Existing vs Living?

I saw something on Dr Oz today that made me think.  Are you living or are you existing?  If God forbid the worst happens to you... do you something to live for... something to hold on to?  It's a totally human thing to think about isn't it?  What is true happiness?  Is happiness sitting in front of the tv, watching everything on the television or pvr'd?  Spending time playing video games or hanging out with hubby?  Is that truly living?  Or is it just existing?  What defines existing vs living?  I feel like a teacher.. today class this is your homework.. determine whether you are existing or just living.... LOL!  Tell me your thoughts....

I haven't made a comment in a long time.  For that I am sorry.  There have been lots of things going on and I don't even know where to start.  My sister is expecting a boy in November she is over 7 months now and definitely showing.  My little nephew is growing and it is going to be a big change for all of us.  I am looking forward to becoming an aunt again.  It really is an exciting time. 

We went to the local Pearl Jam concert last week.  We had alot of fun... amazing concert.  It is so nice to escape every once in a while.  I love feeling free of all burdens and just letting go and enjoying ourselves.  There really is nothing like it.  I highly reccommend going to a concert and just jumping up and down and pounding a fist in the air and screaming and singing along with the band.. whatever the band.  Very freeing!

An emotional day.........

Yesterday was 3 years ago we went for our big ultrasound and discovered that Grace was gone, but also that they were girls. A truly bittersweet moment. Ironically yesterday my sister had her "big ultrasound" and although we all thought she was having a girl.. it showed she is having a BOY! I cannot believe it and I am in total shock! It was an odd day because I am thrilled for her but sad for me at the same time. What helped was that they went to celebrate and we spent the evening babysitting my niece who is 4 and a BALL OF ENERGY! She loves playing in my house and we love having her around. She went upstairs to the room where my girls reside.. and grabbed a teddy bear and was playing with it.. I honestly didn't want her to play with it but I really don't say no to her too much so I let her. This teddy bear was a gift from the funeral home when I cremated my girls so it is very special to me. She took it outside and insisted it sit on the patio chair (see pic below) and anywhere she went to play she had to bring it with her. In fact the funniest thing happened. We were out the front playing and she ran back to the backyard... I couldn't figure out why I chased her down and she said I couldn't leave the teddy alone in the backyard he has to be with us. I try not to see signs I try not think about things... but I am wondering if my girls were telling her to play with the teddy almost like a sign that they know I am thinking about them and that they are ok with her being my surrogate replacement for them since we clearly have nothing. Maybe I am just wanting to believe it but it kinda makes me smile and anything that makes me smile.... is a good thing in my book. This weekend marks the 3rd anniversary of worst day of my life... the birth of my girls. I cannot believe its been 3 years and I cannot beleive that it still hurts so much. Only love can hurt that deeply. So to all you women out there.. hug your children rub your pregnant bellies and realize you have a gift some can only dream of...

I wrote this poem... I have moments when words just come to me... this was one of them.

THREE YEARS

Three years of sadness, three years of pain,

Three years of teardrops falling like rain,

Three years of anger bitterness and fear

Three years of wishing & prayin you were still here

Three years of hope and faith torn apart

Three years of walking around with a broken heart

Three years of asking and wondering why

Three years of wishing we never had to say goodbye

Three years of memories taken away from me

Three years of wondering why its not meant to be

Three years of prayers that were all in vein

Three years closer to holding you again

Shellie-Marie Kelly

3 years................................

Hard to believe that 3 years ago I was looking forward to my 30th birthday pregnant and expecting twins. Harder to belive that 3 years later we are still "waiting" for that magical moment to repeat itself. I never imagined that I would be 33 and not have any children. All I have ever wanted out of my life was my own children. On the eve of my birthday it seems to me to be bittersweet... I try not to think too much about the fact that if things had worked out differently I would have almost 3 year old girls running around the house.. and life would be so much more different. I have decisions to make about what the future holds for us fertility wise but that is a story for another time. I follow many blogs and I am very happy for all of you that have been successful. I worry about posting my thoughts and emotions because I never want to take away from the happiness those who are successful feel... even if it does feel like a knife to the heart of those of us who aren't successful. The good news is that there aren't many of us left out of the group who haven't been successful so that is truly good news.

Alternate realities, Coma, AF and a new pregnancy!

SOO much to say!!

