Photography is my hobby

35th Birthday, GFR and Fathers Day

2011-06-17T20:12:00.000-07:00

Wednesday I turned 35, almost a bittersweet birthday because 35 is kind of a milestone and yet also a reminder of what we have been through. I was feeling a little down but facebook actually cheered me up. All day long I heard ding as someone wished me happy birthday or sent me a message wishing me happy birthday. Really made me feel loved and appreciated. People have no idea how a simple thing like that can affect a person's day. Each ding made me smile.. I had over 25 people wish me Happy Birthday on faebook... Truly a startling number of people in my opinion. Sunday is fathers day. Personally I find Mothers day and Fathers day horrible days for me. But Fathers Day especially never mind it is a reminder of what we don't and won't have but also a reminder my father who has abandoned me isn't around anymore. He truly broke my heart and for that I will never forgive him. I had an appointment with the nephrologist this week too I have had a pain in the right side for months and we basically believe it is a kidney infection that is not healing. I got my creatnine level from him and it is 188. My GFR puts me in stage 4 of kidney failure (stage 5 is dialysis) I am sad about that but I am also grateful that I am armed with the information and able to make decisions based on that. I gave up alcohol a year ago and I only eat beef once a week. The meds I am on have helped bring down my blood pressure significantly and no more gout because the other meds I am on stop the body from producing uric acid. Certainly not the life I chose nor wanted but I can make the right choices and live a pretty good life still. Funny how life appears one way then a small twist or turn and it flips the script on you. Soon I will have the results of my MRI and I will be able to truly relax knowing they have run tests and scans etc and we know what we are dealing with and nothing else has popped up....

Birthday Sexiness & Kiddie Fun!

2011-01-22T13:39:00.000-08:00

My hubby in his new coat (from his mom)

Too Bad They Seem To Be On A Losing Streak!

SNOW!

More SNOW!

Reminds me of the Baileys Commercial....

Fresh Snow!

My Niece Thinks Snow is Sand!

She LOVES to PAINT!

Doesn't quite get that one brush can be used for all colours

Thank God for FINGERPAINT!

Kids have such incredible imaginations!

Photos of Fall in Ontario

2010-10-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day - Light a candle to create a wave of light across the world

2010-10-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

Fun up North

2010-08-12T19:24:00.000-07:00

Canada Day Weekend 2010

2010-07-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

We celebrated Canada Day by blowing up a small part of it! ;)

Canada Day weekend we spent up in God's country amazing nature animals and right on the water. We truly had the time of our lives... here are some pictures we took.

Some random pictures I took while on a drive and a few flowers from my garden..

2010-06-29T17:56:00.000-07:00

So much to say....

2010-06-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

Where do I start? Today is the 4 year anniversary of the birth of my daughters. Hard to imagine it's been 4 years .. where has the time gone!? Ironically so much has happened in the past 4 years. Both good and bad. I am lucky enough to have a niece and a nephew now and they are truly the light of my life. Due to my extreme kidney problems I will be unable to have a child. I am 34 years old and that was one of the most devastating doctor appointments I have ever had. My kidneys are both functioning at 25% and as time goes by they are getting progressively worse and I will eventually need to go on dialysis and or get a kidney transplant. There is no possibility of me carrying a pregnancy and not being on dialysis during the pregnancy and the doctors have insisted I not even try any more. Sadly that will be the end of the journey down the winding path of infertility. From now on it will only be the winding path of Auntiedom. I love being an aunt it fills a part of my heart that was left empty. It in no way shape or form replaces the hole my daughters left. Nothing ever will. When my niece hugs me or says something to me that makes me laugh it gives me a feeling of happiness I thought I would never know. When my nephew crawls over to where I am sitting I am almost in tears because it's so amazing. I imagine these kids will never know how much I love them or understand why but they keep me going. So this means my blog will now be changing. I won't put any pictures up of the kids because I am not their parents and it's not my place to show them. I love photography so I will be changing this blog to more of a place to display my photographs and stories. I will change the layout and template design of the blog but it is really still me.

UPDATE

2010-05-05T17:46:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a long time since I posted and I apologize. SOOO much to tell so little space to write. HA HA! What a life... certainly and undeniably not the one I thought I would have but at the end of the day this is the hand I was dealt. I have the most amazing niece and nephew. They really do fill the void in my heart that I have. Maybe not all the way but alot of the way. Everytime I hear my niece say Auntie I swear to you I feel my heart actually stop beating for just a moment and my nephew who may only be 6 months but already has me wrapped around his fingers.... It has been 2 weeks without them because I have been sick and I miss them so much. My sister sends me a picture of them and I see how big they are already!!!! They are just beyond adorable. OK you get it I know Heart filled.

In the wonderful world of infertility nothing has changed. I have an appointment with my kidney specialist and that is where my focus is right now but thank you to all who have sent me messages and asked. I am so touched that people care.

My Nephew is HERE & I am on a journey.......

2009-11-19T18:32:00.000-08:00

The day I had dreaded for the past 10 months came on Monday... an almost 10lb baby boy!
My sister who has also had to deal with infertility and miscarriages gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever had the privlige of seeing... I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle seeing a baby, holding a baby, being around a baby. I thought my entire world would crash and I would never recover. This is the first baby I have held since my girls... and even though it's been over 3 years it is still something that hurts and something that sticks with you. I walked into the hospital with my niece and all I could think about was don't fall apart in front of your sister. She just went through a hellish labour... The moment I saw him and held him in my arms I melted like a chocolate bar in the microwave.... My heart literally stopped he is just so perfect and so beautiful and those feelings and sadness dissapeared. This little boy has stolen my heart. I have a nephew... someone new I can spoil and play with. My sister who is my new hero. I cannot tell you how terrible her labour was lets just leave at my hero... Like singing "have I ever told you your my hero? You're everything I would like to be!! LOL Think Bette, red hair and beaches ;) I was lucky enough to see this little boy twice in one day... perfect and innocent and BIG did I mention he was almost 10lbs!?? Queue that hero song again... LOL! I am working through my issues but now I have something great something wonderful in my life and I am thankful for that.

On another note I am on a 40 day journey. This is an amazing journey, a spiritual journey through a book which helping me try to figure out my purpose here on earth. I highly reccommend it.... It is a different kind of book and it is extremely religious but it gives me alot to think about. Sometimes you sit and wonder why am I here? What is my purpose.... this book is helping me realize that there may be more to my life than the fact that I am barren. Every night you read a chapter... Each chapter you learn a new lesson and each chapter I realize I have so much I need to think about. There is a life outside of being a mommy... if you talk to MOST mommys they want something outside of being a mommy and I am looking to just be a mommy. Funny how life is. I am trying to focus on being a better person.. and not focus on what I don't have and can't have but instead on what I do have... like my beautiful niece and my brand new perfect little nephew. Both are blessings not just to their parents but also to me. I hope that they will grow up knowing that I will always be there for them for whatever they need.
Please join me in congratulations to my sister and her family on their perfect new addition to their family!

In Rememberance..............

2009-10-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight in rememberance of not only my girls but every baby lost I lit my 2 candles. Here are some pictures. I like to think about what it would look like from heaven all these candles lit across the world. I think all our children in heaven are smiling tonight knowing we still remember them and long for them. There is not one second of one minute of one day that I don't think about them. You would like to think 3 years later that your heart doesn't ache or that your grief is gone. Sadly its not and it hasn't. This day is to be not selfish and only remember or think about my own loss but to have every other person's loss in my memory as well. Today I rememebered for everyone.

Wave of Light for October 15th

2009-10-14T17:58:00.000-07:00

Thank you in advance for lighting a candle in memory of all our angels

Paging Dr Kelly....

2009-10-12T18:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday while driving home from my inlaws my husband and I were having a conversation about our past and regrets we have. He said the funniest thing to me. He said I should go back to school and become a Doctor. Ya a 33 year old going through school to be a Doctor... thats almost funny. IRONICALLY... that is one of MY regrets. That I wasted so much time and money and having nothing so show for it... I would have much rathered gone to school and became a Doctor. I would have loved to have done that... instead. He asked me if I was a Doctor what my specialty would have been... What is really funny is I didn't even have to think about it. I would want to work in the neonatology area with children... but anyone who knows me knows that would be the world's worst idea.... I tend to become attached to people so imagine how attached I would become to a sick baby or their families. That would be bad but at the same time I would get to spend time with children and since I don't get to have that here at home.... I wonder... He also mentioned to me his regret... a job he always wanted. Funny the conversations you have. For the record I encouraged him to try his.. I think like most things in my life.. again its too late for mine. Maybe I can be the world's oldest candy striper? HA HA! I sure wish this was one of the things that the psychic mentioned to me all those years ago.. instead of setting me up for a heartbreak and colossal waste of money and time.

Existing vs Living?

2009-09-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

I saw something on Dr Oz today that made me think. Are you living or are you existing? If God forbid the worst happens to you... do you something to live for... something to hold on to? It's a totally human thing to think about isn't it? What is true happiness? Is happiness sitting in front of the tv, watching everything on the television or pvr'd? Spending time playing video games or hanging out with hubby? Is that truly living? Or is it just existing? What defines existing vs living? I feel like a teacher.. today class this is your homework.. determine whether you are existing or just living.... LOL! Tell me your thoughts....

2009-08-26T17:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't made a comment in a long time. For that I am sorry. There have been lots of things going on and I don't even know where to start. My sister is expecting a boy in November she is over 7 months now and definitely showing. My little nephew is growing and it is going to be a big change for all of us. I am looking forward to becoming an aunt again. It really is an exciting time.

We went to the local Pearl Jam concert last week. We had alot of fun... amazing concert. It is so nice to escape every once in a while. I love feeling free of all burdens and just letting go and enjoying ourselves. There really is nothing like it. I highly reccommend going to a concert and just jumping up and down and pounding a fist in the air and screaming and singing along with the band.. whatever the band. Very freeing!

An emotional day.........

2009-06-24T17:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was 3 years ago we went for our big ultrasound and discovered that Grace was gone, but also that they were girls. A truly bittersweet moment. Ironically yesterday my sister had her "big ultrasound" and although we all thought she was having a girl.. it showed she is having a BOY! I cannot believe it and I am in total shock! It was an odd day because I am thrilled for her but sad for me at the same time. What helped was that they went to celebrate and we spent the evening babysitting my niece who is 4 and a BALL OF ENERGY! She loves playing in my house and we love having her around. She went upstairs to the room where my girls reside.. and grabbed a teddy bear and was playing with it.. I honestly didn't want her to play with it but I really don't say no to her too much so I let her. This teddy bear was a gift from the funeral home when I cremated my girls so it is very special to me. She took it outside and insisted it sit on the patio chair (see pic below) and anywhere she went to play she had to bring it with her. In fact the funniest thing happened. We were out the front playing and she ran back to the backyard... I couldn't figure out why I chased her down and she said I couldn't leave the teddy alone in the backyard he has to be with us. I try not to see signs I try not think about things... but I am wondering if my girls were telling her to play with the teddy almost like a sign that they know I am thinking about them and that they are ok with her being my surrogate replacement for them since we clearly have nothing. Maybe I am just wanting to believe it but it kinda makes me smile and anything that makes me smile.... is a good thing in my book. This weekend marks the 3rd anniversary of worst day of my life... the birth of my girls. I cannot believe its been 3 years and I cannot beleive that it still hurts so much. Only love can hurt that deeply. So to all you women out there.. hug your children rub your pregnant bellies and realize you have a gift some can only dream of...

