DAY ONE

Today is day one. Woohoo and yahoo! Tomorrow I have a doctor appt in the morning and acupuncture in the afternoon. I am really tired today.... my brain is just is on super high.... and I am just worn out. Hubby decided that for dinner we would go for ice cream I know you are laughing but try it sometime. It was just great... Onlyh at 9pm now I am hungry so I had pasta! That healthy! O AND YES I ATE my Hard boiled egg today...every day till ER Iknow... LOL! What made me laugh today.... how I work soo much better when under stress... laugh hmmm I made a joke today that made me laugh... I have been doing online scrap booking and went through all the pictures all dya yesterdya that I may use .. I laughed so hard at how goofy we are sometimes... and how much we have been through... funny to see how our bodies have changed since then too!! O well we are getting old.. that is supposed to happen right!?

Change.....

Well I am sure you all realize that my blog got a face uplift. I hope you like it...I figured it was time... I had been working on it for longer than I am willing to admit and with some help from a good friend who showed me how simple things can be instead of always looking for the hard way to do things... (thanks "baby") I thought it was time to put a face on here. We are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in September and its been almost as long that we have been TTC. I am so hoping this end of the journey will be happy one. On that note I am finally spotting... silent WOOHOO! That should make tomorrow DAY 1 which means I start stimming on Tuesday.
Laughter is great medicine. On that note thank you kat! I accidentally stated several nights ago that I had a night of uninterrupted sex when I OBVIOUSLY meant SLEEP! SLEEP!! NOT SEX! Rather large difference! LOL! HEE HEE!! I had a good laugh at that one.. I even shared it with my hubby who also laughed then thought.. .hmm maybe it was a subconcious thing telling you we need to pull an "all nighter" HA HA! NEVER HAPPEN!! I am too old and too tired!
Anywhoo I learned some new things while watching tv today I thought I would share. Did you know that cranberry's were in pemmecin? Did you also know that cranberries are in COSMOS? So from now on while trying to avoid UTI's have a cosmo several times a week! LOL! If (espoecially women) drank a glass of cranberry juice a day they would be able to ward off the bacteria that builds up in the urinary tract.. Now for the really interesting thing. Cranberry cocktail has little to NO REAL CRANBERRY JUICE! So if you were thinking that drinking cranberru cocktail was doing anything.. you are wrong. Isn't that good to know. I am so limited to what I can and can't drink as it is I always thought that dam juice was not only going to be good for me but tasty as well. One last thought... please keep good thoughts for my friend.. (I mentioned her perviously) her 8 week ultrasound is Tuesday. Thank you. She needs all the positive thoughts and prayers she can get.

Hiccups

I have crazy hiccups tonight... driving me nutso! So this post will be short. OK first of all RIP Bernie Mac. I watch soo many hospital shows and how many times have I heard them say sarcoidosas? How sad he died from that. Life is too short! Truly! Saw Pineapple Express today and the movie has some really funny moments... but ultimately its not a "superbad" or "knocked up" I am so glad I am not a stoner.. but still I laugh at stoneresque movies. Weird I know. AF is still playing hide and seek. AND HIDING STILL! FRIGGIN HELL MAN I have the cramps and I am for once awaiting it. Ironically enough a month from now I will be praying it hides again!! I am so tired and still have hiccups and I am hoping for a full nights sleep tonght.. I have yet to sleep through the night yet.. still up every hour.. but at least getting sleep. I will take that! WHat made me laugh today.. hmm I acutally laughed alot at the movie but really what had alsmost in tears today is my niece. She is 3 1/2 years old and she does and says the funniest things. She stood there with her legs spread and said unkie come under so he wouold slide under her.. like when you are dancing then she would straddle walk over him and then she would go under his legs. It was really funny to watch. She loves to dance and sing and laugh. Anytime I spend with her she makes me laugh. She is one of the most precious gifts we have ever received in our family. I cannot image having a bad day and comng home to her cause she will always make you smile!