I am not sure if any of you watch a show called Fringe... but the finale was awesome... The best part the part that got me was that there was an alternate version of this reality.. basically same world different results. I started thinking about it.. wouldn't it be amazing if that were true? We could just travel to the alternate reality and take things and bring them back here. I would bring back my girls and right the wrong from this world. In case you didn't see the finale I don't want to put up what happened... suffice to say I am loving the idea!! The other thought that I have had lately was that this life, this shitty waste of a life that I am living is really only a dream..... I am really in a coma and this hell yes that is what I am thinking this is.. HELL... is all just a figment of my imagination... like your mind putting all your fears and nightmares in one place. How I wish that were true.... I know its not but that would make so much more sense. I am trying to not be filled with anger and jealousy and hurt at all the crap I have to go through. I am fighting my own demons and I will win... but I would really like to know is this for real? All this pain and hurt and sadness is it really something that I just have to suffer through as a test to achieve my goal or is it just the way life is going to be for me? I must have been someone worse than Hitler in my past life to have to go through all this in this one.
On a positive note.... AF FINALLY CAME 10 months late but its here... I don't even want to tell you about the cramps and the heavy and I do mean HEAVYNESS of it! It snuck up on me and I have mixed emotions about it. Yes I am happy to know I am not going through menopause.. that is a great thing. But now I need to really TRY TRY TRY TRY and that is BD BD BD BD! You know once it leaves! Can you really say you spent the last 10 months "trying" when you didn't have a period? I am just not sure... seems like a huge waste of time doesn't it!? i AM NOT GIVING UP! I AM JUST NOT READY TO DO THAT YET! I wonder though will I ever be?
OK on another positive note... My sister has finally reached her second trimester which means this pregnancy is sticking. I am thrilled for her and ask for you to all send her your good thoughts and prayers. After 8 miscarriages it finally worked for her. This is great news and I thought it would be nice to end the blog on a positive note. ;)

Mothers Day

I apologize for being a bad blogger... sometimes its just that there is nothing worth while to say.
First of all whether you are a new mom and old mom a mom of a child here on earth or a child in heaven I wish you all a very happy mother's day. I know very well how heartbreaking mothers day is when you are here but your child(ren) are not. You want that moment so badly and you hate that others are lucky enough to have those moments with their children... then you hate yourself for feeling that way. I feel your pain I feel your frustration and for those of you that are newly pregnant or have little ones enjoy these moments and cherish them, for there are many of us out there who will never have those moments. Take care of yourselves.

I found this wonderful poem that really sums it up for those of us that don't have our children here on earth.

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.
~ by Jody Seilheimer ~

Happily Ever After.....

Happily ever after... I sat and watched a movie last night... made of honour.. Your typical chick flick... leaves you feeling like something is missing in your life. I started thinking of how the day I got married I had those butterflies and those incredible thoughts and feelings.. the thoughts of how wonderful the future will be and how naive I really was back then. You stand in front of God and your families promising to stay together through thick and through thin till death do you part. What happens when the tough times come? DO you ever really think about what you will do when the worst thing happens? When the tough times come? You think, you want to believe that love your LOVE will be enough and will pull you through it all. The reality is that it won't its your faith that will. I don't just mean faith in the biblical sense.. although a little of that won't hurt either. Faith that the person you love the person you married in front of God and all your friends is who you need and who you want who will stick with you through all the tough times and they won't turn and leave when things get tough. They will be your strength and help you become a better person because it was meant to be and your faith in each other and your love for one another will be enough to pull you back from the depths of despair. There are so many tests, deaths, births, heartaches, those damn emotions are so difficult to control. You hurt in ways you never thought possible because you love this person, they would never do anything to hurt you... at least not intentionally. The truth is that when you fall in love you let your feelings and emotions cloud your better judgement and your lust because really alot of love is made up of lust... fool you into believing that nothing can ever tear you apart or break you up. When you feel lonely or sad this person will be there to pick you up and help you out, make everything better. What happens when that is all gone and you are stuck. Do you fight and hope the person changes or do you turn your back on all you believed was right? Do you lose your faith and your hope? Is there something that can heal a broken heart? How do you know when enough is enough and its time to accept it? How dare these movies make everything look like its all happily ever after when really its more unhappily ever after... More like how much heartbreak and dissapointment can a marriage take? Let the truth be known sometimes LOVE isn't enough.... sometimes love is not all flowers and roses its hard work and its heartache!!

At the end of the tunnel is there a light or is it just dimming slowly?

