Just a quick post cause I had to show a few pics of how I spent Earth Hour. I think it is so funny that for an hour ONE HOUR a year... people can't shut off the lights. I know this is really gonna shock all of you... but EVEN I shut off the TV!! I sat for an hour and read a magazine. Caught up on my gossip... just a couple months late!!! I hope you all spent earth hour in the dark as well. What would Earth Hour be without me taking pictures!!!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Secrets........................
Some days my secrets are shown right across my face... other days I am able to hide it.
BUT I have a secret for you...
People ask me constantly how I moved on and how I was able to get up everyday
Here is the answer.
Life is unbelievable, it thows you curves and gives you a future you never saw and never wanted. You sit and cry most nights and your heartache grows with every new pregnancy announced and every baby you see. Today I was driving home from work listening to some great "screamy music" Linkin Park! I was sitting at a red light.... and there in front of me was amom in a minivan and you could literally see her losing her mind.. the kids were obviously fighting and she was doing her best to get them to behave... and all I could think of... is I will never have that moment. Never have to say "don't make me turn this car around" or "don't make me come back there" I think that people really take all these moments for granted while people like us sit there and die a little inside at the thought of missing out. So how do I move on how do I get up everyday. I have hope. Hope that there is more to this life... that people and doctors are wrong. Aside from that... I have just stopped caring! My husband and I used to have the biggest fights we would scream and throw things... ok I would throw things.. but still it was so passionate. The problem is that I just don't care anymore. You always think worst case scenario well for me... worst case scenario already happened. What could be worse.... what could be worse than having your dreams ripped out of you.. waking every day wondering if today is the day that your babies will die inside of you. Losing them and going through horrendous labour and holding your dead babies in your arms. I ask you what can be worse? A stupid fight about sex or money? Not bloody likely! I feel like I am just dead inside.... emotionally. I am really good at acting. I spend all day at work working my ass off and making jokes and putting on a great show. The truth is if I had my choice I would never get out of bed again. I would lock myself in my house because it is my safe zone. Noone can hurt me in here. I am not forced to be fake here, I don't have to deal with people and their babies and their happy little lives. I don't have to pretend here. Here I can be real. Here I am who I am and to hell with anyone and everyone else. How 3 years later it is possible to still feel so raw and torn apart is beyond my comprehension but I do. I miss what could have been.... I miss what should have been. I wonder if I can sustain this marriage... this life without being a mom. I fear that I can't.
BUT I have a secret for you...
People ask me constantly how I moved on and how I was able to get up everyday
Here is the answer.
Life is unbelievable, it thows you curves and gives you a future you never saw and never wanted. You sit and cry most nights and your heartache grows with every new pregnancy announced and every baby you see. Today I was driving home from work listening to some great "screamy music" Linkin Park! I was sitting at a red light.... and there in front of me was amom in a minivan and you could literally see her losing her mind.. the kids were obviously fighting and she was doing her best to get them to behave... and all I could think of... is I will never have that moment. Never have to say "don't make me turn this car around" or "don't make me come back there" I think that people really take all these moments for granted while people like us sit there and die a little inside at the thought of missing out. So how do I move on how do I get up everyday. I have hope. Hope that there is more to this life... that people and doctors are wrong. Aside from that... I have just stopped caring! My husband and I used to have the biggest fights we would scream and throw things... ok I would throw things.. but still it was so passionate. The problem is that I just don't care anymore. You always think worst case scenario well for me... worst case scenario already happened. What could be worse.... what could be worse than having your dreams ripped out of you.. waking every day wondering if today is the day that your babies will die inside of you. Losing them and going through horrendous labour and holding your dead babies in your arms. I ask you what can be worse? A stupid fight about sex or money? Not bloody likely! I feel like I am just dead inside.... emotionally. I am really good at acting. I spend all day at work working my ass off and making jokes and putting on a great show. The truth is if I had my choice I would never get out of bed again. I would lock myself in my house because it is my safe zone. Noone can hurt me in here. I am not forced to be fake here, I don't have to deal with people and their babies and their happy little lives. I don't have to pretend here. Here I can be real. Here I am who I am and to hell with anyone and everyone else. How 3 years later it is possible to still feel so raw and torn apart is beyond my comprehension but I do. I miss what could have been.... I miss what should have been. I wonder if I can sustain this marriage... this life without being a mom. I fear that I can't.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
As I sit here and drink my glass of wine from a box that has been in my fridge since before Christmas... I am thinking to myself how funny life is. How things happen that you never expected and how short life can be, how full of surprises both good and bad, how 3 years later you can still shed tears for hours at just the thought of something sad that changed your life forever and how the other side fo the spectum things can make you smile and laugh like never before. For those who don't know me I am an addict. I have a real problem... but its not one you are thinking.. I am addicted to televeision. I PVR approximately 50hours a week! FIFTY HOURS! People call me TV guide. AND to make matters worse while I am watching TV at night or on weekends (cause when else can you possibly catch up on it?) I am on the computer catching up on blogs, gossip. tweeting or facebook. Why do I do this you ask? Well I think that its my version of an escape. Some of the shows are sad or mysterious... others make me laugh right out loud and yet others are medical and I feel like I am learning.... Do you ever think of your life and wish you could have a do-over? I wish I could do over my entire life!! There are very very few things that I wouldn't change. There are some people in my life that I would die without so I believe thy are in my life for a reason. They are both friends and family! (in case you were wondering) It is a truly amazing world that we are living in and to think that we are all only here for one lifetime and some of us are made to suffer through unheardof moments.. .moments that would rip your heart right out of your body and yet you still survive... you still find a way to continue on. Just seems so unfair doesn't it? I never ever imagined that my life would be what it is. I never thought for one second that I would not be a mother. I always believed it in my heart.... to tell you the truth I think a big part of me still believes I will be even though I have been told different. It is all I ever wanted.. since I was a little girl and played mommy.... It is just not a truth I can accept. I never will... I can imagine sitting in my rocking chair rocking back and forth with grey hair and my husband sitting right next to me..... and still believing I will be a mom. I think as women we take it for granted that it is just something that will happen. FOr many of us MANY MANY of us an increasing number of us... it won't happen without help. It may not happen at all.... For those of us in Ontario Canada they are having a march. A march on Mothers day where all people like "us" are going to push empty strollers to Queens Park to demand that they pay for infertility treatments... the very thought of it both excites and terrifies me. For those who are in the area.. please do it... I think that it is a great idea.
http://www.conceivabledreams.org/cd/mdm.html I encourage anything that makes the government realize this is becoming a real problem, an epidemic!
http://www.conceivabledreams.org/cd/mdm.html I encourage anything that makes the government realize this is becoming a real problem, an epidemic!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Guess Who!?

