First and most importantly 130MIL --ICSI WHY AGAIN?

WOW what a day I don't even know where to start! Well ok I went into work and then I had to leave at 9 for my ultrasound... my first ultrasound of my IVF cycle.. exciting. So I got there very overfull bladder in tow and and people actually recognized me. 2 years later I am recognized... strange but kinda reassuring. So I have my ultrasound finally I can pee... note to self NEVER DRINK THAT MUCH AGAIN... I swear to you I spent the entire day peeing! Just as the bladder would empty it would fill again! I didn't want to be yelled at for an unfull bladder so now I go overboard! While I am in there it was please push on your left please push on your right side..lol Then she asked a bunch of questions about my period and my previous pregnancies... It was interesting. Then I waited for the nurse... i waited and waited and then a nurse called my name gave me my file and said they need to see you upstairs. I am not a hyperventilator but I went into totoal panic mode... OMG what is wrong?? I convinced myself something was wrong. There are no follicles and I have reached menopause or I am not really on my period (whoch is quite possible because it is soo light...but the cramps are a new version of torture!) I waited and waited I swear to you when the nurse came out and got me my I felt my heart actually stop beating... I had no colour in my face and I was sweating and shaking... We went into the room and I said oK what's wrong!? She was like O no since you are an IVF patient we are seeing you up here instead of you meeting downstairs with the regular nurses thats all. I was so relieved. After all I was worrying for nothing. First thing she did is check that the s/a came back and it was 130MILLION then she looks at me and says ummm why are you doing ICSI again? LOL! After explaining the whole thing again she was like ok well Doctor's orders so that takes presedence. I couldn't believe it that was it.. go buy your meds and tada!! Well I bought my meds got my pack and away I went... I went back to work and then had to leave again at 2:45 for my acupuncture appt.. that also went really well. HOORAY FOR ME! PINS AND NEEDLES AlL OVER AGAIN! ;) Hence the title of the blog...it works on 2 levels.. LOL!
I got home and had a voicemail telling me to start the meds tomorrow bloodwork looks fine. UMM I thought I was supposed to start tonight? O good grief! ALready a little confusion! That is ok though things only work well when there is a little stress for me. I need a little drama! ;)
O and my friend had her ultrasound today and she is 6w 5 days with one baby and one very large sac. HB was 150. Hooray keep up the good thoughts! I was so thrilled to get her e-mail today telling me the good news. SO I start my meds tomorrow 225iu of Gonal-f. THAT IS ALOT OF MEDICATION DAILY - return on Saturday morning! Probably start the cetrotide then as well. Going to keep up the acupuncture so that means back to that again on Thursday. I already had a chat with my 15 potential follicles on the left and 20 on teh right.. NOW is not the time to start misbehaving save that for after you are born.. Just grow and bury yourself into the cushiness!!

DAY ONE

Today is day one. Woohoo and yahoo! Tomorrow I have a doctor appt in the morning and acupuncture in the afternoon. I am really tired today.... my brain is just is on super high.... and I am just worn out. Hubby decided that for dinner we would go for ice cream I know you are laughing but try it sometime. It was just great... Onlyh at 9pm now I am hungry so I had pasta! That healthy! O AND YES I ATE my Hard boiled egg today...every day till ER Iknow... LOL! What made me laugh today.... how I work soo much better when under stress... laugh hmmm I made a joke today that made me laugh... I have been doing online scrap booking and went through all the pictures all dya yesterdya that I may use .. I laughed so hard at how goofy we are sometimes... and how much we have been through... funny to see how our bodies have changed since then too!! O well we are getting old.. that is supposed to happen right!?

Change.....

Well I am sure you all realize that my blog got a face uplift. I hope you like it...I figured it was time... I had been working on it for longer than I am willing to admit and with some help from a good friend who showed me how simple things can be instead of always looking for the hard way to do things... (thanks "baby") I thought it was time to put a face on here. We are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in September and its been almost as long that we have been TTC. I am so hoping this end of the journey will be happy one. On that note I am finally spotting... silent WOOHOO! That should make tomorrow DAY 1 which means I start stimming on Tuesday.
Laughter is great medicine. On that note thank you kat! I accidentally stated several nights ago that I had a night of uninterrupted sex when I OBVIOUSLY meant SLEEP! SLEEP!! NOT SEX! Rather large difference! LOL! HEE HEE!! I had a good laugh at that one.. I even shared it with my hubby who also laughed then thought.. .hmm maybe it was a subconcious thing telling you we need to pull an "all nighter" HA HA! NEVER HAPPEN!! I am too old and too tired!
Anywhoo I learned some new things while watching tv today I thought I would share. Did you know that cranberry's were in pemmecin? Did you also know that cranberries are in COSMOS? So from now on while trying to avoid UTI's have a cosmo several times a week! LOL! If (espoecially women) drank a glass of cranberry juice a day they would be able to ward off the bacteria that builds up in the urinary tract.. Now for the really interesting thing. Cranberry cocktail has little to NO REAL CRANBERRY JUICE! So if you were thinking that drinking cranberru cocktail was doing anything.. you are wrong. Isn't that good to know. I am so limited to what I can and can't drink as it is I always thought that dam juice was not only going to be good for me but tasty as well. One last thought... please keep good thoughts for my friend.. (I mentioned her perviously) her 8 week ultrasound is Tuesday. Thank you. She needs all the positive thoughts and prayers she can get.

Hiccups

I have crazy hiccups tonight... driving me nutso! So this post will be short. OK first of all RIP Bernie Mac. I watch soo many hospital shows and how many times have I heard them say sarcoidosas? How sad he died from that. Life is too short! Truly! Saw Pineapple Express today and the movie has some really funny moments... but ultimately its not a "superbad" or "knocked up" I am so glad I am not a stoner.. but still I laugh at stoneresque movies. Weird I know. AF is still playing hide and seek. AND HIDING STILL! FRIGGIN HELL MAN I have the cramps and I am for once awaiting it. Ironically enough a month from now I will be praying it hides again!! I am so tired and still have hiccups and I am hoping for a full nights sleep tonght.. I have yet to sleep through the night yet.. still up every hour.. but at least getting sleep. I will take that! WHat made me laugh today.. hmm I acutally laughed alot at the movie but really what had alsmost in tears today is my niece. She is 3 1/2 years old and she does and says the funniest things. She stood there with her legs spread and said unkie come under so he wouold slide under her.. like when you are dancing then she would straddle walk over him and then she would go under his legs. It was really funny to watch. She loves to dance and sing and laugh. Anytime I spend with her she makes me laugh. She is one of the most precious gifts we have ever received in our family. I cannot image having a bad day and comng home to her cause she will always make you smile!

PETA - Hang your heads in shame!

OK so I will start this off with an offtopic conversation. I am totally disgusted that anyone can take such a horrific tragedy and decide to take the pain and suffering and try to turn it into a way to garnish support for your cause. For those of you in the US who are probably not aware of what happened this week in Manitoba there was a man on a greyhound bus who was for no apparent reason just because...he is a psycho decided to stab a man to death then behead him and hold his head up high, gut him cut off parts of him and then take bites out of him. He was sleeping... Did nothing to invoke such complete and total anger. Anyways. PETA decided this was a good oppportunity to try to publish the statement to the left here in the local paper. I am so glad that no paper would dare do this. However just the thought that someone could be so uncaring and callous to even create this kind of ad shows us what is wrong with this world. I will take this chance to tell you that I am not a vegan or vegetarian and I have nothing against those that are... but how can you support someone who does something so cruel. This poor family is grieving.. really the whole nation seems to be. Tim (the victim) was 22 years old and he could have been anyone's brother, son, husband. So I repeat hang your head in shame.

OK Nnow that I am done with that rant... on to better things. WHERE IN THE HELL IS MY PERIOD!?? I am so annoyed that it is still MIA! HURRY UP AND COME DAMMIT! I am done the pills and I usually get it during the pills so what the hell? On a more positive note I have this wonderful new treat. Thank you TIFFY!! It is this shiatsu chair... i love the massage... my back feels soo wonderful.. I am so happy. I hope I can still use it when I am stimming it will help me relax... I will be doing that PLUS the acupuncture so that should really help release the stress from IVF. I have attached a picture.. I LOVE IT!

