infertility and her desire to have a baby. She had her first child, Nicholas through IVF/GIFT in 2002. Her two daughters, Sabrina and Sierra were born prematurely by a surrogate on July 17, 2005. VH1 ran a special highlighting Cindy's career and struggle with infertility. Cindy recently published a guide about navigating infertility diagnosis and treatment.

According to People, Chris Meloni (Law and Order: SVU) and his wife Sherman Williams conceived their two children, Sophia and Dante, through surrogate. His wife remarked, "That someone would give up that much of themselves for somebody else. Its the greatest gift ever."

Laurie Metcalf, formerly of Roseanne and another Desperate Housewives,and her husband are new parents to a baby girl, born by surrogate in July 2005.

'Will and Grace' star Megan Mullally, has been trying to have a baby and admits that conceiving naturally will be very hard. Rather than turn to IVF, she is considering adoption.

Actress Valarie Pettiford and her husband, Tony Rader have been trying to conceive for over 5 years. She told Ebony magazine, "I felt so isolated and alone. It's difficult to talk about, but I want other women out there to know that they are not alone; there is support.

"Dennis Quaid and his wife, Kimberly had twins, Thomas Boone Quaid and Zoe Grace, born November 2007 via surrogate. Their faith was tested again when their babies were accidentally given a near-fatal overdose of Heparin.Not a movie or TV celebrity, but a political celebrity.

New Supreme Court Justice, John Roberts and his wife, Jane had difficulty conceiving. Her Catholic faith prohibited the use of infertility treatments. After a lengthy and emotionally draining process, they adopted Josephine and John. Our political sympathizer?!?

Julia Roberts gave birth to twins, a girl named Hazel Patricia Moder and a boy named Phinnaeus Walter Moder. It is rumored that she conceived through IVF, but her publicist denies it.

Katey Sagal, best known for her role as Peggy on Married with Children had a daughter in January 2007 born via surrogate.

Jane Seymour had multiple miscarriages and painful infertility treatments. She has also written a book "Two at a time" to describe her and her husband's ordeal.

Sherri Shepherd, of The View had a son through IVF. Her son was born at 25 weeks, at 1 lb. 10 oz. At last report, her son was doing well, but still in need of regular support. Thanks Brigitte!

Brooke Shields gave birth to baby, Grier (conceived naturally) on April 18, 2006. She had her daughter, Rowan after many IVF cycles. Brooke now speaks out on infertility (and yes, postpartum depression). Her book Down Came the Rain chronicles her struggles with infertility and postpartum depression.

Alexis Stewart, daughter of Martha Stewart, has been very open about her fight to become a mother. In an interview with Oprah, she remarks that she is "lucky" because her Mother pays for her $28,000/month treatment.

Sharon Stone reportedly suffers from recurrent early miscarriages and recently adopted her second child.

Brenda Strong (Mary Alice Young- Desperate Housewives) wrestled with infertility and turned to the practice of yoga to manage and alleviate the associated stress brought on by the diagnosis. She released a Yoga 4 Fertility DVD in 2004. She will serve as the first national spokesperson for The American Fertility Association (AFA).

Former Bachelorette, Trista Sutter conceived her son, Max naturally after trying for two years. She reported that they were considering IVF, but "it really is expensive."

Oscar-winner, Emma Thompson suffered a miscarriage in 1997 and was subsequently diagnosed with PCOS. She was able to have a daughter, Gaia in 1999 at the age of 40. Later IVF attempts failed. She is happy with her daughter, but notes that "there are thousands and thousands of women like me who can't have children." In 2006, Emma and her husband adopted a teenager from Rwanda.

Nia Vardalos, the genius behind "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" has been ttc for eight years. She is currently undergoing infertility treatment.

Actress Jo Beth Williams suffered from infertility and recurrent miscarriages. She stated, "You do become desperate. You go through periods where you cry for no reason and you want someone to help you." She and her husband finally adopted.

Trinny Woodall - one half of BBC's What Not To Wear team - is celebrating the birth of her first child. Trinny, 39, and husband, Jonny Elichaoff have named their daughter Lila and they couldn't be happier. Trinny said: "I'm so happy, I can't tell you how overjoyed I am." The couple previously suffered years of baby heartbreak; Trinny suffered nine failed attempts at IVF and two miscarriages before falling pregnant last year.

