Canada Day Weekend 2010

We celebrated Canada Day by blowing up a small part of it! ;)

Canada Day weekend we spent up in God's country amazing nature animals and right on the water.  We truly had the time of our lives... here are some pictures we took.

Some random pictures I took while on a drive and a few flowers from my garden..

So much to say....

Where do I start?  Today is the 4 year anniversary of the birth of my daughters.  Hard to imagine it's been 4 years .. where has the time gone!?  Ironically so much has happened in the past 4 years.  Both good and bad.  I am lucky enough to have a niece and a nephew now and they are truly the light of my life.  Due to my extreme kidney problems I will be unable to have a child.  I am 34 years old and that was one of the most devastating doctor appointments I have ever had.  My kidneys are both functioning at 25% and as time goes by they are getting progressively worse and I will eventually need to go on dialysis and or get a kidney transplant.  There is no possibility of me carrying a pregnancy and not being on dialysis during the pregnancy and the doctors have insisted I not even try any more.  Sadly that will be the end of the journey down the winding path of infertility.  From now on it will only be the winding path of Auntiedom.  I love being an aunt it fills a part of my heart that was left empty.  It in no way shape or form replaces the hole my daughters left.  Nothing ever will.  When my niece hugs me or says something to me that makes me laugh it gives me a feeling of happiness I thought I would never know.  When my nephew crawls over to where I am sitting I am almost in tears because it's so amazing.  I imagine these kids will never know how much I love them or understand why but they keep me going.  So this means my blog will now be changing.  I won't put any pictures up of the kids because I am not their parents and it's not my place to show them.  I love photography so I will be changing this blog to more of a place to display my photographs and stories.  I will change the layout and template design of the blog but it is really still me. 

UPDATE

I know it has been a long time since I posted and I apologize.  SOOO much to tell so little space to write.  HA HA!  What a life... certainly and undeniably not the one I thought I would have but at the end of the day this is the hand I was dealt.  I have the most amazing niece and nephew.  They really do fill the void in my heart that I have.  Maybe not all the way but alot of the way.  Everytime I hear my niece say Auntie I swear to you I feel my heart actually stop beating for just a moment and my nephew who may only be 6 months but already has me wrapped around his fingers....  It has been 2 weeks without them because I have been sick and I miss them so much.  My sister sends me a picture of them and I see how big they are already!!!!  They are just beyond adorable.  OK you get it I know Heart filled.



In the wonderful world of infertility nothing has changed.  I have an appointment with my kidney specialist and that is where my focus is right now but thank you to all who have sent me messages and asked.  I am so touched that people care.  

My Nephew is HERE & I am on a journey.......

The day I had dreaded for the past 10 months came on Monday... an almost 10lb baby boy!
My sister who has also had to deal with infertility and miscarriages gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever had the privlige of seeing... I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle seeing a baby, holding a baby, being around a baby.  I thought my entire world would crash and I would never recover.  This is the first baby I have held since my girls... and even though it's been over 3 years it is still something that hurts and something that sticks with you.  I walked into the hospital with my niece and all I could think about was don't fall apart in front of your sister.  She just went through a hellish labour... The moment I saw him and held him in my arms I melted like a chocolate bar in the microwave.... My heart literally stopped he is just so perfect and so beautiful and those feelings and sadness dissapeared.  This little boy has stolen my heart.  I have a nephew... someone new I can spoil and play with.  My sister who is my new hero. I cannot tell you how terrible her labour was lets just leave at my hero... Like singing "have I ever told you your my hero?  You're everything I would like to be!!  LOL  Think Bette, red hair and beaches ;)  I was lucky enough to see this little boy twice in one day... perfect and innocent and BIG did I mention he was almost 10lbs!??  Queue that hero song again... LOL!  I am working through my issues but now I have something great something wonderful in my life and I am thankful for that. 

On another note I am on a 40 day journey.  This is an amazing journey, a spiritual journey through a book which helping me try to figure out my purpose here on earth.  I highly reccommend it.... It is a different kind of book and it is extremely religious but it gives me alot to think about.  Sometimes you sit and wonder why am I here?  What is my purpose.... this book is helping me realize that there may be more to my life than the fact that I am barren.  Every night you read a chapter... Each chapter you learn a new lesson and each chapter I realize I have so much I need to think about.  There is a life outside of being a mommy... if you talk to MOST mommys they want something outside of being a mommy and I am looking to just be a mommy.  Funny how life is.  I am trying to focus on being a better person.. and not focus on what I don't have and can't have but instead on what I do have... like my beautiful niece and my brand new perfect little nephew.  Both are blessings not just to their parents but also to me.  I hope that they will grow up knowing that I will always be there for them for whatever they need. 
Please join me in congratulations to my sister and her family on their perfect new addition to their family!

