Tears and Pain -one year later.....

I have finally reached that moment... the moment I have dreaded... the one year anniversaries of all things baby. A year ago yesterday we had our first appt at the High risk clinic with Dr Smith. He was so tender and caring and NOTHING like I pictured him... he actually seemed to care about us. He couldn't find the membrane between the babies and got us an emergency appt at Mt Sinai for May 31st. May 31st was the day when my dreams died and my hopes were crushed. A day I will never forget as they told us we were teh worst case scenario and suggested we abort our babies. The day when they took away our happiness and replaced it will sadness and fear. OK I know realize they were right but that doesn't take the pain away it still hurts.... it hurts to know that right now I should have 2 girls flourishing and crawling, maybe already saying mommy. I long for those moments... I still wake up in a sweat (just not as often) thinking that it was all a horrible nightmare and a mistake. But when I rush to the nursery there sit those precious tiny girls in bronze boxes painted pink... I did reach a good milestone recently though. I allowed someone to see the nursery (well the room anyways) I wasn't ready for anyone to go in but what a huge step to take to actually open the door and have someone beside me. It was a little bit freeing to allow someone in to just experience my pain if even for just a moment... to feel the love that fills that room, the heartache and heartbreak knowing that the room was for those girls, the toys and clothes and diapers in there were all for them. My only hope now is that they understand that I will hopefully have a baby oneday and those toys and clothes and diapers will be used by their brother or sister. There were some very special things that belonged to them and I put them in their casket with them so they could have them with them for eternity... but thing like baby bouncers were just too big. So they will pass them down.. hey hand me downs aren't that bad are they!? I hope that I will make a great mom and that Grace and Anna will watch me from heaven and smile knowing that they may have missed out on it here on earth but that my motherly love for them is eternal no matter where they are. I believe I will hold them again in heaven one day. I know that they know what happened wasn't their fault and that they were wanted soo much but even our love for them wasn't stong enough. I hope that they felt no pain and that it was quick and they just fell asleep silently. I believe when I held them that their souls were still there and that they could feel our love for them and that they knew how heartbroken we were that they had to leave us so soon. Our lives will never be the same. The loss of a child ( or children) at any point does soemthing to you. It makes you hard it breaks you down and makes you doubt everything you always believed.. it makes you hate the cold cruel world and it makes you want to scream and crry and never leave home again. It took me a long time to accept they were really gone and that I didn't know Grace was gone... until that ultrasound day. I felt like such a failure as a mom. Eventually I was able to move on with my life.. slowly building my future and looking forward not backward.. it was a hard lesson to learn and in my life all my lessons seem to be hard... It took some convincing but I finally got hubby to agree to try again.. and it gave me something to look forward to something to hold on to. I needed that. I looked forward to my appointments and my daily injections as strange as that may seem it is the path I must take to conceive. I accept that and I look forward to the day I hold a baby in my arms and I hear the cry, or feel the fingers move. Strange I realize but its what I get up for every day and its why I continue to breathe in and out every day. I may have lost my faith but I will never lose my hope. The day I lose my hope is the day I die outside and match my insides.

The 45 Minute IUI

This month has been a very difficult month. Not only because almost a year ago our lives changed forever.. But because this has been my first (and last I hope) back to back month of injections. It is soo exhausting emotionally and physically my stomach just aches as if to beg please not another needle... PLEASE.. Of course this cycle was also extremely long... I just used up the last of the HMG the night before trigger so that was a good thing. My follicles grew very slowly this month they dropped my medication so as to not overstimulate me but it also caused only 2 follies to mature and slowly at that. My Estrogen played games where it plateaued and it looked like I was going to be cancelled... Then they increased the dosage for a couple days and it doubled (which is good) and the follies finally grew to perfect size. They finally triggeered me on the 19th....that would be cd19 for those of you following along... Like I said LOOOOONG Cycle! I was anxious but excited about the inseminations... The timing was nice because it was on a long weekend and we didn't have to miss any work or carpool etc. First IUI went like clockwork, in and out great count (33 Million-YAY hubby!) So I had no reason to think that the second one would not go as smoothly. I went in and dropped off the sample picked up my mom (for support) and waited.. They called me in and I sat there and I was nervous but excited. I have been through this too many times now so I knew what to expect... Or so I thought!!! The count was 27 Million - Again YAY HUBBY!!! The Dr was chatting away and we were joking around and I noticed he was poking a lot but nothing was happening... (catheter being inserted into cervix and ultimately uterus) Weird I thought! After several attempts and apologies he said your cervix is tricky and its tilted I have to straighten it. (using a tenaculum) OK I have had this before... I can handle this. BUT wow he clamped on and the pain just surges through your cervix and uterus. I cannot explain it but it is beyond and OW and is very unexpected. Well this lasted for what felt like an eternity but was really only about 45 minutes total... I was bleeding a lot because of the constant clamping with these tools (apparently the first one didn’t work so he had to use another tool) which made things worse... Finally when I was about to ask for a break... My legs in the stirrups were like JELLO... He finally says ok I am in! DONE and then was kind enough to swab the cervix of the blood and mentioned I might spot for a while but it was ok. OK yup its ok.. Now that you are done!!! I went home and slept for a couple hours since I was so crampy and achy and even the next day I was still in pain. Cramps and spotting. I have everything crossed that this is our month. NO more nonsense..... I am getting so dam tired of all this. Last time it worked on our second round of IUIs. This is our third!!!! OK enough complaining I am sorry I am just moody and hormonal (thanks to the progesterone - 2 twice a day- up the wahoo another joyful experience!!)

The cycle that never ends!

