Fun up North

Canada Day Weekend 2010

We celebrated Canada Day by blowing up a small part of it! ;)

Canada Day weekend we spent up in God's country amazing nature animals and right on the water.  We truly had the time of our lives... here are some pictures we took.

Some random pictures I took while on a drive and a few flowers from my garden..

So much to say....

Where do I start?  Today is the 4 year anniversary of the birth of my daughters.  Hard to imagine it's been 4 years .. where has the time gone!?  Ironically so much has happened in the past 4 years.  Both good and bad.  I am lucky enough to have a niece and a nephew now and they are truly the light of my life.  Due to my extreme kidney problems I will be unable to have a child.  I am 34 years old and that was one of the most devastating doctor appointments I have ever had.  My kidneys are both functioning at 25% and as time goes by they are getting progressively worse and I will eventually need to go on dialysis and or get a kidney transplant.  There is no possibility of me carrying a pregnancy and not being on dialysis during the pregnancy and the doctors have insisted I not even try any more.  Sadly that will be the end of the journey down the winding path of infertility.  From now on it will only be the winding path of Auntiedom.  I love being an aunt it fills a part of my heart that was left empty.  It in no way shape or form replaces the hole my daughters left.  Nothing ever will.  When my niece hugs me or says something to me that makes me laugh it gives me a feeling of happiness I thought I would never know.  When my nephew crawls over to where I am sitting I am almost in tears because it's so amazing.  I imagine these kids will never know how much I love them or understand why but they keep me going.  So this means my blog will now be changing.  I won't put any pictures up of the kids because I am not their parents and it's not my place to show them.  I love photography so I will be changing this blog to more of a place to display my photographs and stories.  I will change the layout and template design of the blog but it is really still me. 

UPDATE

I know it has been a long time since I posted and I apologize.  SOOO much to tell so little space to write.  HA HA!  What a life... certainly and undeniably not the one I thought I would have but at the end of the day this is the hand I was dealt.  I have the most amazing niece and nephew.  They really do fill the void in my heart that I have.  Maybe not all the way but alot of the way.  Everytime I hear my niece say Auntie I swear to you I feel my heart actually stop beating for just a moment and my nephew who may only be 6 months but already has me wrapped around his fingers....  It has been 2 weeks without them because I have been sick and I miss them so much.  My sister sends me a picture of them and I see how big they are already!!!!  They are just beyond adorable.  OK you get it I know Heart filled.



In the wonderful world of infertility nothing has changed.  I have an appointment with my kidney specialist and that is where my focus is right now but thank you to all who have sent me messages and asked.  I am so touched that people care.  

My Nephew is HERE & I am on a journey.......

The day I had dreaded for the past 10 months came on Monday... an almost 10lb baby boy!
My sister who has also had to deal with infertility and miscarriages gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever had the privlige of seeing... I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle seeing a baby, holding a baby, being around a baby.  I thought my entire world would crash and I would never recover.  This is the first baby I have held since my girls... and even though it's been over 3 years it is still something that hurts and something that sticks with you.  I walked into the hospital with my niece and all I could think about was don't fall apart in front of your sister.  She just went through a hellish labour... The moment I saw him and held him in my arms I melted like a chocolate bar in the microwave.... My heart literally stopped he is just so perfect and so beautiful and those feelings and sadness dissapeared.  This little boy has stolen my heart.  I have a nephew... someone new I can spoil and play with.  My sister who is my new hero. I cannot tell you how terrible her labour was lets just leave at my hero... Like singing "have I ever told you your my hero?  You're everything I would like to be!!  LOL  Think Bette, red hair and beaches ;)  I was lucky enough to see this little boy twice in one day... perfect and innocent and BIG did I mention he was almost 10lbs!??  Queue that hero song again... LOL!  I am working through my issues but now I have something great something wonderful in my life and I am thankful for that. 

On another note I am on a 40 day journey.  This is an amazing journey, a spiritual journey through a book which helping me try to figure out my purpose here on earth.  I highly reccommend it.... It is a different kind of book and it is extremely religious but it gives me alot to think about.  Sometimes you sit and wonder why am I here?  What is my purpose.... this book is helping me realize that there may be more to my life than the fact that I am barren.  Every night you read a chapter... Each chapter you learn a new lesson and each chapter I realize I have so much I need to think about.  There is a life outside of being a mommy... if you talk to MOST mommys they want something outside of being a mommy and I am looking to just be a mommy.  Funny how life is.  I am trying to focus on being a better person.. and not focus on what I don't have and can't have but instead on what I do have... like my beautiful niece and my brand new perfect little nephew.  Both are blessings not just to their parents but also to me.  I hope that they will grow up knowing that I will always be there for them for whatever they need. 
Please join me in congratulations to my sister and her family on their perfect new addition to their family!

In Rememberance..............

Tonight in rememberance of not only my girls but every baby lost I lit my 2 candles.  Here are some pictures.  I like to think about what it would look like from heaven all these candles lit across the world.  I think all our children in heaven are smiling tonight knowing we still remember them and long for them.  There is not one second of one minute of one day that I don't think about them.  You would like to think 3 years later that your heart doesn't ache or that your grief is gone.  Sadly its not and it hasn't.  This day is to be not selfish and only remember or think about my own loss but to have every other person's loss in my memory as well.  Today I rememebered for everyone. 

Wave of Light for October 15th

Thank you in advance for lighting a candle in memory of all our angels

Paging Dr Kelly....

Yesterday while driving home from my inlaws my husband and I were having a conversation about our past and regrets we have.  He said the funniest thing to me.  He said I should go back to school and become a Doctor.  Ya a 33 year old going through school to be a Doctor... thats almost funny.  IRONICALLY... that is one of MY regrets.  That I wasted so much time and money and having nothing so show for it... I would have much rathered gone to school and became a Doctor.  I would have loved to have done that... instead.  He asked me if I was a Doctor what my specialty would have been... What is really funny is I didn't even have to think about it.  I would want to work in the neonatology area with children... but anyone who knows me knows that would be the world's worst idea.... I tend to become attached to people so imagine how attached I would become to a sick baby or their families.  That would be bad but at the same time I would get to spend time with children and since I don't get to have that here at home....  I wonder... He also mentioned to me his regret... a job he always wanted.  Funny the conversations you have.  For the record I encouraged him to try his.. I think like most things in my life.. again its too late for mine.  Maybe I can be the world's oldest candy striper?  HA HA!  I sure wish this was one of the things that the psychic mentioned to me all those years ago.. instead of setting me up for a heartbreak and colossal waste of money and time.