Stunning isn't it? Made me feel better to know that even the richest of the rich aren't perfect! I am not taking joy in their pain... I just wish it was more publicized... Maybe then insurance companies would start covering the procedures and drugs neccessary.

The day is ending like it began... be exhausted and anxious to find out tomorrow what the scans will show.

I AM A FUCKING GIRL!

Ok where do I start... first of all omg all this medication is getting to my head. I am weepy at commercials I am miserable and I am annoyed ver very easily! I was sitting here and a commercial came on that literally brings tears not only to my eyes but causes them to roll down my cheeks... incredible. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atKVaG4nIVo

So my hubby decides to go out for ice cream... great. We take my sister her hubby and our niece and I order something simple... the lady says here you go sir. SIR! I shrugged it off and pretended I didn't want to reach across the ice cream counter (like Batman did to the Joker) and drag her skinny ass over to my side and punch her in the face. I allowed myself to appear unemotional... and yet again there are tears in my eyes... here I am upset and emotional. Stupid bitch! I am a fucking girl! The medication that I inject daily seems to be pooling just under my skin and I am sure I can feel it like little bubbles under the skin. Hopefully feeding the follicles their much needed growth good stuff. I laugh that I don't think in an entire cycle I had as much gonal-f in my system as I do here today on day THREE of my meds. Crazy!

I found a new show that I just must share with you. It is sooo friggin funny I just cannot share....it is too good. It is called Gene Simmons Family Jewels, He was that famous member of KISS... with the leather clothes and the holes in odd places and spikes and long tongue and that face makeup... He has a reality show about his family. They are the most SANE INSANE family I have seen. He makes me laugh whether it be because he is parasailing in Turks and Caicos or he is driving a car with teh "rap" hydraulics and he thinks he is going to die.. because the car is lifting and dropping... OR because his wife messed with the car and now its dead in the middle of the desert and the only one available to pick him up is CARROTTOP! YES HIM! HIM! Carrot top takes him under the stage and shows him where he makes all those hilarious props... On this particular day he is making jail bars for Paris Hilton and the bars are made of.. well Gene calls them "back massagers" We all know what they really are... VIBRATORS -- AND THEY ACTUALLY HAVE BATTERIES IN THEM! Well Gene picks one up and after a few moments he realizes that there was glue on it and it is now STUCK TO HIS HAND. He has to attend his sister-in law's wedding in mere moments and attends with a jacket over his arm... only to expose to Sharon (his long time girlfriend) that it is still stuck to his hand. I could not stop laughing.... this man is hilarious. He is always trying to create new business opportunities EVERYWHERE HE GOES... This is a show to watch and laugh. What is most ironic is that as megalomanical as he is his family is totally together. THe kids do recognize dad has an ego the size of Texas and he is always driving them nuts but at the end of it all he loves them. He wants them and he truly adores them. Some of us should be so lucky to have parents that give a shit and go out of their way to show us they do. What a sad day when we have broken families we have kids who don't understand love and then wonder why they are all screwed up. It all starts at home... Some of us come through the shit with a better understanding of what we want and need and others are just lost. OK wow that went off the rails a little. sorry. My mind just wanders. Now on to much much more important things. There is a fellow blogger here who after many losses and heartache and heartbreak got a POSITIVE pregnancy test today. Congratulations to you Gretchen I am totally thrilled! She gives us all HOPE! I would also like to send a great big hug to another special lady who had a transfer today. My heart is with you today. Pregnant until proven otherwise! ;)

I also have a very good friend who received a negative beta... and my heart breaks for her. We all know too well what it is like to received negative betas month after month. Please keep her in your thoughts.

A few blog posts ago I mentioned this wonderful shiatsu massaging chair... Here it is.

Girl I think you slipped outta gear!