CD 19 and I FINALLY got triggered. Who knew that 2 follicles could take so long to grow. It's been such an emotional rollercoaster this month. Maybe its back to back cycles or maybe its soo many hormones emotions run high or maybe its cause the drugs ran out this month and I am not sure i can afford another cycle but i am exhausted.. EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSCIALLY! Each time i have to prick myself with another injection I cringe, I take a deep breath and I plunge it in. My stomach aches... it just aches I am so tired... and I am hoping against hope that this is it. Hard to believe it was almost a year ago that I had the appt at Mt Sinai and my world flipped outside down. I hope that these 2 eggs work and that his count is great. This will be Tiffany's month I have already accepted that... but will it also be mine? i hope so. That would be so great a week apart. I want to scream and cry and yell out loud its my turn now dammit. This will be a LONG 2 weeks. I will check back in later

Mothers Day

Today is mothers day. Its not just a day to celebrate my mom and hubby's mom but its a sad day for me. Its a day that should be filled with smiles and laughter watching my girls learn to crawl and do all htose things little babies do. I remember last year on mother's day I was happy I loved knowing that I would be a mother soon and that next year I would have 2 little gifts that would help me celebrate this day. Instead I woke up this morning thinking how things could be different, things should be different!!! Here we are almost a year later and I am still without a child, without babies to hold, I am still wishing and hoping that our turn will come but sadly.... all I get is dissapointment and tears. I hope that next year's mothers day we have something to celebrate. I hope that we have what we yearn for...what we desire.... Its not that I want to replace my little girls because nothing and noone ever can or will... its just that they caused me to feel love, a love I never knew I was missing.. I feel like I had something taken away before I ever got to really enjoy or appreciate it. I need it, I desire it... I long for it!!!!!!!! So this morhters day for me is bittersweet.

Another Broken Promise!!

Every time I go back to the clinic for a day 3 ultrasound I feel like I wipe the slate clean to try again. I wash away the hurt and the pain and the suffering that may have been caused by the last dissapointment. I think about how last time it worked on the second try and its just a matter of time for us. I prepare myself for the injections and the hundreds (well it certainly feels like hundreds!!) of appointments. I think about the time and money I spend on chasing the elusive dream of becoming a mommy. I cry alot between when I get the BFN and my next day 3. Its a sadness that I never had before....before I knew what I was missing. Before I knew the joys of feeling a miracle (or 2) grow inside you and move inside you. Before our world came crashing down and we learned the true meaning of pain and sadness. I miss my girls every second of every day.... I want to show them that I can be a good mommy and I will suffer through hell and back to get it if that is what it takes! Each month I make a promise to myself. I promise myself no matter what I will not get my hopes up, I will not have my heart broken all over again. And each month I break that promise to myself. It starts simple, tender boobs or nausea one day. Then you start to think.. hmm maybe this means something... then as each day passes other strange things happen to your body and before you know it you are adamant that this is it! I am pregnant and now I just have to wait for that beta to tell me what I already know.... and then you go for that bloodtest and the results come back in the voice of a chinese girl... Your test came back negative see you on day 3! You want to jump out the window... you want to scream and cry and yell... just hit something, anything anyone just to stop the tears from flowing as you realize you did it again. You broke that promise. Your got your heart broken! Next time will be different..... But really will it?? I doubt it at this point. So I go off the prometrium now and I wait for AF to come to go for my day 3 ultrasound when I will be told that I have numerous cysts and must wait a cycle. SO Now I wait till JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That seems so far away!

1 Year ago...Easter meant something different

It was a year ago that we found out the girls were twins and we gave the family framed pictures of the sonogram for Easter. It is unbelievable that it has been a year already. I year ago we were over the moon excited about the prospect of having babies and here we are a year later and we are back trying to have a baby. So far this cycle i have 15 follicles on the left side and 15 on the right... but only 1 egg that is big enough to count..so far... It only takes one! All the injections and the swelling in the ovaries will all be worth it. I ache and I swell, i become a raving lunatic all in search for a baby, and even after everything we have been through I still say it is worth it. Totally Worth IT!
Men have no idea what it islike to be poked and prodded, and examined and have to self inject daily. It isn't on my top 10 things of what I like to do yet I continue to do it... and I will until I am successful. I hope that this our month. I need it to be our month, I am tired and I am sore and tender. O how I long to hold my own child in my arms, to hear the sounds of my tiny newborn baby, to look into Roy's eyes and see the happiness and conentment that only a father can have and display. I am not drinking alcohol, no caffeine. I am eating salds for dinner I am trying really hard to be a good body, give it something healthy to grow in. I cannot believe that I am back at this point....the point where I get up in the morning and I have something to look forward to, a goal that I am working to achieve. It makes the month go by fast and it helps me to focus on the task at hand. Next weekend should be the insemination and then the dreaded 2ww I really don't find the 2ww so hard because again the wait is a great thing..... the moments before we find out if we are going to be parents.... Soon enough....but not soon enough for me!
I will update again soon... Time to head over to the in-laws for dinner.

The writing on the wall

When I got the news and learned about the realities of what a momo pregnancy was I could see the writing on the wall but I chose to ignore it. I believed that God was looking out for me and that he would protect me and not let any harm come to me or my babies but here I am 9 months later and I see the writing clear now. This time I know better than to think things will be fine instead I choose not to ignore it! My cat is sick, he is old and I have had him close to 13 years now.... I have noticed that he has become slower, he doesnt eat, he only sleeps and his whiskers are falling out. I think that it is time now to prepare to lose my friend... he has helped me get through so many hard times and he is always there to cuddle with me.... He helped me last summer... he is my sweet big fat pussycat and I am not ready to lose him..... Do I take him to a vet and spend a fortune to only put off the inevitable or do I let him go peacefully naturally? The second that he suffers I will make that decision. I wonder why things happen, I question why constantly and I never get a response. Why can a 13 year old have a baby or a woman have 8 at once while I cannot even maintain a pregnancy of 2!? Why must we suffer through all this pain and suffering before anything good can happen? WHY WHY WHY? I realize that is a very trivial thing to ask but there is never any answers. When I learned that I was carrying twins that was the most incredible time of my life, I never knew that I could feel such joy... we looked forward to our lives with them, we planned for them, I felt them move and we grew to love them. For that and only for that I am greatful, I learned what love is and I learned that I cannot live my life without that having that feeling again. There is not one second of one minute of one hour of each day that I don't think of them or miss them. I have so many regrets things I wish that I could have done differently. Lately I have been remembering and reliving the birth and thinking of how precious each moment I spent with them was. I cannot believe its been 9 months. Ironic isn't it? I am about to start on this new chapter. I will be taking the HMG and go through the IUI etc all over again....if only af would come! So for now I wait.....and wait! Hopefully this Provera will work soon.

A little bit pregnant?