Something that made me laugh. Well I watched the finale of Last Comic Standing and laughed my ass off at Marcus.... sorry he should have won. Sometimes I wonder what America is thinking when they vote... I have had a myriad of emotions today actually. I woke up and I was so glad I had almost a full night of uninterrupted sex... I was so happy!! Then I came downstairs and I just started crying... I cannot even tell you why I just did. Tonight I watched Hopkins and Deliver me... Hopkins had you believing the guy got a successful liver transplant only to find out at the end that a couple months later he had a blocked artery and died. So I start thinking of how short life is and how unpredictable it can be... so I am crying... I decide OK I will watch deliver me now. This is a show about 3 OBGYNs and stories of pregnancies... sometimes it just makes me feel good to see happy endings.. especially when you don't think they will end that way... BUT this episode was just so sad.. woman contracted CSV in her first trimester... didn't end well... went in at 31 weeks to talk to a perineonatologist and they do an ultrasound... baby is gone already... Brought me right back to that moment when we found out Grace and Anna were gone... I remember looking at the ultrasound and seeing no more flicker of the heart.. no more movement no more life... My heart just broke for that poor woman. A pain I know all to well. SO again I am bawling my eyes out. OK ENOUGH OF THAT NONSENSE! I decide to come on and read the blogs of all the wonderful ladies online... I draw such strength from you all. You are my hope and my inspiration! I wish you knew how much you touch me with your honesty and strength. I have been working on a new look for my blog... for a while now. I finally get it done and it looks great to me.... NOW I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET IT ON THE BLOG!!

If anyone knows how to get scrapblog onto your blog... please share!! I am losing my mind trying to navigate the HTML code.

4 Hours and last 2 pills

Four hours sleep last night. WOHOO! I love it... I survived the day and I am feeling a little tired now so maybe a ful night tonight!? I finished the last 2 pills today (silent woohoo) So hopefully the sleepless nights are over! THank you for sending over the sheep i counted up to over 1000 last night.. seems to have doen the trick!
OK so funny thing.. What made me laugh today? HMM I read a wonderful blog that brough such a huge smile to my face... this woman overcomes soo many challenges and keeps going and she is truly an inspiration. THank you for making me smile! :)

NEED SLEEP... MUST SLEEP!!

I started the provera and started to get cramps and moodiness within days. Then Monday night I couldn't sleep... I figured it was cause I was jsut coming back from vacation and I was nervous.. then again Tuesday night a couple hours of sleep and I am wide awake I have never ever experienced insomnia before... it is tryly horrible. I want to sleep! I NEED TO SLEEP! BUT I CANNOT! After tossing and turning a hundred times and waking up poor sleeping hubby I decided to come downstairs... so I come down at 2am and watch tv for hours and then i hear hubby screaming for me... I begrudgingly come back to bed and lay there with my eyes open for hours. That didn't help... I am so desperate for sleep... I have never gone 2 nights without sleep.. I know you are laughing at me thinking its good prep for when we finally have a baby... don't think that doesn't occur to me... however I need sleep and there is just no reason for not sleeping. Apparently this is a side effect of higher doses of provera. I am so so so glad that tomorrow is my last 2 pills! WOO HOO!!! Then my friend can come and we can get started. Please send me good sleep thoughts for tonight... If I can get 6 hours I would be so happy!! Is that asking for too much?

comments

I LOVE COMMENTS! I love reading them leaving them and it just totally makes my day to read that someone left me a comment.. makes me feel loved.... isn't that bizzare!?

Quick update is I have MAJOR CRAMPS and moodiness so the provera is working! Bring on the AF!!! I am ready!

two years worth of blogs in 6 hours!

I found this incredible blog today and I basically spent a full day reading this woman's journey.... SHe is INCREDIBLE! I am not only astounded at her strength and determination but I am shocked at how no matter what life throws at her she is confidant and positive and praises God for everything. She was truly blessed with beautiful children and I only wish that all of us are so fortunate! I started my provera today so I guess I am almost officially started onto this roller coaster. I have the cramps so I know it will work soon... I am excited and nervous all at once. THis will be a great month!! I want to be like the little engine that could... I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN! On another note my sister left my niece with us on Friday since we were on vacation and I just cannot tell you how much love I have for that child. I swear to you I cannot imagine loving anyone more than I love her. We had so much fun when she first arrived she wanted to play a game so we played then we went upstairs and woke up uncle Roy. She gave him a kiss and he woke up with this smile... then she decided to jump up and down on the bed and tickle him... I really hope that one day we can wake "daddy" up like that... What I meant to say is I look forward to the day we do that. :) Once we were all awake she decided she wanted to dance to her new favorite song. "Bleed it out" by Linkin Park.
She dances soo funny... just jumps around... I showed her how to throw your fist int he ari while dancing and videotaped it... it was very funny. I can't share it online but you just have to rust me its adorable! We then started to bake cookies... and cupcakes... very different looking cupcakes and hand cookies. Here are some pictures..


I let her do alot of the work. I let her help crack the egg and mix the ingredients both with the whisk and with the mixer. SHe also helped scoop the batter into the cones and decorate the cookies and frost the cupcakes. She really loved helping auntie. Soon after we finished with that it was time to go "nini" (sleep) I put her upstairs in her "princess bed" and read her some stories and made her promise me that she would sleep, I told her that if she sleeps that she would have a present waiting for her when she woke up. About an hour later I was in the kitchen and I could just sense that someone was watching me. I turn around and there is Carmie sitting on the stair with her woofy in her hands.. Auntie I slept where is my present? I laughed and said O no you don't. I took her back upstairs and gave her a stern talking to. She promised me she would sleep.... and then said AUntie I don't like this bed. So I put her to sleep in our bed instead. This little sweetheart sleeps with about 10 dolls... stuffed animals etc. I think the bed she was in was too small.. once I put her in our bed I checkd on her about 30 minutes later she was fast asleep snoring. WHEW! I was exhausted!! She slept for a good 2 hours! Woke up and I brought her downstairs and she asked for her present.. which I happily gave her. It was a new stuffed toy that unzips and has a blanket that come out. Then I took her downstairs to see daddy who had arrived earlier and was in the basement with my hubby. She came back upsiars aned wanted tot go outside and water the plants so I let her do that as well... right after her cupcake. Soon my sister came home I showed her the pics and videos I took and then we went back to her place to hang out. What a great day it was alot of fun!

Bad news is I am not pregnant, Good news is I am not pregnant

WELL..........................

I will start off by explaining my title. I had a BHCG done yesterday so that I could start the provera to get this show on the road.

Yesterday was an interesting day, it started off with hubby having to provide his sample and sticking it between the boobs to keep it warm while we drive it to the clinic to have it tested... which is really a moot point considering we are doing ICSI anyways. I kinda laugh because its funny that his little men are being warmed between the boobs.... close to the heart. THen I had to have an appt to sign all the documents and our first born over to them... and pay the 8k. It is totally insane to think thay we so willingly paid that kind of money for a chance not even a guarantee. I know its worth it... This is our last chance. The appt went well and then we had to come home to get ready for our exciting night at Coldplay concert. We got there and tried to trade our tickets since we weren't sitting togehter but that didn;t work out so we instead decided to just split up and see each other on intermission and meet at the end. The opening band was pretty good but Coldplay was friggin AMAZING! The music was so great and being on the floor during it was soo cool! They played their songs from different locations on the stage and then even came out into the crowd to play "the scientist". I couldn't believe it when I looked up and butterfly shaped confetti was raining down on me. I wanted to cry because Roy was up in the stands and was missing it... I caught as much confetti as I could I and almost started crying thinking poor Roy was missing it. What an incredible experience. I took lots of pictures so I am posting some on here... I will start provera soon and tehn start stimming next week.Then the fun begins. AND the best news is my very close friend who has been trying to have a baby for a while... and has suffered through many miscarriages is finally pregnant! I am thrilled to pieces for her!! Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

I found this video and I swear to you this person was beside me ont he floor... this was my view!

and the shocks keep comin!

Today I was scared out of my mind I had an appt with hubby to see the counsellor but I was freaked out cause I knew he wouldn't want to go.... so I chose not to tell him what the appt was about. Selfish yes but I know him and this was better... We went to the appt and I was so nervous I thought I actually was going to throw up. I told him on the way that this was an appt that was mandatory and I tried to get out of it.. which I did. But that it will be over quickly and we just have to talk to this person. Once we got in the room I looked at him and I could see in his face that look... that omg look... but it quickly turned to that its ok look. We sat in the chairs and we smiled at each other and we were very honest about how we felt. She taleked a little about the girls but soo much less than I expected. She was impressed with how prepared we were and how supportive of each other. She could really tell that we were a strong couple and you know I never really looked at it that way, but that is not the first time someone has said that to me. We have overcome alot in our marriage and I know that no matter what he will always be there for me. He promised that he would come in for both the the retrieval and transfer.. he was in neither last time. He also said that really he felt like my blog and online friends are my biggest supporters and tehy help me to deal with everything. OF COURSE that is true but I never realized HE KNEW THAT! LOL! Some days I just love him soo much. Tomorrow he has to go have his sample tested and then in the afternoon we sign the paperwork and pay the price... LOL pay for the procedure... I have some questions about the assisted hatching procedure and whether it is something I should be considering but aside from that I am ready to get in the cart and start this rollercoaster! Tomorrow night we have the Coldplay concert as well so that should be very exciting as well. I am sad we won't be sitting together but at the same time it's ok. Maybe we can trade in our tix for 2 seats next to each other. LOL! Any time spent with hubby is great time these days. Took me a long time to get to this point but I am really appreciating how much he is there for me and how much we have been through to get to this point. I am not naive I know that there is a chance that it won't work but even if that is the case my hope is that there are some frozen and we have that option open to us as well.... Fingers Crossed!!