I wrote this poem... I have moments when words just come to me... this was one of them.

THREE YEARS

Three years of sadness, three years of pain,

Three years of teardrops falling like rain,

Three years of anger bitterness and fear

Three years of wishing & prayin you were still here

Three years of hope and faith torn apart

Three years of walking around with a broken heart

Three years of asking and wondering why

Three years of wishing we never had to say goodbye

Three years of memories taken away from me

Three years of wondering why its not meant to be

Three years of prayers that were all in vein

Three years closer to holding you again

Shellie-Marie Kelly

3 years................................

2009-06-14T18:17:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe that 3 years ago I was looking forward to my 30th birthday pregnant and expecting twins. Harder to belive that 3 years later we are still "waiting" for that magical moment to repeat itself. I never imagined that I would be 33 and not have any children. All I have ever wanted out of my life was my own children. On the eve of my birthday it seems to me to be bittersweet... I try not to think too much about the fact that if things had worked out differently I would have almost 3 year old girls running around the house.. and life would be so much more different. I have decisions to make about what the future holds for us fertility wise but that is a story for another time. I follow many blogs and I am very happy for all of you that have been successful. I worry about posting my thoughts and emotions because I never want to take away from the happiness those who are successful feel... even if it does feel like a knife to the heart of those of us who aren't successful. The good news is that there aren't many of us left out of the group who haven't been successful so that is truly good news.

Alternate realities, Coma, AF and a new pregnancy!

2009-05-17T17:10:00.001-07:00

SOO much to say!!

I am not sure if any of you watch a show called Fringe... but the finale was awesome... The best part the part that got me was that there was an alternate version of this reality.. basically same world different results. I started thinking about it.. wouldn't it be amazing if that were true? We could just travel to the alternate reality and take things and bring them back here. I would bring back my girls and right the wrong from this world. In case you didn't see the finale I don't want to put up what happened... suffice to say I am loving the idea!! The other thought that I have had lately was that this life, this shitty waste of a life that I am living is really only a dream..... I am really in a coma and this hell yes that is what I am thinking this is.. HELL... is all just a figment of my imagination... like your mind putting all your fears and nightmares in one place. How I wish that were true.... I know its not but that would make so much more sense. I am trying to not be filled with anger and jealousy and hurt at all the crap I have to go through. I am fighting my own demons and I will win... but I would really like to know is this for real? All this pain and hurt and sadness is it really something that I just have to suffer through as a test to achieve my goal or is it just the way life is going to be for me? I must have been someone worse than Hitler in my past life to have to go through all this in this one.
On a positive note.... AF FINALLY CAME 10 months late but its here... I don't even want to tell you about the cramps and the heavy and I do mean HEAVYNESS of it! It snuck up on me and I have mixed emotions about it. Yes I am happy to know I am not going through menopause.. that is a great thing. But now I need to really TRY TRY TRY TRY and that is BD BD BD BD! You know once it leaves! Can you really say you spent the last 10 months "trying" when you didn't have a period? I am just not sure... seems like a huge waste of time doesn't it!? i AM NOT GIVING UP! I AM JUST NOT READY TO DO THAT YET! I wonder though will I ever be?
OK on another positive note... My sister has finally reached her second trimester which means this pregnancy is sticking. I am thrilled for her and ask for you to all send her your good thoughts and prayers. After 8 miscarriages it finally worked for her. This is great news and I thought it would be nice to end the blog on a positive note. ;)

Mothers Day

2009-05-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

I apologize for being a bad blogger... sometimes its just that there is nothing worth while to say.
First of all whether you are a new mom and old mom a mom of a child here on earth or a child in heaven I wish you all a very happy mother's day. I know very well how heartbreaking mothers day is when you are here but your child(ren) are not. You want that moment so badly and you hate that others are lucky enough to have those moments with their children... then you hate yourself for feeling that way. I feel your pain I feel your frustration and for those of you that are newly pregnant or have little ones enjoy these moments and cherish them, for there are many of us out there who will never have those moments. Take care of yourselves.

I found this wonderful poem that really sums it up for those of us that don't have our children here on earth.

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.
~ by Jody Seilheimer ~

Happily Ever After.....

2009-04-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

Happily ever after... I sat and watched a movie last night... made of honour.. Your typical chick flick... leaves you feeling like something is missing in your life. I started thinking of how the day I got married I had those butterflies and those incredible thoughts and feelings.. the thoughts of how wonderful the future will be and how naive I really was back then. You stand in front of God and your families promising to stay together through thick and through thin till death do you part. What happens when the tough times come? DO you ever really think about what you will do when the worst thing happens? When the tough times come? You think, you want to believe that love your LOVE will be enough and will pull you through it all. The reality is that it won't its your faith that will. I don't just mean faith in the biblical sense.. although a little of that won't hurt either. Faith that the person you love the person you married in front of God and all your friends is who you need and who you want who will stick with you through all the tough times and they won't turn and leave when things get tough. They will be your strength and help you become a better person because it was meant to be and your faith in each other and your love for one another will be enough to pull you back from the depths of despair. There are so many tests, deaths, births, heartaches, those damn emotions are so difficult to control. You hurt in ways you never thought possible because you love this person, they would never do anything to hurt you... at least not intentionally. The truth is that when you fall in love you let your feelings and emotions cloud your better judgement and your lust because really alot of love is made up of lust... fool you into believing that nothing can ever tear you apart or break you up. When you feel lonely or sad this person will be there to pick you up and help you out, make everything better. What happens when that is all gone and you are stuck. Do you fight and hope the person changes or do you turn your back on all you believed was right? Do you lose your faith and your hope? Is there something that can heal a broken heart? How do you know when enough is enough and its time to accept it? How dare these movies make everything look like its all happily ever after when really its more unhappily ever after... More like how much heartbreak and dissapointment can a marriage take? Let the truth be known sometimes LOVE isn't enough.... sometimes love is not all flowers and roses its hard work and its heartache!!

At the end of the tunnel is there a light or is it just dimming slowly?

2009-04-06T18:05:00.001-07:00

Have you ever wondered what life would be like 10 years into your marriage? Well I always thought that we would be happily married with 2 kids and a house. Reality is a cruel bitch! 10 years married and we have spent the better part of our 10 year marriage trying to have a baby and going through infertility treatments. I fear that now we have to accept the truth... we cannot have children and must scrap the plans we had but the question remains can we survive just the two of us? Is there really life after unsuccessful TTC? I want to say that we can and there is but I am starting to fear that is no thte case. I have lost all interest in BD or any kind of D!! He is miserable and therefore I am miserable... I am scared that without children we will soon realize that we have nothing in common anymore and will grow apart. After everything we have been through I have always thought and believed we could overcome anything and jump any obstacle but I am just not that sure anymore. I think about our future and I am not seeing that happy future I always had seen before, I am scared to even think about how lonely our future is going to be. I have always had hope.. I believe there is still hope but what is really scary is that lately I have been having some very odd things going on with my body. I am having hot flashes and moodiness and NO and I mean TMI HERE LADIES ...... NO LIBIDO! Get away from me isn't even close to what I feel... I hate my life... it is total crap.. i have crappy feelings and feeling of dread and sadness constantly! I do have a dr appt this week because I have had an MIA AF for the past 7 or 8 months... so I am thinking that has something to do with it (lack of AF), maybe its a hormone thing . BUT I am worried that I am going through perimenopause. IF I go through menopause I have nothing left... no hope.. no faith nothing. There is nothing in this world more scary to me than that...

Earth Hour

2009-03-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post cause I had to show a few pics of how I spent Earth Hour. I think it is so funny that for an hour ONE HOUR a year... people can't shut off the lights. I know this is really gonna shock all of you... but EVEN I shut off the TV!! I sat for an hour and read a magazine. Caught up on my gossip... just a couple months late!!! I hope you all spent earth hour in the dark as well. What would Earth Hour be without me taking pictures!!!

Secrets........................

2009-03-26T19:06:00.000-07:00

Some days my secrets are shown right across my face... other days I am able to hide it.

BUT I have a secret for you...

People ask me constantly how I moved on and how I was able to get up everyday

Here is the answer.

Life is unbelievable, it thows you curves and gives you a future you never saw and never wanted. You sit and cry most nights and your heartache grows with every new pregnancy announced and every baby you see. Today I was driving home from work listening to some great "screamy music" Linkin Park! I was sitting at a red light.... and there in front of me was amom in a minivan and you could literally see her losing her mind.. the kids were obviously fighting and she was doing her best to get them to behave... and all I could think of... is I will never have that moment. Never have to say "don't make me turn this car around" or "don't make me come back there" I think that people really take all these moments for granted while people like us sit there and die a little inside at the thought of missing out. So how do I move on how do I get up everyday. I have hope. Hope that there is more to this life... that people and doctors are wrong. Aside from that... I have just stopped caring! My husband and I used to have the biggest fights we would scream and throw things... ok I would throw things.. but still it was so passionate. The problem is that I just don't care anymore. You always think worst case scenario well for me... worst case scenario already happened. What could be worse.... what could be worse than having your dreams ripped out of you.. waking every day wondering if today is the day that your babies will die inside of you. Losing them and going through horrendous labour and holding your dead babies in your arms. I ask you what can be worse? A stupid fight about sex or money? Not bloody likely! I feel like I am just dead inside.... emotionally. I am really good at acting. I spend all day at work working my ass off and making jokes and putting on a great show. The truth is if I had my choice I would never get out of bed again. I would lock myself in my house because it is my safe zone. Noone can hurt me in here. I am not forced to be fake here, I don't have to deal with people and their babies and their happy little lives. I don't have to pretend here. Here I can be real. Here I am who I am and to hell with anyone and everyone else. How 3 years later it is possible to still feel so raw and torn apart is beyond my comprehension but I do. I miss what could have been.... I miss what should have been. I wonder if I can sustain this marriage... this life without being a mom. I fear that I can't.

2009-03-18T17:55:00.001-07:00

As I sit here and drink my glass of wine from a box that has been in my fridge since before Christmas... I am thinking to myself how funny life is. How things happen that you never expected and how short life can be, how full of surprises both good and bad, how 3 years later you can still shed tears for hours at just the thought of something sad that changed your life forever and how the other side fo the spectum things can make you smile and laugh like never before. For those who don't know me I am an addict. I have a real problem... but its not one you are thinking.. I am addicted to televeision. I PVR approximately 50hours a week! FIFTY HOURS! People call me TV guide. AND to make matters worse while I am watching TV at night or on weekends (cause when else can you possibly catch up on it?) I am on the computer catching up on blogs, gossip. tweeting or facebook. Why do I do this you ask? Well I think that its my version of an escape. Some of the shows are sad or mysterious... others make me laugh right out loud and yet others are medical and I feel like I am learning.... Do you ever think of your life and wish you could have a do-over? I wish I could do over my entire life!! There are very very few things that I wouldn't change. There are some people in my life that I would die without so I believe thy are in my life for a reason. They are both friends and family! (in case you were wondering) It is a truly amazing world that we are living in and to think that we are all only here for one lifetime and some of us are made to suffer through unheardof moments.. .moments that would rip your heart right out of your body and yet you still survive... you still find a way to continue on. Just seems so unfair doesn't it? I never ever imagined that my life would be what it is. I never thought for one second that I would not be a mother. I always believed it in my heart.... to tell you the truth I think a big part of me still believes I will be even though I have been told different. It is all I ever wanted.. since I was a little girl and played mommy.... It is just not a truth I can accept. I never will... I can imagine sitting in my rocking chair rocking back and forth with grey hair and my husband sitting right next to me..... and still believing I will be a mom. I think as women we take it for granted that it is just something that will happen. FOr many of us MANY MANY of us an increasing number of us... it won't happen without help. It may not happen at all.... For those of us in Ontario Canada they are having a march. A march on Mothers day where all people like "us" are going to push empty strollers to Queens Park to demand that they pay for infertility treatments... the very thought of it both excites and terrifies me. For those who are in the area.. please do it... I think that it is a great idea.
http://www.conceivabledreams.org/cd/mdm.html I encourage anything that makes the government realize this is becoming a real problem, an epidemic!