Have you ever wondered what life would be like 10 years into your marriage? Well I always thought that we would be happily married with 2 kids and a house. Reality is a cruel bitch! 10 years married and we have spent the better part of our 10 year marriage trying to have a baby and going through infertility treatments. I fear that now we have to accept the truth... we cannot have children and must scrap the plans we had but the question remains can we survive just the two of us? Is there really life after unsuccessful TTC? I want to say that we can and there is but I am starting to fear that is no thte case. I have lost all interest in BD or any kind of D!! He is miserable and therefore I am miserable... I am scared that without children we will soon realize that we have nothing in common anymore and will grow apart. After everything we have been through I have always thought and believed we could overcome anything and jump any obstacle but I am just not that sure anymore. I think about our future and I am not seeing that happy future I always had seen before, I am scared to even think about how lonely our future is going to be. I have always had hope.. I believe there is still hope but what is really scary is that lately I have been having some very odd things going on with my body. I am having hot flashes and moodiness and NO and I mean TMI HERE LADIES ...... NO LIBIDO! Get away from me isn't even close to what I feel... I hate my life... it is total crap.. i have crappy feelings and feeling of dread and sadness constantly! I do have a dr appt this week because I have had an MIA AF for the past 7 or 8 months... so I am thinking that has something to do with it (lack of AF), maybe its a hormone thing . BUT I am worried that I am going through perimenopause. IF I go through menopause I have nothing left... no hope.. no faith nothing. There is nothing in this world more scary to me than that...

Earth Hour

Just a quick post cause I had to show a few pics of how I spent Earth Hour. I think it is so funny that for an hour ONE HOUR a year... people can't shut off the lights. I know this is really gonna shock all of you... but EVEN I shut off the TV!! I sat for an hour and read a magazine. Caught up on my gossip... just a couple months late!!! I hope you all spent earth hour in the dark as well. What would Earth Hour be without me taking pictures!!!

Secrets........................

Some days my secrets are shown right across my face... other days I am able to hide it.

BUT I have a secret for you...

People ask me constantly how I moved on and how I was able to get up everyday

Here is the answer.

Life is unbelievable, it thows you curves and gives you a future you never saw and never wanted. You sit and cry most nights and your heartache grows with every new pregnancy announced and every baby you see. Today I was driving home from work listening to some great "screamy music" Linkin Park! I was sitting at a red light.... and there in front of me was amom in a minivan and you could literally see her losing her mind.. the kids were obviously fighting and she was doing her best to get them to behave... and all I could think of... is I will never have that moment. Never have to say "don't make me turn this car around" or "don't make me come back there" I think that people really take all these moments for granted while people like us sit there and die a little inside at the thought of missing out. So how do I move on how do I get up everyday. I have hope. Hope that there is more to this life... that people and doctors are wrong. Aside from that... I have just stopped caring! My husband and I used to have the biggest fights we would scream and throw things... ok I would throw things.. but still it was so passionate. The problem is that I just don't care anymore. You always think worst case scenario well for me... worst case scenario already happened. What could be worse.... what could be worse than having your dreams ripped out of you.. waking every day wondering if today is the day that your babies will die inside of you. Losing them and going through horrendous labour and holding your dead babies in your arms. I ask you what can be worse? A stupid fight about sex or money? Not bloody likely! I feel like I am just dead inside.... emotionally. I am really good at acting. I spend all day at work working my ass off and making jokes and putting on a great show. The truth is if I had my choice I would never get out of bed again. I would lock myself in my house because it is my safe zone. Noone can hurt me in here. I am not forced to be fake here, I don't have to deal with people and their babies and their happy little lives. I don't have to pretend here. Here I can be real. Here I am who I am and to hell with anyone and everyone else. How 3 years later it is possible to still feel so raw and torn apart is beyond my comprehension but I do. I miss what could have been.... I miss what should have been. I wonder if I can sustain this marriage... this life without being a mom. I fear that I can't.