Welcome to the world of infertility: Population --YOU!

That is how I feel ... some days I feel like I am the only one who suffers..... some days I feel like there is no end to it all. Hopefully in 2 weeks when I start the stimming those days will all be a memory. I cannot believe that all of this all that we have been though for the better part of 8years has all come down to this. All my hope and all my dreams depend on what... 30 needles and 20 ultrasounds and the same amount if not more of bloodwork. Strange isn't it? I worry what will happen if this fails, I worry what it means for our future.... a life without children was never a thought in my head but now it may become a reality. I am willing to do anything and everything to improve my chances. I need to believe and I need to have HOPE I need to have FAITH..... I need to have patience. I have been doing alot of thinking and alot of praying alot of begging. Saturday morning I was getting dressed and broke my necklace. I wonder is it a sign? A sign that I need to let go of the past to look forward to the future? That necklace has been around my neck for over 2 years since I lost my precious daughters. It is a little box and inside it 2 little pink tear drop beads... representing the tears I shed for my little girls... how much I love them and miss them. It broke my heart that morning.... it is on a strong MANS chain and all I could think of was that it was a message from Grace and Anna.... let go and move on. Get ready for the next phase. That is the second message I have received in the last week. THe first was a conversation with my mother about a visit to the psychic several years ago. I never went back because I felt that she betrayed me by not warning of what was to come. My mother had a dream or a thought about the fact that she said there were 2 babies with my grandmother...I always beleived that it meant they were waiting to be born... but her point was that maybe that was the warning... they were in heaven with my grandmother because they weren't meant to be... and she was taking care of them....in heaven. I believe things happen in threes.... well I woke up with this overwhelming sense that I need to take the cross of their urns and put it on. I haven't even thought about wearing that again BUT suddenly I am thinking maybe I can. If it is truly meant to be there will be another sign.... So I will wait and see.

The broken necklace

Every embryo is made up of 4 grandparents chromosomes pick your inlaws wisely....

Last night went to the IVF info session it was awesome got a tour of the lab and a tour of the recovery room over 2 hours of listening to the embryologist and nurse and doctor. Alot of the stuff I already knew but I actually learned some stuff too. We even got to see a live video of an ICSI procedure. I loved every second it was like the coolest course ever. I wish I was an embryologist... o if I could do it all over again I would study to be a doctor... an infertility specialist, perhaps even an embryologist. He was a total sweetheart and I really found the whole experience fulfilling and heartwarming. Bizarre I know but it really was. I cannot believe hoe prepared I feel this time. I know exactly what to expect and I am almost looking forward to it. I was sitting here thinking the other day.... just how different life is now or how different life would be if everything hadn't gotten so screwed up. I realized that my girls would be running around the house and causing trouble and doing all those things 2 year olds do. I can just see them with their blond hair in pig tails chasing each other around the house. Life is the opposite of what I thought it would be. I never imagined that in order to have a child I would spend most of my marriage going through such horrible unimaginable things and becoming obsessed with basal temparatures and cervical mucus and twinges of pain. What an odd way to have a child... the process of sticking a needle through a vaginal wall to poke many holes into the ovaries to suck out the follicular fluid -- i learned that last night... its the fluid not the eggs... silly me thought it was an egg they suk out but they dont know if there is an egg on the ultrasounds they can only see the fluid surroudning what they hope is an egg... we truly don't know if an egg is there until they get into the lab and separate them all out. Did I mention I thought itwas cool to learn that stuff? I am such a geek! Anyways not really how I pictured having a baby but if it works it is totally worth it. There are soo many women out there who have been blessed by this intervention of science. I hope to be one of those women! I am going to be the most loving mother who will dedicate her entire life to her child. I really believe that DH will be an amazing father too! He makes me laugh soo friggin hard some times... just the other day we were laughing our faces off I actually had tears running down my face from laughing at his half stache. Sorry inside joke.. and then there was the yoga pose. OMG HA HA! Anyways a couple more weeks of this and then the fun begins.

Tired....sooooo tired.....

What an intersting an exhausting week. I seriously need a drink! I gave up alcohol for obovious reasons but I really really could use one today! I feel like I was running a marathon all day. Its kinda funny but our relationship has taken a totally new twist. It is like we are back to where we were when we were dating. Its kinda nice but at the same time its also exhausting.... so relly sleep is my only down time right now. SHe says as she yawns!! I think I may just have a nice warm bath and try not to fall asleep in it! LOL! Its the finale tonight of Celebrity Circus and I am pretty sure Antonio will win but MAYBE Stacey will. IN MY OPINION I feel like Stacey should win but really who cares! LOL! I am watching the baby borrowers and even watching all the little psychos still makes me want to have them. I think that is a sign I am ready right!? Now the question is IS MY BODY!?

My name is "Shell" and I am a researchaholic....

My name is Shellie and I am a researchaholic... I am totally and completely obsessed with researching... it never ceases to amaze me how you can look up a subject and find 10 million pages on it. When it comes to the world of infertility there is no end to the amount of things you can find out. What is the right diet? What shouldn't you eat? What are the fertility boosting foods? When it comes to IVF even though i have been through it once it was rushed and it wasn't the best process and experience... I am reading every article about it. ICSI has soo many bad things associated with it a shocking amount of bad information actually I was thrilled to read today that there is finally some good information out there. They have been doing alot of studies and that is a great thing I am all for the studies. It proves to me that the ends of the earth that I am willing to go to are not all in vain and I really don't want to do anything that is bad to either myself or the potential children. I believe I am having this experience for a reason I have no idea what that reason is but it keeps me sane to believe that. There are a few things I want to talk about beside my new addiction of research. I went to Edgefest on teh weekend and it was so awesome and I had alot of fun but I really think I am just too old for this stuff. The standing in the rain with no umbrella (not allowed) and the mud and the standing for hours upon hours lineups to go pee are like 4 hours and then its even more than that for the beer. Here are a few pictures below.

More on the IVF thing.... cause it is the single most important thing in my life these days. Thursday is the info session all about IVF. I think I am losing my mind because I am soo excited about this and yet it is going to be one of the hardest things that I have gone through. I am literally putting all my eggs into one basket! Hubby had the bloodwork he will bring in his sample when we are off that week and ALSO that week we have an appt with the counsellor ..... he is soo going to hate that!!! Also we will be paying the fees and signing the forms that week. There is so many things to do before that happens.

OK for those of you who read this blog I need your help. I have a very very good friend whose wife is expecting....they had their ultrasound and didn't give them a copy of the picture. They wanted the Dr to see it first then if everything is ok they would give them the pictures. THey are 12 weeks so now I am just relieved but cautiously optomistic. The ultrasound showed that there was blood beneath the baby... ok from the daddy's point of view from beneath the baby I am thinking its a hemmorhage of the placenta and they are concerned about it. Has anyone heard of this or seen this? Please pray for her and their baby. I am trying to do research to see what I can find out but I am really worried for them. Thank goodness they aren't and they are excited and telling everyone their wonderful news!! Me being the worry wart I am and knowing how things can change I am concerned.

The Terrible Tenaculum!!

There is a new instrument of torture in the fertility world. Beware of the tenaculum! This is used to grab the cervix and pull it open or get it to do things when your body is misbehaving and not cooperating with the doctor!