Can you guess who this is? Unbelievable that they are aging this character! My niece loves her and I am just not sure how much she will be able to do? You may not recognize her since she doesn't have a backpack or boots! OOPS did I give it away? What do you think? Alot of parents are in an uproar about it! I think its kinda funny but odd at the same time!
Thank you for the messages I received yesterday as always I am touched and I am amazed at the support I continue to get from you. You are all amazing women!! I love each and every one of you. Thank you! I have really been surrounded lately by compassion and love and mostly from people who don't really know me. You really start to see who you can count on and who can show you a love like none other.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
WARNING EMOTIONAL BLOG WARNING!!!!
OK so maybe its that time of year or hormones or just me but if I hear one more word about Ms. Octomom I may hurt someone! I don't care that she hasn't had sex in 8 years... funny 16 kids and no sex.. no the irony is not lost on me!! No I don't care that she went and spent $1000 on makeup and I especially don't care that she had an exciting weekend! People stop giving this woman the time of day! You are just giving her what she wants.... Ignore her and she will go away! SHE IS NOT A CELEBRITY!
OK so I am becoming what I hate the most a bitter battered broken uterus bitch! Sorry but I have the right to be miserable and sad and be jealous that some people are just so damn lucky and fertile meanwhile there are those of us out there who are unable to bear our own children or have cracked eggs. Yup that is me cracked eggs.... OK I warned you that I am miserable... I have days where all I want to do is CRY! I have days that I sit and wonder why the hell I am even alive.. because really what is the point!? But I still find a way to carry on and live another day. I am so broken hearted over children with cancer. It truly kills me to even think about it (yes Tuesday is still on my mind) There are so many little angels that my heart breaks in two literally in two. I spent yesterday watching Jon & Kate episodes.. there is this one episode where they gave back and showed all these kids with cancer... I finished watching the show and was still bawling my eyes out... I ran upstairs and all I wanted to do was hold my girls.. What a stupid thing. What a stupid thing to forget for just a moment you don't have children. I cried for over an hour.. these poor children and their families what hell they must be going through. Even Tuesday's mom she posted the other day how unfair it is that her kids make pancakes without their sister and you just think of how precious time is. How sad life must be for this woman... and her identical sister, will she even remember her sister?
Sisters - what a great segway! My sister who if she was any closer to me these days would be surgically attached to my side... (WHICH I LOVE!!!!!!!!- see above for reasons to live) has been through her own version of hell lately.. 6 miscarriages and she lost her latest just a little while ago... her af went MIA went for an U/S today and wouldn't you know it... she is expecting again! FUCKING FERTILE MYRTLE!! I love her! I am thrilled for her!! Unbelievable how things turn out. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers that this one WILL STICK AROUND FOR 9 MONTHS! We don't even know how far along she is technically... I believe its around 4 weeks... I know that people think I am completely insane... completely and totally but I love TV. I think I PVR around 50 hours a week... it is my escape from reality. I love it! There are some absolutely AMAZING television shows on the tube these days. It is so hilarious that 1/4 of the shows are comedies... the rest are mostly medical shows. Monday nights are my LAUGH FEST! I laugh out loud so frequently! I highly recommend it to everyone!
I think I have gone through the gammit of emotions through this post! Sorry for that...Hopefully that means my 7 month "dry spell" is ending soon! Emotions are a sign of PMS right?? At least for some women!??
Lastly I want to send a special thought and prayer out to K and Niki I am really thinking of you tonight.. I hope that this is all over with soon and you can move on to the next phase. virtual hugs to you!! Have a margarita for me! (or 10)
OOOO and yes we saw Watchmen! LOTS OF "Little Blue" lots of big blue! HA HA! I loved the movie with or without male frontal nudity... cause really nothing to write home about! LOL!
OK so I am becoming what I hate the most a bitter battered broken uterus bitch! Sorry but I have the right to be miserable and sad and be jealous that some people are just so damn lucky and fertile meanwhile there are those of us out there who are unable to bear our own children or have cracked eggs. Yup that is me cracked eggs.... OK I warned you that I am miserable... I have days where all I want to do is CRY! I have days that I sit and wonder why the hell I am even alive.. because really what is the point!? But I still find a way to carry on and live another day. I am so broken hearted over children with cancer. It truly kills me to even think about it (yes Tuesday is still on my mind) There are so many little angels that my heart breaks in two literally in two. I spent yesterday watching Jon & Kate episodes.. there is this one episode where they gave back and showed all these kids with cancer... I finished watching the show and was still bawling my eyes out... I ran upstairs and all I wanted to do was hold my girls.. What a stupid thing. What a stupid thing to forget for just a moment you don't have children. I cried for over an hour.. these poor children and their families what hell they must be going through. Even Tuesday's mom she posted the other day how unfair it is that her kids make pancakes without their sister and you just think of how precious time is. How sad life must be for this woman... and her identical sister, will she even remember her sister?
Sisters - what a great segway! My sister who if she was any closer to me these days would be surgically attached to my side... (WHICH I LOVE!!!!!!!!- see above for reasons to live) has been through her own version of hell lately.. 6 miscarriages and she lost her latest just a little while ago... her af went MIA went for an U/S today and wouldn't you know it... she is expecting again! FUCKING FERTILE MYRTLE!! I love her! I am thrilled for her!! Unbelievable how things turn out. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers that this one WILL STICK AROUND FOR 9 MONTHS! We don't even know how far along she is technically... I believe its around 4 weeks... I know that people think I am completely insane... completely and totally but I love TV. I think I PVR around 50 hours a week... it is my escape from reality. I love it! There are some absolutely AMAZING television shows on the tube these days. It is so hilarious that 1/4 of the shows are comedies... the rest are mostly medical shows. Monday nights are my LAUGH FEST! I laugh out loud so frequently! I highly recommend it to everyone!
I think I have gone through the gammit of emotions through this post! Sorry for that...Hopefully that means my 7 month "dry spell" is ending soon! Emotions are a sign of PMS right?? At least for some women!??
Lastly I want to send a special thought and prayer out to K and Niki I am really thinking of you tonight.. I hope that this is all over with soon and you can move on to the next phase. virtual hugs to you!! Have a margarita for me! (or 10)
OOOO and yes we saw Watchmen! LOTS OF "Little Blue" lots of big blue! HA HA! I loved the movie with or without male frontal nudity... cause really nothing to write home about! LOL!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Scentsy Giveaway
Lynn from Scentsy Wickless Candles recently hosted a giveaway on STL Mommy for a Scentsy warmer and set of Scentsy bars. We are happy to announce that the lucky winner is Selina!
Lynn had so much fun hosting her first giveaway on STL Mommy that she wanted to host another giveaway for all of you!
If you haven't seen Scentsy Candles before they are wickless candles that are safe for you family. The do not release any lead, soot, or wax released into the air that you breath. The wax also is a low melt, similar to a paraffin bath, which doesn't get hot enough to burn anyone.