PETA - Hang your heads in shame!

OK so I will start this off with an offtopic conversation. I am totally disgusted that anyone can take such a horrific tragedy and decide to take the pain and suffering and try to turn it into a way to garnish support for your cause. For those of you in the US who are probably not aware of what happened this week in Manitoba there was a man on a greyhound bus who was for no apparent reason just because...he is a psycho decided to stab a man to death then behead him and hold his head up high, gut him cut off parts of him and then take bites out of him. He was sleeping... Did nothing to invoke such complete and total anger. Anyways. PETA decided this was a good oppportunity to try to publish the statement to the left here in the local paper. I am so glad that no paper would dare do this. However just the thought that someone could be so uncaring and callous to even create this kind of ad shows us what is wrong with this world. I will take this chance to tell you that I am not a vegan or vegetarian and I have nothing against those that are... but how can you support someone who does something so cruel. This poor family is grieving.. really the whole nation seems to be. Tim (the victim) was 22 years old and he could have been anyone's brother, son, husband. So I repeat hang your head in shame.

OK Nnow that I am done with that rant... on to better things. WHERE IN THE HELL IS MY PERIOD!?? I am so annoyed that it is still MIA! HURRY UP AND COME DAMMIT! I am done the pills and I usually get it during the pills so what the hell? On a more positive note I have this wonderful new treat. Thank you TIFFY!! It is this shiatsu chair... i love the massage... my back feels soo wonderful.. I am so happy. I hope I can still use it when I am stimming it will help me relax... I will be doing that PLUS the acupuncture so that should really help release the stress from IVF. I have attached a picture.. I LOVE IT!

Something that made me laugh. Well I watched the finale of Last Comic Standing and laughed my ass off at Marcus.... sorry he should have won. Sometimes I wonder what America is thinking when they vote... I have had a myriad of emotions today actually. I woke up and I was so glad I had almost a full night of uninterrupted sex... I was so happy!! Then I came downstairs and I just started crying... I cannot even tell you why I just did. Tonight I watched Hopkins and Deliver me... Hopkins had you believing the guy got a successful liver transplant only to find out at the end that a couple months later he had a blocked artery and died. So I start thinking of how short life is and how unpredictable it can be... so I am crying... I decide OK I will watch deliver me now. This is a show about 3 OBGYNs and stories of pregnancies... sometimes it just makes me feel good to see happy endings.. especially when you don't think they will end that way... BUT this episode was just so sad.. woman contracted CSV in her first trimester... didn't end well... went in at 31 weeks to talk to a perineonatologist and they do an ultrasound... baby is gone already... Brought me right back to that moment when we found out Grace and Anna were gone... I remember looking at the ultrasound and seeing no more flicker of the heart.. no more movement no more life... My heart just broke for that poor woman. A pain I know all to well. SO again I am bawling my eyes out. OK ENOUGH OF THAT NONSENSE! I decide to come on and read the blogs of all the wonderful ladies online... I draw such strength from you all. You are my hope and my inspiration! I wish you knew how much you touch me with your honesty and strength. I have been working on a new look for my blog... for a while now. I finally get it done and it looks great to me.... NOW I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET IT ON THE BLOG!!

If anyone knows how to get scrapblog onto your blog... please share!! I am losing my mind trying to navigate the HTML code.

4 Hours and last 2 pills

Four hours sleep last night. WOHOO! I love it... I survived the day and I am feeling a little tired now so maybe a ful night tonight!? I finished the last 2 pills today (silent woohoo) So hopefully the sleepless nights are over! THank you for sending over the sheep i counted up to over 1000 last night.. seems to have doen the trick!
OK so funny thing.. What made me laugh today? HMM I read a wonderful blog that brough such a huge smile to my face... this woman overcomes soo many challenges and keeps going and she is truly an inspiration. THank you for making me smile! :)

NEED SLEEP... MUST SLEEP!!