I went in for my Saline Sono today and again this terrible tenaculum had to be used. I arrived and whilst waiting ran into another girl I had seen previously for some reason we both remembered each other. Made me feel much better. I started to calm down. I went into the room changed into my paper sheet.... LOL ran into the room bare-assed... the ultrasound girl was gentle.. soo gentle it was unbelievable Mr Wand was gentle! She took some internal pictures and I smiled and made jokes when she went out to call Dr G to come in she came back and gave me my cell phone that my hubby had dropped off cause I forgot it in the car. Then when Dr G came in he said are you nervous? I laughed and said umm yes i see those instruments of torture over there ha ha! He began simply just inserting the speculuum.. something all women have had.. just like a pap. They jack you open. then he says ok I am going to insert the catheter then he says uhoh its not going in... I am going to try again so he pokes it again and pulls and pushes on the speculum.. (what I wouldnt give to clamp his penis and pull and push it!!!) and says ok now I am sorry I need to use the clamp. Now ladies.... IS THIS A CLAMP!? Clamp with pincers on it!? I braced myself for the pain. I thought omg ok deep breaths and think happy thoughts! He pinches it and pulls it all around and then says ok lets start again! So he clamps it again. What it feels like for me is a huge cramp that starts at the tip of the vajayjay and goes deeper into your back and uterus. I just thought happy thoughts and did deep breathing just like on the wiifit breathe in and breathe out through your nose. I held onto the cell phone with the picture of my niece and just stayed perfectly still he filled the balloon and then they inserted Mr Wand and took a bunch of pics and then just as quickly as it was started it was over. Removed the catheter and then felt all the liquid gush out I lay there a couple minutes then ran bare assed to the change room and I was done! Well next step is done so I can check that off my list! Now all hubby has to do is bring in his sample and have our counselling session and we are good to start! WOOHOO!!

Bad Blogger!

OK OK I know I am being very bad blogger. I need to post more often. I will I promise.

OK So THe second anniversary of giving birth to my precious girls went off like any other day. Yes I remembered them and every aching moment of it came rushing back to me like a bad dream but I survived it. They will always be in my heart and in my life forever. This was a nice day of just having fun with my sister and my family.

I am having some of the best times of my life now and I really never even thought I would survive after their birth. If I didn't know better I would think that Carmela came into my life to give me happiness the extreme kind of joys that make my days filled with less tears and more smiles. She is truly one of a kind. SHe may only be my niece but I swear to you that I love that little girl like she is my own. The time that I spend with her are some of the happiest most fulfilling times of my life. She makes me laugh to the point of crying she makes me laugh so hard that I literally fall down to the ground because my legs buckle from laughing so hard. She fulfills Roy and I so much more than I ever could have imagined. We have really grown in the last couple of years since we lost our girls. We have both learned that we can laugh again and live again... having fun doesn't mean we are forgetting what happened it means we are moving on. WE are ready to live again and love again.

Life is a really funny thing. Things happen that you least expect and when the worst happens that is when you see what you are truly made of. We never beleived for one second that our marriage was strong enough to handle something so horrific. The things we experienced and have lived through proves that we do have a good strong marriage and that when the times are tough we can pull ourselves out and survive.

I am very excited that next weekend I a m going to EDGEFEST really its one of the most exciting things I have done in years. It is going to be sooo much fun and I am really looking forward to spending the day with my sister and all her friends from work.

Tomorrow I am going to start back with my acupuncture and so that is truly exciting because that means I am on the brink of my first official IVF procedure.

To give you a taste of what I am in for... Here are some pictures.

ICSI

IVF STEPS

IVF MEETING

OK. So I had my appointment witgh the IVF coordinator and I am very excited. My protocol is not what I expected it to be. Not bad just different. It is very interesting that I can feel so excited again after so much has happened. I am really looking forward to the whole process. I love the place I am at they make me feel like they actually care. The treatment I get is like heaven. I walk in there with my head held high and a big smile on my face. I know its odd... and unless you go through it you really have no idea what it is like but for me after everything I have suffered through it just feels soo good to be happy again. To have something positive to look forward to and to be just at peace with all that happened. That doesn't mean I don't miss my girls cause I do. I really really do. And I have no interest in replacing them but this is it. This is our chance. The time is now. And HUBBY is actually excited and going along with everything too. I am stunned and shocked. Feels too good to be true!!

Gout from the heart?

The last week my foot has been aching, hoped it was the weather but the reality is 2 things.... My heart has been replaced by my foot and gout has decided to return again. I go on a diet eat hardly any beef... no alcohol.... just doesn't matter! This week is a very important week. It is a week that will run the gamat of emotions. Hard to believe but next Saturday has been 2 weeks since I gave birth to the most beautiful precious little girls ever. My daughters Anna and Grace. Even 2 years later not a day goes by that I don't think about them miss them or mourn them. I never thought I would be able to move on and to move past the pain but somehow I did. I found the strength that I never believed I had. The strength to live again, to look forward to something.. the future. Yes A future without my girls but still a future! Perhaps a future filled with love and laughing and maybe even a child. Wednesday is a very important day for me. I have my appointment with the IVF coordinator and that is exciting but also 2 years ago to that I already had the knowledge that Grace was gone... but that day was hte last day before our lives changed forever. On February 26th we discovered that Anna was gone as well. I try not to dwell but emotion is an fickle bitch. My heart hurts, my body aches. My mind races. I am so annoyed with this gout coming back so often.. I wonder if its something that comes from the mind and the heart and moves all the way down...... the pain is agony, the pain is horrifying the pill work great for a couple hours when it is at its worse... it makes me so sick I am worried I may puke the little food I am able to keep down. Very reminiscent of my labour with my girls.. the pain the puking sad but true. Once I start on this journey... my final journey I vow I will update this blog to keep record. I just finished watching The Da Vinci code for the first time and I have to say that I just loved it!! I even cried at the end... the thought that Mary Magdalene's sarcofagus is nestled under the stars that she bore a child named Sarah, incredible. I find myself lately being a little more willing to talk to God again. I chose not to watch this movie way back when due to Christian beliefs how ironic that while watching it that I turn back towards God. Life is a very odd and very interesting series of events. Some times they only come when you are ready to receive them. Like messages from beyond.

Like a visit to a theme park

You know that feeling of excitement mixed with terror… when you get in line for the first time to go on the new rollercoaster… you are in line and each step you take is both a step closer to getting on the rollercoaster but yet your heart is beating out of your chest because you are absoloutely terrified? That is how I would describe how I feel now… I am in the lineup waiting for my appointment on June 25th with the IVF coordinator. Excited and yet terrified. This is our one and only chance I am literally putting all my eggs into one basket. Each step I take closer to getting on the roller coaster…starting my IVF regiment. Once I discover what protocol I am going to be on I will know more…. Apparently the IVF coordinator will provide me with all that information. I can’t wait. Strange I know but this ride is our last and I just want to get it started!!! What a bizarre twist of fate that at the end of our journey we are doing the one thing I swore I would never do!

Does the Pain ever go away??

When I lost my daughters I could never imagine a worse pain. The emptiness, the anger, the longing for my babies, waking up each day belieiving it was all a nightmare and they were there fast asleep in their cribs in the nursery. I was finally able to move on, I was ready to try again and this time would be different this time we would be successful. I really believed that. N o matter what I thought there was no way that life could be that cruel to me. But I was wrong wasn't I? Life can be that cruel in fact this time in many ways it was just a tease. Can you imagine believing you are pregnant only to go in and find out that it is just an empty sac? That once again you find yourself on the wrrong side of the odds. Except this time I cannot seem to come back. I am just so sad all the time and i have lost my will to do anything. I don't have the will to live anymore... its just not there. I want to scream and I want to cry and break things and make myself feel better and yet I don't think that anything will make me feel better. Even my husband has lost faith.... lost faith in me and faith in the fact that we will ever have children. What a sad dissapointing life and marriage this has turned out to be. Now he barely talks to me and when he does its just to call me barren and tell me there is no point to life if we cannot have children of our own. Makes me feel even worse considering I feel the same way. We have discovered that the problem is my eggs. My eggs are of poor quality and this is why our last IVF didnt go as well as expected. So once again I am a failure and everything is all my fault. What a totally shitty life! I give up!!!