In Rememberance..............

Tonight in rememberance of not only my girls but every baby lost I lit my 2 candles.  Here are some pictures.  I like to think about what it would look like from heaven all these candles lit across the world.  I think all our children in heaven are smiling tonight knowing we still remember them and long for them.  There is not one second of one minute of one day that I don't think about them.  You would like to think 3 years later that your heart doesn't ache or that your grief is gone.  Sadly its not and it hasn't.  This day is to be not selfish and only remember or think about my own loss but to have every other person's loss in my memory as well.  Today I rememebered for everyone. 

Wave of Light for October 15th

Thank you in advance for lighting a candle in memory of all our angels

Paging Dr Kelly....

Yesterday while driving home from my inlaws my husband and I were having a conversation about our past and regrets we have.  He said the funniest thing to me.  He said I should go back to school and become a Doctor.  Ya a 33 year old going through school to be a Doctor... thats almost funny.  IRONICALLY... that is one of MY regrets.  That I wasted so much time and money and having nothing so show for it... I would have much rathered gone to school and became a Doctor.  I would have loved to have done that... instead.  He asked me if I was a Doctor what my specialty would have been... What is really funny is I didn't even have to think about it.  I would want to work in the neonatology area with children... but anyone who knows me knows that would be the world's worst idea.... I tend to become attached to people so imagine how attached I would become to a sick baby or their families.  That would be bad but at the same time I would get to spend time with children and since I don't get to have that here at home....  I wonder... He also mentioned to me his regret... a job he always wanted.  Funny the conversations you have.  For the record I encouraged him to try his.. I think like most things in my life.. again its too late for mine.  Maybe I can be the world's oldest candy striper?  HA HA!  I sure wish this was one of the things that the psychic mentioned to me all those years ago.. instead of setting me up for a heartbreak and colossal waste of money and time.

Existing vs Living?

I saw something on Dr Oz today that made me think.  Are you living or are you existing?  If God forbid the worst happens to you... do you something to live for... something to hold on to?  It's a totally human thing to think about isn't it?  What is true happiness?  Is happiness sitting in front of the tv, watching everything on the television or pvr'd?  Spending time playing video games or hanging out with hubby?  Is that truly living?  Or is it just existing?  What defines existing vs living?  I feel like a teacher.. today class this is your homework.. determine whether you are existing or just living.... LOL!  Tell me your thoughts....

I haven't made a comment in a long time.  For that I am sorry.  There have been lots of things going on and I don't even know where to start.  My sister is expecting a boy in November she is over 7 months now and definitely showing.  My little nephew is growing and it is going to be a big change for all of us.  I am looking forward to becoming an aunt again.  It really is an exciting time. 

We went to the local Pearl Jam concert last week.  We had alot of fun... amazing concert.  It is so nice to escape every once in a while.  I love feeling free of all burdens and just letting go and enjoying ourselves.  There really is nothing like it.  I highly reccommend going to a concert and just jumping up and down and pounding a fist in the air and screaming and singing along with the band.. whatever the band.  Very freeing!

An emotional day.........

Yesterday was 3 years ago we went for our big ultrasound and discovered that Grace was gone, but also that they were girls. A truly bittersweet moment. Ironically yesterday my sister had her "big ultrasound" and although we all thought she was having a girl.. it showed she is having a BOY! I cannot believe it and I am in total shock! It was an odd day because I am thrilled for her but sad for me at the same time. What helped was that they went to celebrate and we spent the evening babysitting my niece who is 4 and a BALL OF ENERGY! She loves playing in my house and we love having her around. She went upstairs to the room where my girls reside.. and grabbed a teddy bear and was playing with it.. I honestly didn't want her to play with it but I really don't say no to her too much so I let her. This teddy bear was a gift from the funeral home when I cremated my girls so it is very special to me. She took it outside and insisted it sit on the patio chair (see pic below) and anywhere she went to play she had to bring it with her. In fact the funniest thing happened. We were out the front playing and she ran back to the backyard... I couldn't figure out why I chased her down and she said I couldn't leave the teddy alone in the backyard he has to be with us. I try not to see signs I try not think about things... but I am wondering if my girls were telling her to play with the teddy almost like a sign that they know I am thinking about them and that they are ok with her being my surrogate replacement for them since we clearly have nothing. Maybe I am just wanting to believe it but it kinda makes me smile and anything that makes me smile.... is a good thing in my book. This weekend marks the 3rd anniversary of worst day of my life... the birth of my girls. I cannot believe its been 3 years and I cannot beleive that it still hurts so much. Only love can hurt that deeply. So to all you women out there.. hug your children rub your pregnant bellies and realize you have a gift some can only dream of...