Scentsy offers many products: Scentsy Bars, Warmers, Plug-In Warmers, Scentsy Bricks, Room Sprays, Car Candles, and Discounted Multi-Packs. If you want to host a Scentsy Party or become a Scentsy Consultant contact Lynn for more information.
Lynn is offering 1 STL Mommy Reader a Scentsy Plug in Warmer and Scentsy bar of their choice!Want to Win? Here's How:*Go to Scentsy then come back and leave a comment telling me your favorite Scentsy Plug-In. You can easily leave a comment by clicking on comments on the bottom right corner of this post!*You can gain a second entry by Subscribing to STL Mommy.*You can gain a third entry by adding my button to your blog or Myspace account. You can also add me to your Facebook or Twitter account and it does count if you added me in the past.*You can gain a fourth by posting this giveaway on your blog, myspace, twitter, or facebook account. Please leave me the link.*You can gain a fifth entry by e-mailing this giveaway to 5 of your friends. Just remember to send me a copy of the e-mail!The giveaway will end April 5th at 5pm.
I will pick the winner through random generator. Please leave your e-mail in this format so I can contact you if you are the winner!stlmommy (at) gmail (dot) com* Please check out my other giveaways!
Don't Miss a Thing! Subscribe NOW!
Lynn from Scentsy Wickless Candles recently hosted a giveaway on STL Mommy for a Scentsy warmer and set of Scentsy bars. We are happy to announce that the lucky winner is Selina!
Lynn had so much fun hosting her first giveaway on STL Mommy that she wanted to host another giveaway for all of you!
If you haven't seen Scentsy Candles before they are wickless candles that are safe for you family. The do not release any lead, soot, or wax released into the air that you breath. The wax also is a low melt, similar to a paraffin bath, which doesn't get hot enough to burn anyone.
Scentsy offers many products: Scentsy Bars, Warmers, Plug-In Warmers, Scentsy Bricks, Room Sprays, Car Candles, and Discounted Multi-Packs. If you want to host a Scentsy Party or become a Scentsy Consultant contact Lynn for more information.
Lynn is offering 1 STL Mommy Reader a Scentsy Plug in Warmer and Scentsy bar of their choice!Want to Win? Here's How:*Go to Scentsy then come back and leave a comment telling me your favorite Scentsy Plug-In. You can easily leave a comment by clicking on comments on the bottom right corner of this post!*You can gain a second entry by Subscribing to STL Mommy.*You can gain a third entry by adding my button to your blog or Myspace account. You can also add me to your Facebook or Twitter account and it does count if you added me in the past.*You can gain a fourth by posting this giveaway on your blog, myspace, twitter, or facebook account. Please leave me the link.*You can gain a fifth entry by e-mailing this giveaway to 5 of your friends. Just remember to send me a copy of the e-mail!The giveaway will end April 5th at 5pm.
I will pick the winner through random generator. Please leave your e-mail in this format so I can contact you if you are the winner!stlmommy (at) gmail (dot) com* Please check out my other giveaways!
Don't Miss a Thing! Subscribe NOW!
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
the "Ethical Treatment of Human Embryos Act," LOAD OF CRAP!
OK WHERE ARE ALL THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW THIS IS WRONG!??
This is a clear case of people who are allowing their religious opinions to push through their own agenda! Each person is an individual case!!!! Please don't allow this to go though its a slippery slope people should not be governing this and how dare they even try!? I understand people's opinions of the "octomom" are what they are and they have raw nerves about this WHOLE situation but lets let cooler heads prevail! Below is the article from CNN.
PLEASE Send a message to the senators found below (bottom right side is the form)
Georgia Senate Bill 169
https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=219
Georgia 'Octomom bill' would limit embryo implants
Story Highlights
Georgia state senator says bill was inspired by "Octomom" Nadya Suleman
Bill would limit women under 40 to two embryos, women 40 or older to three
Critics call it a backdoor effort to outlaw abortions in the state
Bill faces long odds of passing because of timing in Georgia legislature
ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) -- The tabloid-friendly tale of the California "Octomom" continues to stir debate -- this time 2,000 miles away in the Georgia state capitol, where lawmakers say they're trying to prevent a repeat.
Proposed legislation regulating in-vitro practices came after Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets.
A Georgia state senator introduced legislation to limit the number of embryos that can be implanted in a woman's uterus during in-vitro fertilization procedures.
Sen. Ralph Hudgens, a Republican from near Athens, Georgia, said his legislation was inspired by Nadya Suleman, the woman who said she gave birth to octuplets after being fertilized with six embryos -- an unusually high number.
"She is not married," said Hudgens. "She is unemployed, she is on government assistance and now she is going to put those 14 children on the back of the taxpayers in the state of California."
Suleman, 33, had six children before the procedure.
Hudgens' plan, which was co-sponsored by several other senators, would limit the number of embryos a doctor could implant to two for women under 40 years old and three for women 40 or older.
Those numbers are slightly less than what's considered the norm in medical circles.
Don't Miss
Six embryos?! How to avoid a fertility fiasco
Extreme multiple births carry tremendous risks
Commentary: Are eight babies more than enough?
The American Society for Reproductive Medicine recommends no more than two embryos for women under 35 years old and no more than five for women over 40. The reason for allowing more embryos in women over 40 is that it is more difficult for them to get pregnant.
State lawmakers in Missouri are considering a similar bill. And England and Italy have had similar limits on the books for years.
At least some fertility doctors say the limits in Hudgens' bill would hurt chances for women to get pregnant. They say that while three embryos are usually enough, there are special cases when they need more.
"What this bill will effectively do is shut us down," said Dr. Daniel Shapiro, a fertility doctor in Atlanta. "Patients seeking reproductive care in Georgia will go to Tennessee or South Carolina or Alabama. They will just leave."
Breaking the law would carry a fine of up to $1,000 under the legislation.
Some critics of the plan also see another problem, calling it a backdoor effort to outlaw abortions in the state.
The bill, which Hudgens titled the "Ethical Treatment of Human Embryos Act," contains language that says "a living in vitro human embryo is a biological human being who is not the property of any person or entity."
The anti-abortion group Georgia Right to Life issued a news release in support of the bill on the day it was introduced.
"Georgia Right to Life supports Sen. Hudgens in this legislation and wants to see strong protections in place to stop the dangerous practice of implanting more embryos than is medically recommended," the group said, saying the plan would help avoid premature births and low birth weight in in-vitro fertilization cases.
Realistically, the bill faces long odds of passing -- at least in the near future. Tuesday was Day 25 of the Georgia legislature's 40-day session. Legislators will meet 10 more days, then take a break until June, when lawmakers will consider how money flowing to the state from the federal economic-stimulus plan may help their ongoing budget woes.
According the the Georgia legislature's Web site on Tuesday, Hudgens' bill had been read and assigned to a committee, but no other action had taken place.