February 18th

Just got home from the clinic to discover that althought I had a negative beta that it was a positive negative test. Basically it was a chemical pregnancy.... Well I can think of many things that caused it to fail but ultimately I have to look at the fact that I was a "little bit pregnant" and that is a good sign right? Well the other bad news is that I have cysts so they cancelled this cycle. It could be a blessing in disguise except right now I dont look at it that way... I look at it like yet another failure and another month with a cancelled cycle. WHICH SUCKS! I was kind of hoping that this month would be my "your only fertile once a year" month.... I am a little bit emotional so I suppose its a good thing that its cancelled and althought it is cancelled its better to not spend all the money on that cycle for it to fail anyways or get cancelled at the end of the cycle... which sucks even more. I am just going to take it as a sign that its just not meant to be for now. I HATE BREAKS but what can I do? I will have the drugs by the time my next cycle starts so thats a positive... pretty much the only positive right now... but it will do! Anyways I thought i would just update my blog..................................... since I am a little down today.

Failure is a part of my life, I should be used to it now
But every time I fail again I muster the strength again somehow
My need for a child is stronger than the fear of yet another loss
I will keep going and trying I don't really care about the cost
One day it will happen to me I am sure about this thats true
And so I will endure the pain and the sorrow and all the sacrifices too
For one day I will hold a crying baby and share with it all of my love
I know I was put here on this earth to be a mom it will fit me like a glove
Until that moment is upon us, I will have hope and faith you will see
I won't give up I will fight and struggle, with all that is inside me

Shellie-Marie Kelly

Feb 14

I had my beta and it came back negative and at that very moment I felt my heart break all over again. My feelings were so crushed and I just feel like I lost my girls all over again. I am so devestated and I never thought I would be that dissapointed. I tried so hard not to get my hopes up to put all my eggs in one basket literally. All I want to do is crawl back under the rock I came from back in August last year. I feel so empty and so alone. I wanted so badly for it to work and I just don't want to feel this empty anymore. All I do is have nightmares and cry, I can't concentrate on anything but how much I miss my girls. I have so much hurt and so much pain. I tried so hard to push all the pain down and move on, move forward, smile and learn to love again. There is nothing I want more in this world than to feel a baby inside me again. I loved feeling my girls move around and watch my belly grow. I long for those moments again. February 14th last year was my LMP. From now on I start to have the one year anniversaries and I was hoping to go through them with something to look forward to...someone.... but of course those hopes were dashed. You would think I am used to being rejected and failing and beind disapointed but really I am not, i hure just as much today as I did a year ago. I am in the same place today that I was a year ago. Broken, damaged and lost. This time I am empty on top of it all. I may try again next month but the cost will be out of pocket so that will take some convincing for my hubby and frankly need to convince myself. Why do we continue to put ourselves through this torture? I wonder that often... I never really knew love until the day I found out I was pregnant. My girls showed me what was real love.... I was never given the opportunity to show them how much I loved them. I never got to hold them and tell them when they could hear me. Those poor precious babies died not knowing how much love I have to give them, how much I needed them.

I have a closet full of clothes my little babies will never wear
I have bouncers in their bedroom not them inside, instead a teddy bear!
The day I found out that they were gone, we were going to pick up their cribs
Instead I left there broken and empty and cremated them with toys and bibs
Those girls took so many things from me things I never knew I had
They broke my heart and left me empty now I am all resentful and sad
Instead of visiting my babies sleeping calmly in their bed
They sit there in their nursery in small cold pink boxes instead
Will I ever be a mommy one which I have so longed to be
Or am I destined to be an angel mommy only to Anna and to Gracie?

Here We Grow Again?

I know its been a long LONG time since I posted on here but its taken me a long time to get over losing my daughters and learning to grieve and be able to move on. We decided to start trying again late last year and the clinic we were at upset me with the runaround and non personal attention... after all I had been through I expected an explanation as to why they were refusing to start my cycle... not just being hung up on rudely and being told to get over it. SO I contacted my family doctor and he referred me to the same clinic my sister has been at. I went and met the doctor and was truly amazed at how personable he was he honestly felt for me and was regretful for all that happened. He asked me to do one investigative cycle and then we could start on the meds again. He decided that he was going to put me on Puregon and since I had leftover Gonal-f from when I was TTC at the end of the year when they cancelled me. He said not a problem and so in January we began again. It was really emotional and hard to get back on the injections. I totally forgot about how emotional and crazy things can get. My body responded so well to the medication I had 12 TWELVE mature eggs. They called me into the office and told me I had 3 choices. I could cancel my cycle, I could switch to IVF or I could have a procedure done where they would remove some of the eggs so as to reduce the chances of multiples. I wanted to switch to IVF but the extra 3k was alot of money so I opted for the painful procedure instead. I was nervous and very frightened but instead I welcomed it with open arms. It could be the answer to my prayers.... I went in a few days before the procedure and Iwas told that the procedure wasn't neccessary anymore... only 6 eggs were at the point where they might be fertilized so they were willing to go ahead with the IUI. I got the HCG injection and the next day I did the IUI. The incredible thing was that his count was 50 million and motility was 93% it was great. The IUI was quick and painless and I went by myself. I wanted to cry after... I felt so alone and so emotional I wanted to be sick. It was hard to realize the last time I did that these 2 precious little girls came into my life. Now a year later I am back at the same point all over again. The next day we did it all over again except this time my sister and my niece came with me. What an experience... a 2 year old and my sister in the room when I am being inseminated. How funny is that!? Of course Carmela was a little freaked out at first but after it was done and the nurse stood there and chatted with us for 10 minutes she loosened up and decided to go to the end of the bed to take a peek at auntie's hoo hoo! She is so ardorable... anyone else would have got a smack. I started the progesterone suppositories that night and then the waiting began. I guess cause I have 6 eggs potentially popping that explains the horriblt pains I had all weekend. I just keep thinking to myself this is all a good sign. Its for a reason. This time will be different. I broke out in hives on Saturday so I have now decreased the progesterone to once a day to see if they go away. I mean I know I am not allergic to peanuts so what could it be? In the middle of all this we got home on Wednesday night to discover that our ceiling in the living room was leaking and had to pull down the ceiling to relieve the pressure... after 3 days of drippin it finally stopped leaking and the insurance copany sent someone out today to look at it and provide an estimate. Its been an exciting couple of days and it will be an even longer 2 week wait. February 16th is my test date.... soI am really keeping my fingers crossed that this is it. I hate to put all my eggs in one basket but after this month its all out of pocket.... Looking forward to updating you once I have test results.