Guess Who!?

2009-03-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

Can you guess who this is? Unbelievable that they are aging this character! My niece loves her and I am just not sure how much she will be able to do? You may not recognize her since she doesn't have a backpack or boots! OOPS did I give it away? What do you think? Alot of parents are in an uproar about it! I think its kinda funny but odd at the same time!
Thank you for the messages I received yesterday as always I am touched and I am amazed at the support I continue to get from you. You are all amazing women!! I love each and every one of you. Thank you! I have really been surrounded lately by compassion and love and mostly from people who don't really know me. You really start to see who you can count on and who can show you a love like none other.

WARNING EMOTIONAL BLOG WARNING!!!!

2009-03-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

OK so maybe its that time of year or hormones or just me but if I hear one more word about Ms. Octomom I may hurt someone! I don't care that she hasn't had sex in 8 years... funny 16 kids and no sex.. no the irony is not lost on me!! No I don't care that she went and spent $1000 on makeup and I especially don't care that she had an exciting weekend! People stop giving this woman the time of day! You are just giving her what she wants.... Ignore her and she will go away! SHE IS NOT A CELEBRITY!

OK so I am becoming what I hate the most a bitter battered broken uterus bitch! Sorry but I have the right to be miserable and sad and be jealous that some people are just so damn lucky and fertile meanwhile there are those of us out there who are unable to bear our own children or have cracked eggs. Yup that is me cracked eggs.... OK I warned you that I am miserable... I have days where all I want to do is CRY! I have days that I sit and wonder why the hell I am even alive.. because really what is the point!? But I still find a way to carry on and live another day. I am so broken hearted over children with cancer. It truly kills me to even think about it (yes Tuesday is still on my mind) There are so many little angels that my heart breaks in two literally in two. I spent yesterday watching Jon & Kate episodes.. there is this one episode where they gave back and showed all these kids with cancer... I finished watching the show and was still bawling my eyes out... I ran upstairs and all I wanted to do was hold my girls.. What a stupid thing. What a stupid thing to forget for just a moment you don't have children. I cried for over an hour.. these poor children and their families what hell they must be going through. Even Tuesday's mom she posted the other day how unfair it is that her kids make pancakes without their sister and you just think of how precious time is. How sad life must be for this woman... and her identical sister, will she even remember her sister?
Sisters - what a great segway! My sister who if she was any closer to me these days would be surgically attached to my side... (WHICH I LOVE!!!!!!!!- see above for reasons to live) has been through her own version of hell lately.. 6 miscarriages and she lost her latest just a little while ago... her af went MIA went for an U/S today and wouldn't you know it... she is expecting again! FUCKING FERTILE MYRTLE!! I love her! I am thrilled for her!! Unbelievable how things turn out. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers that this one WILL STICK AROUND FOR 9 MONTHS! We don't even know how far along she is technically... I believe its around 4 weeks... I know that people think I am completely insane... completely and totally but I love TV. I think I PVR around 50 hours a week... it is my escape from reality. I love it! There are some absolutely AMAZING television shows on the tube these days. It is so hilarious that 1/4 of the shows are comedies... the rest are mostly medical shows. Monday nights are my LAUGH FEST! I laugh out loud so frequently! I highly recommend it to everyone!
I think I have gone through the gammit of emotions through this post! Sorry for that...Hopefully that means my 7 month "dry spell" is ending soon! Emotions are a sign of PMS right?? At least for some women!??
Lastly I want to send a special thought and prayer out to K and Niki I am really thinking of you tonight.. I hope that this is all over with soon and you can move on to the next phase. virtual hugs to you!! Have a margarita for me! (or 10)

OOOO and yes we saw Watchmen! LOTS OF "Little Blue" lots of big blue! HA HA! I loved the movie with or without male frontal nudity... cause really nothing to write home about! LOL!

2009-03-10T16:50:00.000-07:00

Scentsy Giveaway

Lynn from Scentsy Wickless Candles recently hosted a giveaway on STL Mommy for a Scentsy warmer and set of Scentsy bars. We are happy to announce that the lucky winner is Selina!
Lynn had so much fun hosting her first giveaway on STL Mommy that she wanted to host another giveaway for all of you!
If you haven't seen Scentsy Candles before they are wickless candles that are safe for you family. The do not release any lead, soot, or wax released into the air that you breath. The wax also is a low melt, similar to a paraffin bath, which doesn't get hot enough to burn anyone.
Scentsy offers many products: Scentsy Bars, Warmers, Plug-In Warmers, Scentsy Bricks, Room Sprays, Car Candles, and Discounted Multi-Packs. If you want to host a Scentsy Party or become a Scentsy Consultant contact Lynn for more information.
Lynn is offering 1 STL Mommy Reader a Scentsy Plug in Warmer and Scentsy bar of their choice!Want to Win? Here's How:*Go to Scentsy then come back and leave a comment telling me your favorite Scentsy Plug-In. You can easily leave a comment by clicking on comments on the bottom right corner of this post!*You can gain a second entry by Subscribing to STL Mommy.*You can gain a third entry by adding my button to your blog or Myspace account. You can also add me to your Facebook or Twitter account and it does count if you added me in the past.*You can gain a fourth by posting this giveaway on your blog, myspace, twitter, or facebook account. Please leave me the link.*You can gain a fifth entry by e-mailing this giveaway to 5 of your friends. Just remember to send me a copy of the e-mail!The giveaway will end April 5th at 5pm.
I will pick the winner through random generator. Please leave your e-mail in this format so I can contact you if you are the winner!stlmommy (at) gmail (dot) com* Please check out my other giveaways!
Don't Miss a Thing! Subscribe NOW!

the "Ethical Treatment of Human Embryos Act," LOAD OF CRAP!

2009-03-04T18:21:00.000-08:00

OK WHERE ARE ALL THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW THIS IS WRONG!??

This is a clear case of people who are allowing their religious opinions to push through their own agenda! Each person is an individual case!!!! Please don't allow this to go though its a slippery slope people should not be governing this and how dare they even try!? I understand people's opinions of the "octomom" are what they are and they have raw nerves about this WHOLE situation but lets let cooler heads prevail! Below is the article from CNN.

PLEASE Send a message to the senators found below (bottom right side is the form)

Georgia Senate Bill 169

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=219

Georgia 'Octomom bill' would limit embryo implants
Story Highlights
Georgia state senator says bill was inspired by "Octomom" Nadya Suleman
Bill would limit women under 40 to two embryos, women 40 or older to three
Critics call it a backdoor effort to outlaw abortions in the state
Bill faces long odds of passing because of timing in Georgia legislature

ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) -- The tabloid-friendly tale of the California "Octomom" continues to stir debate -- this time 2,000 miles away in the Georgia state capitol, where lawmakers say they're trying to prevent a repeat.

Proposed legislation regulating in-vitro practices came after Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets.

A Georgia state senator introduced legislation to limit the number of embryos that can be implanted in a woman's uterus during in-vitro fertilization procedures.
Sen. Ralph Hudgens, a Republican from near Athens, Georgia, said his legislation was inspired by Nadya Suleman, the woman who said she gave birth to octuplets after being fertilized with six embryos -- an unusually high number.
"She is not married," said Hudgens. "She is unemployed, she is on government assistance and now she is going to put those 14 children on the back of the taxpayers in the state of California."
Suleman, 33, had six children before the procedure.
Hudgens' plan, which was co-sponsored by several other senators, would limit the number of embryos a doctor could implant to two for women under 40 years old and three for women 40 or older.
Those numbers are slightly less than what's considered the norm in medical circles.
Don't Miss
Six embryos?! How to avoid a fertility fiasco
Extreme multiple births carry tremendous risks
Commentary: Are eight babies more than enough?
The American Society for Reproductive Medicine recommends no more than two embryos for women under 35 years old and no more than five for women over 40. The reason for allowing more embryos in women over 40 is that it is more difficult for them to get pregnant.
State lawmakers in Missouri are considering a similar bill. And England and Italy have had similar limits on the books for years.
At least some fertility doctors say the limits in Hudgens' bill would hurt chances for women to get pregnant. They say that while three embryos are usually enough, there are special cases when they need more.
"What this bill will effectively do is shut us down," said Dr. Daniel Shapiro, a fertility doctor in Atlanta. "Patients seeking reproductive care in Georgia will go to Tennessee or South Carolina or Alabama. They will just leave."
Breaking the law would carry a fine of up to $1,000 under the legislation.
Some critics of the plan also see another problem, calling it a backdoor effort to outlaw abortions in the state.
The bill, which Hudgens titled the "Ethical Treatment of Human Embryos Act," contains language that says "a living in vitro human embryo is a biological human being who is not the property of any person or entity."
The anti-abortion group Georgia Right to Life issued a news release in support of the bill on the day it was introduced.
"Georgia Right to Life supports Sen. Hudgens in this legislation and wants to see strong protections in place to stop the dangerous practice of implanting more embryos than is medically recommended," the group said, saying the plan would help avoid premature births and low birth weight in in-vitro fertilization cases.
Realistically, the bill faces long odds of passing -- at least in the near future. Tuesday was Day 25 of the Georgia legislature's 40-day session. Legislators will meet 10 more days, then take a break until June, when lawmakers will consider how money flowing to the state from the federal economic-stimulus plan may help their ongoing budget woes.
According the the Georgia legislature's Web site on Tuesday, Hudgens' bill had been read and assigned to a committee, but no other action had taken place.
Some Georgians from the lawmaker's part of the state say they hope he has to keep waiting for a long time.
"Unless the senator is a physician, ethicist or other informed professional, he should step aside and let the medical professionals determine what is best in individual cases," Dorothy West wrote in a letter to the editor of the Athens Banner-Herald, Hudgens' hometown paper. "There are other issues more important to the citizens of Georgia that should be addressed."

Weapons of Mass Seduction

2009-03-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

I am a pig. I admit it. I cannot wait till Watchmen is out on Friday and I get to see Dr Manhatten (the blue guy) his naughty bits dangling in the breeze!!! WHAT AN AMAZING day Friday will be. A great movie and a show! HA HA! We have been really looking forward to the movie for it seems like YEARS! I hope I am not dissapointed but hey frontal nudity is a great way to make the time pass... LOL! Yes I know he is creepy and BLUE!!!! Its a stupid post but a funny post! A little laugh for Monday! ;)

http://6minutestomidnight.com/

Hysteroscopic Embryo Implantation

2009-02-25T17:10:00.000-08:00

IMPLANTATION!? I know what you are thinking... TRANSFER!!! Listen to this man describe it.. he is implanting it!!!??