I started the provera and started to get cramps and moodiness within days. Then Monday night I couldn't sleep... I figured it was cause I was jsut coming back from vacation and I was nervous.. then again Tuesday night a couple hours of sleep and I am wide awake I have never ever experienced insomnia before... it is tryly horrible. I want to sleep! I NEED TO SLEEP! BUT I CANNOT! After tossing and turning a hundred times and waking up poor sleeping hubby I decided to come downstairs... so I come down at 2am and watch tv for hours and then i hear hubby screaming for me... I begrudgingly come back to bed and lay there with my eyes open for hours. That didn't help... I am so desperate for sleep... I have never gone 2 nights without sleep.. I know you are laughing at me thinking its good prep for when we finally have a baby... don't think that doesn't occur to me... however I need sleep and there is just no reason for not sleeping. Apparently this is a side effect of higher doses of provera. I am so so so glad that tomorrow is my last 2 pills! WOO HOO!!! Then my friend can come and we can get started. Please send me good sleep thoughts for tonight... If I can get 6 hours I would be so happy!! Is that asking for too much?

comments

I LOVE COMMENTS! I love reading them leaving them and it just totally makes my day to read that someone left me a comment.. makes me feel loved.... isn't that bizzare!?

Quick update is I have MAJOR CRAMPS and moodiness so the provera is working! Bring on the AF!!! I am ready!

two years worth of blogs in 6 hours!

I found this incredible blog today and I basically spent a full day reading this woman's journey.... SHe is INCREDIBLE! I am not only astounded at her strength and determination but I am shocked at how no matter what life throws at her she is confidant and positive and praises God for everything. She was truly blessed with beautiful children and I only wish that all of us are so fortunate! I started my provera today so I guess I am almost officially started onto this roller coaster. I have the cramps so I know it will work soon... I am excited and nervous all at once. THis will be a great month!! I want to be like the little engine that could... I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN! On another note my sister left my niece with us on Friday since we were on vacation and I just cannot tell you how much love I have for that child. I swear to you I cannot imagine loving anyone more than I love her. We had so much fun when she first arrived she wanted to play a game so we played then we went upstairs and woke up uncle Roy. She gave him a kiss and he woke up with this smile... then she decided to jump up and down on the bed and tickle him... I really hope that one day we can wake "daddy" up like that... What I meant to say is I look forward to the day we do that. :) Once we were all awake she decided she wanted to dance to her new favorite song. "Bleed it out" by Linkin Park.
She dances soo funny... just jumps around... I showed her how to throw your fist int he ari while dancing and videotaped it... it was very funny. I can't share it online but you just have to rust me its adorable! We then started to bake cookies... and cupcakes... very different looking cupcakes and hand cookies. Here are some pictures..


I let her do alot of the work. I let her help crack the egg and mix the ingredients both with the whisk and with the mixer. SHe also helped scoop the batter into the cones and decorate the cookies and frost the cupcakes. She really loved helping auntie. Soon after we finished with that it was time to go "nini" (sleep) I put her upstairs in her "princess bed" and read her some stories and made her promise me that she would sleep, I told her that if she sleeps that she would have a present waiting for her when she woke up. About an hour later I was in the kitchen and I could just sense that someone was watching me. I turn around and there is Carmie sitting on the stair with her woofy in her hands.. Auntie I slept where is my present? I laughed and said O no you don't. I took her back upstairs and gave her a stern talking to. She promised me she would sleep.... and then said AUntie I don't like this bed. So I put her to sleep in our bed instead. This little sweetheart sleeps with about 10 dolls... stuffed animals etc. I think the bed she was in was too small.. once I put her in our bed I checkd on her about 30 minutes later she was fast asleep snoring. WHEW! I was exhausted!! She slept for a good 2 hours! Woke up and I brought her downstairs and she asked for her present.. which I happily gave her. It was a new stuffed toy that unzips and has a blanket that come out. Then I took her downstairs to see daddy who had arrived earlier and was in the basement with my hubby. She came back upsiars aned wanted tot go outside and water the plants so I let her do that as well... right after her cupcake. Soon my sister came home I showed her the pics and videos I took and then we went back to her place to hang out. What a great day it was alot of fun!