Some Georgians from the lawmaker's part of the state say they hope he has to keep waiting for a long time.
"Unless the senator is a physician, ethicist or other informed professional, he should step aside and let the medical professionals determine what is best in individual cases," Dorothy West wrote in a letter to the editor of the Athens Banner-Herald, Hudgens' hometown paper. "There are other issues more important to the citizens of Georgia that should be addressed."
This is a clear case of people who are allowing their religious opinions to push through their own agenda! Each person is an individual case!!!! Please don't allow this to go though its a slippery slope people should not be governing this and how dare they even try!? I understand people's opinions of the "octomom" are what they are and they have raw nerves about this WHOLE situation but lets let cooler heads prevail! Below is the article from CNN.
PLEASE Send a message to the senators found below (bottom right side is the form)
Georgia Senate Bill 169
https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=219
Georgia 'Octomom bill' would limit embryo implants
Story Highlights
Georgia state senator says bill was inspired by "Octomom" Nadya Suleman
Bill would limit women under 40 to two embryos, women 40 or older to three
Critics call it a backdoor effort to outlaw abortions in the state
Bill faces long odds of passing because of timing in Georgia legislature
ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) -- The tabloid-friendly tale of the California "Octomom" continues to stir debate -- this time 2,000 miles away in the Georgia state capitol, where lawmakers say they're trying to prevent a repeat.
Proposed legislation regulating in-vitro practices came after Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets.
A Georgia state senator introduced legislation to limit the number of embryos that can be implanted in a woman's uterus during in-vitro fertilization procedures.
Sen. Ralph Hudgens, a Republican from near Athens, Georgia, said his legislation was inspired by Nadya Suleman, the woman who said she gave birth to octuplets after being fertilized with six embryos -- an unusually high number.
"She is not married," said Hudgens. "She is unemployed, she is on government assistance and now she is going to put those 14 children on the back of the taxpayers in the state of California."
Suleman, 33, had six children before the procedure.
Hudgens' plan, which was co-sponsored by several other senators, would limit the number of embryos a doctor could implant to two for women under 40 years old and three for women 40 or older.
Those numbers are slightly less than what's considered the norm in medical circles.
Don't Miss
Six embryos?! How to avoid a fertility fiasco
Extreme multiple births carry tremendous risks
Commentary: Are eight babies more than enough?
The American Society for Reproductive Medicine recommends no more than two embryos for women under 35 years old and no more than five for women over 40. The reason for allowing more embryos in women over 40 is that it is more difficult for them to get pregnant.
State lawmakers in Missouri are considering a similar bill. And England and Italy have had similar limits on the books for years.
At least some fertility doctors say the limits in Hudgens' bill would hurt chances for women to get pregnant. They say that while three embryos are usually enough, there are special cases when they need more.
"What this bill will effectively do is shut us down," said Dr. Daniel Shapiro, a fertility doctor in Atlanta. "Patients seeking reproductive care in Georgia will go to Tennessee or South Carolina or Alabama. They will just leave."
Breaking the law would carry a fine of up to $1,000 under the legislation.
Some critics of the plan also see another problem, calling it a backdoor effort to outlaw abortions in the state.
The bill, which Hudgens titled the "Ethical Treatment of Human Embryos Act," contains language that says "a living in vitro human embryo is a biological human being who is not the property of any person or entity."
The anti-abortion group Georgia Right to Life issued a news release in support of the bill on the day it was introduced.
"Georgia Right to Life supports Sen. Hudgens in this legislation and wants to see strong protections in place to stop the dangerous practice of implanting more embryos than is medically recommended," the group said, saying the plan would help avoid premature births and low birth weight in in-vitro fertilization cases.
Realistically, the bill faces long odds of passing -- at least in the near future. Tuesday was Day 25 of the Georgia legislature's 40-day session. Legislators will meet 10 more days, then take a break until June, when lawmakers will consider how money flowing to the state from the federal economic-stimulus plan may help their ongoing budget woes.
According the the Georgia legislature's Web site on Tuesday, Hudgens' bill had been read and assigned to a committee, but no other action had taken place.
Some Georgians from the lawmaker's part of the state say they hope he has to keep waiting for a long time.
"Unless the senator is a physician, ethicist or other informed professional, he should step aside and let the medical professionals determine what is best in individual cases," Dorothy West wrote in a letter to the editor of the Athens Banner-Herald, Hudgens' hometown paper. "There are other issues more important to the citizens of Georgia that should be addressed."
Monday, March 02, 2009
Weapons of Mass Seduction
I am a pig. I admit it. I cannot wait till Watchmen is out on Friday and I get to see Dr Manhatten (the blue guy) his naughty bits dangling in the breeze!!! WHAT AN AMAZING day Friday will be. A great movie and a show! HA HA! We have been really looking forward to the movie for it seems like YEARS! I hope I am not dissapointed but hey frontal nudity is a great way to make the time pass... LOL! Yes I know he is creepy and BLUE!!!! Its a stupid post but a funny post! A little laugh for Monday! ;)
http://6minutestomidnight.com/
http://6minutestomidnight.com/
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Hysteroscopic Embryo Implantation
IMPLANTATION!? I know what you are thinking... TRANSFER!!! Listen to this man describe it.. he is implanting it!!!??
Had to share! No wonder she got pregnant!!! Very intresting 70% higher!? WHere do I sign up!?????????
I had to share this video..... yes he is apparently the reproduction endocrinologist for Nadya Sulemann but very interesting... could this be the future of IVF???
http://www.obgyn.net/conference-coverage/conference-coverage.asp?page=ASRM2002/ASRM2002_kamrava&newsletter=090225
Had to share! No wonder she got pregnant!!! Very intresting 70% higher!? WHere do I sign up!?????????
I had to share this video..... yes he is apparently the reproduction endocrinologist for Nadya Sulemann but very interesting... could this be the future of IVF???
http://www.obgyn.net/conference-coverage/conference-coverage.asp?page=ASRM2002/ASRM2002_kamrava&newsletter=090225
Monday, February 23, 2009
I am a walking talking disaster!