4 Months

3 Months after I lost my girls my period finally came. I was sad but excited as well because we had made the decision to begin TTC again. I went the clinic with my head down scared and nervous and anxious all at once. In a way I had missed the people and I had missed the nurses, not the anxiety that came along with it. I purchased the gonal-f pen all excited to start trying again and I actaully looked forward to the daily pokes because they would be a step in the right direction.... But of course I got home that night and just as I was getting ready for the injection BOOM there was a voicemail cancelling my cycle. My estrogen level was 407 and it should be 50-80 pgl. I cried I threw things I knew it this is going to be the way its going to be..... its going to be all this shit all over again. O well due to the high estrogen my CM was EW and I spotted during what I thought to be ovulation so we TTC anyways (drug free) I got very nervous when my period was late and took a test but of course it was negative! Finally my period came on Saturday and along with it horrible cramps and pains in my back. I sucked it up but it didn't matter because it meant that on cd 3 we could come back to the clinic and start all over again. So off I went to the clinic this morning they took my blood I spoke with my favorite nurse and the Dr said good luck and off we we go. I check my messages at 3pm and OF course what happened? They cancelled my cycle because my estrogen is too high again... in fact its just as high as it was before...... There are no cysts and no symptoms to explain what could possibnly be wrong... so they want me to come back on Wedndesday morning to have them recheck my estrogen levels and then the DR will make a decision then. IF the estorgen is below 200 then I may be able to start the gonal-f then. (triple the dosage but maybe) or else I have to go on BIRTH CONTROL pills to try to level off my estrogen levels because you cannot conceive with them that high! I cannot believe this friggin useless body is doing this to me again. What the hell?? Have I not suffered enough? Apparently not! :(

The Ache

I refuse to post the actual pictures of my daughters however this is a fairly accurate portrayal of their size and beauty. I am considering purchasing 2 of these beautiful dolls from this place just so I have something to hold. I have reached the point in my grieving process where my arms actually ache to hold my daughters.

The Black Cloud & OTher Poems

The Black Cloud
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

It's raining again but only in my heart,
As I think about my girls lives not ever going to start
the black cloud sits on top of me more days than I can bare
As I think of what could have been & how you are over there
The raindrops shaped like teardrops keep falling on my head
How I wonder pray and wish that he had taken me instead
I want to scream out questions like why? how can this be
That you chose to take them away to be with you instead of stay with me
This should be by long awaited moment of happiness that I have finally found
Instead all I have is sadness, no babies crying, not a sound
So I walk around eyes open, broken hearted empty womb
With this black cloud above me thinking of my girls taken all too soon!


Gracie & Anna playing in the sun
O how I wish I was with you that be so much fun
How I long to hear your laughter and your cries
My arms O how they ache to hold you and sing a lullabye
These dreams I had for you left after you were gone
But my memories linger, they still carry on
I want to talk about you I want to tell the world
That I too am a mommy of 2 beautiful little girls
But when I think about you my eyes are filled with tears
for I remember how I lost you it already seems like years
Your daddy doesn't say much he says its time to move on
Cause that is what you would want not to cry from dusk to dawn
O how I want you with me rocking you side by side
I know you can't be with me but this I must confide
Some times I still feel you with me deep inside my womb
and though I know that cannot be I am comforted not doom & gloom
So if you hear me calling just smile even from afar
That's our mom she loves us still how very lucky we are
O how we love you mommy one day soon you will see
That we are up here safe in heaven part of God's big family
by: Shellie-Marie Kelly

We are still mommy & daddy just a different kind you see
for our babies aren't here with us in stead in heaven sleeping peacefully
playing in the clouds with all the other angels there
Sadly heaven is filled with angel babies it just doesn't seem to be fair
He chooses them to be with him for they are the chosen ones
We will again one day meet them as they are being warmed by the sun
They will run to us and with open arms will greet
Their mommy's and their daddy's we will all finally meet
They will tell us all the stories of how they watched from up above
And how they know though they were gone they were always truly loved
I look up to the blue sky, hoping they are watching me
As I smile and think about all the things that simply cannot be
All of us angel mommies and of course the daddy's too
Share a common bond of sadness knowing there is nothing we can do
Although we all walk around eyes wide open the pain will always be there
Thinking of our babies feeling a grief too hard to bear
We wonder what will happen what will the next day bring
For we will always love all of you special our little babies with wings!
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

The first day that we saw you, you were just a tiny yolk sac
I smiled and looked at your daddy couldn't wait till we came back
The next time that we saw you I lay there excited on the bed
As the nurse told your daddy & mommy there's not one but two instead
I admit I was scared at first but ddady said that we would be fine
For how many people are so lucky to blessed with two children and one time?
The next few months we saw you growing and squirming all around
Everyone was so excited to meet you, your tiny heartbeats the best sound
Then the doctors told us you were special sharing your tiny room
And we needed to be prepared for you we would meet you way too soon
Each day I sat and listened could you sense your mommy's dispair?
I never stopped loving you even when the pain became too much to bear
Then the day came upon us we went to see you one last time
That day we learned Grace had left us and there was not even a sign
But still we kept on hoping that Anna would make it through
And mome & dad left helpless for there was nothing we could do
Then one morning I woke up empty knowing she too was gone
And I wondered how I would get through it how was I to carry on?
The labour was horrendous the grief numbed by my pain
Those moments gone forever, now washed out by the rain
I really felt you coming even thought so silent and still
and people just kept saying not meant to be for it was God's will
I told the nurse you were here what an eerie feeling for me
For there lay a sac with two babies inside laying there silently
The nurse took you away at first then brought you to my arms
Even thought you were tiny you were both perfect you were safe from harm
Your dad and I we held you, the first moments of knowing true love
We had to let you go so you could rest for you belonged with God above
You will always be on our minds and will be forever in our heart
My sweet little angel babies we will never be apart
Although consumed with sadness I am still lucky you see
For not all moms see their angels so for that well lucky me
I will carry you forever in my empty broken womb
For one day we will meet again my angels gone too soon!