Like getting a wrapped Christmas gift - a box full of air! :(

OK I haven't updated because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. For that I am sorry. First of all my third pregnancy test came back 140.3 the numbers were doubling I couldn't believe it... I wasn't willing to admit it. Neither was my hubby... It was soo exciting and I was happy.. this was it it felt weird but I again I let myself get my hopes up. What a funny thing.. to consistently promise yourself you won't get your hopes up and then to be cautiously optomisitc to the point where positivity and smiles started seeping in. Eventually as weeks went by my tummy started to grow.. no not enough that anyone else would notice... but we did. My boobs got fuller and I started having the growls... which for me is my biggest pregnancy symptom.. suddenly I am hungry... I started reminicing about last time and remembering how I let those moments go by without truly appreciating them... this time woudl be different.. this time I would appreciate every single second of each moment. Eventually hubby and I started to talk about our future and making plans, we smiled and we were happy.. genuinely happy. It just feels like forever since we were that happy. He would curl up with me at night and cuddle into me and put his hands on my belly... I loved the thought of it. I had him convinced that this time it was a boy and I didn't want to know what it was until it was born.. yes we really needed something to hold on to and it felt so good to have that. We needed that so badly.. I don't think we really knew how much we needed it until we had it. Then 3 days before my 7 week ultrasound I saw pink on the t.p. I freaked out and had a total panic attack. Suddenly my happiness was crushed and I just saw it... this wasn't going to end well... AGAIN just like last year I had that feeling.. I call it wannabe mom's intuition. Monday the pink turned to brown spotting and I called the clinic and they put me on total bedrest. I will admit it was alot harder than I expected... getting up only to pee was weird but totally worth it as long as it helped my little Nemo survive.... Wednesday came and I went in for my ultrasound.. now a 7 week ultrasound is supposed to be an exciting time but I knew something was wrong and AGAIN noone listened to me. I took my sister with me because I needed someone who has been through it and someone who will be there for me and hold my hand. She was there when the embryo was transferred she should be there to see it for the first time. There was a gestational sac so technically yes I am pregnant... then I went pee and they inserted the wand... and then I could sense the tension... something was wrong.. I just lay there and stared at the ceiling and hoped I was wrong... I closed my eyes and thought of the last time I saw my daughters on the ultrasound screeen.. these beautiful baby girls curled into each other with no beating heart... I remembered how I cried and how hubby cried while they sat there and took measurements for 10 minutes... and how the look on the doctor's face broke my heart. She showed me the sac and said its just too early to see a yolk sac or fetal pole but the dr will discuss it with you further. As soon as I got to the waiting room I looked at my sister and I said now do you believe me? Its an empty sac... there is no baby. She still wasn't willing to admit it. Finally we met with the dr and he told me what I feared. There is no baby... If you don't miscarry soon then you will have to abort it. I have another u/s scheduled for 1:30 next Wednesday to see if everything is gone or what stage we are at. He told me that he was very sorry but unfortunately although I am measuring 6 weeks 5 days the sac is just too small and its not a viable pregnancy. I absoloutely cannot believe I am going through another loss. Five months or 7 weeks it still rips out your heart and breaks you in two. After all the pain and suffering and IVF/ICSI nightmare I am about to have a very painful miscarriage.... and if it all doesnt come out on its own.. I will need a D&C. I want to scream I want to cry I want to break stuff but mostly I just long for my daughters. Maybe its wrong of me to think like that.. and maybe it makes no sense but I hurt so badly....I loved all my babies... but I just don't know if I will ever get over losing my daughters. There really isn't a second of a minute of any day that I don't miss them.... but this has just brought my emotions back my feelings of failure and I just feel like I am useless. Hubby has been great he just wants to take a break and then we will make some decisions about when to try again and how to try again... I really am lucky to have him... He must be just as broken hearted as I am... maybe not as empty... but he definitely hurts too. Well the cramps are getting soo bad I am having trouble sitting up so I think it is really just a matter of time before everything starts coming out... I will update again soon enough....

More than Just a little Pregnant!

Well

On 12 DPT I got a BFP. It was 10 which is a very very low number and not very promising. When the message was left for me it wasn't even a congratulations you are pregnant message it was a the number is 10 and its really low. Come back on Friday and we wil retest. If the numbers are doubling then that is a good sign. I went in on Friday and my numbers went up to 26.94. Which means they are doubling and I am officially pregnant. It is just beleived that it implanted late. If I didn't know better I would say it implanted the day after I got the 10 beta. I was cramping so much and having pains and then I has a spot of blood. So its a little behind but growing. Keep growing Nemo my darling. It is surreal to me that this is happening. Hubby is too scared to get excited and I am more scared than he is but I am looking forward to a better outcome this time. I talk to it daily and I got back for another beta on Monday to make sure the numbers are still going UP! Grow little Nemo GROW!

I found this interesting article and I had to post it. Of course as a woman who has suffered with this infertility disease for many years and has been trying to have a baby for 6 years I can tell you I am fully aware of the risks but I am willing to suffer through anything for a baby.


Are fertility treatments damaging our children?
By TOM RAWSTORNE - Last updated at 12:00pm on 18th June 2007
Comments (5)
The desperation of the infertile would-be mother knows no bounds. Lee Cowden, aching to conceive, was pumped full of hormones to make her produce more eggs. The result? A trip to hospital — but not to a maternity suite.
"I was 25 and felt this excruciating pain in my chest," recalls Lee, a music therapist from Surrey. "I was rushed into intensive care in an ambulance, and it became pretty clear that, despite my age, I had suffered a heart attack.
"I'd suffered a clot caused by the fertility treatment I had undergone. I remember lying in my hospital bed, desperately worried. Not for my health, but because I thought that they’d never let me have IVF again, and I'd never become a mother."
Scroll down for more...