Had to share! No wonder she got pregnant!!! Very intresting 70% higher!? WHere do I sign up!?????????

I had to share this video..... yes he is apparently the reproduction endocrinologist for Nadya Sulemann but very interesting... could this be the future of IVF???

http://www.obgyn.net/conference-coverage/conference-coverage.asp?page=ASRM2002/ASRM2002_kamrava&newsletter=090225

I am a walking talking disaster!

2009-02-23T17:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I woke up and stumbled about and slammed not bumped... SLAMMED, RAMMED SMASHED my foot into the wooden bedframe..... I let out such a loud yell I am surprised the neighbours didn't call the police! It hurt like hell and the pain shot right up my leg and into my head (swear to God!) I started limping around shortly after that so I knew it was sore and badly hurt... got dressed and got in the car to go to my mother in law's house for her birthday.... and we were just about to drive off and my hubby says O the cell phone is on the counter can you go back in and grab it? Sure I said... I got to the door and thought holy shit I have to take my boots off... It took forever to get my boot on my foot and it was shear pain just getting it in there... now I have to take it off again. A HA! I will just take off the one boot that is fine and hop over with the other boot on (there is snow on the ground where we live so my boots are wet) So I hop over and grab my phone and I am just about to step down on to the garage floor when I lose my footing and slam my GOOD foot into the floor... the concrete floor... So I scream another scream... HOLY SHIT in just a few short hours I have now smashed 2 toes!!! I go to my mother in laws place and spend the day doing things but all the while my toes are just throbbing. When we finally get home I show my hubby my feet. The pinky toe on the right foot is just completely black and purple on top sides and underneath... I am sure its broken. The toe beside the big toe is also purple but only on the top half and the bottom half is black.. .perhaps also broken... Today my feet were still sore and I was feeling ok so I went outside and walked a bit... good news is that I can wear another pair of boots I own without excrutiating pain. (hooray) I come home and decide to do a load of laundry I am limping up the steps to the second floor and talking to myself... still feeling like a total moron about smashing 2 toes in one day and what do I do?? I ram my pinky toe (that was already broken perhaps) into the tide box on the floor... new tide box.. hard tide box... I scream so loud the cat runs away from me and hides. WOW WHAT A STUPID PERSON I HAVE BECOME! THEN not 3 hours later AGAIN I am doing laundry and I am bending down under the cupboards in the laundry room and get up fast and crack my head on the bottom of the cupboard... I scream so loud and start having a freaking fit at my stupidity! Good thing I have a hard head!!! HA HA! My GOD WHAT A FREAKING COUPLE OF DAYS!!!!! My feet are killing me my head is killing me and the medicine that soothes my pain is alcohol.. I would love to tell you I was drunk when all this occurred but sorry I WAS STONE COLD SOBER! S O B E R ! ! ! What a life!

2009-02-21T11:28:00.001-08:00

Faker!

2009-02-05T15:07:00.001-08:00

I have a confession to make. I am a fake. Almost 3 years ago I died and the person you now see before you emerged. She spends all day pretending things are fine and her life is perfect and she is happy. In actual reality I am faking it. I want a baby that didn't change when I lost my girls. That doesn't change because my last ditch effort failed and I cannot have children. These wants and needs and desires and pain just don't dissapear. I moved forward with my life, left my past in the past and I tried I mean really tried to move on. I don't want to forget what happened it is a part of me... some days I think its all of me. I still think of them all the time, I still miss them all the time and I still need them ALL THE TIME! I am supposed to make an appointment with my nephrologist to be put on some new drugs, drugs that may prolong my "quality of life" hopefully push back the possibility that I may be on dialysis in the future. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. Because going there means that its real that I cannot have a baby, I cannot be a mom and frankly I would rather die than ever accept that possibility. AF has been MIA for over 5 months now so its not like we can even accidentally get pregnant (no af no egg = no baby)
The life I now live is a life filled with my desperate attempts to be happy. I took on more work at the office to keep myself busy (you know idle hands....) It doesn't work... FYI.
I have a cat, he is about 14 years old and he is my little sweetheart. He is big, black and white fluffy and biggest suck you ever met.... Last night I came home to a very sick puddy tat... it scared me... he is very sick liquid poo fur missing.. I didn't want to think about losing him because he is my tether... he keeps me in mommy mode... he loves to be held and rocked and cuddled and caressed. He loves when I scoop him up in my arms and hold him like that baby I cannot have. If I lose him thats it. I promised my husband the next time he got sick that I would just let him die at home... and not take him to the vet. I do not want him to suffer but it is just soo expensive for tests and procedures. He is 14 he has lead a great life and he is very loved..... Today I sat there and I watched him today go from bad to worse... and then I decided to give him a great meal. He is on a special diet but I figured if its his last day on earth I would make it special.... the way I would have for my girls if I knew their time was going to be up. I opened an actual tin of Tuna and gave it to him. He was so happy to have real food. THen he just sat in my arms all day and cuddled with me. I cannot believe it but he is better.... at least he seems better. He is purring and cuddles into my arms happily all snug as a bug in a rug. Thank goodness today didn't end the way I thought it would. Thank God I know that when its his time I will have the strength to care for him the way he needs me to. Thank God he is OK... if only just for another day.

I found this story on another blog and I just loved it so much I had to post it and share. What a wonderful thought.

The Story of the Dragonfly

Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions.Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was dead, gone forever.Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top.When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed.Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life!

Author - Unknown

I stayed silent......................

2009-02-02T18:30:00.000-08:00

I stayed silent as long as I could most of my friends won't even broach the subject with me... probably best considering that I have been through fertility treatments and IVF. This nonsense with this woman who had the EIGHT babies at one time... apparently through IVF... although I have no idea what Dr in his right mind would do that transfer EIGHT at once is beyond me. I will preface this with IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF she really doesn't have a husband/job/house or money and with SIX kids previously from IVF... there is no way that this was the right way to handle things. Any woman who has been through fertility treatments knows they debate putting back 2 or 3 certainly not EIGHT! That is IF you are lucky enough to make that many embryos or they are lucky enough to survive the thaw. Personally something is missing in this equation... How can she afford to pay for the treatments? Where did the sperm come from? Where is this I will put back 8 embryos inside you (expecially when you already have 6 form IVF--therefore proving it works for you) Why would you subject yourself to that knowing that there is a possibility of eight? You put back 2 you aways realize that there is a possibility of 2! Lets put aside the mother lets focus on the kids instead..... She has 6 kids under the age of 7. How do you care for these kids and go to school and pay for fertility treatments? Then on top of that you have 8 more kids to feed/clothe/school? These kids are not at fault. They are just babies that were brought into the world by selfishness... be it a doctor or the mother... Noone understands the internal want and need for children. YOU HAVE SIX! SIX! IVF already worked for you. Why spend money on treatments and or fertility drugs when you have SIX already. Hey if you want to have kids I get that. I really do.. I am in the category of people who want kids so badly but can't have any. So I hate hearing that people cannot have children and I don't begrudge people from having children but be responsible. Think of the children! People need to cool it and relax with the hatred. I think more investigation needs to be done before we go into the blame game. For now we get to be greatful and thankful 8 more healthy children were born... and pray they stay that way. Noone should have to suffer through the loss of a child.

Second Last Day of Vacation

2009-01-08T19:02:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is my last day of vacation.... I am sad to see it end but I sadly miss my friends at work. Isn't that pathetic? I have loved my time off with my husband... we have had alot fun and smiled and laughed more than usual.. It's been great. It sucks we go back to work and the daily grind comes back and so does the misery. I do not want this year to be the same old same old. I want to have more fun and smile and laugh and just do things I haven't done or we haven't done before. We made a snowman together that was so much fun and we come home tonight after a day of fun to discover someone has punched the face off it. I know its made of snow and its stupid but I was really upset... who does that!? Someone takes the time to create something on their property and people think its ok to go up and destroy it? I am sure I know which of the kids on the street did it and they better not let me catch them doing it again. GROW UP YOU PATHETIC LITTLE BRATS! OK so I am still a little perturbed about it. Whatever! I won't let that ruin my day. We went shopping together.. his parents bought us some clothes that didn't fit so we went to exchange it and it turned into me finding lots of really nice clothes for him. It was kinda fun finding all these shirts and pants that were really nice and also on sale. I LOVE SALES! So the secret is that I hate shopping!! I HATE IT! But today was so much fun I even tried on jeans that made me look dare I say it... hot... ! YES I bought them and the same pair in black as well as blue! Hee hee... Now I need to work on losing my bloated belly..... Then I won't be ashamed to wear sexy tops again! For now I just feel fat! I never thought I would see the day I would feel fat but I am and I do.

OK I had to edit the post to include this really cool little thing... My husband is petrified of spiders.... I apologize ahead of time for the photo below if you are afraid of them too... My mother laughs that he vaccuums them up because he is so scared of them or he calls me down to kill them. For Christmas he got a critter catcher. (see photo below) I had to use it tonight because he saw a little spider and I have to share with you that yes... it works!! Here are 2 pics of the catcher... and the last one shows the little guy I caught.. and yes after his photo session I did release him outside. Ironically probably froze to death cause its -10 outside currently... and there is lots of snow. O well I had to share. Again I am sorry if the pic of spidey bothers you. ( I made that particular pic smaller so it won't stick out) As a child I loved catching critters and playing with them so I am not bothered by any of the creepy crawlies. LOL!

You know you are out of shape when making a snowman causes you to be out of breath!

2009-01-07T20:15:00.000-08:00

Like millions of people tonight I watched Patrick Swayze talk about his cancer. I am left with so many questions... How can you go through such intense chemotherapy and not lose your hair? Where does he get all that energy from? I wonder if there is more to this story than what is being told... something just seems off to me... and I am not just referring to his voice. I wonder what other things he is having done to survive for so long and still look so good. Please Patrick share your magic with the rest of the world. My heart just breaks for you and Lisa and your family.. I hope they find a cure for cancer and everyone lives long and happy cancer free lives!! When she asked if she had thought about life when without Patrick I couldn't help but think about what life would be like without my husband. How empty and alone it would be.... he really is my world and without him I cannot imagine a worse kind of hell. After we lost our girls I realized how important he was to me and how important I was to him. The things we have gon through together makes me realize how important it is that we are together and although we have our moments... and really who doesn't? Isn't that part of being passionate? We are soul mates.I cannot imagine life without him. We are still on vacation this week and woke up this morning to snow.. lots and lots of snow... so laugh if you must..... but he is outside shovelling and comes running in and says Shellie come outside and help me make a snowman its packing snow... I was like a stupid little kid.... OK comin... so we made a snowman. A BIG ONE! You know you are out of shape when building a snowman makes you out of breath. Too funny! Anyways here are some pictures.. Try not to laugh too hard!! ;)

Hot Dogs With Ketchup & Sprinkles

2009-01-06T17:06:00.000-08:00

I have the most amazing niece... She will be 4 next month and she is honest and truely the light of my life and reason for living. She makes me laugh in ways I never thought I would, she makes my heart ache and yet with just a little hug makes all my bad days bright again. She has a personality like no other. She is my little ham. I am so lucky that I have such a strong bond and relationship with her, we see her often and I am much closer to her than most aunts... Some times when I am with her I almost forget she isn't mine because she just has my heart. I would die for this little 3o pound princess. She discovered hot dogs recently and enjoys having sprinkles on it! I laugh when I heard that.. sprinkles on hot dogs? How original! Some days I gush about her so much at work people laugh at me... I have become that new mom who comes in with her brag book in hand spouting on and on about what their cute little bundle did... fart or smile or maybe a first word. Four years of gushin noone has ever told me to shut up, maybe its because people know how broken I am and this is one thing that makes me smile and laugh or maybe they just think I am crazy. Whatever it is I enjoy it. If only every person had a kid in their life like her... life would be a better place, people wouldn't be so miserable. All I wanted is one just one just like her. Not in the cards so she is all I get... I will take it!!