Love Mommy (Shellie-Marie Kelly)

My thoughts they all start drifting, till I am further and further away
Knwoing that if things had been different you would be here with me today
And as I sit and ponder and think of what could have been
I think if how my life is so different O the horrible things I have seen
Too many broken hearts and way too many tears
How we will never forget you but the grief will lessen through the years
I want to remember your face tiny fingers tiny toesd
But when I think about how I lost you I feel an emptiness only an angel mother knows
Each moment you are not with me I die a little deep inside
My sadness fileed with tears a grief I just cannot hide
Why has this happened to me? Am I not destined to be a mom
Please my daughters hlep me through this until your baby sibling comes
And when that day is upon us and true happiness it brings
I still will always have you in my heart my little girls with wings!

By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

How can you heal a broken heart that broke 4 months ago
How can you make a smiling face I'm not afraid to show
How can you fill and empty womb when noone can replace
How can I move on with my life without Anna and Grace?
Where have all the good times gone and when will they return
Where have all the moments gone whenever will we learn?

How can you heal a broken heart that will never mend
When will the joy & happiness return and all my sadness end?
Will there be a day in my life when I won't share a tear
Wihsing things that cannot be like you are with me here?
That day in June my dreams collapsed I'll never be the same
Cause on the day you were gone I learned the true meaning of pain
Every day since has been blackI wonder around in the dark
Knowing the scars although internal have left an indellible mark
The tears shed like falling rain more frequent than before
Please know although I carry on you are both in my heart forever more!

By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

The day I learned you were gone my world came to an end
For I begain to realize that this broken heart will never mend
I begged God up above to tell me it was only a dream
Indtead I got no answer, instead total silence causing me to scream
You have taken so much from me already please don't take this too
But my begs and pleas were futile there was nothing I could do
Don't tell me it wasn't meant to be that they are better gone
Cause it hurts me that much more and its harder for me to move on
Each day I wake up thinking it was dream only to see what's real
That I am now all alone with no babies and I have to try to deal
With unending sadness & sorrow that seem to envelop my every day
Taking all my strength to get our of bed but somehow still find a way
I still cry tears of sadness as my due date draws ever near
Wating my girls with me not in heaven but instead right here
I knew this pregnancy would be difficult but I could never know
What was about to happen to me, I would have to let you go
The last time that we saw you, you made your daddy and I cry
As one lay there so silently while the other waved goodbye
Now all I have is memories of the short time you spent in me
I'll treasure them forever you'll always be part of our family
Although you sprouted tiny wings and flew to heaven up above
You'll always be our daughters the angels that we love
So while you look down on us remember we loved you from the start
And although you're there up in heaven we will never be apart!

By:Shellie-Marie Kelly

Our babies in heaven playing in the sky
while was are down here on earth wondering why
Why did he take you away from us then
The moments running through my head over and over again
I learned about angels so long ago
I fell like a fool how could I not know
Nothing goes right this too will be taken away
When I least expect it I won't even know the day
How foolish I was to think you would be there
You never listen to me do you even care?
How can you do this to my broken soul
So many things have happened they will surely take their toll
If a baby is a blessing form a God of love
What shoould I think when he calls them to be with him up above
Am I not worthy tell me what have I done
To anger a God who is as bright as the sun
I promis I will be better I will do waht I deserve
Please give me a blessing and to him I will finally serve
By:Shellie-Marie Kelly


I have a small room where nobody goes
Behind the closed door nobody knows
Heartbreak and heartache are hiding in there
Noone will enter nobody would dare
The room sits slent where 2 angels rest
On top of the bookshelf... he only takes the best
To open the the door you feel the air is cold
Their sprits are there they will never get old
A constant reminder of that sad June day
When we met them then they were taken away
Only I can go in there and all the stories tell
Of my life since they left us how its been my idea of hell
Though Daddy he loves you he can't bear to speak
Of how much he misses you he thinks he is too weak
They are resting at home back where they belong
We can't wait till we see you we know it is wrong
So the room will stay silent cold and bare
Till we fill it with laughter and you too will share
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

Mommy' arms are empty with no babies to hold
Winter is now coming its starting to get cold
Daddy's heart is broken his shattered dreams on the floor
As he thinks of his daughters and no more family of four
Mommy's womb is empty she walks around all alone
No more kicking or movements no more belly grown
Daddy may not show it but he'll never be the same
His loss is hidden deep in his heart tille he sees his girls again
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

Christmas is coming but I really don't care
For you are not with me it just isn't fair
This year would be different I remember I said
O the fun we will have now all my hopes are dead
My dreams area ll shattered locked in a room
For my girls are not with me just an empty womb
I want to run away and never look back
Forget about the day it all turned to black
I want to sit in the chair ricking our babies to sleep
I never knew pain could cut through so deep
I don't want giftts I want what I cannot get
My baby girls ere I would be forever in your debt
Why bother wishing for things that cannot be
Well its all that I want my girls home here with me
So the snow can keep falling I'll still fall apart
Then everyone can feel the coldness in my heart.
By: Shellie-Marie Kelly

Since I Lost My Girls

Since I lost my girls my days have been filled with sadness and emptiness. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I have these moments during that day that I have a sensation... almost like a pee sensation... Gotta go gotta go right now.... you know what I mean? Instead of pee what flows out of me is poetry... poems about my feelings and my thoughts about my life now without my girls. I have pages of poems and I have decided to post them on here. There may be some people who understand what losing a child is like and I hope they see poetry is a useful outlet for your pain. I will post them as often as I can.

Precious Little Ones

Precious Little Ones

Precious, tiny little ones
You'll always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent
Part of heaven's family.

We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother, He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our children,
The children that we had.

But now your gone.... but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong,
We'll forget you never.
The children we had but never had,
And yet will have forever.

Unkown Author

Sad Days Ahead For Us

Anna Waving goodbye to us after we found out Grace was gone... that is Grace's leg in the picture..... Anna died 2 days later.