Can we trust the science behind IVF?
Then there's Jane Edwards, a 36-year- old accountant from Manchester. She'd been trying for a baby for five years and was delighted when a course of drugs designed to stimulate her ovaries resulted in a harvest of 24 eggs. That delight, however, was short-lived.
"As I was being wheeled out of the treatment room, my breathing became irregular and then stopped altogether," says Jane. "They couldn’t find a pulse and I had to be resuscitated in an emergency room.
"I was suffering from what is known as ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, and to make it worse the eggs were a no-go.
"So what did I do? Carried on with treatment, of course. I want to be a mum more than anything in the world."
While these stories of self-sacrifice may sound extreme, a quick look at the myriad internet websites dedicated to the subject of IVF reveal they are far from unique.
But what they also reveal is that while women continue to risk serious side-effects from the fertility treatments they undergo, they are also increasingly beginning to question what effects these procedures may have on any future child.
"The drugs give me banging headaches, hot flushes and temper tantrums," writes one 33-year- old member of an online forum. "If they make me feel like this, what are they doing to my eggs?"
Another asks: "I am so excited to be having IVF, but will any baby I have be OK?"
She's not alone in asking. For while three decades have passed since the first test-tube baby was born in Britain, doubts persist about its longterm safety.
From the U.S. comes research that the common practice of storing fertilised embryos can provoke genetic changes that may develop into mental and behavioural disorders later in life; from Canada come claims that IVF can increase some birth defects tenfold; while from Denmark a study of young men finds those conceived through fertility treatment are 50 per cent more likely to be infertile themselves.
Taken with the explosion in multiple births (with their own inherent health problems), is it any surprise that others are starting to echo the sentiments of fertility expert Professor Robert Winston?
Can we really trust the science behind IVF, Lord Winston has asked. Or is it just a 'mass experiment' with desperate women as the guinea pigs — and the results a timebomb that future generations will have to defuse?
Louise Brown, the world’s first testtube baby, was born in 1978 and became a mother herself last year. Her son, Cameron, was conceived naturally and this was hailed in some quarters as proof that IVF really 'works'.
Others, however, caution against attributing too much significance to this happy event. The treatment that led to Louise’s birth, they point out, was very different from today's.
Doctors waited until one of her mother Lesley's eggs had ripened, collected it and then fertilised it in a test tube with her husband's sperm before replacing it in her womb.
Since then, procedures have moved on, with more than three million babies worldwide conceived through Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART) — IVF, ovulation induction and intra-uterine induction.
In Britain, ART accounts for 1.4 per cent of all births every year — 10,242 in 2004 — while many more women undergo treatment unsuccessfully (the success rate among women under 35 is 28.2 per cent, falling to 10.6 per cent for those aged 40-42).
The main developments in ART have focused on manipulating the production of a woman's eggs through the administration of fertility drugs.
This has been both to control the timing of ovulation and to increase the number of eggs produced. The more eggs, the logic goes, the higher the chance of a successful pregnancy.
Once harvested, the eggs are fertilised in the lab while the woman receives hormone drugs to ready her womb for implantation. It is then hoped a normal pregnancy will ensue.
That's the theory — the practice is somewhat different. With relatively small provision of IVF on the NHS, the fertility business has developed into a multi-million-pound industry charging up to £5,000 for a single cycle.
With all parties desperate for results, the tendency has been to use more drugs to produce more eggs and — hopefully — more babies.
But critics claim this approach has resulted in increased risks to the mother (cancers, clots and hyperstimulation) and to the unborn child, as well as an explosion in multiple births.
Today, the twin birth rate is 23.6 per cent for IVF mothers, compared with between one per cent and two per cent in the general population.
Not only are they more likely to be born prematurely and underweight, but there is also a greater risk that they will be stillborn or with a disability.
Rules governing IVF mean that women under 40 in Britain can have two embryos implanted, while those over 40 are allowed three.
But the Human Fertilisation And Embryology Authority (HFEA), which licenses fertility clinics, is running a public consultation to examine whether single-embryo implantation should become the norm.
While this shift will address the problems associated with multiple births, it's not the end of the matter.
For reasons that remain unclear, there are also higher incidences of post-birth difficulties with single IVF babies.
Studies have shown that they are two-and-a-half-times more likely to have a low birth weight — and small babies are known to be more likely to grow up to develop vascular disease, diabetes, hypertension or osteoporosis.
Further, analysis of the records of some 60,000 deliveries in Ontario, Canada, during 2005 found the 1,394 babies born via ART were 60 per cent more likely to have defects than children conceived naturally.
Gastrointestinal abnormalities were most common, though the babies also had a higher risk of bone, muscle and heart defects.
Rightly, many will argue that the risk of birth defects remains low — affecting just 2.62 per cent of ART babies, compared with 1.87 per cent of naturally conceived babies. But there is a discrepancy.
Is it caused by the drugs taken to induce ovulation? Or is it some asyetunidentified aspect of a couple’s infertility that is passed on and which affects their offspring?
Equally intriguing is the fact that the research seems to suggest that the more far-reaching the intervention, the more likely there is to be some sort of long-term problem.
Researchers in the U.S. say the common practice of storing fertilised embryos can provoke genetic changes that may develop into mental disorders. In the UK, embryos are often cultured for five to six days after fertilisation so they can start to divide and grow.
Only the healthiest embryos survive to the 'blastocyst' stage — when they are a tiny ball of 60 cells — and are then handpicked to boost pregnancy rates.
Instead of implanting two or three embryos, couples can select the one which is showing the best potential.
But this storage period could ultimately harm the baby, according to the study by scientists at the University of Pennsylvania.
It examined the behaviour of mice whose embryos were stored in the laboratory before being implanted in the womb of a 'foster' mother. They were compared with those whose embryos developed naturally in the womb before being transferred. The mice whose embryos had been stored began to show behavioural abnormalities at four to six months.
Another area causing particular concern is a procedure known as intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI), which involves passing a single sperm directly into an egg.
This technique is often used when the man has a very low sperm count or very poor sperm movement, both of which make normal fertilisation unlikely.
Research has found that ICSI babies have three times the rate of birth defects of naturally conceived infants.
Could the actual process of injecting the sperm directly into the egg be damaging the child? And could the genetic defects that made the donor infertile in the first place be passed on to their children?
This question of second-generation infertility is an area of particular interest, and given the relative infancy of the science of IVF, it is something that will become clear only in years to come.
But, already, there is some cause for concern. A recent Danish study of 2,000 men compared the fertility of those whose mothers had needed help to conceive with those who were conceived naturally.
The team, from the Rigshospitalet in Copenhagen, found that 47 men born as a result of treatment had lower fertility.
Indeed, 30 per cent of these men had so few sperm that they were judged to be infertile by World Health Organisation standards — compared with 20 per cent of the men conceived naturally.
On average, men conceived through IVF had 46 per cent fewer sperm, and those they did produce were more likely to be inactive and abnormally shaped.
The men also had smaller testicles and lower levels of the male sex hormone testosterone.
The differences were more pronounced in 25 men whose mothers had hormone-based drugs. Their sperm counts were 60 per cent lower than normal.
While it is not known what drugs the women took, the likely candidates-— clomifene, human menopausal gonadotropin (HMG) and human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG) — are used by thousands of British women a year. Clomifene and HMG coax the body into producing more eggs, while HCG triggers their release.
The researchers acknowledged that the results could partly be explained by genetics, with infertile couples passing on their problems to their offspring, but also raised the possibility that the female hormones in the drugs may harm the development of the sexual organs of any male foetus.
It is, of course, important to acknowledge that the risks remain small — in other words, if a natural child has a one-in-5,000 risk of a deformity, even if the risk doubles through IVF it remains a remote possibility. But medics insist it cannot be entirely ignored.
"The risks certainly aren't so big that we should not use this technology, but we should use it cautiously," says Professor William Ledger, professor of obstetrics and gynaecology at the University of Sheffield.
"My worry is that more and more people are turning to IVF almost as a lifestyle choice, as a convenience. In some instances, say because of their busy lives, couples may not be able to sleep with one another enough to conceive naturally.
"If one of them is working in the U.S. and the other in London, they see IVF as a surrogate for sex.
"Alternatively, women are waiting to start a family until they are rather old, and then turn to IVF. They are not infertile in the sense of having a blocked tube or something similar — they have just left it too late to have a baby naturally."
Secondly, there is a growing school of thought that, given the uncertainties, IVF clinics should be attempting to provide as low a level of intervention as possible, reducing the risks to mother and child.
Known as Natural Cycle or soft IVF, it centres on single- embryo IVF treatment involving minimal drug stimulation. The emphasis is on using high-tech scanning techniques to identify a few high-quality eggs, rather than using high drug dosages to stimulate the ovaries to over-produce.
"Yes, you can get a lot of eggs with stimulation," explains Dr Geeta Nargund, head of reproductive medicine at St George's Hospital, London, "but 65 to 70 per cent tend to be abnormal. It is the quality, not the quantity, of eggs that determines a successful pregnancy."
Of course, not everyone is suitable for this treatment, but one woman who did benefit was Lee Cowden, 28.
Following her heart attack in 2004, Lee — who was infertile after being diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome as a teenager — was told it was too dangerous for her to continue with conventional IVF.
But after being referred to Dr Nargund, it was agreed she would try the low-dose approach, and within three months of starting treatment she became pregnant.
"I cried my eyes out when the nurse finally said: "Your pregnancy test is positive." I was so happy."
Lee's daughter Molly was born last November and is doing well.
"Following the heart attack, I kept thinking it was only a matter of time before doctors told me I'd never be able to have children.
"I've been on a roller-coaster ride, with some agonising times. But I'm lucky — my story has a happy ending."
That is something everyone can only hope and pray all the women whose lives have been touched and moulded by IVF will have, too.

My little Nemo

I am so lucky to have my sister, I screwed up our relationship last year I became so self involved I feel like I became a selfish person that wasn't there for her when I needed her. So when my heart broke on June 28th and they told me that my embryos had slowed down and they couldn't put any in I did the one thing I knew. I reached out to my sister. I was lucky that she was off and able to come with me. We arrived at the clinic early and go set up in the back room. I put on my gown and hat and booties....I was shaking I was so nervous. What if they came into the room again and told me none survived?? At least I would have Tiffy with me. The nurse came in and asked Tiffy if she wanted to come in and we both said YES! So she got all gowned up with a hat and gown and booties and mask... I wish I had taken a picture we must have looked so funny. We walked into the OR and I got up on the table and they checked me to see if my bladder was full... I knew it was because I was having the pee shivers. They asked me if I wanted to empty a little before they called the dr and I said no I am fine. The dr came in and he had this look on his face. It wasn't good news. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. None survived the night did they? He explained that out of 16 successfully fertilized eggs that he was shocked that only 1 made it. But it was a grade 2 8 cell and that is still pretty good. Tiffy grabbed my hand and held it tight. I said OK lets go ahead with it. He put my legs in stirrups and cleaned my cervix and then put in the catheter. Then on the screen he showed us the uterus and te lining was at 15mm and then we could see the catheter go in and on the screen... then the embryologist left and went to go get the embryo. He came back with this long tube with the embryo loaded in it and then within seconds you could see it flickering on the screen and moving up the tube... then he deposited it at a nice thick part of the lining. To quote my sister it was like the webbing being shot out of spiderman... zoom right into there. I named it Nemo... like in the movie. He was the only egg that survived after the shark came and attacked the nest. So this is my Nemo. It survived after its 16 brother and sisters didn't. I have placed all my eggs (egg) in one basket and all my hopes and dreams are relying on that little embryo. Soon time will tell if its all for naught....but my hopes tell me this is it. I am on progesterone 3x a day, and prometrium 3 at bedtime, and estrace 3x a day. All these hormones to help it grow and flourish. Because of all the hormones I feel pregnant again. Its a strange feeling for me...it brings with it alot of emotions and memories about last year. I remember the tender boobs, and the cramps and aches and pains. I remember being hungry and nauseous all at once. I remember tummy growling at me because it needed food and I would pet it and talk to them and tell them mommy was working on it. Soon you would have food... Now with every growl I talk to Nemo. I actually talk to Nemo alot. I tell it to stay strong and to keep growing. I am paranoid and I am scared that I am going to do something wrong to screw it all up. I really hope that all this paranoia is for a good reason. I feel terrible that I didn't do anything special to celebrate the birth of my daughters. I went back and forth on it so many times. Do I do something or don't I, what can I possibly do that will make up for the loss and heartache I still feel? Then all this IVF business came up and my embryo transfer was scheduled for that day. One year to the day I gave birth I was going to be implanted with new life. I decided that this was a sign from Grace and Anna. They were ok with me moving on and that was a great tribute to them. Then when everything went wrong... I was confused again. Is this another sign that it's not meant to be? Or that they just wanted that day to be special for them only? I am so filled with emotions and sadness and confusion. I spent some time talking to them and being in the nursery with them and that felt good. I love that they are home with us and that I can touch them and be with them. This is my way of honouring them. I am moving forward. I am moving on. I am learning to love again and I am hopefully pregnant with their brother or sister.