I wrote this poem... I have moments when words just come to me... this was one of them.

THREE YEARS

Three years of sadness, three years of pain,

Three years of teardrops falling like rain,

Three years of anger bitterness and fear

Three years of wishing & prayin you were still here

Three years of hope and faith torn apart

Three years of walking around with a broken heart

Three years of asking and wondering why

Three years of wishing we never had to say goodbye

Three years of memories taken away from me

Three years of wondering why its not meant to be

Three years of prayers that were all in vein

Three years closer to holding you again

Shellie-Marie Kelly

3 years................................

Hard to believe that 3 years ago I was looking forward to my 30th birthday pregnant and expecting twins. Harder to belive that 3 years later we are still "waiting" for that magical moment to repeat itself. I never imagined that I would be 33 and not have any children. All I have ever wanted out of my life was my own children. On the eve of my birthday it seems to me to be bittersweet... I try not to think too much about the fact that if things had worked out differently I would have almost 3 year old girls running around the house.. and life would be so much more different. I have decisions to make about what the future holds for us fertility wise but that is a story for another time. I follow many blogs and I am very happy for all of you that have been successful. I worry about posting my thoughts and emotions because I never want to take away from the happiness those who are successful feel... even if it does feel like a knife to the heart of those of us who aren't successful. The good news is that there aren't many of us left out of the group who haven't been successful so that is truly good news.

Alternate realities, Coma, AF and a new pregnancy!

SOO much to say!!

I am not sure if any of you watch a show called Fringe... but the finale was awesome... The best part the part that got me was that there was an alternate version of this reality.. basically same world different results. I started thinking about it.. wouldn't it be amazing if that were true? We could just travel to the alternate reality and take things and bring them back here. I would bring back my girls and right the wrong from this world. In case you didn't see the finale I don't want to put up what happened... suffice to say I am loving the idea!! The other thought that I have had lately was that this life, this shitty waste of a life that I am living is really only a dream..... I am really in a coma and this hell yes that is what I am thinking this is.. HELL... is all just a figment of my imagination... like your mind putting all your fears and nightmares in one place. How I wish that were true.... I know its not but that would make so much more sense. I am trying to not be filled with anger and jealousy and hurt at all the crap I have to go through. I am fighting my own demons and I will win... but I would really like to know is this for real? All this pain and hurt and sadness is it really something that I just have to suffer through as a test to achieve my goal or is it just the way life is going to be for me? I must have been someone worse than Hitler in my past life to have to go through all this in this one.
On a positive note.... AF FINALLY CAME 10 months late but its here... I don't even want to tell you about the cramps and the heavy and I do mean HEAVYNESS of it! It snuck up on me and I have mixed emotions about it. Yes I am happy to know I am not going through menopause.. that is a great thing. But now I need to really TRY TRY TRY TRY and that is BD BD BD BD! You know once it leaves! Can you really say you spent the last 10 months "trying" when you didn't have a period? I am just not sure... seems like a huge waste of time doesn't it!? i AM NOT GIVING UP! I AM JUST NOT READY TO DO THAT YET! I wonder though will I ever be?
OK on another positive note... My sister has finally reached her second trimester which means this pregnancy is sticking. I am thrilled for her and ask for you to all send her your good thoughts and prayers. After 8 miscarriages it finally worked for her. This is great news and I thought it would be nice to end the blog on a positive note. ;)

Mothers Day

I apologize for being a bad blogger... sometimes its just that there is nothing worth while to say.
First of all whether you are a new mom and old mom a mom of a child here on earth or a child in heaven I wish you all a very happy mother's day. I know very well how heartbreaking mothers day is when you are here but your child(ren) are not. You want that moment so badly and you hate that others are lucky enough to have those moments with their children... then you hate yourself for feeling that way. I feel your pain I feel your frustration and for those of you that are newly pregnant or have little ones enjoy these moments and cherish them, for there are many of us out there who will never have those moments. Take care of yourselves.