As I sit here and drink my glass of wine from a box that has been in my fridge since before Christmas... I am thinking to myself how funny life is. How things happen that you never expected and how short life can be, how full of surprises both good and bad, how 3 years later you can still shed tears for hours at just the thought of something sad that changed your life forever and how the other side fo the spectum things can make you smile and laugh like never before. For those who don't know me I am an addict. I have a real problem... but its not one you are thinking.. I am addicted to televeision. I PVR approximately 50hours a week! FIFTY HOURS! People call me TV guide. AND to make matters worse while I am watching TV at night or on weekends (cause when else can you possibly catch up on it?) I am on the computer catching up on blogs, gossip. tweeting or facebook. Why do I do this you ask? Well I think that its my version of an escape. Some of the shows are sad or mysterious... others make me laugh right out loud and yet others are medical and I feel like I am learning.... Do you ever think of your life and wish you could have a do-over? I wish I could do over my entire life!! There are very very few things that I wouldn't change. There are some people in my life that I would die without so I believe thy are in my life for a reason. They are both friends and family! (in case you were wondering) It is a truly amazing world that we are living in and to think that we are all only here for one lifetime and some of us are made to suffer through unheardof moments.. .moments that would rip your heart right out of your body and yet you still survive... you still find a way to continue on. Just seems so unfair doesn't it? I never ever imagined that my life would be what it is. I never thought for one second that I would not be a mother. I always believed it in my heart.... to tell you the truth I think a big part of me still believes I will be even though I have been told different. It is all I ever wanted.. since I was a little girl and played mommy.... It is just not a truth I can accept. I never will... I can imagine sitting in my rocking chair rocking back and forth with grey hair and my husband sitting right next to me..... and still believing I will be a mom. I think as women we take it for granted that it is just something that will happen. FOr many of us MANY MANY of us an increasing number of us... it won't happen without help. It may not happen at all.... For those of us in Ontario Canada they are having a march. A march on Mothers day where all people like "us" are going to push empty strollers to Queens Park to demand that they pay for infertility treatments... the very thought of it both excites and terrifies me. For those who are in the area.. please do it... I think that it is a great idea.
http://www.conceivabledreams.org/cd/mdm.html I encourage anything that makes the government realize this is becoming a real problem, an epidemic!

Guess Who!?

Can you guess who this is? Unbelievable that they are aging this character! My niece loves her and I am just not sure how much she will be able to do? You may not recognize her since she doesn't have a backpack or boots! OOPS did I give it away? What do you think? Alot of parents are in an uproar about it! I think its kinda funny but odd at the same time!
Thank you for the messages I received yesterday as always I am touched and I am amazed at the support I continue to get from you. You are all amazing women!! I love each and every one of you. Thank you! I have really been surrounded lately by compassion and love and mostly from people who don't really know me. You really start to see who you can count on and who can show you a love like none other.

WARNING EMOTIONAL BLOG WARNING!!!!

OK so maybe its that time of year or hormones or just me but if I hear one more word about Ms. Octomom I may hurt someone! I don't care that she hasn't had sex in 8 years... funny 16 kids and no sex.. no the irony is not lost on me!! No I don't care that she went and spent $1000 on makeup and I especially don't care that she had an exciting weekend! People stop giving this woman the time of day! You are just giving her what she wants.... Ignore her and she will go away! SHE IS NOT A CELEBRITY!

OK so I am becoming what I hate the most a bitter battered broken uterus bitch! Sorry but I have the right to be miserable and sad and be jealous that some people are just so damn lucky and fertile meanwhile there are those of us out there who are unable to bear our own children or have cracked eggs. Yup that is me cracked eggs.... OK I warned you that I am miserable... I have days where all I want to do is CRY! I have days that I sit and wonder why the hell I am even alive.. because really what is the point!? But I still find a way to carry on and live another day. I am so broken hearted over children with cancer. It truly kills me to even think about it (yes Tuesday is still on my mind) There are so many little angels that my heart breaks in two literally in two. I spent yesterday watching Jon & Kate episodes.. there is this one episode where they gave back and showed all these kids with cancer... I finished watching the show and was still bawling my eyes out... I ran upstairs and all I wanted to do was hold my girls.. What a stupid thing. What a stupid thing to forget for just a moment you don't have children. I cried for over an hour.. these poor children and their families what hell they must be going through. Even Tuesday's mom she posted the other day how unfair it is that her kids make pancakes without their sister and you just think of how precious time is. How sad life must be for this woman... and her identical sister, will she even remember her sister?
Sisters - what a great segway! My sister who if she was any closer to me these days would be surgically attached to my side... (WHICH I LOVE!!!!!!!!- see above for reasons to live) has been through her own version of hell lately.. 6 miscarriages and she lost her latest just a little while ago... her af went MIA went for an U/S today and wouldn't you know it... she is expecting again! FUCKING FERTILE MYRTLE!! I love her! I am thrilled for her!! Unbelievable how things turn out. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers that this one WILL STICK AROUND FOR 9 MONTHS! We don't even know how far along she is technically... I believe its around 4 weeks... I know that people think I am completely insane... completely and totally but I love TV. I think I PVR around 50 hours a week... it is my escape from reality. I love it! There are some absolutely AMAZING television shows on the tube these days. It is so hilarious that 1/4 of the shows are comedies... the rest are mostly medical shows. Monday nights are my LAUGH FEST! I laugh out loud so frequently! I highly recommend it to everyone!
I think I have gone through the gammit of emotions through this post! Sorry for that...Hopefully that means my 7 month "dry spell" is ending soon! Emotions are a sign of PMS right?? At least for some women!??
Lastly I want to send a special thought and prayer out to K and Niki I am really thinking of you tonight.. I hope that this is all over with soon and you can move on to the next phase. virtual hugs to you!! Have a margarita for me! (or 10)