My First Egg Retrieval

Well the day finally came I was nervous and scared and shaky I went into the clinic and turned in huby's sample and then told them I was there. They called us back and it was like opening a door to a whole other place. There were leather chairs and gowns it was like a hospital. She told me to empty my bladder and change into the gown and cap and put the footsies on over my socks then they would start the IV. I changed and came out and got comfy... She brought me a sedative to help calm me down, just place it under your tongue she said well by the time I got it under my tongue it had melted.... then she started the IV and asked if he would be ok to watch and I said sure he is fine with you torturing me its just when you torture him he cannot take. HA HA! She put in the IV and almost immediately lead me into the OR. The room was smaller than I thought but it was ice cold. I was soooo glad i wore socks. I sat up on the bed and then she put my legs in these leg stirrups... it felt really bizarre. I was a little weirded out by it but it was ok.... shortly after a nurse came in and asked me for my name and birthdate and then the Dr and the a few other nurses came in. One of the ladies was from my old clinic was there she was going to be the ultrasound tech for the procedure. He started the IV and told me I needed to remain calm... remain calm.. hahaha here I am on display with a room full of people and my knees are knocking and I am supposed to remain calm.. haha TURN UP THE IV! LOL! He put in the speculum and pinched me and instead of saying OW I just let it go... then i felt the probe go in and alot of pressure and he would say great job Shell we got 2 eggs o another 4 eggs etc.. it was really neat and yet scary as hell. Then he said OK girls push and they were all pushing on my right side i guess to separate the eggs...for easier retrieval. I thought this isn't so bad.. then he went to the other side.. and I barely remember that. It was all over and he said I did a great job. I thought to myself... thank you morphine! I am sure I will feel it later. They were able to retrieve 16 eggs. Then the embryologist came in and said he had some concerns about hubbys sperm. His count was great but the morphology wasnt and he had some concerns. He recommended ICSI a procedure where they would physically insert the sperm into the egg for fertilization he said it would greatly increase the chances. OK well I needed to talk to hubby so I said let me chat with him he is in recovery waiting for me. I got out and I could hardly talk... I was soo nauseous and I felt like I was going to hurl. I just looked at him and he said I heard... How much is it going to cost. 1K they said. OK off he went to pay... I am not sure if it was the drugs or the shock ... but I was going to drop on the floor.. I lay back and tried to remain calm but he had to grab a little blue container for me to be sick in. Poor hubby he has seen me sick so many times. I was sick and couldn't believe how ill i was. The nurse came in and gave me some gravol in the iv and then I asked her to take the IV out once I was feeling better. Once she took it out I was feeling much better and eventually I was even able to get dressed and slowly get up. I was in so much pain I couldn't beleive it. I could hardly stand. I slowly made my way to the door and hubby bought me my suppositories and took me home. I came home and slept for 4 hours. That was yesterday and I am still in a lot of pain but I am able to get up and down easier now and I am going to attempt to return to work tomorrow. The embryologist called today and told us that of the 16, 13 eggs were mature and were fertilized, however only 7 have survived. I am keeping my fingers crossed that they make it and at our transfer on Thursday morning we are able to put in 2 or 3 embryos.
On that note. This Thursday June 28th the day of the embryo transfer is one year ago I gave birth to my twin girls. I am trying to think that this is a positive sign. That my girls are smiling at me from heaven and laughing at the irony. Someone certainly should be!

For more details http://www.ohiorepromed.com/icsi.htm

Well i continued on this month after deciding that this was our last month and pretty much resigning myself to believing that this IUI would be our last but still holding out hope. THen today I went in for the ultrasound and this is what they saw! Now for those reading this and are in my world of fertility you know that there are just too many eggs to continue on the iui route. I have officially switched to IVF. I am scared and nervous and excited all at once. Not sure what to think or how to react.

How do you know when enough is enough?

This month has been a broken hearted mess. The amount of money that I have spent on medications I could have bought a NEW CAR! I have cried so many tears I could have made my own moat around my house. I am so tired of being let down, I am so sorry that I am such a failure. It is impossible to go down thie same road time and time again and expect different results.. is that not the very definition of insanity... to do the same thing 100 times and expect different results. Am I insane? My family seems to think so. Month after month of dissapointments and heartbreak my husband is ready to leave me he just cannot take any more. And for me I would never quit.. never!! I cannot accept that my birth of those girls last year is the only birth experience i will ever have. I cannot accept that the only baby I will ever have are ashes in pink boxes in the empty nursery filled with baby clothes and baby toys that will never be used. I am so lost, lost in my heartache and heartbreak. Tomorrow I turn 31, at 31 I expected to have had my children by now. Here I am 6 years later still with empty arms and still with a hole where my heart should be. I miss my baby girls... I miss them every second of every minute of every day. My beloved Grace died a year ago on my birthday... it breaks my heart to know that she has been gone from my life for a year and it feels like it was yesterday.. I still remember feeling them move around inside me, I remember talking to them. Telling them mommy would stay strong for them and that she would never leave them alone or hurt them. They died inside of me after being strong for 5 months.... I held them and told them I loved them. My desire for children is so much stronger than the fear I have of pain and suffering. All I do is suffer and cry and hurt. I am in so much pain from all the injections (3 months back to back), my ovaries ache and my stomach hurts. I have put on so much weight and suffered through so many painful procedures and tests. All I want to do is have a baby.. should it be so difficult? Should I really have to spend thousands of dollars and have to inject hormones daily? NO! This is utterly ridiculous and I am sick and tired of it! How do I know when enough is enough?? When the pain takes over the sanity and causes me to realize that I will go into debt and probably lose my husband... that is when! So with that... this is our last month. We are out of money, out of time and out of hope! Never out of love and will always crave what I cannot have. A baby of my own.

Tears and Pain -one year later.....

I have finally reached that moment... the moment I have dreaded... the one year anniversaries of all things baby. A year ago yesterday we had our first appt at the High risk clinic with Dr Smith. He was so tender and caring and NOTHING like I pictured him... he actually seemed to care about us. He couldn't find the membrane between the babies and got us an emergency appt at Mt Sinai for May 31st. May 31st was the day when my dreams died and my hopes were crushed. A day I will never forget as they told us we were teh worst case scenario and suggested we abort our babies. The day when they took away our happiness and replaced it will sadness and fear. OK I know realize they were right but that doesn't take the pain away it still hurts.... it hurts to know that right now I should have 2 girls flourishing and crawling, maybe already saying mommy. I long for those moments... I still wake up in a sweat (just not as often) thinking that it was all a horrible nightmare and a mistake. But when I rush to the nursery there sit those precious tiny girls in bronze boxes painted pink... I did reach a good milestone recently though. I allowed someone to see the nursery (well the room anyways) I wasn't ready for anyone to go in but what a huge step to take to actually open the door and have someone beside me. It was a little bit freeing to allow someone in to just experience my pain if even for just a moment... to feel the love that fills that room, the heartache and heartbreak knowing that the room was for those girls, the toys and clothes and diapers in there were all for them. My only hope now is that they understand that I will hopefully have a baby oneday and those toys and clothes and diapers will be used by their brother or sister. There were some very special things that belonged to them and I put them in their casket with them so they could have them with them for eternity... but thing like baby bouncers were just too big. So they will pass them down.. hey hand me downs aren't that bad are they!? I hope that I will make a great mom and that Grace and Anna will watch me from heaven and smile knowing that they may have missed out on it here on earth but that my motherly love for them is eternal no matter where they are. I believe I will hold them again in heaven one day. I know that they know what happened wasn't their fault and that they were wanted soo much but even our love for them wasn't stong enough. I hope that they felt no pain and that it was quick and they just fell asleep silently. I believe when I held them that their souls were still there and that they could feel our love for them and that they knew how heartbroken we were that they had to leave us so soon. Our lives will never be the same. The loss of a child ( or children) at any point does soemthing to you. It makes you hard it breaks you down and makes you doubt everything you always believed.. it makes you hate the cold cruel world and it makes you want to scream and crry and never leave home again. It took me a long time to accept they were really gone and that I didn't know Grace was gone... until that ultrasound day. I felt like such a failure as a mom. Eventually I was able to move on with my life.. slowly building my future and looking forward not backward.. it was a hard lesson to learn and in my life all my lessons seem to be hard... It took some convincing but I finally got hubby to agree to try again.. and it gave me something to look forward to something to hold on to. I needed that. I looked forward to my appointments and my daily injections as strange as that may seem it is the path I must take to conceive. I accept that and I look forward to the day I hold a baby in my arms and I hear the cry, or feel the fingers move. Strange I realize but its what I get up for every day and its why I continue to breathe in and out every day. I may have lost my faith but I will never lose my hope. The day I lose my hope is the day I die outside and match my insides.