Bad news is I am not pregnant, Good news is I am not pregnant

WELL..........................

I will start off by explaining my title. I had a BHCG done yesterday so that I could start the provera to get this show on the road.

Yesterday was an interesting day, it started off with hubby having to provide his sample and sticking it between the boobs to keep it warm while we drive it to the clinic to have it tested... which is really a moot point considering we are doing ICSI anyways. I kinda laugh because its funny that his little men are being warmed between the boobs.... close to the heart. THen I had to have an appt to sign all the documents and our first born over to them... and pay the 8k. It is totally insane to think thay we so willingly paid that kind of money for a chance not even a guarantee. I know its worth it... This is our last chance. The appt went well and then we had to come home to get ready for our exciting night at Coldplay concert. We got there and tried to trade our tickets since we weren't sitting togehter but that didn;t work out so we instead decided to just split up and see each other on intermission and meet at the end. The opening band was pretty good but Coldplay was friggin AMAZING! The music was so great and being on the floor during it was soo cool! They played their songs from different locations on the stage and then even came out into the crowd to play "the scientist". I couldn't believe it when I looked up and butterfly shaped confetti was raining down on me. I wanted to cry because Roy was up in the stands and was missing it... I caught as much confetti as I could I and almost started crying thinking poor Roy was missing it. What an incredible experience. I took lots of pictures so I am posting some on here... I will start provera soon and tehn start stimming next week.Then the fun begins. AND the best news is my very close friend who has been trying to have a baby for a while... and has suffered through many miscarriages is finally pregnant! I am thrilled to pieces for her!! Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

I found this video and I swear to you this person was beside me ont he floor... this was my view!

and the shocks keep comin!

Today I was scared out of my mind I had an appt with hubby to see the counsellor but I was freaked out cause I knew he wouldn't want to go.... so I chose not to tell him what the appt was about. Selfish yes but I know him and this was better... We went to the appt and I was so nervous I thought I actually was going to throw up. I told him on the way that this was an appt that was mandatory and I tried to get out of it.. which I did. But that it will be over quickly and we just have to talk to this person. Once we got in the room I looked at him and I could see in his face that look... that omg look... but it quickly turned to that its ok look. We sat in the chairs and we smiled at each other and we were very honest about how we felt. She taleked a little about the girls but soo much less than I expected. She was impressed with how prepared we were and how supportive of each other. She could really tell that we were a strong couple and you know I never really looked at it that way, but that is not the first time someone has said that to me. We have overcome alot in our marriage and I know that no matter what he will always be there for me. He promised that he would come in for both the the retrieval and transfer.. he was in neither last time. He also said that really he felt like my blog and online friends are my biggest supporters and tehy help me to deal with everything. OF COURSE that is true but I never realized HE KNEW THAT! LOL! Some days I just love him soo much. Tomorrow he has to go have his sample tested and then in the afternoon we sign the paperwork and pay the price... LOL pay for the procedure... I have some questions about the assisted hatching procedure and whether it is something I should be considering but aside from that I am ready to get in the cart and start this rollercoaster! Tomorrow night we have the Coldplay concert as well so that should be very exciting as well. I am sad we won't be sitting together but at the same time it's ok. Maybe we can trade in our tix for 2 seats next to each other. LOL! Any time spent with hubby is great time these days. Took me a long time to get to this point but I am really appreciating how much he is there for me and how much we have been through to get to this point. I am not naive I know that there is a chance that it won't work but even if that is the case my hope is that there are some frozen and we have that option open to us as well.... Fingers Crossed!!

Welcome to the world of infertility: Population --YOU!