OOOO and yes we saw Watchmen! LOTS OF "Little Blue" lots of big blue! HA HA! I loved the movie with or without male frontal nudity... cause really nothing to write home about! LOL!

Scentsy Giveaway

Lynn from Scentsy Wickless Candles recently hosted a giveaway on STL Mommy for a Scentsy warmer and set of Scentsy bars. We are happy to announce that the lucky winner is Selina!
Lynn had so much fun hosting her first giveaway on STL Mommy that she wanted to host another giveaway for all of you!
If you haven't seen Scentsy Candles before they are wickless candles that are safe for you family. The do not release any lead, soot, or wax released into the air that you breath. The wax also is a low melt, similar to a paraffin bath, which doesn't get hot enough to burn anyone.
Scentsy offers many products: Scentsy Bars, Warmers, Plug-In Warmers, Scentsy Bricks, Room Sprays, Car Candles, and Discounted Multi-Packs. If you want to host a Scentsy Party or become a Scentsy Consultant contact Lynn for more information.
Lynn is offering 1 STL Mommy Reader a Scentsy Plug in Warmer and Scentsy bar of their choice!Want to Win? Here's How:*Go to Scentsy then come back and leave a comment telling me your favorite Scentsy Plug-In. You can easily leave a comment by clicking on comments on the bottom right corner of this post!*You can gain a second entry by Subscribing to STL Mommy.*You can gain a third entry by adding my button to your blog or Myspace account. You can also add me to your Facebook or Twitter account and it does count if you added me in the past.*You can gain a fourth by posting this giveaway on your blog, myspace, twitter, or facebook account. Please leave me the link.*You can gain a fifth entry by e-mailing this giveaway to 5 of your friends. Just remember to send me a copy of the e-mail!The giveaway will end April 5th at 5pm.
I will pick the winner through random generator. Please leave your e-mail in this format so I can contact you if you are the winner!stlmommy (at) gmail (dot) com* Please check out my other giveaways!
Don't Miss a Thing! Subscribe NOW!

the "Ethical Treatment of Human Embryos Act," LOAD OF CRAP!

OK WHERE ARE ALL THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW THIS IS WRONG!??

This is a clear case of people who are allowing their religious opinions to push through their own agenda! Each person is an individual case!!!! Please don't allow this to go though its a slippery slope people should not be governing this and how dare they even try!? I understand people's opinions of the "octomom" are what they are and they have raw nerves about this WHOLE situation but lets let cooler heads prevail! Below is the article from CNN.

PLEASE Send a message to the senators found below (bottom right side is the form)

Georgia Senate Bill 169

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=219



Georgia 'Octomom bill' would limit embryo implants
Story Highlights
Georgia state senator says bill was inspired by "Octomom" Nadya Suleman
Bill would limit women under 40 to two embryos, women 40 or older to three
Critics call it a backdoor effort to outlaw abortions in the state
Bill faces long odds of passing because of timing in Georgia legislature


ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) -- The tabloid-friendly tale of the California "Octomom" continues to stir debate -- this time 2,000 miles away in the Georgia state capitol, where lawmakers say they're trying to prevent a repeat.

Proposed legislation regulating in-vitro practices came after Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets.