So much has happened since my last post. We were all excited to go to the hospital for our big ultrasound but when we got there our lives changed forever. They came and got me and began the ultrasound and she said the babies are measuring small....so it won't be the big ultrasound with the video this time around. I said that's ok as long as my babies are ok...... and she responded well I cannot tell you that the dr will have to discuss that with you. What an odd response I thought... but I let it go and chocked it up to being a long day for her. Eventually she went and got "Daddy" and brought him back in to the room with me. We sat and waited and waited and waited...... reminded us of Mt Sinai all over again. I started to worry... something must be wrong if its taking this long for the radiologist to discuss the pictures with her. Then eventually she came back with the radiologist who had this terrible look on his face. He turned to us and said I am very sorry to tell you one of your twins has died. Well I just wanted to scream... but instead I decided to be strong. So I said OK well we knew that was a possibility so what does this mean to the survivor? How did it die? When did it die? I just started to ramble off questions at this poor man. He couldn't answer any. He gave us options of going to talk to an OB in the hospital which we declined and I said I would prefer to talk to Dr Smith since he understands our situation... He kept apologizing then left. He was shaky and sad and we appreciated that e was human. The girl came back in and said I am so sorry for your loss would you still like to see the survivor? I looked at Roy and said O yes please. So she began the ultrasound. Instan tly we could see the other one swimming and waving at us... it was incredible. She asked us if we wanted to know what they were and we both said yes. They are GIRLS! Well you could have just knocked me over with a feather! GIRLS! My dream come true. We saw the survivor flourishing and she looked really good... her heart was beating and she was waving at us! We even counted her fingers it was so clear! The lady asked us if we wanted to see the other one and I said yes I wanted to. There she lay motionless, no heartbeat, her sister swimming by her probably wondering why she wasn't playing anymore.... It was a really sad moment and thats when I think it began to really hit us. There was no beautiful heartbeat anymore, she wasn't swimming about frolicking around with her sister like we saw at the last ultrasound. This was my nightmare come true! :( Roy and I couldn't get out of that hospital fast enough... we practically ran out with our picture of the survivor in one hand and our hands clasped so tightly in the other... I put on my sunglasses as soon as we existed the ultrasound room because I could feel the tears stinging my eyes already. We got to the car and Roy just turned and grabbed me and we had a good cry together. It was so unfair. Now I had to walk around with a deceased babby inside me. IT was horrible. I felt her shift everytime I moved...It was the worst feeling.... or so I thought. We came home and cried and tried to accept that this had happened but realize we still had one in there and we just needed to focus on her. We got out the baby name book and we looked online for a name for our little angel. It took almost 24 hours but we came up with Grace Elizabeth. It was so perfect for her. My mother came over to try to make me feel better on Friday and we relaxed and things almost felt normal. She broke down telling me that I need to focus on our surviving little girl and just keep my strength up for her. I tried to explain that I felt that she too would pass soon but everyone just chocked it up to me being negative. I woke up on Saturday morning and I felt odd. I didn't feel that I was pregnant anymore. I knew that the other one had passed too. I tried to explain it but noone would listen to me. A mother knows.... We kept to ourselves pretty much over the weekend just trying to gather our strength and to focus on our little survivor...We had an appt with Dr Smith on Monday and then we would know better what is what and where we stood. We went to his office on Monday and we discussed our options and how unfortunately this is such a rare case that they cannot even give you percentages of whether she would survive. He said well would you like to hear her heartbeat? I said sure if there is one there. As soon as he puut the doppler on my belly I knew. There was nothing. Alot of noise from the placenta but that was it. He rushed us into the ultrasound room saying she could just be hiding.... but once the screen popped up I knew. She too was gone. They were both motionless, no heartbeat no movement at all. He looked at me and said do you know which one had passed last Thursday? Yes I said this one but it looks like both are gone now. He shook the belly hoping she was just sleeping but he knew. The ultrasound tech looked at him with a sad face and shook her head and then he teared up and said well... we won't be sending you to Mt Sinai afterall excuse me. He left and came back shortly afterwards. He looked so sad. He kept apologizing to us and then Roy came over and just gave me a great big hug. We both cried it was so sad. I apologized to him and siad I didn't want to be right I am so sorry. The lady said I need to talk some measurements of them do you mind? I said it was no problem that they could do whatever they needed to do. The Dr then discussed with me that they would try to get me into the hospital as soon as possible so we could induce the labour. LABOUR?? WHAT? Its not enough that I have lost my precious girls but now I have to go throught LABOUR PAIN?? I couldn't believe it and I asked them to get me in as soon as possible. I didn't like the thought that I was a walking tomb for my girls. They then put us in this little consultation room so we could be alone and deal with what had just happened. Roy looked over and saw a book and on the pages was written ANNA. He looked over at me and said thats it. Thats her name! I was getting frustrated with him because I couldn't see it. WHAT NAME?? WHERE? FINALLY I saw it. You want to name her Anna? That's a beautiful name. We left the hospital and were so sad. We discussed what we were going to do. Roy decided to go back to work the next day until they could get me into the hospital and I agreed. Tuesday I was sitting on the couch and started to have cramps and back pain. I had no idea what the heck it was. I just put the heating pad on it and hoped it would go away. They called and said the hospital wasn't available yet so maybe Wednesday. The pain got worse throughout the day and I got more and more concerned. When Roy came home I couldn't walk. I was doubled over in pain and begged him to help me to the hot bath maybe that would help. Finally after the bath I realized that my stomach had dropped... OMG I am labour! I called Tiffany to confirm and she said she suspected that was what it was too. I came down with my bag packed and asked Roy to take me to the hospital. They never told us it could start on our own so he wasn't sure it was real. I paged Dr Smith and he confirmed that was what it was and to head to Emergency right away. Dr Gysler was on duty and he would call him and make him aware of the sitauation and they would meet me in Emergency. We drove to the hospital and when we arrived the place was packed! OMG I was in panic mode and I was scared. While we were waiting I overheard a nurse say if Shellie xxxx comes to register her right away as they are waiting for her. So Roy said did you say Shellie xxxxx? She said yes.. thats us. They resgistered us right away and we were sent downstairs to the basement. They had a room waiting for us. We got there and waited for a short while before Dr G came in. Well I had the shock of my life today he said. I am so sorry. I was just so relieved that it was a Dr who knew us so I felt better. OK he said get changed into the gown