Had my acupuncture this morning and shot myself up tonight with yet more meds! I already have moer meds in my system by day 4 than i did with my IUI's until day 15! HOLD ONTO YOUR HAT the bitch is coming back! Today I snapped at someone several times at work... good thing they are off for a couple days... I need to learn how to behave! The headache set in late in teh afternoon but totally doable. What I am having an issue with is my brain is totally scatterbrained.... to that end I forgot i had the car and was workign away working waiting for hubby to pick me up when he pings me and says hello... and i am like HI! THen I realize O SHIT I HAVE THE CAR! I am only 20 minutes late picking him up! Totally zoned out.. BRAINDEAD ME! OOPS... OK so yesterday I forgot to put what makes me laugh so tonight its a double!
What made me laugh today was my coworker at lunch... dude made a little person out of a piece of torn paper and straw condom... arms moved and everything... THEN the other guy made a penis on it... I laughed soo hard... it was soo funny! The double is that after he made it they put it on top of a plant.... TOO FUNNY! He took a picture so maybe I can share it! LOL! I laughed so hard... and all afternoon through the stress I just kept thinking and laughing! Well I am friggin exhausted again tongiht so I am heading to bed even earlier tonight! ONE OTHER THING... this GONAL-F is making me thirsty!! (think pretzels --- Friends afficionados will get the joke!) but seriously I drink soooooo much water its crazy!

The first day....

My Gonal-f Pen (225iu/night)




Drug pack.. has in it the wipes and the sharps container, as well as the extra needles.


















Well today I started my injections! WOOHOO! I decided that I would document it and share me giving myself my first injection of my IVF cycle. TWO WORDS.... FUCKING HURTS! OK so I had this brilliant idea... I would lose weight and it would help me to prepare bla bla bla. STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE! I lost all that happy fat... so now it hurts like hell when I give myself the needle. It is also a friggin load of medication 225iu is ALOT of meds and it burns. LOL! I am sure tomorrow thre will be a bruise but I have more acupuncture tomorrow morning... so it will add to the bruises any ways. I cannot beliegve it but Here are some pics of what will be happening everynight for pretty much the next 2 weeks. Please ignore the belly.. and the marks all over it... especially the ugly belly button!!

First and most importantly 130MIL --ICSI WHY AGAIN?

WOW what a day I don't even know where to start! Well ok I went into work and then I had to leave at 9 for my ultrasound... my first ultrasound of my IVF cycle.. exciting. So I got there very overfull bladder in tow and and people actually recognized me. 2 years later I am recognized... strange but kinda reassuring. So I have my ultrasound finally I can pee... note to self NEVER DRINK THAT MUCH AGAIN... I swear to you I spent the entire day peeing! Just as the bladder would empty it would fill again! I didn't want to be yelled at for an unfull bladder so now I go overboard! While I am in there it was please push on your left please push on your right side..lol Then she asked a bunch of questions about my period and my previous pregnancies... It was interesting. Then I waited for the nurse... i waited and waited and then a nurse called my name gave me my file and said they need to see you upstairs. I am not a hyperventilator but I went into totoal panic mode... OMG what is wrong?? I convinced myself something was wrong. There are no follicles and I have reached menopause or I am not really on my period (whoch is quite possible because it is soo light...but the cramps are a new version of torture!) I waited and waited I swear to you when the nurse came out and got me my I felt my heart actually stop beating... I had no colour in my face and I was sweating and shaking... We went into the room and I said oK what's wrong!? She was like O no since you are an IVF patient we are seeing you up here instead of you meeting downstairs with the regular nurses thats all. I was so relieved. After all I was worrying for nothing. First thing she did is check that the s/a came back and it was 130MILLION then she looks at me and says ummm why are you doing ICSI again? LOL! After explaining the whole thing again she was like ok well Doctor's orders so that takes presedence. I couldn't believe it that was it.. go buy your meds and tada!! Well I bought my meds got my pack and away I went... I went back to work and then had to leave again at 2:45 for my acupuncture appt.. that also went really well. HOORAY FOR ME! PINS AND NEEDLES AlL OVER AGAIN! ;) Hence the title of the blog...it works on 2 levels.. LOL!
I got home and had a voicemail telling me to start the meds tomorrow bloodwork looks fine. UMM I thought I was supposed to start tonight? O good grief! ALready a little confusion! That is ok though things only work well when there is a little stress for me. I need a little drama! ;)
O and my friend had her ultrasound today and she is 6w 5 days with one baby and one very large sac. HB was 150. Hooray keep up the good thoughts! I was so thrilled to get her e-mail today telling me the good news. SO I start my meds tomorrow 225iu of Gonal-f. THAT IS ALOT OF MEDICATION DAILY - return on Saturday morning! Probably start the cetrotide then as well. Going to keep up the acupuncture so that means back to that again on Thursday. I already had a chat with my 15 potential follicles on the left and 20 on teh right.. NOW is not the time to start misbehaving save that for after you are born.. Just grow and bury yourself into the cushiness!!