A Georgia state senator introduced legislation to limit the number of embryos that can be implanted in a woman's uterus during in-vitro fertilization procedures.
Sen. Ralph Hudgens, a Republican from near Athens, Georgia, said his legislation was inspired by Nadya Suleman, the woman who said she gave birth to octuplets after being fertilized with six embryos -- an unusually high number.
"She is not married," said Hudgens. "She is unemployed, she is on government assistance and now she is going to put those 14 children on the back of the taxpayers in the state of California."
Suleman, 33, had six children before the procedure.
Hudgens' plan, which was co-sponsored by several other senators, would limit the number of embryos a doctor could implant to two for women under 40 years old and three for women 40 or older.
Those numbers are slightly less than what's considered the norm in medical circles.
Don't Miss
Six embryos?! How to avoid a fertility fiasco
Extreme multiple births carry tremendous risks
Commentary: Are eight babies more than enough?
The American Society for Reproductive Medicine recommends no more than two embryos for women under 35 years old and no more than five for women over 40. The reason for allowing more embryos in women over 40 is that it is more difficult for them to get pregnant.
State lawmakers in Missouri are considering a similar bill. And England and Italy have had similar limits on the books for years.
At least some fertility doctors say the limits in Hudgens' bill would hurt chances for women to get pregnant. They say that while three embryos are usually enough, there are special cases when they need more.
"What this bill will effectively do is shut us down," said Dr. Daniel Shapiro, a fertility doctor in Atlanta. "Patients seeking reproductive care in Georgia will go to Tennessee or South Carolina or Alabama. They will just leave."
Breaking the law would carry a fine of up to $1,000 under the legislation.
Some critics of the plan also see another problem, calling it a backdoor effort to outlaw abortions in the state.
The bill, which Hudgens titled the "Ethical Treatment of Human Embryos Act," contains language that says "a living in vitro human embryo is a biological human being who is not the property of any person or entity."
The anti-abortion group Georgia Right to Life issued a news release in support of the bill on the day it was introduced.
"Georgia Right to Life supports Sen. Hudgens in this legislation and wants to see strong protections in place to stop the dangerous practice of implanting more embryos than is medically recommended," the group said, saying the plan would help avoid premature births and low birth weight in in-vitro fertilization cases.
Realistically, the bill faces long odds of passing -- at least in the near future. Tuesday was Day 25 of the Georgia legislature's 40-day session. Legislators will meet 10 more days, then take a break until June, when lawmakers will consider how money flowing to the state from the federal economic-stimulus plan may help their ongoing budget woes.
According the the Georgia legislature's Web site on Tuesday, Hudgens' bill had been read and assigned to a committee, but no other action had taken place.
Some Georgians from the lawmaker's part of the state say they hope he has to keep waiting for a long time.
"Unless the senator is a physician, ethicist or other informed professional, he should step aside and let the medical professionals determine what is best in individual cases," Dorothy West wrote in a letter to the editor of the Athens Banner-Herald, Hudgens' hometown paper. "There are other issues more important to the citizens of Georgia that should be addressed."

Weapons of Mass Seduction

I am a pig. I admit it. I cannot wait till Watchmen is out on Friday and I get to see Dr Manhatten (the blue guy) his naughty bits dangling in the breeze!!! WHAT AN AMAZING day Friday will be. A great movie and a show! HA HA! We have been really looking forward to the movie for it seems like YEARS! I hope I am not dissapointed but hey frontal nudity is a great way to make the time pass... LOL! Yes I know he is creepy and BLUE!!!! Its a stupid post but a funny post! A little laugh for Monday! ;)

http://6minutestomidnight.com/

Hysteroscopic Embryo Implantation

IMPLANTATION!? I know what you are thinking... TRANSFER!!! Listen to this man describe it.. he is implanting it!!!??

Had to share! No wonder she got pregnant!!! Very intresting 70% higher!? WHere do I sign up!?????????

I had to share this video..... yes he is apparently the reproduction endocrinologist for Nadya Sulemann but very interesting... could this be the future of IVF???

http://www.obgyn.net/conference-coverage/conference-coverage.asp?page=ASRM2002/ASRM2002_kamrava&newsletter=090225

I am a walking talking disaster!