go pee and then I will give you the pills. OK I am ready I thought. He has been up there countless times before so it won't hurt. He shoved teh pills up and said goodbye he would be back at 2am for the next dose. Instantly I started shaking and feeling sick. Great. Its going to be one of those hospital moments. I couldn't stop shaking no matter how many blankets they gave me and then I finally started to calm down and was able to just lay there and watch as my tummy dropped. Roy finally opened the cot and fell asleep pretty fast. We didn't know how long it would be so I figured we both should get some sleep. HA! I didn't sleep for 5 minutes the entire night. I was scared and sad. The nurse came in at 2:30am and said Dr G wants you to take 2 pills orally instead this time. OK. I can do that. I took them and she left. Immediately the shakes began but this time I also started to throw up. GREAT! The nurse came in and said O dear are you ok. I was so sick I couldn't stop shaking or puking. HMM maybe its the pills??? Well they left me alone for hours and hours. Noone checked on me. I went to bathroom and I tried to push them out on my own since the nurse had left me with the impression that was what I was to do. I was simply asked to use the containers not let them drop in the toilet. Nothing worked I would push and nothing would come..... except diarrhea. LOTS OF IT! At one point I was laying in bed and said to Roy OMG I think I just crapped the bed. He lifted the sheets and said O sweetie you did. I was covered. He helped me up and changed me and got a new gown and started to change the sheets and blankets for me then went out to get the nurse.... she came in and said ave you eaten? NO they said I couldn't eat when I was admitted at 9pm that night so I haven't. Instantly she gave me an IV. This isn't good.... you need nutrients in your body she said. She was a wonderful nurse. Her name was Chantal. She checked on me several times an hour and when she gave me the second dose of the pills orally she witnessed first hand how sick I got. OK we cannot give them to you orally anymore she said. I agreed. THANK YOU! We will have Dr Jong come down and give you the next dose teh proper way. OK. Dr Jong was another Dr from ISIS. I thought that was funny. She was very sweet. She asked us if these were babies or fetus to us and we instantly responded babies. These are our beautiful girls. We want to see them after as well. That told her where our heads were at too. She would come in and help me with anything I needed. When Dr Jong eventually came in to insert the pills he alsoo decided to stretch my cervix with his hand...(Although I feel it was his fist) It hurt like nothing before. I was lifting off the bed and he was getting frustrated with me. Chantal came over and held my hand and rubbed my back and said its ok relax. Its almost done. She gave me shots of demarol with Gravol mixed in to help with the pain and throwing up and she was wondefully attentive to me. Shortly after Dr Jong left teh contractions kicked into high gear. WOW I never knew pain like that existed! I would roll onto my side and grab onto the bed rails and just push.... it hurt so much! Roy was on the bed with me rubbing my back and Chantal was on the other side with me rubbing my thighs and telling me to breathe... It went on for about 2 hours and then just as quickly as it started there they were, I felt them come out. At 6:55PM I said they are here they are here. She loooked and said ok good, keep pushing they are almost out. What was funny is that they came out with the sac completely intact still. My water never broke! Poor Roy he saw them. I had this urge to ask if they were ok but I knew they weren't. She was so respectful she took the sac and placed them in the container she had brought had pierced the membrane and took the girls out one by one. Unfortunately I was busy thowing up so I missed that moment. Roy was still on the bed with me and he had this sad look in his face. He originally didn't want to see them. He thought that would be too hard. But now he was there and he was looking at them. Lying there on the bed. Our daughters. Grace Elizabeth and Anna Marie Kelly. They were here! Chantal took them out of the room to clean them up and asked me to go and see if I could psuh out the placenta. I said OK I wil try. I went and it almost came out. Chantal came in and brought us our bundle of babies. They were wrapped in a blanket and when you unwrapped them there they were placed in tiny little robes. They were the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life. I wanted to hold them and caress them and kiss them, I wanted to tell them how much I loved them and how our lives will never be the same without them in it. But I couldn't stop thorwing up and I was bleeding pretty heavily. Roy grabbed the camera and took a couple pictures and then the nurse heard me throwing up again and came in. She checked the bleeding and said she was concerned and had called the Dr. Roy and I thanked her so much for our time with our girls. We were only abe to be with them for a very short time but were so greatful we had that. We both touched them and told them how much we loved them before they were taken away. Chantal had stayed past her shift just to make sure that she was there for us during the delivery and told us she would go now but to take care of ourselves. We thanked her for that and she presented us with the robes they were wrapped in. The next thing I knew another nurse was in there and wiping me down and I was told I had to go for a D&C to control the bleeding and because the placenta was stuck. I was frightened and still sick. Dr Smith came down to get me personally and then we went up to the OR. I threw up in the elevator again.... and then it was so quick, filled out some forms, they took some blood and I was whisked off for surgery. Poor Roy didn't know what was going on.... I mean we just had the babies and now this!? I had to sign a blood transfusion form because they thought I had lost too much blood.. Once we got in the OR it was fast and I was out in a matter of minutes. All went well and when I came out Roy was in the recovery room waitng for me. It was over. I had 2 IVs and they took me back to my room and Roy and I just lay there... he moved the cot closer to me so we could be together. We had just experienced the single most incredible yet most painful thing in our lives together. But we survived. They had me on pitocin for the night and when I woke up I was ready to go. Once breakfast came I ate... O it was so good to eat again! And I asked if we were going home. They said that the Dr just wnated to run through that bag into your IV so if we wanted to we could go. They took out the IVs and I changed and we packed up and were ready to go home. All I wanted to do was come home.... and yet it was so hard to leave the hospital without our girls. We had made special arrangements to have them picked up and taken to Turner and Porter to have them cremated. My mother made the arrangements for us and Thank God for her. They were picked up in a lambskin lined casket together and were brought back to the funeral home. Where they will be dressed and special things will be placed inside with them. Including this blog. It was always meant to be with them so now it will be for eternity. Later next week we will get the urns with our girls inside and finally they will be home with us. All I want right now is to have them home with us. Evenutally they will be buried with mommy and daddy since that is where they belong. They may be gone but will never be forgotten! They are in our hearts for all eternity and I believe we will see them again someday but for now they are with my grandmother in heaven. We will love them forever and for always and as long as we are living our babies they will be. Now we just have to move past it and move on but they will always be in our hearts! We love you Grace and Anna never doubt that. May you rest in peace.