DAY ONE

Today is day one. Woohoo and yahoo! Tomorrow I have a doctor appt in the morning and acupuncture in the afternoon. I am really tired today.... my brain is just is on super high.... and I am just worn out. Hubby decided that for dinner we would go for ice cream I know you are laughing but try it sometime. It was just great... Onlyh at 9pm now I am hungry so I had pasta! That healthy! O AND YES I ATE my Hard boiled egg today...every day till ER Iknow... LOL! What made me laugh today.... how I work soo much better when under stress... laugh hmmm I made a joke today that made me laugh... I have been doing online scrap booking and went through all the pictures all dya yesterdya that I may use .. I laughed so hard at how goofy we are sometimes... and how much we have been through... funny to see how our bodies have changed since then too!! O well we are getting old.. that is supposed to happen right!?

Change.....

Well I am sure you all realize that my blog got a face uplift. I hope you like it...I figured it was time... I had been working on it for longer than I am willing to admit and with some help from a good friend who showed me how simple things can be instead of always looking for the hard way to do things... (thanks "baby") I thought it was time to put a face on here. We are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in September and its been almost as long that we have been TTC. I am so hoping this end of the journey will be happy one. On that note I am finally spotting... silent WOOHOO! That should make tomorrow DAY 1 which means I start stimming on Tuesday.
Laughter is great medicine. On that note thank you kat! I accidentally stated several nights ago that I had a night of uninterrupted sex when I OBVIOUSLY meant SLEEP! SLEEP!! NOT SEX! Rather large difference! LOL! HEE HEE!! I had a good laugh at that one.. I even shared it with my hubby who also laughed then thought.. .hmm maybe it was a subconcious thing telling you we need to pull an "all nighter" HA HA! NEVER HAPPEN!! I am too old and too tired!
Anywhoo I learned some new things while watching tv today I thought I would share. Did you know that cranberry's were in pemmecin? Did you also know that cranberries are in COSMOS? So from now on while trying to avoid UTI's have a cosmo several times a week! LOL! If (espoecially women) drank a glass of cranberry juice a day they would be able to ward off the bacteria that builds up in the urinary tract.. Now for the really interesting thing. Cranberry cocktail has little to NO REAL CRANBERRY JUICE! So if you were thinking that drinking cranberru cocktail was doing anything.. you are wrong. Isn't that good to know. I am so limited to what I can and can't drink as it is I always thought that dam juice was not only going to be good for me but tasty as well. One last thought... please keep good thoughts for my friend.. (I mentioned her perviously) her 8 week ultrasound is Tuesday. Thank you. She needs all the positive thoughts and prayers she can get.

Hiccups

I have crazy hiccups tonight... driving me nutso! So this post will be short. OK first of all RIP Bernie Mac. I watch soo many hospital shows and how many times have I heard them say sarcoidosas? How sad he died from that. Life is too short! Truly! Saw Pineapple Express today and the movie has some really funny moments... but ultimately its not a "superbad" or "knocked up" I am so glad I am not a stoner.. but still I laugh at stoneresque movies. Weird I know. AF is still playing hide and seek. AND HIDING STILL! FRIGGIN HELL MAN I have the cramps and I am for once awaiting it. Ironically enough a month from now I will be praying it hides again!! I am so tired and still have hiccups and I am hoping for a full nights sleep tonght.. I have yet to sleep through the night yet.. still up every hour.. but at least getting sleep. I will take that! WHat made me laugh today.. hmm I acutally laughed alot at the movie but really what had alsmost in tears today is my niece. She is 3 1/2 years old and she does and says the funniest things. She stood there with her legs spread and said unkie come under so he wouold slide under her.. like when you are dancing then she would straddle walk over him and then she would go under his legs. It was really funny to watch. She loves to dance and sing and laugh. Anytime I spend with her she makes me laugh. She is one of the most precious gifts we have ever received in our family. I cannot image having a bad day and comng home to her cause she will always make you smile!