Yesterday I woke up and stumbled about and slammed not bumped... SLAMMED, RAMMED SMASHED my foot into the wooden bedframe..... I let out such a loud yell I am surprised the neighbours didn't call the police! It hurt like hell and the pain shot right up my leg and into my head (swear to God!) I started limping around shortly after that so I knew it was sore and badly hurt... got dressed and got in the car to go to my mother in law's house for her birthday.... and we were just about to drive off and my hubby says O the cell phone is on the counter can you go back in and grab it? Sure I said... I got to the door and thought holy shit I have to take my boots off... It took forever to get my boot on my foot and it was shear pain just getting it in there... now I have to take it off again. A HA! I will just take off the one boot that is fine and hop over with the other boot on (there is snow on the ground where we live so my boots are wet) So I hop over and grab my phone and I am just about to step down on to the garage floor when I lose my footing and slam my GOOD foot into the floor... the concrete floor... So I scream another scream... HOLY SHIT in just a few short hours I have now smashed 2 toes!!! I go to my mother in laws place and spend the day doing things but all the while my toes are just throbbing. When we finally get home I show my hubby my feet. The pinky toe on the right foot is just completely black and purple on top sides and underneath... I am sure its broken. The toe beside the big toe is also purple but only on the top half and the bottom half is black.. .perhaps also broken... Today my feet were still sore and I was feeling ok so I went outside and walked a bit... good news is that I can wear another pair of boots I own without excrutiating pain. (hooray) I come home and decide to do a load of laundry I am limping up the steps to the second floor and talking to myself... still feeling like a total moron about smashing 2 toes in one day and what do I do?? I ram my pinky toe (that was already broken perhaps) into the tide box on the floor... new tide box.. hard tide box... I scream so loud the cat runs away from me and hides. WOW WHAT A STUPID PERSON I HAVE BECOME! THEN not 3 hours later AGAIN I am doing laundry and I am bending down under the cupboards in the laundry room and get up fast and crack my head on the bottom of the cupboard... I scream so loud and start having a freaking fit at my stupidity! Good thing I have a hard head!!! HA HA! My GOD WHAT A FREAKING COUPLE OF DAYS!!!!! My feet are killing me my head is killing me and the medicine that soothes my pain is alcohol.. I would love to tell you I was drunk when all this occurred but sorry I WAS STONE COLD SOBER! S O B E R ! ! ! What a life!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Faker!
I have a confession to make. I am a fake. Almost 3 years ago I died and the person you now see before you emerged. She spends all day pretending things are fine and her life is perfect and she is happy. In actual reality I am faking it. I want a baby that didn't change when I lost my girls. That doesn't change because my last ditch effort failed and I cannot have children. These wants and needs and desires and pain just don't dissapear. I moved forward with my life, left my past in the past and I tried I mean really tried to move on. I don't want to forget what happened it is a part of me... some days I think its all of me. I still think of them all the time, I still miss them all the time and I still need them ALL THE TIME! I am supposed to make an appointment with my nephrologist to be put on some new drugs, drugs that may prolong my "quality of life" hopefully push back the possibility that I may be on dialysis in the future. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. Because going there means that its real that I cannot have a baby, I cannot be a mom and frankly I would rather die than ever accept that possibility. AF has been MIA for over 5 months now so its not like we can even accidentally get pregnant (no af no egg = no baby)
The life I now live is a life filled with my desperate attempts to be happy. I took on more work at the office to keep myself busy (you know idle hands....) It doesn't work... FYI.
I have a cat, he is about 14 years old and he is my little sweetheart. He is big, black and white fluffy and biggest suck you ever met.... Last night I came home to a very sick puddy tat... it scared me... he is very sick liquid poo fur missing.. I didn't want to think about losing him because he is my tether... he keeps me in mommy mode... he loves to be held and rocked and cuddled and caressed. He loves when I scoop him up in my arms and hold him like that baby I cannot have. If I lose him thats it. I promised my husband the next time he got sick that I would just let him die at home... and not take him to the vet. I do not want him to suffer but it is just soo expensive for tests and procedures. He is 14 he has lead a great life and he is very loved..... Today I sat there and I watched him today go from bad to worse... and then I decided to give him a great meal. He is on a special diet but I figured if its his last day on earth I would make it special.... the way I would have for my girls if I knew their time was going to be up. I opened an actual tin of Tuna and gave it to him. He was so happy to have real food. THen he just sat in my arms all day and cuddled with me. I cannot believe it but he is better.... at least he seems better. He is purring and cuddles into my arms happily all snug as a bug in a rug. Thank goodness today didn't end the way I thought it would. Thank God I know that when its his time I will have the strength to care for him the way he needs me to. Thank God he is OK... if only just for another day.
I found this story on another blog and I just loved it so much I had to post it and share. What a wonderful thought.
The Story of the Dragonfly
Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions.Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was dead, gone forever.Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top.When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed.Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life!
Author - Unknown
The life I now live is a life filled with my desperate attempts to be happy. I took on more work at the office to keep myself busy (you know idle hands....) It doesn't work... FYI.
I have a cat, he is about 14 years old and he is my little sweetheart. He is big, black and white fluffy and biggest suck you ever met.... Last night I came home to a very sick puddy tat... it scared me... he is very sick liquid poo fur missing.. I didn't want to think about losing him because he is my tether... he keeps me in mommy mode... he loves to be held and rocked and cuddled and caressed. He loves when I scoop him up in my arms and hold him like that baby I cannot have. If I lose him thats it. I promised my husband the next time he got sick that I would just let him die at home... and not take him to the vet. I do not want him to suffer but it is just soo expensive for tests and procedures. He is 14 he has lead a great life and he is very loved..... Today I sat there and I watched him today go from bad to worse... and then I decided to give him a great meal. He is on a special diet but I figured if its his last day on earth I would make it special.... the way I would have for my girls if I knew their time was going to be up. I opened an actual tin of Tuna and gave it to him. He was so happy to have real food. THen he just sat in my arms all day and cuddled with me. I cannot believe it but he is better.... at least he seems better. He is purring and cuddles into my arms happily all snug as a bug in a rug. Thank goodness today didn't end the way I thought it would. Thank God I know that when its his time I will have the strength to care for him the way he needs me to. Thank God he is OK... if only just for another day.
I found this story on another blog and I just loved it so much I had to post it and share. What a wonderful thought.
The Story of the Dragonfly
Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions.Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was dead, gone forever.Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top.When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed.Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life!
Author - Unknown
Monday, February 02, 2009
I stayed silent......................