That is how I feel ... some days I feel like I am the only one who suffers..... some days I feel like there is no end to it all. Hopefully in 2 weeks when I start the stimming those days will all be a memory. I cannot believe that all of this all that we have been though for the better part of 8years has all come down to this. All my hope and all my dreams depend on what... 30 needles and 20 ultrasounds and the same amount if not more of bloodwork. Strange isn't it? I worry what will happen if this fails, I worry what it means for our future.... a life without children was never a thought in my head but now it may become a reality. I am willing to do anything and everything to improve my chances. I need to believe and I need to have HOPE I need to have FAITH..... I need to have patience. I have been doing alot of thinking and alot of praying alot of begging. Saturday morning I was getting dressed and broke my necklace. I wonder is it a sign? A sign that I need to let go of the past to look forward to the future? That necklace has been around my neck for over 2 years since I lost my precious daughters. It is a little box and inside it 2 little pink tear drop beads... representing the tears I shed for my little girls... how much I love them and miss them. It broke my heart that morning.... it is on a strong MANS chain and all I could think of was that it was a message from Grace and Anna.... let go and move on. Get ready for the next phase. That is the second message I have received in the last week. THe first was a conversation with my mother about a visit to the psychic several years ago. I never went back because I felt that she betrayed me by not warning of what was to come. My mother had a dream or a thought about the fact that she said there were 2 babies with my grandmother...I always beleived that it meant they were waiting to be born... but her point was that maybe that was the warning... they were in heaven with my grandmother because they weren't meant to be... and she was taking care of them....in heaven. I believe things happen in threes.... well I woke up with this overwhelming sense that I need to take the cross of their urns and put it on. I haven't even thought about wearing that again BUT suddenly I am thinking maybe I can. If it is truly meant to be there will be another sign.... So I will wait and see.

The broken necklace

Every embryo is made up of 4 grandparents chromosomes pick your inlaws wisely....

Last night went to the IVF info session it was awesome got a tour of the lab and a tour of the recovery room over 2 hours of listening to the embryologist and nurse and doctor. Alot of the stuff I already knew but I actually learned some stuff too. We even got to see a live video of an ICSI procedure. I loved every second it was like the coolest course ever. I wish I was an embryologist... o if I could do it all over again I would study to be a doctor... an infertility specialist, perhaps even an embryologist. He was a total sweetheart and I really found the whole experience fulfilling and heartwarming. Bizarre I know but it really was. I cannot believe hoe prepared I feel this time. I know exactly what to expect and I am almost looking forward to it. I was sitting here thinking the other day.... just how different life is now or how different life would be if everything hadn't gotten so screwed up. I realized that my girls would be running around the house and causing trouble and doing all those things 2 year olds do. I can just see them with their blond hair in pig tails chasing each other around the house. Life is the opposite of what I thought it would be. I never imagined that in order to have a child I would spend most of my marriage going through such horrible unimaginable things and becoming obsessed with basal temparatures and cervical mucus and twinges of pain. What an odd way to have a child... the process of sticking a needle through a vaginal wall to poke many holes into the ovaries to suck out the follicular fluid -- i learned that last night... its the fluid not the eggs... silly me thought it was an egg they suk out but they dont know if there is an egg on the ultrasounds they can only see the fluid surroudning what they hope is an egg... we truly don't know if an egg is there until they get into the lab and separate them all out. Did I mention I thought itwas cool to learn that stuff? I am such a geek! Anyways not really how I pictured having a baby but if it works it is totally worth it. There are soo many women out there who have been blessed by this intervention of science. I hope to be one of those women! I am going to be the most loving mother who will dedicate her entire life to her child. I really believe that DH will be an amazing father too! He makes me laugh soo friggin hard some times... just the other day we were laughing our faces off I actually had tears running down my face from laughing at his half stache. Sorry inside joke.. and then there was the yoga pose. OMG HA HA! Anyways a couple more weeks of this and then the fun begins.

Tired....sooooo tired.....