Odd day - Odd life!

2009-01-05T17:43:00.000-08:00

What a totally odd day... I am supposed to be on vacation but I had to work today.... I guess I was a little anxious about workign today (even just from home) cause I was up till after 3am las t night. It started with sex and the city.. I never really watched that show when it was on... but there is a new station on the tv called cosmo that plays it constantly and I have become totally obsessed with it. I love that friggin show! Ironically I don't watch it for Carrie.. personally I find her totally annoying and not that attractive. I watch it for the other girls... Charlotte is my favorite! Last night's episode made me laugh so hard... and then poor Miranda had Brady and he was totally screaming.... and I guess it woke me up moer cause when it was over I was still awake. I watched one of my favorite movies The Painted Veil... it's an odd movie but I love it. I actually watched the entire movie it ended at 3am!! Then I couldn't sleep afterwards and just started thinking... thinking about how sad I am that this will be a year without fertility treatments or poking and proddings or visits with Mr. Wand. I actually will miss them.. How screwed up am I? I haven't had a period in months... so long ago I have lost count when my last one was. It was my period after my IVF... thats all I remember.... so that means my body has settled in for its regualr irregular PCOS ravaged nap. Should I be concerned? Nah Dr says this is my norm..... My NORM! NO PERIOD FOR MONTHS AT A TIME! Lucky me!

Thanks for Nothing! A letter to Dr S

2009-01-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

My letter to the old clinic. I wanted to start off the year right and let it go so I sent an email to the Clinic.

Dr S, I wanted to send you an email to explain to you things that you may not be aware of. First a little bit about myself. I was a patient at ISIS and at 5 months pregnant I lost my monoamniotic monochorionic twin girls. They were the best thing that has ever happened to me and I was truly devastated and it was too difficult to return to that clinic so my sister who was a patient at Nustar and was successful recommended I come to her clinic the name just changed.. NewLife.. I figured change would be good so I started coming. At first I loved it your team were amazing! The nurses were incredible and the ultrasound techs even remembered your name it didn't feel like coming there was a chore.. there wasn't a very long wait and I really enjoyed my time there. My sister and I would come to our appts together and we both loved it there. Then one day something changed... I still don't know what it was but your team changed. New faces and people that not only didn't know you but made you feel like you were bothering them. They were miserable to deal with and never knew what was going on, you could literally sit there and wait hours for an appt. My frustration grew and grew and I spoke to people in the waiting rooms and they were more frustrated than we were. Eventually I had enough of the waiting and the disapointments to me it was really obvious that whether you are aware of it or not your clinic just isn't the same. I came there in hopes of overcoming my infertilty challenges and finally have a baby but I don't want to go somewhere that makes me feel like I am not wanted. My health took a turn and my kidneys are causing some problems so my doctor told me I had one last chance to try IVF before I am put on medication which will not allow me to get pregnant. Since I was not only not successful at your clinic but felt that I wasn't a priority there I chose to leave and go back to the one place where I was successful. A place where the nurses remember to call you to give you your results, a place where they don't just expect you to know things instead they ask or tell you, a place where they don't make you feel like all they want is your money, a place where they make you feel like they care. Unfortunately my IVF there was unsuccessful but the embryologist asked me to meet with him to discuss what happened so I would know... yet another thing I wasn't offered at Newlife. When I told him that I had IVF done and Newlife he asked me to sign a form so that they could request my file so I could close this chapter of my life and compare the reports to see what was wrong... and more importantly so that I can know why after 10 years of trying to have a baby... MOST OF THOSE AT FERTILITY CLINICS... why I cannot have a baby. THat was several months ago... your office had the audacity to call me and demand money for them to send my doctor... not me but my doctor the file. I argued with them that I cannot understand why I should have to pay for a file and they never called me back. I am very dissapointed.... I have the right as a patient to have a second opinion... ironically you were mine. I cannot have children this is something that I have to accept but what I need to know is why. I need to close this chapter of my life so I can move on. I refuse to pay for a file that I don't even get to have access to, expecially when I feel that you have taken enough of my time and money. Both my sister and I have now left your clinic and I wanted to start this year out right by closing this chapter of my life and letting you know what is happening. Sometimes people don't know what is happening until someone tells them. I hope that sending this will enable you to see what is going on and allow your current and future patients a more enjoyable experience. Especially for the clinic that boasts "Here at NewLife, we are committed to innovation in reproductive care in a compassionate and friendly setting and most of all, we provide hope through individual care"

It is getting harder and harder to hate this man!!!!!! --HIS RESPONSE --

Hi Kelly,

Thanks for taking the time to write this email. I do appreciate feedback because it help us improve, something we strive to do all the time.

Your experience of things changing one day at NewLife is not a figment of your imagination. I looked at your chart. At the time this happened, we had 3 of our receptionists quit all at the same time for personal and family reasons at a time when the ultrasound service provider changed and our patient load also increased. We hired new people but the organization and timeliness were below standard to say the least. Unfortunately all the issues you experienced were as a direct result of these events in our office in Mississauga. Fortunately we have since, corrected all these and we now have a stable and more friendly staff and environment.

The fee of $35.00 my staff asked you to pay to send a copy of the embryology report to ISIS is a nominal fee to cover some of our costs that you probably do not know about. This includes the cost of storing your chart and searching for and retrieving it from storage. Going through the chart and extracting the information you need and faxing it to your Doctor. Usually I have to also look at the chart to give my staff the info you need. This service is not covered by OHIP. ISIS also has the same fee when one of their patients needs to send us chart information. All clinics including your family doctor has the same fee and some clinics charge a much higher fee. You can check these yourself on ISIS website under fees and also under McGill fertility centre under fees.

From the clinical point of view, I looked through your chart to try and help you understand why you have not been successful so far. You did 2 IUI cycles with us and on the third cycle you over stimulated and was given the option of IVF conversion, you had lots of eggs retrieved but the embryo development was not good. You had one embryo at 8 cells grade 2 transferred on day 4. You conceived but ended up with a miscarriage. After that you did not return because of your kidney problem. I am sorry to hear that you did an IVF cycle at ISIS but was not successful. Although I do not know the details of that cycle and whether there was an issue with embryo development also, I would still think that you can conceive with IVF. I do not think you have exhausted all your options as you have mentioned in your email. Even if it turns out to be that you have an oocyte problem, you can conceive with donor eggs which is highly successful. I am not certain however, that this is the case. Based on the info I have in your old chart, I would still be optimistic that you can have a child with your own eggs if we can get better embryos.

I am not up to date on the kidney problem which is important and it may be affected by pregnancy but usually does not have an impact on your ability to get pregnant. Even women with kidney transplants are able to conceive.

Our IVF pregnancy rate has improved drastically since you did your cycle with us, mainly because of new and improved technology in the lab. Also do not forget that this was a conversion and not a standard IVF protocol, where we have much better control on the stimulation. Usually you meet with the embryologist in a normal IVF cycle, in a conversion cycle everything is rushed and you do not get enough information.

I have asked my staff to fax the embryology info to ISIS without charge, but if you wish I can also review the IVF cycle you did at ISIS and tell you my opinion so that you can conceive not "to close the chapter".

All the best for the new year,

Dr S

Christmas

2009-01-03T11:38:00.000-08:00

I know its been awhile.. a long while.. I really needed to take some time to deal with all that was going on and try to accept... key word TRY... that I cannot have any babies. The thought that I have to live this life childless takes my breath away since it is the only thing I ever wanted or needed out of this life. In the midst of all this personal drama we learned that my mother in law has breast cancer. This really shook both of us to the very core... we just didn't ever think we would have to deal with anything like this in our family. I have really done my best to be there for her every step of the way. She needed one person who wouldn't cry or look at her with that aww poor you face... (those of us who have lost babies know that face all to well!) So instead I just call her almost every day just to see how she is and see how things are, is there anything I can do to help you? She is a brave lady and I really have never seen her break down or have a why me moment... not that she hasn't in private but she is a trooper. Once she started the chemo her hair fell out so fast.. so we bought her a wig. Anything she needs or wants we will make sure we can provide. What I decided was that this year I would host Christmas have them over sleep over on Christmas eve and spend Christmas day with us... I would cook... yes me cook funny I realize... and she could just sit back and relax. Noone knew how she would be feeling at that point but I will tell you that it was a very exciting and fun filled Christmas. The dinner was fabulous and we all stayed in our PJs all day long and had a great family Christmas. I didn't get to see my own family on Christmas day but it was ok... this year was about his family. It was a great Christmas. I wish each and every one of you a Happy New Year and I hope you had a Merry Christmas.

Just because I am a white Canadian doesn't mean I am not proud!

2008-11-05T17:15:00.000-08:00

I am so thrilled that President elect Barack Obama won. I feel like change is coming and we will all be witnesses to the biggest moment in history. I am proud to see that something is happening in my lifetime that I really didn't ever believe would.. even just months ago I thought it was possible but not probable. I believed that there would be people coming from all the cracks and counties to ensure that this wouldn't happen and yet to my shock and surprise I woke this morning to the greatest news of all. I wanteed to scream and shout and sing the praises. Martin Luther King had a dream and today that dream was realized. Congratulations America today you started something that can only bring positive change and even though I am just a white Canadian I am truly proud and excited.

Ontario The Beautiful

2008-10-28T16:36:00.000-07:00

Bitter Bitches Unite!!

2008-10-22T16:01:00.000-07:00

HELLO!

Ok after being silent and taking some time I had to come out and say is anyone sick of hearing about all the pregnant celebrities!?? Especially the twins!?? Give me a friggin break! As if it is natural... ya something must be in the water!? YA INVITRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK I know the preggies follow me around everywhere I go and now my sister sees it too. You can't even walk to your friggin car without seeing someone happily strolling with their newborn or fat belly rubbing it or someone dropping off their latest ultrasound on your desk or e-mailing it to you.. OR MAYBE EVEN E-MAILING PICS OF A FRESH NEWBORN!! Yup I have had em all and all by people who know what we just went though. People just don't get it! I am sad to tell you that my poor sister is still suffering through all the miscarriage crap and part of it is still in there... but she has become my bitter bitch buddy!!! Its kinda sad but great to have a partner who gets it. SHe totally gets it the way your heart drops when you see a preggie or new mom with her baby, the way tears sting your eyes thinking why isn't that me!? She is my bitter bitch buddy and kthough I really do wish that she wasn't suffering it is kinda nice to have someone to talk to and grieve with and bitch to. LOL!
I will do my very best to not whine and bitch on this site anymore. I think instead I will post pics from my beautiful new camera! Fall is my favorite time of year! I have hundreds of new pictures... The colours are gorgeous!