PETA - Hang your heads in shame!

OK so I will start this off with an offtopic conversation. I am totally disgusted that anyone can take such a horrific tragedy and decide to take the pain and suffering and try to turn it into a way to garnish support for your cause. For those of you in the US who are probably not aware of what happened this week in Manitoba there was a man on a greyhound bus who was for no apparent reason just because...he is a psycho decided to stab a man to death then behead him and hold his head up high, gut him cut off parts of him and then take bites out of him. He was sleeping... Did nothing to invoke such complete and total anger. Anyways. PETA decided this was a good oppportunity to try to publish the statement to the left here in the local paper. I am so glad that no paper would dare do this. However just the thought that someone could be so uncaring and callous to even create this kind of ad shows us what is wrong with this world. I will take this chance to tell you that I am not a vegan or vegetarian and I have nothing against those that are... but how can you support someone who does something so cruel. This poor family is grieving.. really the whole nation seems to be. Tim (the victim) was 22 years old and he could have been anyone's brother, son, husband. So I repeat hang your head in shame.

OK Nnow that I am done with that rant... on to better things. WHERE IN THE HELL IS MY PERIOD!?? I am so annoyed that it is still MIA! HURRY UP AND COME DAMMIT! I am done the pills and I usually get it during the pills so what the hell? On a more positive note I have this wonderful new treat. Thank you TIFFY!! It is this shiatsu chair... i love the massage... my back feels soo wonderful.. I am so happy. I hope I can still use it when I am stimming it will help me relax... I will be doing that PLUS the acupuncture so that should really help release the stress from IVF. I have attached a picture.. I LOVE IT!

Something that made me laugh. Well I watched the finale of Last Comic Standing and laughed my ass off at Marcus.... sorry he should have won. Sometimes I wonder what America is thinking when they vote... I have had a myriad of emotions today actually. I woke up and I was so glad I had almost a full night of uninterrupted sex... I was so happy!! Then I came downstairs and I just started crying... I cannot even tell you why I just did. Tonight I watched Hopkins and Deliver me... Hopkins had you believing the guy got a successful liver transplant only to find out at the end that a couple months later he had a blocked artery and died. So I start thinking of how short life is and how unpredictable it can be... so I am crying... I decide OK I will watch deliver me now. This is a show about 3 OBGYNs and stories of pregnancies... sometimes it just makes me feel good to see happy endings.. especially when you don't think they will end that way... BUT this episode was just so sad.. woman contracted CSV in her first trimester... didn't end well... went in at 31 weeks to talk to a perineonatologist and they do an ultrasound... baby is gone already... Brought me right back to that moment when we found out Grace and Anna were gone... I remember looking at the ultrasound and seeing no more flicker of the heart.. no more movement no more life... My heart just broke for that poor woman. A pain I know all to well. SO again I am bawling my eyes out. OK ENOUGH OF THAT NONSENSE! I decide to come on and read the blogs of all the wonderful ladies online... I draw such strength from you all. You are my hope and my inspiration! I wish you knew how much you touch me with your honesty and strength. I have been working on a new look for my blog... for a while now. I finally get it done and it looks great to me.... NOW I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET IT ON THE BLOG!!

If anyone knows how to get scrapblog onto your blog... please share!! I am losing my mind trying to navigate the HTML code.

4 Hours and last 2 pills

Four hours sleep last night. WOHOO! I love it... I survived the day and I am feeling a little tired now so maybe a ful night tonight!? I finished the last 2 pills today (silent woohoo) So hopefully the sleepless nights are over! THank you for sending over the sheep i counted up to over 1000 last night.. seems to have doen the trick!
OK so funny thing.. What made me laugh today? HMM I read a wonderful blog that brough such a huge smile to my face... this woman overcomes soo many challenges and keeps going and she is truly an inspiration. THank you for making me smile! :)

NEED SLEEP... MUST SLEEP!!