What an intersting an exhausting week. I seriously need a drink! I gave up alcohol for obovious reasons but I really really could use one today! I feel like I was running a marathon all day. Its kinda funny but our relationship has taken a totally new twist. It is like we are back to where we were when we were dating. Its kinda nice but at the same time its also exhausting.... so relly sleep is my only down time right now. SHe says as she yawns!! I think I may just have a nice warm bath and try not to fall asleep in it! LOL! Its the finale tonight of Celebrity Circus and I am pretty sure Antonio will win but MAYBE Stacey will. IN MY OPINION I feel like Stacey should win but really who cares! LOL! I am watching the baby borrowers and even watching all the little psychos still makes me want to have them. I think that is a sign I am ready right!? Now the question is IS MY BODY!?

My name is "Shell" and I am a researchaholic....

My name is Shellie and I am a researchaholic... I am totally and completely obsessed with researching... it never ceases to amaze me how you can look up a subject and find 10 million pages on it. When it comes to the world of infertility there is no end to the amount of things you can find out. What is the right diet? What shouldn't you eat? What are the fertility boosting foods? When it comes to IVF even though i have been through it once it was rushed and it wasn't the best process and experience... I am reading every article about it. ICSI has soo many bad things associated with it a shocking amount of bad information actually I was thrilled to read today that there is finally some good information out there. They have been doing alot of studies and that is a great thing I am all for the studies. It proves to me that the ends of the earth that I am willing to go to are not all in vain and I really don't want to do anything that is bad to either myself or the potential children. I believe I am having this experience for a reason I have no idea what that reason is but it keeps me sane to believe that. There are a few things I want to talk about beside my new addiction of research. I went to Edgefest on teh weekend and it was so awesome and I had alot of fun but I really think I am just too old for this stuff. The standing in the rain with no umbrella (not allowed) and the mud and the standing for hours upon hours lineups to go pee are like 4 hours and then its even more than that for the beer. Here are a few pictures below.

More on the IVF thing.... cause it is the single most important thing in my life these days. Thursday is the info session all about IVF. I think I am losing my mind because I am soo excited about this and yet it is going to be one of the hardest things that I have gone through. I am literally putting all my eggs into one basket! Hubby had the bloodwork he will bring in his sample when we are off that week and ALSO that week we have an appt with the counsellor ..... he is soo going to hate that!!! Also we will be paying the fees and signing the forms that week. There is so many things to do before that happens.

OK for those of you who read this blog I need your help. I have a very very good friend whose wife is expecting....they had their ultrasound and didn't give them a copy of the picture. They wanted the Dr to see it first then if everything is ok they would give them the pictures. THey are 12 weeks so now I am just relieved but cautiously optomistic. The ultrasound showed that there was blood beneath the baby... ok from the daddy's point of view from beneath the baby I am thinking its a hemmorhage of the placenta and they are concerned about it. Has anyone heard of this or seen this? Please pray for her and their baby. I am trying to do research to see what I can find out but I am really worried for them. Thank goodness they aren't and they are excited and telling everyone their wonderful news!! Me being the worry wart I am and knowing how things can change I am concerned.

The Terrible Tenaculum!!

There is a new instrument of torture in the fertility world. Beware of the tenaculum! This is used to grab the cervix and pull it open or get it to do things when your body is misbehaving and not cooperating with the doctor!