Not meant to be a mom

2008-09-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

I had my beta today and it was negative. My hubby was so excited about the results he decided to call them himself to get the results.... and they told him it didn't work. We are both devastated.... beyond. I am not sure what is worse feeling like a total failure or a disapointment to my hubby. He has been so wonderful and attentive... even though our hearts our broken my hope is that our love will pull us through. This was it our last chance... our last hope now we are left with 8 years of battle scars and clothes our baby will never wear. Toys so many toys they will never get to play with. I really did start to feel like I was losing our girls all over again. The thought that they will be our only birth experience shakes me to my very core! I wonder how I am going to continue on.. live my life with no children, nothing to come home to at night but an empty 4 bedroom house... How am I supposed to just let go of the dream that has kept me going for so long? I feel like my heart is actually breaking and I don't know how to heal it. My husband who has been my rock now knows that I am offically nothing.. nothing but an empty womb and reminder of all those empty promises. We always believed that we would have children... we talked about it at great length... even when we were dating he gave me a baby name book. Another thing I will never use. I feel like a broken empty shell and I just want to run and hide. Its not about the money it really isn't but at the same time $11,000 just went to a big hole in the sky! I want my daughters back the girls I was promised.. the girls I felt grow and move inside of me... the ones I felt slide out of me after they died... I WANT THEM BACK! How can something be taken from me only to have it as a constant reminder of pain I suffered though and pain I still feel even 2 years later... How I long to have those moments back. Those moments of believing nothing can ever go wrong, the moments of planning our future as a foursome and thoughts of them running to me and calling me mommy, hearing them cry watching my husband light up when he sees them for the first time. I want those moments back! I DESERVE THOSE MOMENTS BACK! Have I not suffered enough? I want to scream and cry and break things... I want to hold my husband and cry like we both did when we found out Grace was gone... then again Anna. He is human its reassuring to know that. Now on to the next day... each day the pain will lessen... but the hurt never really goes away. I now retreat to under the sheets... I want to hide.. run and hide. Wake me when this nightmare is over!

I'm Still Here.....

2008-09-23T17:04:00.001-07:00

I am still here not to worry... drinking my gatorade and calling in my measurements.... hopefully at the end of this week I will be free again! Work has been really busy and I spend my nights watching my premieres!! I love premiere week!!! :)

3dp3dt - A nightmare morning

2008-09-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning in excutiating pain. I just lay there screaming and crying.... I cannot remember ever having that kind of pain in my abdomen before.. it was also accompanied by throwing up and diarrhea. It was just horrible. I called my poor sister just bawling my eyes out and screaming and she got my hubby to come home... I was soo panicked that something was terribly wrong. I finally called the clinic and told them what was happening and they told me to com in immediately that I was overstimulating. As I am on the phone with the nurse she asks me how many times I had thrown up.. and I said 3 this morning... uh oh about to be 4. And right then and there I throw up while on the phone with her... Finally my hubby came home and took me to the clinic and after many hours there and bloodwork and ultrasounds and a fever we discovered that yes I do have extremely swollen ovaries and fluid. I neeed to be very careful and rest. I am not on bedrest but I am not to be up and about for more than an hour at a time... and I am to rest. I also have to measure my abdomen and fluid intake/urine output and weight and report these to the clinic every morning at 7:30am and if there is something concerning I will possibly need to go in for another ultrasound and bloodwork. I will admit I feel best when I am laying down so I did lay down most of the day but I am still being good and drinking my gatorade. What a frightening day overall. Next week I will be working from home because the doctor doesn't want me to be up and about so much for the next week.... I am very lucky that I can work from home and have an understanding manager. I read the other day a great saying and I think it applies here... We never stop going through pain for our kids and its always worth it! I agree ....

Now for the funny part

My husband is sweet and adorable and panicked and extremely petrified that something bad is going to happen to the kids..... (in utero) I am trying to be positive and talk to them but since it is our only chance we are extremely sensitive!

Well there we are at the clinic and he is talking to the blood lady asking for a pregnancy test or can they test me for the toxiplasmosis... poor woman is like why did I come to this room!?

THEN we are in teh ultrasound room I am laying there while she is scanning me and what does he ask.. are the EGGS ok? I shoot him a look and say EMBRYOS!!! She reassures me and him that they are well protected. He literally leans back on the wall and the dimmed lights suddenly become bright! Thats right he leaned on the dimmer....... This is my husband... then he is asking of we can see the AGAIN EGGS I correct him EMBRYOS he wants to see them on the screen!!! THEY ARE TOO SMALL! OMG I look at him and say zip it! He is a little embearassed but does he stop!?? O NO he is asking what she is seeing and if the ulttrasound machine is warmed because the jelly is so cold...the woman is laughing and explaining everything to him tho and has a good sense of humour about it... she wasa as gentle as she culd be and I am sure he was talked about with the nurses in break room toay... HE IS LUCKY HE IS SOOO CUTE!! LOL!! He had to help me walk around and I made him carry my purse as punishment!

Transfer et al

2008-09-18T10:34:00.002-07:00

OK So after the retrieval I was in alot of pain for several days so I didn't update.

Afer retrieval they retrieved 18 eggs. 10 were mature and were ICSI'd and 5 fertilized. Out of 5 embryos only 3 made it to the day before transfer and on day of transfer we were left with only 2. BUT they were grade 1 and I have stioll got a lot of hope and faith... more on that shortly.

On our anniversary my mother in law told my DH that she has breast cancer and she had her surgery on the day after my transfer. We were all waiting anxiously to hear if she was ok and I spoke to her this mornign for a long time and she sounded great. Thank God. The got the lump and lymph node and we will know more in 2 weeks.

OK so on to the good stuff. The day of transfer was exciting and nerve racking... I kinda thought that we would go in and there would be none that survived... but to our shock there were 2.. sad we lost the third overnight... but happy there were 2. None to freeze and that really sucks but I have sooooo much hope and faith that these 2 are gonna make it for the long haul! So we went in and changed into our gowns and into the OR fairly quickly... sorry no pics this time.. and when we went in they did the u/s scans and tehn she left to go call the dr cause we were ready.. .my hubby says to me can you reach the kleenex she left a glop of goo on your side... ya she put the gown overtop of it... I CAN FEEL IT ITS COLD TO THE SKIN!!! LOL! So here he is wiping all the goo off my boobs and side.... LOL quite the scene. We looked up and noticed there was this big dome just above the table... and I said OMG do you think thats a camera he is like ya I think it is... so I start laughing thinking omg there is porn noone wants to see!!! LOL! cause its angled right down on my hoo hoo that is exposed for the world to see.... so my doctor comes in and he comes right over shakes our hands apologizes about the retrieval... I guess everyone knows I had a bad reaction and felt alot of pain eh!?? And gets right to it.. the embryologist comes in and tells us about the embryos and says you want both put in and we agree and I sign papers stating that and then the doc says ok get em ready.. .so he jacks me open sticks in the catheter and is showing my hubby the whole time what he is doing.. .I swear to you I can envision him and the doc goin out for a beer and hanging out togehter... he just loves my hubby... LOL! Its more like he was there interning than there to hold my hand at this poiint.... but whatever eases him... its a strange situation... LOL! He had to wiggle it in so I guess I am still a difficult person to get into but NO TERRIBLE TENACULUM!!! WOOHOO!! Then he loads in the embryos and I cannot beleive it but there they are on the screen and then he asks hubby does that look like a good spot... UMM HELLO??? LIKE HE WOUDL KNOW!? HA HA Hubby says ya and woosh they are released an you see these tiny little specs float.. i think my hubby really liked it he later told me it was so neat to see that... last time my sister came with me not him so this was a first for him! She confirmed that the catheter was clear and indeed 2 are inside and ta da you are done! Now I literally drank 2L of water so I have a very full bladder and she says ok you can go pee when you are ready. I WAS LIKE WHAT!?? I ain't peein... even hubby was shocked I didnt have to go. I waiteed as long as I could... about an hour.. then I had to go.. .and go and go and go.. I swear to you 2 days later I am still peeing out all the water! I came home and rested.. since I had a really bad cold it wasn't difficult. Don't worry I have taken NOTHING for it! Just vitamin C!
It is a strange thought to know that inside you have 2 embryos hopefully not only growing but hatching and implanting! The first day was odd.. the second was just focusing on resting and I finally went out last night with the girls! Nice to just get out!! Today I have cleaned a little bit and rested still enjoying my vacation. I am talking to them alot and I finally came up with names for them..... OK so I do beleive that one is a boy and one is a girl however in light of everything I have named them Hope and Faith. They are all my hope and faith. What is really odd is that these 2 precious embryos are the very best of the both of us! They have in them our strength and our courage and everything inbetween! I talk to them constantly I tell them how much their mommy loves them and how incredible it is to love something so tiny so completely! I wish I could explain the feelings I have.... I am very emotional right now and I know alot of it is because of the hormones and the progesterone but alot of it is just soo much hope and faith... inside. PUN INTENDED!! ;) I think I am going to go crazy with my husband however.. he has decided that I can have ZERO STRESS and not be upset by anything... and our cat needs to be remvoed from the home because even though I wont be changing the litter he feels the microscopic fumes can infect the kids... I swear to you he actually said that! He has also lectured me about soft cheeses --no more goat cheese and no more steak done medium..... its uncooked! IF HE IS THIS PARANOID NOW IMAGINE once I am actually pregnant... and dare I say... once the baby is born!? Frightening thought isn't it? He asked me to take next week off as well but in light of what is going on at the office right now I am not taking more time off I have been off 2 weeks that is enough. I will watch my stress levels and I will take my BP at home and behave. So far at lunches I have been eating salads I make at home with apples and grapes and cheese... Not to worry it was mozzarellla... I heard that was ok!! and the dressing was ranch. I am trying so hard to eat better and not sit and eat crap. I also read and was told my good friend and fellow 2ww'r KAT that warm foods/hot foods are what you need to focus on cold foods are bad! So I am having hot dinners... I will do whatever it takes to make this take! I am even back to wearing my fertility necklace! I haven't worn that since I was pregnant with my girls. I have been thinking about taking the cross off urns and wearing it again.. I need all the help I can get. What a different world we live in.

Have you seen this video? OK I cried through it but its a great video!!!! Even though I am not an American I thought I would share.. beautiful song written by Bono and played by Dave Stewart... you may remember him from Eurythmics....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVi4rUzf-0Q

I would also like to take this opportunity to tell you about my sister. She is at a new clinic.. my clinic and she is seeing a specialist who gave both good news and bad news to her about her situation with recurrent miscarriages. She also told her that basically everything and anything that the old placae told her was wrong. They should have done other test been more aggressive retested etc... She went in for an u/s afterwards they told her nothing was left after the miscarriage today she discovered that was not the case... still retaining some... and she has to take those nasty pills to expel it. I am disgusted by that place and if I wasn't trying to reduce the stress in my life I would turn around and go to that place and just rip into them. Their lack of care and attention to her is unacceptable! Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers... She means soo much to me and all I want is everything for her. FOR US! Here's hoping she can finally get answers and her dreams will come true!