I started the provera and started to get cramps and moodiness within days. Then Monday night I couldn't sleep... I figured it was cause I was jsut coming back from vacation and I was nervous.. then again Tuesday night a couple hours of sleep and I am wide awake I have never ever experienced insomnia before... it is tryly horrible. I want to sleep! I NEED TO SLEEP! BUT I CANNOT! After tossing and turning a hundred times and waking up poor sleeping hubby I decided to come downstairs... so I come down at 2am and watch tv for hours and then i hear hubby screaming for me... I begrudgingly come back to bed and lay there with my eyes open for hours. That didn't help... I am so desperate for sleep... I have never gone 2 nights without sleep.. I know you are laughing at me thinking its good prep for when we finally have a baby... don't think that doesn't occur to me... however I need sleep and there is just no reason for not sleeping. Apparently this is a side effect of higher doses of provera. I am so so so glad that tomorrow is my last 2 pills! WOO HOO!!! Then my friend can come and we can get started. Please send me good sleep thoughts for tonight... If I can get 6 hours I would be so happy!! Is that asking for too much?

comments

I LOVE COMMENTS! I love reading them leaving them and it just totally makes my day to read that someone left me a comment.. makes me feel loved.... isn't that bizzare!?

Quick update is I have MAJOR CRAMPS and moodiness so the provera is working! Bring on the AF!!! I am ready!

two years worth of blogs in 6 hours!

I found this incredible blog today and I basically spent a full day reading this woman's journey.... SHe is INCREDIBLE! I am not only astounded at her strength and determination but I am shocked at how no matter what life throws at her she is confidant and positive and praises God for everything. She was truly blessed with beautiful children and I only wish that all of us are so fortunate! I started my provera today so I guess I am almost officially started onto this roller coaster. I have the cramps so I know it will work soon... I am excited and nervous all at once. THis will be a great month!! I want to be like the little engine that could... I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN! On another note my sister left my niece with us on Friday since we were on vacation and I just cannot tell you how much love I have for that child. I swear to you I cannot imagine loving anyone more than I love her. We had so much fun when she first arrived she wanted to play a game so we played then we went upstairs and woke up uncle Roy. She gave him a kiss and he woke up with this smile... then she decided to jump up and down on the bed and tickle him... I really hope that one day we can wake "daddy" up like that... What I meant to say is I look forward to the day we do that. :) Once we were all awake she decided she wanted to dance to her new favorite song. "Bleed it out" by Linkin Park.
She dances soo funny... just jumps around... I showed her how to throw your fist int he ari while dancing and videotaped it... it was very funny. I can't share it online but you just have to rust me its adorable! We then started to bake cookies... and cupcakes... very different looking cupcakes and hand cookies. Here are some pictures..


I let her do alot of the work. I let her help crack the egg and mix the ingredients both with the whisk and with the mixer. SHe also helped scoop the batter into the cones and decorate the cookies and frost the cupcakes. She really loved helping auntie. Soon after we finished with that it was time to go "nini" (sleep) I put her upstairs in her "princess bed" and read her some stories and made her promise me that she would sleep, I told her that if she sleeps that she would have a present waiting for her when she woke up. About an hour later I was in the kitchen and I could just sense that someone was watching me. I turn around and there is Carmie sitting on the stair with her woofy in her hands.. Auntie I slept where is my present? I laughed and said O no you don't. I took her back upstairs and gave her a stern talking to. She promised me she would sleep.... and then said AUntie I don't like this bed. So I put her to sleep in our bed instead. This little sweetheart sleeps with about 10 dolls... stuffed animals etc. I think the bed she was in was too small.. once I put her in our bed I checkd on her about 30 minutes later she was fast asleep snoring. WHEW! I was exhausted!! She slept for a good 2 hours! Woke up and I brought her downstairs and she asked for her present.. which I happily gave her. It was a new stuffed toy that unzips and has a blanket that come out. Then I took her downstairs to see daddy who had arrived earlier and was in the basement with my hubby. She came back upsiars aned wanted tot go outside and water the plants so I let her do that as well... right after her cupcake. Soon my sister came home I showed her the pics and videos I took and then we went back to her place to hang out. What a great day it was alot of fun!