Yesterday I woke up and stumbled about and slammed not bumped... SLAMMED, RAMMED SMASHED my foot into the wooden bedframe..... I let out such a loud yell I am surprised the neighbours didn't call the police! It hurt like hell and the pain shot right up my leg and into my head (swear to God!) I started limping around shortly after that so I knew it was sore and badly hurt... got dressed and got in the car to go to my mother in law's house for her birthday.... and we were just about to drive off and my hubby says O the cell phone is on the counter can you go back in and grab it? Sure I said... I got to the door and thought holy shit I have to take my boots off... It took forever to get my boot on my foot and it was shear pain just getting it in there... now I have to take it off again. A HA! I will just take off the one boot that is fine and hop over with the other boot on (there is snow on the ground where we live so my boots are wet) So I hop over and grab my phone and I am just about to step down on to the garage floor when I lose my footing and slam my GOOD foot into the floor... the concrete floor... So I scream another scream... HOLY SHIT in just a few short hours I have now smashed 2 toes!!! I go to my mother in laws place and spend the day doing things but all the while my toes are just throbbing. When we finally get home I show my hubby my feet. The pinky toe on the right foot is just completely black and purple on top sides and underneath... I am sure its broken. The toe beside the big toe is also purple but only on the top half and the bottom half is black.. .perhaps also broken... Today my feet were still sore and I was feeling ok so I went outside and walked a bit... good news is that I can wear another pair of boots I own without excrutiating pain. (hooray) I come home and decide to do a load of laundry I am limping up the steps to the second floor and talking to myself... still feeling like a total moron about smashing 2 toes in one day and what do I do?? I ram my pinky toe (that was already broken perhaps) into the tide box on the floor... new tide box.. hard tide box... I scream so loud the cat runs away from me and hides. WOW WHAT A STUPID PERSON I HAVE BECOME! THEN not 3 hours later AGAIN I am doing laundry and I am bending down under the cupboards in the laundry room and get up fast and crack my head on the bottom of the cupboard... I scream so loud and start having a freaking fit at my stupidity! Good thing I have a hard head!!! HA HA! My GOD WHAT A FREAKING COUPLE OF DAYS!!!!! My feet are killing me my head is killing me and the medicine that soothes my pain is alcohol.. I would love to tell you I was drunk when all this occurred but sorry I WAS STONE COLD SOBER! S O B E R ! ! ! What a life!

Faker!

I have a confession to make. I am a fake. Almost 3 years ago I died and the person you now see before you emerged. She spends all day pretending things are fine and her life is perfect and she is happy. In actual reality I am faking it. I want a baby that didn't change when I lost my girls. That doesn't change because my last ditch effort failed and I cannot have children. These wants and needs and desires and pain just don't dissapear. I moved forward with my life, left my past in the past and I tried I mean really tried to move on. I don't want to forget what happened it is a part of me... some days I think its all of me. I still think of them all the time, I still miss them all the time and I still need them ALL THE TIME! I am supposed to make an appointment with my nephrologist to be put on some new drugs, drugs that may prolong my "quality of life" hopefully push back the possibility that I may be on dialysis in the future. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. Because going there means that its real that I cannot have a baby, I cannot be a mom and frankly I would rather die than ever accept that possibility. AF has been MIA for over 5 months now so its not like we can even accidentally get pregnant (no af no egg = no baby)
The life I now live is a life filled with my desperate attempts to be happy. I took on more work at the office to keep myself busy (you know idle hands....) It doesn't work... FYI.
I have a cat, he is about 14 years old and he is my little sweetheart. He is big, black and white fluffy and biggest suck you ever met.... Last night I came home to a very sick puddy tat... it scared me... he is very sick liquid poo fur missing.. I didn't want to think about losing him because he is my tether... he keeps me in mommy mode... he loves to be held and rocked and cuddled and caressed. He loves when I scoop him up in my arms and hold him like that baby I cannot have. If I lose him thats it. I promised my husband the next time he got sick that I would just let him die at home... and not take him to the vet. I do not want him to suffer but it is just soo expensive for tests and procedures. He is 14 he has lead a great life and he is very loved..... Today I sat there and I watched him today go from bad to worse... and then I decided to give him a great meal. He is on a special diet but I figured if its his last day on earth I would make it special.... the way I would have for my girls if I knew their time was going to be up. I opened an actual tin of Tuna and gave it to him. He was so happy to have real food. THen he just sat in my arms all day and cuddled with me. I cannot believe it but he is better.... at least he seems better. He is purring and cuddles into my arms happily all snug as a bug in a rug. Thank goodness today didn't end the way I thought it would. Thank God I know that when its his time I will have the strength to care for him the way he needs me to. Thank God he is OK... if only just for another day.

I found this story on another blog and I just loved it so much I had to post it and share. What a wonderful thought.

The Story of the Dragonfly

Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions.Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was dead, gone forever.Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top.When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed.Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life!

Author - Unknown