3DT INFO

2008-09-18T10:34:00.001-07:00

3 day transfer-

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

So much to tell.......

2008-09-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

OK BAD BLOGGER I KNOW!! Soo much has happened.... This is going to be a long one... but the good news is I have lots and lots of pictures to share!

First of all Friday September 12, 2008 was our 10th wedding anniversary. I woke up and noticed tehre was a big black box with a key lock on the tv unit so I picked it up and there was a note.... FIRST OF ALL my hubby and I have a sick sense of humour at times... So the note said "DICK IN A BOX?" For those of you who haven't seen the video... here it is below

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhwbxEfy7fg

Anyways now that it is in context!! Here is the picture of what he did for me... I must admit I laughed my ass off.....

I open it up and realize he has a game planned..... OK for those of you who are thinking this is normal for him... I will tell you that in 10 years of marriage this is THE MOST ROMANTIC THING HE HAS EVER DONE! He is never romantic like this.... the timing was just perfect because I had triggered on Thursday night and was starting to feel it and getting nervous about the egg retrieval on Saturday so this helped to just put my mind on something else for a while! More on that little adventure later! ;)

So I called him and kept asking whats in the box.. and he said have patience!! LOL! I laughed and said ok well where is the key.. he said not in the house so I took that at face value... well 2pm comes rolling around and wouldn't you know it there is a knock at the door... (sounded like the dude was going to knock through the door) anyways I open it and there is this man standing there with this beautiful boquet of chocolate covered strawberries! Here is a pic of the before I opened it and then after as well...

Here is a pic right after the delivery

The opened basket... mmmmmmmmm chocolate covered strawberries!! MY FAVORITE!

Well I look at the card attached and OMG if there wasn't a clue attached. Here is the clue:

Well I start laughing like a giddy little school girl its a riddle... I am soo excited so I run out to the backyard and find this in the blue bin.....

NOT A TAMPON its a scroll with another clue

This is the scroll unrolled

It says third floor spare bathroom... you have to put the 2 pieces together and hold them to the light to read them... yes this took me a couple minutes to figure out... I admit it.

This led me to the basement fridge... this time I had a gift with the clue

Diamond earrings... very beautiful! Did I mention I am a lucky lady!?

I mistakenly thought this was the last clue.. LOL OK so I had a dumb day! LOL!

This was supposed to lead me to our yearbook from 1994 but I didn't read into it the way he expected and I found clue #9 instead next.. .LOL eventually I figured out (with help from hubby) that I had missed the actual idea... LOL some days I am just so dense..

This one was the hardest yet.. It was supposed to lead me to the PS3!! I wasn't really getting that needed a little more of a clue.... LOL!! The Memory part is because the clue was in the memory card section of the PS3 he obviously thinks I am smarter than I am!

Who says Higily Wigilty do?? HAHAHAHAHAHA This led me to the warming drawer in our oven. That one was easy! LOL

This led me to the closet where the clue was hanging from the celining... too funny....

This is a picture he had taken with the camera... what is soo funny.... is that my memory card broke and I deleted alot of the pics on it that morning so this one needed a new clue.. he said eagle.. if I told yu how many eagles we have in this friggin house... pictures and drawings and stuffed animals and carvings... NOT MUCH OF A CLUE!!!! It was behind the big eagle painting oon the wall upstairs... and also along with that there was a gift certificate to Turtle Jacks... my fav place!!! :)

This one was a little obvious... each clue had a letter and needed to unscramble it to reveal ROYS KEYS! Hooray I can finally open the black box! OK So I open the black box and inside it is a black shirt with swarovski crystals all over it... Really really pretty... so I read the card that is with it and discover that these crystals are in a pattern.... this is what the stars looked like the night we got married. A really unique and really cool gift! http://www.starologie.com/

What a fantastic day! We then went out to Turtle Jacks for dinner... my favorite place and I pigged out on my fav foods.... the last meal before retrieval the next morning!

Retrieval

We arrived for the retrieval and I took my ativan to help calm me down... what can I say.. well it just made me smile and giggle and feel weird and then we were called to the back room I got changed and put on my gown and hubby put on his gown and mask and booties and hat... yes the hat is too small for his big head... hilarious!!! The nurse came in and put in my IV and then shortly after that we were taken to the OR. I was soo greatful that he was allowed to come into the OR with me. I got up on the table and breathed slowly and then the doctor came in. He would tell me what he was doing... i.e I am inserting the needle now.. which was fine but I instantly started cramping... then he was pushing the needle into the ovaries and sucking out the fluid (eggs hopefully) and suddenly I started feeling alot of pain... my lovely husband who was hidden behind the mask.... well his eyes just told me how scared he was... he could tell I was in alot of pain... He grabbed my hand and squeezed it so tightly and he would watch them and say ok this one is almost done.... then they would move on to the next one. I still don't understand why they give you an IV with pain meds if you feel things!!!!! Eventually it was over and the embryologist came in and announced we got 18 eggs! WOW! I was soo happy about that. I had such high hopes. We went back to recovery and instantly I felt sick.. I lay there thinking OMG I am going to be sick so my hubby (who has been through this before with me-- I always have bad reactions to anaesthetic) grabs me one of those containers and I start holding it in front of me wretching. There wasn't really anything to throw up because I hadn't eaten in 12 hours but still i knew I was going to puke.. There was this noise... bang bang bang not sure if it was the pipes or what but it was driving both of us nuts! Eventually I did throw up several times and the nurse came in and put a cold washcloth on my head.. My husband was rubbing my feet and trying to make me feel better... his idea of making me feel better is bring it up don't keep it down.. just throw up... OK how about I poke you in your insides with a needle 18-20 times and then see if you want to wretch and throw up!? MEN! Eventually the nurse brought me a dextrose bag and once it pushed through my IV and I drank an applejuice I started to feel better... we were there for a loooonng time though.... we were there after the clinic had closed.... LOL! Typical for me. Once I started to feel better my poor hubby was spent.... he asked if it was ok that he go out and get a coffee poor guy was starving.. and the banging on the pipes were driving him nuts... LOL! So I told him to go get a Tim Hortons coffee but DONT BRING IT BACK IN WITH HIM! Once he got back I was feeling much better and my BP dropped back to normal and I had run through the IV bag. He told me that he was locked out cause the place was closed... so he had to wait for someone to leave before he could get back in... I laughed so hard... again TYPICAL OF OUR LIVES! She took out the IV and I was able to get dressed. I absolutely LOVED LOVED the nurse that was there she was so concerned about me and tended to me.. I really appreciated it. She obviously loves her job. Below are 2 pictures one of me after the transfer and one of my husband after the transfer lookin so good in his "scrubs" I look like crap but I survived! :)

Here he is massaging my feet... and trying to make a sexy face.... it looks like he is having a stroke doesn't it!?

Here is me just before the wave of nausea hits me and I get sick.

I came home after the retrieval and literally passed out I was feeling soo sore and so sick. I could hardly walk I was in so much pain but eventually (3 days later I am almost completely pain free) A little pain for a HUGE GAIN!

The next day I woke up to my hubby writing a note and attaching it to the balloon. He is such a kid at heart some days!! The note has his e-mail addy and released it and is hoping for someone to send an email so we can see how far it made it! Here is a pic of it flying away! We watched it from the front of the house and it went high really fast... I wonder if we will get an e-mail?

TO BE CONTINUED............................................

FINALLY!!

2008-09-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

Well 35 follies later here I am ready to trigger tonight!! I cannot believe I am fianlly at the end of this journey... I am excited and nervous and everything in between! 11PM tonight I give myself the HCG shot for the last time! 35 hours later I will be there having my eggs retrieved. I gave myself my last cetrotide shot this morning and my last Gonal-f shot this evening... and now my last HCG shot! What an odd thing to experience! What an odd life to live. During my ultrasound today the contortionist requests continued and wouldn't you know it... they weren't good enough! I had to sit on my hands. LITERALLY.. 40 minutes at the end of the ultrasound I couldn't feel my hands. I could barely get dressed! Retrieval will be very interesting because they are going to have fun getting to my left ovary. My acupuncture was great and felt very relaxing.. I started to feel better once I was done. OK enough about me.... onto the really exciting news. My good friend Kat is also triggering tonight! She didn't think this month was gonna work and here she is triggering the same night as me. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers!!! Her IUI is tomorrow morning and I have everything crossed for her!

I have how many????? I AM NOT A CONTORTIONIST!

2008-09-10T17:35:00.000-07:00

I went in for my appt and was stunned to find out that I have 17 good size follicles on the Left and 15 good size ones on the Right. Well that would explain why my belly feels bloated and full... LOL! I am not suffering too badly considering my e2 yesterday was 11,000! Here I am in the ultrasound room.. with a wand up the wazzoo and the lady says (after about 10 minutes on the right side!!) OK now we are moving on to the left side.. however we have discovered that my LEFT ovary is up really high and hides behind the uterus. So once she gets in she is like ok I really need to get up far lift your bum... lift my what??? HOW THE HECK DO I DO THAT?? So with this wand up the wazoo I am now becoming a contortionist and I am lifting up my but in the air and tryin not to drop my pelvis.. while she is pushing the wand up against my aching swollen ovaries to take pictures... WOO HOO FUN! Can't wait to do it again tomorrow. AND YES the ultrasounds have reached a point now where they HURT!!!!!!! Pain that shoots through your ovaries down through your vajay jay down your legs and out through your toes. I don't recommend it... but its a neccesity... I think I am down to about 1-2 days till trigger. I have already bought the meds... i have the progesterone to shove up the butt, I have the ativan tablets to calm me down prior to retrieval and O YES the HCG which I have to mix and inject 36 hours before the retrieval. I feel like maybe I am glutton for punishment because I am semi looking forward to it. AM I CRAZY!?? Probably!

ER scheduled for this weekend???

2008-09-09T16:54:00.000-07:00

CAN IT BE TRUE? I had my appt this morning and the u/s from hell alongside it. OK for those of you women who have met MR wand.. they stick it up there and slowly go one to the other.. this woman.. would go up there push up to get the size then drop the friggin wand between each measurment.. HELLO THAT IS IN MY CROTCH LADY>>> OW! MORONS! Well as of today I have about 17 follies that are measuring over 1 and quite a few that are measuring 1.4... well tehy call me upstairs and another nurse joins us so I am figuring that this is a bad sign and she is there for moral support... BUT I get there and get handed all this info on OHSS... which I kinda figured I had already.. and then we discussed ER. OMG Its gonna be this weekend... they gave me all the meds and everythign.. it's so real to me I am having a total panic attack! Then I went to my acupuncture appt and I am starting to feel pretty good about it. The acu really helps. I wish I could explain it... but the bloating seems to have gone down and I didn't get a call today from the clinic so I stayed on the 37.5 and back again I go tomorrow morning! I think tomorrow may be my last appt... maybe maybe Thursday! Then I trigger and its a waiting game. I am nervous but excited.

OK on another note... I was reading a book to my niece this morning and I just had to post a picture... A SIGN OF THE TIMES!!!!! LOL! I just found it really funny.

Edit -- The book is Curious George Learns the Alphabet! ;)

The beginning of the end..........

2008-09-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

Went in today have 15 follies and e2 is really high. It is above 6000! I am really sore and swollen and all I want to do is sleep. I am drinking lots of gatorade.. here's hoping that it works!
Meds were dropped to 37.5.