I went in for my Saline Sono today and again this terrible tenaculum had to be used. I arrived and whilst waiting ran into another girl I had seen previously for some reason we both remembered each other. Made me feel much better. I started to calm down. I went into the room changed into my paper sheet.... LOL ran into the room bare-assed... the ultrasound girl was gentle.. soo gentle it was unbelievable Mr Wand was gentle! She took some internal pictures and I smiled and made jokes when she went out to call Dr G to come in she came back and gave me my cell phone that my hubby had dropped off cause I forgot it in the car. Then when Dr G came in he said are you nervous? I laughed and said umm yes i see those instruments of torture over there ha ha! He began simply just inserting the speculuum.. something all women have had.. just like a pap. They jack you open. then he says ok I am going to insert the catheter then he says uhoh its not going in... I am going to try again so he pokes it again and pulls and pushes on the speculum.. (what I wouldnt give to clamp his penis and pull and push it!!!) and says ok now I am sorry I need to use the clamp. Now ladies.... IS THIS A CLAMP!? Clamp with pincers on it!? I braced myself for the pain. I thought omg ok deep breaths and think happy thoughts! He pinches it and pulls it all around and then says ok lets start again! So he clamps it again. What it feels like for me is a huge cramp that starts at the tip of the vajayjay and goes deeper into your back and uterus. I just thought happy thoughts and did deep breathing just like on the wiifit breathe in and breathe out through your nose. I held onto the cell phone with the picture of my niece and just stayed perfectly still he filled the balloon and then they inserted Mr Wand and took a bunch of pics and then just as quickly as it was started it was over. Removed the catheter and then felt all the liquid gush out I lay there a couple minutes then ran bare assed to the change room and I was done! Well next step is done so I can check that off my list! Now all hubby has to do is bring in his sample and have our counselling session and we are good to start! WOOHOO!!

Bad Blogger!

OK OK I know I am being very bad blogger. I need to post more often. I will I promise.

OK So THe second anniversary of giving birth to my precious girls went off like any other day. Yes I remembered them and every aching moment of it came rushing back to me like a bad dream but I survived it. They will always be in my heart and in my life forever. This was a nice day of just having fun with my sister and my family.

I am having some of the best times of my life now and I really never even thought I would survive after their birth. If I didn't know better I would think that Carmela came into my life to give me happiness the extreme kind of joys that make my days filled with less tears and more smiles. She is truly one of a kind. SHe may only be my niece but I swear to you that I love that little girl like she is my own. The time that I spend with her are some of the happiest most fulfilling times of my life. She makes me laugh to the point of crying she makes me laugh so hard that I literally fall down to the ground because my legs buckle from laughing so hard. She fulfills Roy and I so much more than I ever could have imagined. We have really grown in the last couple of years since we lost our girls. We have both learned that we can laugh again and live again... having fun doesn't mean we are forgetting what happened it means we are moving on. WE are ready to live again and love again.

Life is a really funny thing. Things happen that you least expect and when the worst happens that is when you see what you are truly made of. We never beleived for one second that our marriage was strong enough to handle something so horrific. The things we experienced and have lived through proves that we do have a good strong marriage and that when the times are tough we can pull ourselves out and survive.

I am very excited that next weekend I a m going to EDGEFEST really its one of the most exciting things I have done in years. It is going to be sooo much fun and I am really looking forward to spending the day with my sister and all her friends from work.

Tomorrow I am going to start back with my acupuncture and so that is truly exciting because that means I am on the brink of my first official IVF procedure.

To give you a taste of what I am in for... Here are some pictures.

ICSI

IVF STEPS

IVF MEETING

OK. So I had my appointment witgh the IVF coordinator and I am very excited. My protocol is not what I expected it to be. Not bad just different. It is very interesting that I can feel so excited again after so much has happened. I am really looking forward to the whole process. I love the place I am at they make me feel like they actually care. The treatment I get is like heaven. I walk in there with my head held high and a big smile on my face. I know its odd... and unless you go through it you really have no idea what it is like but for me after everything I have suffered through it just feels soo good to be happy again. To have something positive to look forward to and to be just at peace with all that happened. That doesn't mean I don't miss my girls cause I do. I really really do. And I have no interest in replacing them but this is it. This is our chance. The time is now. And HUBBY is actually excited and going along with everything too. I am stunned and shocked. Feels too good to be true!!

Gout from the heart?