I stayed silent as long as I could most of my friends won't even broach the subject with me... probably best considering that I have been through fertility treatments and IVF. This nonsense with this woman who had the EIGHT babies at one time... apparently through IVF... although I have no idea what Dr in his right mind would do that transfer EIGHT at once is beyond me. I will preface this with IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF she really doesn't have a husband/job/house or money and with SIX kids previously from IVF... there is no way that this was the right way to handle things. Any woman who has been through fertility treatments knows they debate putting back 2 or 3 certainly not EIGHT! That is IF you are lucky enough to make that many embryos or they are lucky enough to survive the thaw. Personally something is missing in this equation... How can she afford to pay for the treatments? Where did the sperm come from? Where is this I will put back 8 embryos inside you (expecially when you already have 6 form IVF--therefore proving it works for you) Why would you subject yourself to that knowing that there is a possibility of eight? You put back 2 you aways realize that there is a possibility of 2! Lets put aside the mother lets focus on the kids instead..... She has 6 kids under the age of 7. How do you care for these kids and go to school and pay for fertility treatments? Then on top of that you have 8 more kids to feed/clothe/school? These kids are not at fault. They are just babies that were brought into the world by selfishness... be it a doctor or the mother... Noone understands the internal want and need for children. YOU HAVE SIX! SIX! IVF already worked for you. Why spend money on treatments and or fertility drugs when you have SIX already. Hey if you want to have kids I get that. I really do.. I am in the category of people who want kids so badly but can't have any. So I hate hearing that people cannot have children and I don't begrudge people from having children but be responsible. Think of the children! People need to cool it and relax with the hatred. I think more investigation needs to be done before we go into the blame game. For now we get to be greatful and thankful 8 more healthy children were born... and pray they stay that way. Noone should have to suffer through the loss of a child.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Second Last Day of Vacation
Tomorrow is my last day of vacation.... I am sad to see it end but I sadly miss my friends at work. Isn't that pathetic? I have loved my time off with my husband... we have had alot fun and smiled and laughed more than usual.. It's been great. It sucks we go back to work and the daily grind comes back and so does the misery. I do not want this year to be the same old same old. I want to have more fun and smile and laugh and just do things I haven't done or we haven't done before. We made a snowman together that was so much fun and we come home tonight after a day of fun to discover someone has punched the face off it. I know its made of snow and its stupid but I was really upset... who does that!? Someone takes the time to create something on their property and people think its ok to go up and destroy it? I am sure I know which of the kids on the street did it and they better not let me catch them doing it again. GROW UP YOU PATHETIC LITTLE BRATS! OK so I am still a little perturbed about it. Whatever! I won't let that ruin my day. We went shopping together.. his parents bought us some clothes that didn't fit so we went to exchange it and it turned into me finding lots of really nice clothes for him. It was kinda fun finding all these shirts and pants that were really nice and also on sale. I LOVE SALES! So the secret is that I hate shopping!! I HATE IT! But today was so much fun I even tried on jeans that made me look dare I say it... hot... ! YES I bought them and the same pair in black as well as blue! Hee hee... Now I need to work on losing my bloated belly..... Then I won't be ashamed to wear sexy tops again! For now I just feel fat! I never thought I would see the day I would feel fat but I am and I do.
OK I had to edit the post to include this really cool little thing... My husband is petrified of spiders.... I apologize ahead of time for the photo below if you are afraid of them too... My mother laughs that he vaccuums them up because he is so scared of them or he calls me down to kill them. For Christmas he got a critter catcher. (see photo below) I had to use it tonight because he saw a little spider and I have to share with you that yes... it works!! Here are 2 pics of the catcher... and the last one shows the little guy I caught.. and yes after his photo session I did release him outside. Ironically probably froze to death cause its -10 outside currently... and there is lots of snow. O well I had to share. Again I am sorry if the pic of spidey bothers you. ( I made that particular pic smaller so it won't stick out) As a child I loved catching critters and playing with them so I am not bothered by any of the creepy crawlies. LOL!
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
You know you are out of shape when making a snowman causes you to be out of breath!
Like millions of people tonight I watched Patrick Swayze talk about his cancer. I am left with so many questions... How can you go through such intense chemotherapy and not lose your hair? Where does he get all that energy from? I wonder if there is more to this story than what is being told... something just seems off to me... and I am not just referring to his voice. I wonder what other things he is having done to survive for so long and still look so good. Please Patrick share your magic with the rest of the world. My heart just breaks for you and Lisa and your family.. I hope they find a cure for cancer and everyone lives long and happy cancer free lives!! When she asked if she had thought about life when without Patrick I couldn't help but think about what life would be like without my husband. How empty and alone it would be.... he really is my world and without him I cannot imagine a worse kind of hell. After we lost our girls I realized how important he was to me and how important I was to him. The things we have gon through together makes me realize how important it is that we are together and although we have our moments... and really who doesn't? Isn't that part of being passionate? We are soul mates.I cannot imagine life without him. We are still on vacation this week and woke up this morning to snow.. lots and lots of snow... so laugh if you must..... but he is outside shovelling and comes running in and says Shellie come outside and help me make a snowman its packing snow... I was like a stupid little kid.... OK comin... so we made a snowman. A BIG ONE! You know you are out of shape when building a snowman makes you out of breath. Too funny! Anyways here are some pictures.. Try not to laugh too hard!! ;)
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Hot Dogs With Ketchup & Sprinkles
I have the most amazing niece... She will be 4 next month and she is honest and truely the light of my life and reason for living. She makes me laugh in ways I never thought I would, she makes my heart ache and yet with just a little hug makes all my bad days bright again. She has a personality like no other. She is my little ham. I am so lucky that I have such a strong bond and relationship with her, we see her often and I am much closer to her than most aunts... Some times when I am with her I almost forget she isn't mine because she just has my heart. I would die for this little 3o pound princess. She discovered hot dogs recently and enjoys having sprinkles on it! I laugh when I heard that.. sprinkles on hot dogs? How original! Some days I gush about her so much at work people laugh at me... I have become that new mom who comes in with her brag book in hand spouting on and on about what their cute little bundle did... fart or smile or maybe a first word. Four years of gushin noone has ever told me to shut up, maybe its because people know how broken I am and this is one thing that makes me smile and laugh or maybe they just think I am crazy. Whatever it is I enjoy it. If only every person had a kid in their life like her... life would be a better place, people wouldn't be so miserable. All I wanted is one just one just like her. Not in the cards so she is all I get... I will take it!!
Monday, January 05, 2009
Odd day - Odd life!
What a totally odd day... I am supposed to be on vacation but I had to work today.... I guess I was a little anxious about workign today (even just from home) cause I was up till after 3am las t night. It started with sex and the city.. I never really watched that show when it was on... but there is a new station on the tv called cosmo that plays it constantly and I have become totally obsessed with it. I love that friggin show! Ironically I don't watch it for Carrie.. personally I find her totally annoying and not that attractive. I watch it for the other girls... Charlotte is my favorite! Last night's episode made me laugh so hard... and then poor Miranda had Brady and he was totally screaming.... and I guess it woke me up moer cause when it was over I was still awake. I watched one of my favorite movies The Painted Veil... it's an odd movie but I love it. I actually watched the entire movie it ended at 3am!! Then I couldn't sleep afterwards and just started thinking... thinking about how sad I am that this will be a year without fertility treatments or poking and proddings or visits with Mr. Wand. I actually will miss them.. How screwed up am I? I haven't had a period in months... so long ago I have lost count when my last one was. It was my period after my IVF... thats all I remember.... so that means my body has settled in for its regualr irregular PCOS ravaged nap. Should I be concerned? Nah Dr says this is my norm..... My NORM! NO PERIOD FOR MONTHS AT A TIME! Lucky me!