I found this wonderful poem that really sums it up for those of us that don't have our children here on earth.

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.
~ by Jody Seilheimer ~

Happily Ever After.....

Happily ever after... I sat and watched a movie last night... made of honour.. Your typical chick flick... leaves you feeling like something is missing in your life. I started thinking of how the day I got married I had those butterflies and those incredible thoughts and feelings.. the thoughts of how wonderful the future will be and how naive I really was back then. You stand in front of God and your families promising to stay together through thick and through thin till death do you part. What happens when the tough times come? DO you ever really think about what you will do when the worst thing happens? When the tough times come? You think, you want to believe that love your LOVE will be enough and will pull you through it all. The reality is that it won't its your faith that will. I don't just mean faith in the biblical sense.. although a little of that won't hurt either. Faith that the person you love the person you married in front of God and all your friends is who you need and who you want who will stick with you through all the tough times and they won't turn and leave when things get tough. They will be your strength and help you become a better person because it was meant to be and your faith in each other and your love for one another will be enough to pull you back from the depths of despair. There are so many tests, deaths, births, heartaches, those damn emotions are so difficult to control. You hurt in ways you never thought possible because you love this person, they would never do anything to hurt you... at least not intentionally. The truth is that when you fall in love you let your feelings and emotions cloud your better judgement and your lust because really alot of love is made up of lust... fool you into believing that nothing can ever tear you apart or break you up. When you feel lonely or sad this person will be there to pick you up and help you out, make everything better. What happens when that is all gone and you are stuck. Do you fight and hope the person changes or do you turn your back on all you believed was right? Do you lose your faith and your hope? Is there something that can heal a broken heart? How do you know when enough is enough and its time to accept it? How dare these movies make everything look like its all happily ever after when really its more unhappily ever after... More like how much heartbreak and dissapointment can a marriage take? Let the truth be known sometimes LOVE isn't enough.... sometimes love is not all flowers and roses its hard work and its heartache!!

At the end of the tunnel is there a light or is it just dimming slowly?

Have you ever wondered what life would be like 10 years into your marriage? Well I always thought that we would be happily married with 2 kids and a house. Reality is a cruel bitch! 10 years married and we have spent the better part of our 10 year marriage trying to have a baby and going through infertility treatments. I fear that now we have to accept the truth... we cannot have children and must scrap the plans we had but the question remains can we survive just the two of us? Is there really life after unsuccessful TTC? I want to say that we can and there is but I am starting to fear that is no thte case. I have lost all interest in BD or any kind of D!! He is miserable and therefore I am miserable... I am scared that without children we will soon realize that we have nothing in common anymore and will grow apart. After everything we have been through I have always thought and believed we could overcome anything and jump any obstacle but I am just not that sure anymore. I think about our future and I am not seeing that happy future I always had seen before, I am scared to even think about how lonely our future is going to be. I have always had hope.. I believe there is still hope but what is really scary is that lately I have been having some very odd things going on with my body. I am having hot flashes and moodiness and NO and I mean TMI HERE LADIES ...... NO LIBIDO! Get away from me isn't even close to what I feel... I hate my life... it is total crap.. i have crappy feelings and feeling of dread and sadness constantly! I do have a dr appt this week because I have had an MIA AF for the past 7 or 8 months... so I am thinking that has something to do with it (lack of AF), maybe its a hormone thing . BUT I am worried that I am going through perimenopause. IF I go through menopause I have nothing left... no hope.. no faith nothing. There is nothing in this world more scary to me than that...

Earth Hour

Just a quick post cause I had to show a few pics of how I spent Earth Hour. I think it is so funny that for an hour ONE HOUR a year... people can't shut off the lights. I know this is really gonna shock all of you... but EVEN I shut off the TV!! I sat for an hour and read a magazine. Caught up on my gossip... just a couple months late!!! I hope you all spent earth hour in the dark as well. What would Earth Hour be without me taking pictures!!!

Secrets........................

Some days my secrets are shown right across my face... other days I am able to hide it.

BUT I have a secret for you...

People ask me constantly how I moved on and how I was able to get up everyday

Here is the answer.