The 45 Minute IUI

This month has been a very difficult month. Not only because almost a year ago our lives changed forever.. But because this has been my first (and last I hope) back to back month of injections. It is soo exhausting emotionally and physically my stomach just aches as if to beg please not another needle... PLEASE.. Of course this cycle was also extremely long... I just used up the last of the HMG the night before trigger so that was a good thing. My follicles grew very slowly this month they dropped my medication so as to not overstimulate me but it also caused only 2 follies to mature and slowly at that. My Estrogen played games where it plateaued and it looked like I was going to be cancelled... Then they increased the dosage for a couple days and it doubled (which is good) and the follies finally grew to perfect size. They finally triggeered me on the 19th....that would be cd19 for those of you following along... Like I said LOOOOONG Cycle! I was anxious but excited about the inseminations... The timing was nice because it was on a long weekend and we didn't have to miss any work or carpool etc. First IUI went like clockwork, in and out great count (33 Million-YAY hubby!) So I had no reason to think that the second one would not go as smoothly. I went in and dropped off the sample picked up my mom (for support) and waited.. They called me in and I sat there and I was nervous but excited. I have been through this too many times now so I knew what to expect... Or so I thought!!! The count was 27 Million - Again YAY HUBBY!!! The Dr was chatting away and we were joking around and I noticed he was poking a lot but nothing was happening... (catheter being inserted into cervix and ultimately uterus) Weird I thought! After several attempts and apologies he said your cervix is tricky and its tilted I have to straighten it. (using a tenaculum) OK I have had this before... I can handle this. BUT wow he clamped on and the pain just surges through your cervix and uterus. I cannot explain it but it is beyond and OW and is very unexpected. Well this lasted for what felt like an eternity but was really only about 45 minutes total... I was bleeding a lot because of the constant clamping with these tools (apparently the first one didn’t work so he had to use another tool) which made things worse... Finally when I was about to ask for a break... My legs in the stirrups were like JELLO... He finally says ok I am in! DONE and then was kind enough to swab the cervix of the blood and mentioned I might spot for a while but it was ok. OK yup its ok.. Now that you are done!!! I went home and slept for a couple hours since I was so crampy and achy and even the next day I was still in pain. Cramps and spotting. I have everything crossed that this is our month. NO more nonsense..... I am getting so dam tired of all this. Last time it worked on our second round of IUIs. This is our third!!!! OK enough complaining I am sorry I am just moody and hormonal (thanks to the progesterone - 2 twice a day- up the wahoo another joyful experience!!)

The cycle that never ends!

CD 19 and I FINALLY got triggered. Who knew that 2 follicles could take so long to grow. It's been such an emotional rollercoaster this month. Maybe its back to back cycles or maybe its soo many hormones emotions run high or maybe its cause the drugs ran out this month and I am not sure i can afford another cycle but i am exhausted.. EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSCIALLY! Each time i have to prick myself with another injection I cringe, I take a deep breath and I plunge it in. My stomach aches... it just aches I am so tired... and I am hoping against hope that this is it. Hard to believe it was almost a year ago that I had the appt at Mt Sinai and my world flipped outside down. I hope that these 2 eggs work and that his count is great. This will be Tiffany's month I have already accepted that... but will it also be mine? i hope so. That would be so great a week apart. I want to scream and cry and yell out loud its my turn now dammit. This will be a LONG 2 weeks. I will check back in later

Mothers Day

Today is mothers day. Its not just a day to celebrate my mom and hubby's mom but its a sad day for me. Its a day that should be filled with smiles and laughter watching my girls learn to crawl and do all htose things little babies do. I remember last year on mother's day I was happy I loved knowing that I would be a mother soon and that next year I would have 2 little gifts that would help me celebrate this day. Instead I woke up this morning thinking how things could be different, things should be different!!! Here we are almost a year later and I am still without a child, without babies to hold, I am still wishing and hoping that our turn will come but sadly.... all I get is dissapointment and tears. I hope that next year's mothers day we have something to celebrate. I hope that we have what we yearn for...what we desire.... Its not that I want to replace my little girls because nothing and noone ever can or will... its just that they caused me to feel love, a love I never knew I was missing.. I feel like I had something taken away before I ever got to really enjoy or appreciate it. I need it, I desire it... I long for it!!!!!!!! So this morhters day for me is bittersweet.

Another Broken Promise!!

Every time I go back to the clinic for a day 3 ultrasound I feel like I wipe the slate clean to try again. I wash away the hurt and the pain and the suffering that may have been caused by the last dissapointment. I think about how last time it worked on the second try and its just a matter of time for us. I prepare myself for the injections and the hundreds (well it certainly feels like hundreds!!) of appointments. I think about the time and money I spend on chasing the elusive dream of becoming a mommy. I cry alot between when I get the BFN and my next day 3. Its a sadness that I never had before....before I knew what I was missing. Before I knew the joys of feeling a miracle (or 2) grow inside you and move inside you. Before our world came crashing down and we learned the true meaning of pain and sadness. I miss my girls every second of every day.... I want to show them that I can be a good mommy and I will suffer through hell and back to get it if that is what it takes! Each month I make a promise to myself. I promise myself no matter what I will not get my hopes up, I will not have my heart broken all over again. And each month I break that promise to myself. It starts simple, tender boobs or nausea one day. Then you start to think.. hmm maybe this means something... then as each day passes other strange things happen to your body and before you know it you are adamant that this is it! I am pregnant and now I just have to wait for that beta to tell me what I already know.... and then you go for that bloodtest and the results come back in the voice of a chinese girl... Your test came back negative see you on day 3! You want to jump out the window... you want to scream and cry and yell... just hit something, anything anyone just to stop the tears from flowing as you realize you did it again. You broke that promise. Your got your heart broken! Next time will be different..... But really will it?? I doubt it at this point. So I go off the prometrium now and I wait for AF to come to go for my day 3 ultrasound when I will be told that I have numerous cysts and must wait a cycle. SO Now I wait till JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That seems so far away!

1 Year ago...Easter meant something different

It was a year ago that we found out the girls were twins and we gave the family framed pictures of the sonogram for Easter. It is unbelievable that it has been a year already. I year ago we were over the moon excited about the prospect of having babies and here we are a year later and we are back trying to have a baby. So far this cycle i have 15 follicles on the left side and 15 on the right... but only 1 egg that is big enough to count..so far... It only takes one! All the injections and the swelling in the ovaries will all be worth it. I ache and I swell, i become a raving lunatic all in search for a baby, and even after everything we have been through I still say it is worth it. Totally Worth IT!
Men have no idea what it islike to be poked and prodded, and examined and have to self inject daily. It isn't on my top 10 things of what I like to do yet I continue to do it... and I will until I am successful. I hope that this our month. I need it to be our month, I am tired and I am sore and tender. O how I long to hold my own child in my arms, to hear the sounds of my tiny newborn baby, to look into Roy's eyes and see the happiness and conentment that only a father can have and display. I am not drinking alcohol, no caffeine. I am eating salds for dinner I am trying really hard to be a good body, give it something healthy to grow in. I cannot believe that I am back at this point....the point where I get up in the morning and I have something to look forward to, a goal that I am working to achieve. It makes the month go by fast and it helps me to focus on the task at hand. Next weekend should be the insemination and then the dreaded 2ww I really don't find the 2ww so hard because again the wait is a great thing..... the moments before we find out if we are going to be parents.... Soon enough....but not soon enough for me!
I will update again soon... Time to head over to the in-laws for dinner.