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Thanks for Nothing! A letter to Dr S
My letter to the old clinic. I wanted to start off the year right and let it go so I sent an email to the Clinic.
Dr S, I wanted to send you an email to explain to you things that you may not be aware of. First a little bit about myself. I was a patient at ISIS and at 5 months pregnant I lost my monoamniotic monochorionic twin girls. They were the best thing that has ever happened to me and I was truly devastated and it was too difficult to return to that clinic so my sister who was a patient at Nustar and was successful recommended I come to her clinic the name just changed.. NewLife.. I figured change would be good so I started coming. At first I loved it your team were amazing! The nurses were incredible and the ultrasound techs even remembered your name it didn't feel like coming there was a chore.. there wasn't a very long wait and I really enjoyed my time there. My sister and I would come to our appts together and we both loved it there. Then one day something changed... I still don't know what it was but your team changed. New faces and people that not only didn't know you but made you feel like you were bothering them. They were miserable to deal with and never knew what was going on, you could literally sit there and wait hours for an appt. My frustration grew and grew and I spoke to people in the waiting rooms and they were more frustrated than we were. Eventually I had enough of the waiting and the disapointments to me it was really obvious that whether you are aware of it or not your clinic just isn't the same. I came there in hopes of overcoming my infertilty challenges and finally have a baby but I don't want to go somewhere that makes me feel like I am not wanted. My health took a turn and my kidneys are causing some problems so my doctor told me I had one last chance to try IVF before I am put on medication which will not allow me to get pregnant. Since I was not only not successful at your clinic but felt that I wasn't a priority there I chose to leave and go back to the one place where I was successful. A place where the nurses remember to call you to give you your results, a place where they don't just expect you to know things instead they ask or tell you, a place where they don't make you feel like all they want is your money, a place where they make you feel like they care. Unfortunately my IVF there was unsuccessful but the embryologist asked me to meet with him to discuss what happened so I would know... yet another thing I wasn't offered at Newlife. When I told him that I had IVF done and Newlife he asked me to sign a form so that they could request my file so I could close this chapter of my life and compare the reports to see what was wrong... and more importantly so that I can know why after 10 years of trying to have a baby... MOST OF THOSE AT FERTILITY CLINICS... why I cannot have a baby. THat was several months ago... your office had the audacity to call me and demand money for them to send my doctor... not me but my doctor the file. I argued with them that I cannot understand why I should have to pay for a file and they never called me back. I am very dissapointed.... I have the right as a patient to have a second opinion... ironically you were mine. I cannot have children this is something that I have to accept but what I need to know is why. I need to close this chapter of my life so I can move on. I refuse to pay for a file that I don't even get to have access to, expecially when I feel that you have taken enough of my time and money. Both my sister and I have now left your clinic and I wanted to start this year out right by closing this chapter of my life and letting you know what is happening. Sometimes people don't know what is happening until someone tells them. I hope that sending this will enable you to see what is going on and allow your current and future patients a more enjoyable experience. Especially for the clinic that boasts "Here at NewLife, we are committed to innovation in reproductive care in a compassionate and friendly setting and most of all, we provide hope through individual care"
It is getting harder and harder to hate this man!!!!!! --HIS RESPONSE --
Hi Kelly,
Thanks for taking the time to write this email. I do appreciate feedback because it help us improve, something we strive to do all the time.
Your experience of things changing one day at NewLife is not a figment of your imagination. I looked at your chart. At the time this happened, we had 3 of our receptionists quit all at the same time for personal and family reasons at a time when the ultrasound service provider changed and our patient load also increased. We hired new people but the organization and timeliness were below standard to say the least. Unfortunately all the issues you experienced were as a direct result of these events in our office in Mississauga. Fortunately we have since, corrected all these and we now have a stable and more friendly staff and environment.
The fee of $35.00 my staff asked you to pay to send a copy of the embryology report to ISIS is a nominal fee to cover some of our costs that you probably do not know about. This includes the cost of storing your chart and searching for and retrieving it from storage. Going through the chart and extracting the information you need and faxing it to your Doctor. Usually I have to also look at the chart to give my staff the info you need. This service is not covered by OHIP. ISIS also has the same fee when one of their patients needs to send us chart information. All clinics including your family doctor has the same fee and some clinics charge a much higher fee. You can check these yourself on ISIS website under fees and also under McGill fertility centre under fees.
From the clinical point of view, I looked through your chart to try and help you understand why you have not been successful so far. You did 2 IUI cycles with us and on the third cycle you over stimulated and was given the option of IVF conversion, you had lots of eggs retrieved but the embryo development was not good. You had one embryo at 8 cells grade 2 transferred on day 4. You conceived but ended up with a miscarriage. After that you did not return because of your kidney problem. I am sorry to hear that you did an IVF cycle at ISIS but was not successful. Although I do not know the details of that cycle and whether there was an issue with embryo development also, I would still think that you can conceive with IVF. I do not think you have exhausted all your options as you have mentioned in your email. Even if it turns out to be that you have an oocyte problem, you can conceive with donor eggs which is highly successful. I am not certain however, that this is the case. Based on the info I have in your old chart, I would still be optimistic that you can have a child with your own eggs if we can get better embryos.
I am not up to date on the kidney problem which is important and it may be affected by pregnancy but usually does not have an impact on your ability to get pregnant. Even women with kidney transplants are able to conceive.
Our IVF pregnancy rate has improved drastically since you did your cycle with us, mainly because of new and improved technology in the lab. Also do not forget that this was a conversion and not a standard IVF protocol, where we have much better control on the stimulation. Usually you meet with the embryologist in a normal IVF cycle, in a conversion cycle everything is rushed and you do not get enough information.
I have asked my staff to fax the embryology info to ISIS without charge, but if you wish I can also review the IVF cycle you did at ISIS and tell you my opinion so that you can conceive not "to close the chapter".