Love Mommy and Daddy.

Pictures

15 weeks 16 weeks 17 weeks



some albeit blurry pictures from the last couple weeks.

No big changes yet aside from visually. I am definitely feeling the babies grow... and I am finally starting to put on some weight. WOW Bet you never thought I would say that!!

I will update again later this week. The big dr appt is Friday and my big 30 Birthday is Thursday.

MO MO Twins

Well I am sorry I haven't updated in a while but alot has been going on..... It is official everyone knows now and I am starting to show. Which is funny because I am 4 months and should already look huge! I am having a problem with my weight (back to prepregnancy weight) due to the momo's making me very sick but thanks to diclectin I am on the road to weight gain again.

On Monday May 29th we had our first appointment with Dr Smith at the High Risk Clinic and he was great. I really hope that he delivers my little bundles because he had a great disposition and he even rushed me in to have an ultrasound right then and there during our appointment. He was pretty sure they were in the same sac but wanted Dr. Ryan at Mt. Sinai to see me in case of any issues... We got the appt at Mt. Sinai for Wednesday May 31st and it was the appt from HELL. We got there and waited and waited and waited... finally we got in and saw a nurse and had a consultation discussing best case and worst case scenarios.... OK I can handle this. Roy and I talked and waited and waited some more then we got into an u/s room and waited some more... by now it was almost 11am... and our appt was for 9am. HMM well its worth it we kept thinking. Finally the nurse came in and did the scan it was our worst case scenario... they appear to be in the same sac but the Dr will have to come and do the scan himself to confirm. SO AGAIN we waited... but this time we waited with a picture on the screen of the umbilical cords entangled... Roy had this look on his face that I pray I never see again... he was so upset and devestated and I felt like I had to be strong even though I was thinking the same thing he was.... The worst case scenario is that one or both of the babies will die due to the cords being entangled and compressed. There are "options" abort one baby giving the other a better chance or end the pregnancy altogether.... Not options in our minds. The other problem is that the oxygen could be cut off to their brains and they could have cerebral palsy... can you just imagine raising one or two sick kids.. they try to make you feel bad but it didn't work. We were not even considering it. It's in God's hands. The Dr came in after lunch (around 1) and did a scan and the little hyperactive kids weren't making it easy for him. O no they kept changing positions which frustrated him .... finally he said OK go out in the waiting room and YOU GUESSED IT.... WAIT until the other machine is available and then we can see better there... so we went out and waited for another 2 hours.... then we had the scan on this machine... mercedes machine they call it... clearer picture... the sonographer started the scan then called in the dr and then I wear to you I thought they were going to start selling popcorn.... there were 5 people (not including Roy and I) watching this scan... apparently a medical puzzle.... lucky me. By now I am tired and hungryt and thirsty and I just want to leave!!! FInally they determine there is absolutely no membrane between them and yes the cords are already quite tangled up.... BUT there is nothing we can do...... BUT...............WAIT! So we went into the first room where we started and waited some more... but this time they brought us an article on momo pregnancies. The first thing I read was the fatality rateis 30-70% Well I wanted to just scream but I stayed and calmly waited for the nurse to come back in say that they didn't think things looked very good but IF we make it to 26 weeks then we will see them here in Toronto again. In the meantime Dr Smith can continute to see me every other week and do a scan to see how things are progressing.... for those of you reading this that means to see if one or both babies are still "alive". So day to day I walk around with these babies inside me not knowing if today is the day that one or both will perish. A very morbid thought I realize...but nonetheless the truth. I hope we can make it tilll 26 weeks and then they will hospitalize me until they are born. Daily monitoring will have give them the best chance. In the meantime my heart aches and my heart breaks and the tears have finally stopped flowing. We really just have to take it one day at a time.
The problem is that monoamniotic twins are a very risky pregnancy and we just have to keep these precious miracles in our thoughts and prayers.

Our Second Ultrasound................SURPRISE!

Well we went for our second ultrasound yesterday and we were met with such a gigantic surprise my head is still reeling!!

We arrived at the fertility clinic and they called my name to go in. She did the measurements from the belly and then I could pee! Now for the trans vag ultrasound... OK so I am used to them so no biggie for me. It felt like she was in there for an hour! Well it was actually 31 minutes that I was in the ultrasound room so I guess time goes a little slower that we thought! FINALLY she went to get Roy so we could look at our little bug all snug as a bug in a rug! She says well this time we are seeing something different.. I said o yes its probably bigger.... she turns the monitor and there we see a flicker of a heartbeat... I was so full of instant love... then she says there are 2! 2 what? 2 BABIES! 2 Heartbeats! TWINS! OMG I couldn't believe it...but I couldn't stop staring at the screen then ROy says Why don't they have seats in here for the husbands?? We weren't sure if he was going to pass out or what so the tech gave him her seat! I looked over at him and he was pale but had this huge smile on his face.. Secretly telling me not to worry everything will be alright! When I went into the room to change I almost fell as my mind started racing and my legs started to buckle... I just stood therer for a second and said...well God only gives us what we can handle so we will be fine. We sat in the waiting room and they gave us a picture showing them both. We just couldn't stop looking at it as the world around us was spinning. We never expected that! Funny how today is such a completely new day compared to yesterday!

Well we have scanned in the picture and we are giving it framed as an Easter gift to the grandparents for Easter so I will let you know their response!

This truly is a blessed Easter!

Well you are going to be grandparents!

I am really sorry I haven't updated in a while but I have just been busy dealing with family and friends since most now know about you joyous news. I am also suffering from a problem with my sciatic nerve and am so tired at the end of the day!

We finally told my mom and Peter. We went to dinner at their house and I just couldn't get around to telling them... I chickened out! After being there for several hours, after eating dinner and dessert and talking forever it was time to go............ we still hadn't told them. It was so hard. Finally Roy says to them SHellie has something she wants to tell you and my mom says O what you didn't like dinner? (typical response) And I responded no we're pregnant! They laughed amd mom jumped up and hugged me and said it worked!! Yes it worked but unfortunately at that point it still wasn't real to us really... Aside from slight nausea I didn't feel any different!

Then on Saturday we decided to stop by Roy's parent's house and have a quick chat. We arrived bags in hand (bibs for each grandparent that said I Love my Grandma or Grandpa and a plain bib for Auntie Susan) We arrived only to find out that Susan was out for the day! So we sat and chatted for a bit and then Roy decided to give them the bags anyways. They got excited and hugged us and told us they just knew bla bla bla.... (I am glad everyone else knew cause Roy and I sure didn't!) They were excited and later that night Susan called and said congratulations Mommy and Daddy!

All the grandparents are excited and happy and looking forward to being able to tell people in May (when we have reached our 3 month mark)

Update soon!

The next ultrasound is April 13th! Looking forward to seeing my little bug.