The last week my foot has been aching, hoped it was the weather but the reality is 2 things.... My heart has been replaced by my foot and gout has decided to return again. I go on a diet eat hardly any beef... no alcohol.... just doesn't matter! This week is a very important week. It is a week that will run the gamat of emotions. Hard to believe but next Saturday has been 2 weeks since I gave birth to the most beautiful precious little girls ever. My daughters Anna and Grace. Even 2 years later not a day goes by that I don't think about them miss them or mourn them. I never thought I would be able to move on and to move past the pain but somehow I did. I found the strength that I never believed I had. The strength to live again, to look forward to something.. the future. Yes A future without my girls but still a future! Perhaps a future filled with love and laughing and maybe even a child. Wednesday is a very important day for me. I have my appointment with the IVF coordinator and that is exciting but also 2 years ago to that I already had the knowledge that Grace was gone... but that day was hte last day before our lives changed forever. On February 26th we discovered that Anna was gone as well. I try not to dwell but emotion is an fickle bitch. My heart hurts, my body aches. My mind races. I am so annoyed with this gout coming back so often.. I wonder if its something that comes from the mind and the heart and moves all the way down...... the pain is agony, the pain is horrifying the pill work great for a couple hours when it is at its worse... it makes me so sick I am worried I may puke the little food I am able to keep down. Very reminiscent of my labour with my girls.. the pain the puking sad but true. Once I start on this journey... my final journey I vow I will update this blog to keep record. I just finished watching The Da Vinci code for the first time and I have to say that I just loved it!! I even cried at the end... the thought that Mary Magdalene's sarcofagus is nestled under the stars that she bore a child named Sarah, incredible. I find myself lately being a little more willing to talk to God again. I chose not to watch this movie way back when due to Christian beliefs how ironic that while watching it that I turn back towards God. Life is a very odd and very interesting series of events. Some times they only come when you are ready to receive them. Like messages from beyond.

Like a visit to a theme park

You know that feeling of excitement mixed with terror… when you get in line for the first time to go on the new rollercoaster… you are in line and each step you take is both a step closer to getting on the rollercoaster but yet your heart is beating out of your chest because you are absoloutely terrified? That is how I would describe how I feel now… I am in the lineup waiting for my appointment on June 25th with the IVF coordinator. Excited and yet terrified. This is our one and only chance I am literally putting all my eggs into one basket. Each step I take closer to getting on the roller coaster…starting my IVF regiment. Once I discover what protocol I am going to be on I will know more…. Apparently the IVF coordinator will provide me with all that information. I can’t wait. Strange I know but this ride is our last and I just want to get it started!!! What a bizarre twist of fate that at the end of our journey we are doing the one thing I swore I would never do!

Does the Pain ever go away??

When I lost my daughters I could never imagine a worse pain. The emptiness, the anger, the longing for my babies, waking up each day belieiving it was all a nightmare and they were there fast asleep in their cribs in the nursery. I was finally able to move on, I was ready to try again and this time would be different this time we would be successful. I really believed that. N o matter what I thought there was no way that life could be that cruel to me. But I was wrong wasn't I? Life can be that cruel in fact this time in many ways it was just a tease. Can you imagine believing you are pregnant only to go in and find out that it is just an empty sac? That once again you find yourself on the wrrong side of the odds. Except this time I cannot seem to come back. I am just so sad all the time and i have lost my will to do anything. I don't have the will to live anymore... its just not there. I want to scream and I want to cry and break things and make myself feel better and yet I don't think that anything will make me feel better. Even my husband has lost faith.... lost faith in me and faith in the fact that we will ever have children. What a sad dissapointing life and marriage this has turned out to be. Now he barely talks to me and when he does its just to call me barren and tell me there is no point to life if we cannot have children of our own. Makes me feel even worse considering I feel the same way. We have discovered that the problem is my eggs. My eggs are of poor quality and this is why our last IVF didnt go as well as expected. So once again I am a failure and everything is all my fault. What a totally shitty life! I give up!!!