Life is unbelievable, it thows you curves and gives you a future you never saw and never wanted. You sit and cry most nights and your heartache grows with every new pregnancy announced and every baby you see. Today I was driving home from work listening to some great "screamy music" Linkin Park! I was sitting at a red light.... and there in front of me was amom in a minivan and you could literally see her losing her mind.. the kids were obviously fighting and she was doing her best to get them to behave... and all I could think of... is I will never have that moment. Never have to say "don't make me turn this car around" or "don't make me come back there" I think that people really take all these moments for granted while people like us sit there and die a little inside at the thought of missing out. So how do I move on how do I get up everyday. I have hope. Hope that there is more to this life... that people and doctors are wrong. Aside from that... I have just stopped caring! My husband and I used to have the biggest fights we would scream and throw things... ok I would throw things.. but still it was so passionate. The problem is that I just don't care anymore. You always think worst case scenario well for me... worst case scenario already happened. What could be worse.... what could be worse than having your dreams ripped out of you.. waking every day wondering if today is the day that your babies will die inside of you. Losing them and going through horrendous labour and holding your dead babies in your arms. I ask you what can be worse? A stupid fight about sex or money? Not bloody likely! I feel like I am just dead inside.... emotionally. I am really good at acting. I spend all day at work working my ass off and making jokes and putting on a great show. The truth is if I had my choice I would never get out of bed again. I would lock myself in my house because it is my safe zone. Noone can hurt me in here. I am not forced to be fake here, I don't have to deal with people and their babies and their happy little lives. I don't have to pretend here. Here I can be real. Here I am who I am and to hell with anyone and everyone else. How 3 years later it is possible to still feel so raw and torn apart is beyond my comprehension but I do. I miss what could have been.... I miss what should have been. I wonder if I can sustain this marriage... this life without being a mom. I fear that I can't.

As I sit here and drink my glass of wine from a box that has been in my fridge since before Christmas... I am thinking to myself how funny life is. How things happen that you never expected and how short life can be, how full of surprises both good and bad, how 3 years later you can still shed tears for hours at just the thought of something sad that changed your life forever and how the other side fo the spectum things can make you smile and laugh like never before. For those who don't know me I am an addict. I have a real problem... but its not one you are thinking.. I am addicted to televeision. I PVR approximately 50hours a week! FIFTY HOURS! People call me TV guide. AND to make matters worse while I am watching TV at night or on weekends (cause when else can you possibly catch up on it?) I am on the computer catching up on blogs, gossip. tweeting or facebook. Why do I do this you ask? Well I think that its my version of an escape. Some of the shows are sad or mysterious... others make me laugh right out loud and yet others are medical and I feel like I am learning.... Do you ever think of your life and wish you could have a do-over? I wish I could do over my entire life!! There are very very few things that I wouldn't change. There are some people in my life that I would die without so I believe thy are in my life for a reason. They are both friends and family! (in case you were wondering) It is a truly amazing world that we are living in and to think that we are all only here for one lifetime and some of us are made to suffer through unheardof moments.. .moments that would rip your heart right out of your body and yet you still survive... you still find a way to continue on. Just seems so unfair doesn't it? I never ever imagined that my life would be what it is. I never thought for one second that I would not be a mother. I always believed it in my heart.... to tell you the truth I think a big part of me still believes I will be even though I have been told different. It is all I ever wanted.. since I was a little girl and played mommy.... It is just not a truth I can accept. I never will... I can imagine sitting in my rocking chair rocking back and forth with grey hair and my husband sitting right next to me..... and still believing I will be a mom. I think as women we take it for granted that it is just something that will happen. FOr many of us MANY MANY of us an increasing number of us... it won't happen without help. It may not happen at all.... For those of us in Ontario Canada they are having a march. A march on Mothers day where all people like "us" are going to push empty strollers to Queens Park to demand that they pay for infertility treatments... the very thought of it both excites and terrifies me. For those who are in the area.. please do it... I think that it is a great idea.
http://www.conceivabledreams.org/cd/mdm.html I encourage anything that makes the government realize this is becoming a real problem, an epidemic!

Guess Who!?

Can you guess who this is? Unbelievable that they are aging this character! My niece loves her and I am just not sure how much she will be able to do? You may not recognize her since she doesn't have a backpack or boots! OOPS did I give it away? What do you think? Alot of parents are in an uproar about it! I think its kinda funny but odd at the same time!
Thank you for the messages I received yesterday as always I am touched and I am amazed at the support I continue to get from you. You are all amazing women!! I love each and every one of you. Thank you! I have really been surrounded lately by compassion and love and mostly from people who don't really know me. You really start to see who you can count on and who can show you a love like none other.