All the best for the new year,
Dr S
Dr S, I wanted to send you an email to explain to you things that you may not be aware of. First a little bit about myself. I was a patient at ISIS and at 5 months pregnant I lost my monoamniotic monochorionic twin girls. They were the best thing that has ever happened to me and I was truly devastated and it was too difficult to return to that clinic so my sister who was a patient at Nustar and was successful recommended I come to her clinic the name just changed.. NewLife.. I figured change would be good so I started coming. At first I loved it your team were amazing! The nurses were incredible and the ultrasound techs even remembered your name it didn't feel like coming there was a chore.. there wasn't a very long wait and I really enjoyed my time there. My sister and I would come to our appts together and we both loved it there. Then one day something changed... I still don't know what it was but your team changed. New faces and people that not only didn't know you but made you feel like you were bothering them. They were miserable to deal with and never knew what was going on, you could literally sit there and wait hours for an appt. My frustration grew and grew and I spoke to people in the waiting rooms and they were more frustrated than we were. Eventually I had enough of the waiting and the disapointments to me it was really obvious that whether you are aware of it or not your clinic just isn't the same. I came there in hopes of overcoming my infertilty challenges and finally have a baby but I don't want to go somewhere that makes me feel like I am not wanted. My health took a turn and my kidneys are causing some problems so my doctor told me I had one last chance to try IVF before I am put on medication which will not allow me to get pregnant. Since I was not only not successful at your clinic but felt that I wasn't a priority there I chose to leave and go back to the one place where I was successful. A place where the nurses remember to call you to give you your results, a place where they don't just expect you to know things instead they ask or tell you, a place where they don't make you feel like all they want is your money, a place where they make you feel like they care. Unfortunately my IVF there was unsuccessful but the embryologist asked me to meet with him to discuss what happened so I would know... yet another thing I wasn't offered at Newlife. When I told him that I had IVF done and Newlife he asked me to sign a form so that they could request my file so I could close this chapter of my life and compare the reports to see what was wrong... and more importantly so that I can know why after 10 years of trying to have a baby... MOST OF THOSE AT FERTILITY CLINICS... why I cannot have a baby. THat was several months ago... your office had the audacity to call me and demand money for them to send my doctor... not me but my doctor the file. I argued with them that I cannot understand why I should have to pay for a file and they never called me back. I am very dissapointed.... I have the right as a patient to have a second opinion... ironically you were mine. I cannot have children this is something that I have to accept but what I need to know is why. I need to close this chapter of my life so I can move on. I refuse to pay for a file that I don't even get to have access to, expecially when I feel that you have taken enough of my time and money. Both my sister and I have now left your clinic and I wanted to start this year out right by closing this chapter of my life and letting you know what is happening. Sometimes people don't know what is happening until someone tells them. I hope that sending this will enable you to see what is going on and allow your current and future patients a more enjoyable experience. Especially for the clinic that boasts "Here at NewLife, we are committed to innovation in reproductive care in a compassionate and friendly setting and most of all, we provide hope through individual care"
It is getting harder and harder to hate this man!!!!!! --HIS RESPONSE --
Hi Kelly,
Thanks for taking the time to write this email. I do appreciate feedback because it help us improve, something we strive to do all the time.
Your experience of things changing one day at NewLife is not a figment of your imagination. I looked at your chart. At the time this happened, we had 3 of our receptionists quit all at the same time for personal and family reasons at a time when the ultrasound service provider changed and our patient load also increased. We hired new people but the organization and timeliness were below standard to say the least. Unfortunately all the issues you experienced were as a direct result of these events in our office in Mississauga. Fortunately we have since, corrected all these and we now have a stable and more friendly staff and environment.
The fee of $35.00 my staff asked you to pay to send a copy of the embryology report to ISIS is a nominal fee to cover some of our costs that you probably do not know about. This includes the cost of storing your chart and searching for and retrieving it from storage. Going through the chart and extracting the information you need and faxing it to your Doctor. Usually I have to also look at the chart to give my staff the info you need. This service is not covered by OHIP. ISIS also has the same fee when one of their patients needs to send us chart information. All clinics including your family doctor has the same fee and some clinics charge a much higher fee. You can check these yourself on ISIS website under fees and also under McGill fertility centre under fees.
From the clinical point of view, I looked through your chart to try and help you understand why you have not been successful so far. You did 2 IUI cycles with us and on the third cycle you over stimulated and was given the option of IVF conversion, you had lots of eggs retrieved but the embryo development was not good. You had one embryo at 8 cells grade 2 transferred on day 4. You conceived but ended up with a miscarriage. After that you did not return because of your kidney problem. I am sorry to hear that you did an IVF cycle at ISIS but was not successful. Although I do not know the details of that cycle and whether there was an issue with embryo development also, I would still think that you can conceive with IVF. I do not think you have exhausted all your options as you have mentioned in your email. Even if it turns out to be that you have an oocyte problem, you can conceive with donor eggs which is highly successful. I am not certain however, that this is the case. Based on the info I have in your old chart, I would still be optimistic that you can have a child with your own eggs if we can get better embryos.
I am not up to date on the kidney problem which is important and it may be affected by pregnancy but usually does not have an impact on your ability to get pregnant. Even women with kidney transplants are able to conceive.
Our IVF pregnancy rate has improved drastically since you did your cycle with us, mainly because of new and improved technology in the lab. Also do not forget that this was a conversion and not a standard IVF protocol, where we have much better control on the stimulation. Usually you meet with the embryologist in a normal IVF cycle, in a conversion cycle everything is rushed and you do not get enough information.
I have asked my staff to fax the embryology info to ISIS without charge, but if you wish I can also review the IVF cycle you did at ISIS and tell you my opinion so that you can conceive not "to close the chapter".
All the best for the new year,
Dr S
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Christmas
I know its been awhile.. a long while.. I really needed to take some time to deal with all that was going on and try to accept... key word TRY... that I cannot have any babies. The thought that I have to live this life childless takes my breath away since it is the only thing I ever wanted or needed out of this life. In the midst of all this personal drama we learned that my mother in law has breast cancer. This really shook both of us to the very core... we just didn't ever think we would have to deal with anything like this in our family. I have really done my best to be there for her every step of the way. She needed one person who wouldn't cry or look at her with that aww poor you face... (those of us who have lost babies know that face all to well!) So instead I just call her almost every day just to see how she is and see how things are, is there anything I can do to help you? She is a brave lady and I really have never seen her break down or have a why me moment... not that she hasn't in private but she is a trooper. Once she started the chemo her hair fell out so fast.. so we bought her a wig. Anything she needs or wants we will make sure we can provide. What I decided was that this year I would host Christmas have them over sleep over on Christmas eve and spend Christmas day with us... I would cook... yes me cook funny I realize... and she could just sit back and relax. Noone knew how she would be feeling at that point but I will tell you that it was a very exciting and fun filled Christmas. The dinner was fabulous and we all stayed in our PJs all day long and had a great family Christmas. I didn't get to see my own family on Christmas day but it was ok... this year was about his family. It was a great Christmas. I wish each and every one of you a Happy New Year and I hope you had a Merry Christmas.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Just because I am a white Canadian doesn't mean I am not proud!
I am so thrilled that President elect Barack Obama won. I feel like change is coming and we will all be witnesses to the biggest moment in history. I am proud to see that something is happening in my lifetime that I really didn't ever believe would.. even just months ago I thought it was possible but not probable. I believed that there would be people coming from all the cracks and counties to ensure that this wouldn't happen and yet to my shock and surprise I woke this morning to the greatest news of all. I wanteed to scream and shout and sing the praises. Martin Luther King had a dream and today that dream was realized. Congratulations America today you started something that can only bring positive change and even though I am just a white Canadian I am truly proud and excited.
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Always on our minds, Forever in our hearts (June 28, 2006)