I'm not fat I am swollen!

2008-09-07T18:13:00.000-07:00

I have 12 follies that are above 1.0 and I feel like I am a chicken. I am so sore and I am sooo sick of the daily appts.. they just drain me. I am so sorry but the back and forth and poking and pricking is just driving me batty. The ultrasounds hurt soo much now. Today was the worst yet and I am just dreading tomorrows! I know just a couple more days and we can retrieve... how I long for that day! Even if it will be terribly painful.... They asked me to start drinking gatorade because I am overstimming ... my E2 level is above 5000 so there is some concern there. I am so close I just want to "explode" so we can get it over with! I realize how ridiculous that sounds but I am just soo nauseous and I have headaches all day and my pants feel tight on my bruised belly... I am not meaning to complain because if it works it is all worth it but right now I am just feeling like a human pin cushion that has been beaten and stepped on.

Standup2cancer

2008-09-05T17:50:00.000-07:00

I watched this one hour telethon..... I haven't shed that many tears in a very long time! I was so moved by the people's stories and the tales of survival! I cannot believe how many people have suffered through cancer. There was a sad story that was told by one of the celebrities... he started talking and instantly you saw the tears in his eyes. He told the story of a little child who never got to live to be 5 years old. THe letter was written by his mother how she heard her son's first heartbeat and put her hand on his chest as she felt his last. They showed his picture and you just heard the crowd gasp as this little boy's smiling face is on the screen and you hear he lost his fight. They say they are near finding the cure... God I hope so! Too many stories like that exist.

I did have my appt today and the follies aren't doin much... I said I was worried now... and they said o no you have lots to go still... then they told me to take the cetrotide daily IN THE MORNING!!! and they lowered my Gonal-f back to 150 because my estrogen went above 3000. Now if memory serves me corrrect that means I am about to get a crapload of follies jumping and suddenly growing... at least I hope! I am a little worries taht the estrogen jumping but its only 3000 so I am really hoping that everything is ok. I have daily appts now and I am findng them very draining.. not to complain its just alot of back and forth.. It is ok. I am ok. AND on that note I will share with you something really funny. I had to take my cetrotide this morning in the parking lot of my work. I pulled in mixed the meds pulled down my pants and was about to inject it (had the needle in my mouth ) and someone pulls up beside me. I almost died of embarassment.. THANK GOD OUR WINDOWS ARE TINTED!!!!!!! I quickly pricked myself and then pulled my pants up and ran into the office.. LOL! Good thing I am on vacation for the next 2 weeks because I will be doing that every morning but now... from the COMFORT OF MY HOME!!!!! LOL!

Suppresion Time!

2008-09-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

Things I would never say out loud.

I am terrified that this isn't going to work! I am terrified there will be noting that fertilizes or nothing to implant... Basically due to the stress I have been under here at work.. I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am beyond terrified that we just forked out $11,000 for a chance... that won't work.... I am frightened that all that we have been through for all these years.. will be for nothing
I still wait for the call to cancel the cycle even though I did start the cetroride tonight.
Did you know that it works to supress within an hour of injection. I read the pamphlet... yup I am just that big of a loser! I laughed because although I am an old pro at this I still go through OMG moments and did I do it right moments. Tonight for example I injected the cetrotide in after mixing it and i noticed a little leaked out of the hole after I removed the syringe. Am I really supressed?? Did I screw it up? Did I mix it correctly. They increased the dosage for Gonal-f to 225 ... is this gonna screw me up again and I am going to have crazy E2 levels or will the cetrotide calm that down? Soo many questions and no answers! I am like a ball of nerves surrounded by what ifs! I went into the appt this morning and when I was on the table the girl couldn't see the follie on the one side and for lack of a better term dipped the probe down and I jumped right out of my skin... HOLY SHIT did that hurt. Poor girl she started freaking out apologizing profusely. I love her even tho she tried to make another hole in me... at least that is how it felt. Even after all that she still couldn't see it because my ovaries were playing hide and go seek behind my uterus.... she couldn't find that damn follie! The doc came in after to chat about the ultrasound and said things look great! I said I am really concerned about the fact that we are on day 8 and there are already 6 follies growing like that.... he said thats not a bad thing thats a very good thing and laughed. I still cannot admit that.. but I am finding really slowly that there is a creeping feeling that things may actually work out and we will have ER really soon. Kinda freaks me out... I also had acupuncture today that was nice.. gave me a good feeling for a couple hours anyways! Whatever it takes!!!!!!! Anyways Here are some pics of the cetrotide... try not to laugh to hard about the bluies.... LOL!

what a difference 2 days make

2008-09-03T18:37:00.001-07:00

Quick post... i am so tired!

I have 6 follies ranging from 1.0 - 1.4. Probably start Cetrotide tomorrow night. Looks like for the first time in history I am taking off on time and not late... isn't that bizarre!? Day 7 6 follies that are measurable... imagine by day 14!!!!!! Still waiting for the call to cancel but none yet... do I dare let myself get caught up in it and be excited? ONLY one thing is freaking me out.. and for those of you who have read my blog previuosly... my 2 doves are back.. following me around here and even in tjhe backyard with my pussy cat. I take that as a good sign..... O well back again tomorrow for some more wand torture... or should I say transducer torture!?? Crap it hurtrs when they push on the follies!!!!!!!!!!! STOP PUSHING SO HARD!!!!!! I may kick her tomorrow! O and the girl who did my u/s was the tech that told us we were havin twins back in 2006! Another odd thing.. totally funny.

Tears and Hormone Hell

2008-09-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

I have so many tears these days its crazy! I cry at commercials... I swear if I see that Standup2cancer commercial one more time. .... I cry every friggin time!! HORMONES!
Women are crazy! I know you all agree with me. My meds are still the same but we shall see what happens tomorrow. Since I was sick last night I am heading to bed a little early hopefully I can get some good sleep.

From cyst to follie.....

2008-09-01T05:46:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my doctor appt and I am in schock! I went from 4 cysts to 2 follicles that are 1.0 and 1.1? My theory is that they are the cysts that are leftover since I have never ever ever had 2 follicles that big if at all at day 5. THey gave me the cetrotide to start if my b/w shows that my e2 levels are over 1000.... No way no way that those are follicles that are that big! We shall see what they say wehn they call me at noon.

**Update** I heard from the clinic and the b/w is on track but no need for cetrotide yet. They are pretty sure that they really are follicles... bbut I don't have to return until Wednesday... I guess then we will know if they really are or not. So far things appear to be on track... does that really sound right? Ahh time will tell. For now I am literally on needles and pins waiting for the other ball to drop! It's an odd feeling.. waiting fo the worst to happen.

FIRE!!!!

2008-08-30T16:07:00.000-07:00

OMG OMG OMG I just had the most terrifying experience.
STUPID OVEN! I HATE IT! I was warming it up and all of a sudden it started to smoke.. so i went to the oven to turn it off.... and it went poof like a little explosion inside... then I look down and there are flames inside the friggin oven! I scream to my husband OMG FIRE!! Man you never saw him move so fast... then realize we don't have a fire extinguisher.. He came upstiars and the fire was out but I couldn't breathe from all the thick black smoke and we had to open all the doors and windows and turn on the fans... He is freaking out and I am trying to turn off the alarm upstairs... it was soo smoky in here.. freaked me right out. I couldn't breathe and I am running around the house coughing and choking.. my hubby is smart he has a shirt over his mouth to breathe. I have no idea what the hell happened... I cooked chicken wings in there last and there was no black spots on the bottom of it... so I thought it would be ok to cook in it.... He scraped the bottom the best he could... and I will try to do it again but obviously I need to do the self clean thing.. but I am not turning it on again anytime soon! Scariest moment I have ever had! I feel like a total idiot.. but I just cannot figure out how that happened. My thought everytime and I mean everytime I cook is omg what if the stove explodes... now that it pretty much did I don't think I can cook in it anymore. I am afraid of the oven ... great... after all the time we waited for it now this. Well anyways.. the only thing we can think of is that when the wings were cooking some oil spilled on the bottom and when it heated up it caught fire. O and yes I am an idiot! I know I am I feel like one.
I started my stims today just after this was all over with... there is that drama I was looking for!

IVF Again?

2008-08-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor and had my appt and to my shock this is af. So I start my stims tomorrow. Only issue is I do have 4 cysts... they said they aren't concerned about it and as long as the bloodwork didn't show anything strange they would continue. No call so now I start my stims tomorrow. Timing is too perfect so I am waiting for the other ball to drop. It came up on me so fast and I am so unprepared... mentally. I thought I had 2 more weeks and instead here it is. This is our only chance our last chance... to grow some good eggs. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. When i have my appt on monday I will looks a the egg count.. cause I was in such shock i forgot to look!!!!!

How far I have come

2008-08-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

OK first of all I want you to know that my sister did lose the baby it was confirmed at the doctor today. The doctor is an idiot and sat there and basically lied to her face.. she called him on it and left. She will see a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist so that will be good for her.

OK so there I am sitting at my desk today and a man comes up and strikes up a conversation with me.. usual pleasantries... how are you etc.. then he asks how the babies are. I look at him and say what babies? He totally caught me off guard!! He says the twins... I am sitting there mouth agape thinking omg now how do I tell him this. So I say no we lost them at 5 months.. and I start to tell him the whole story.. poor man colour slowly drains out of his face... he is the one caught off guard now. So he looks at me and says omg I am so sorry that must have been very difficult for you. I said yes it did take me a long time to get the strength to come back here and sit here and answer questions. But I got better... I have moved past it and I miss them every single day. He says well I hope God is with you.. and walks away. It shook me.. I was so caught off guard and I needed a moment.. I went to the bathroom and got composure and then came back to my desk. I was so proud I didn't fall apart.. I have come so far now that I can talk about them and not cry and to tell you the truth it made me miss them just a little more for a while.. then I found the humour. The only man in the company who didn't know. Now he knows. And will probably never be the same again!

Update: The bleeding from yesterday appears to have turned into full blown AF so I have an appt tomorrow for b/w and u/s to see if we should start the stims on Saturday or not. FIngers crossed we can and it will work... I am off for 2 weeks during this time anyways so it just works out perfectly... too perfectly!? Wuick someone create some drama!

Cryptic days!?

2008-08-27T17:46:00.000-07:00

OK I am so sorry for being so cryptic. SO SO SOOOO SORRY!! My sister had a scare with her pregnancy and it broke my heart to think that something could happen to her after all she had been through. She went to the clinic for an u/s because she was bleeding and in alot of pain but when she got there there was a hb and they even gave her a picture. Everything was fine. The doctor basically made her feel like she was overreacting for nothing. You cramp during pregnancy this is normal. The bleeding well its not from the uterus maybe corpus luteum or a polyp etc.. So they sent her home.. no bedrest no nothing... just see you at 12 weeks for your IPS.
We both knew there was more... but what can you do for the day? Well not 4 hours later she miscarried. At home thinking to herself that son of a bitch doctor. How the hell could he not have known!? He didn't listen! He didn't respect her enough that she knew something was wrong. He didn't open the file to notice she has been through this several times before. He is totally useless and in my opinion should have his license revoked. How dare he!? My heart is totally and completely broken for her and her hubby. I know she has a beautiful daughter and she will help pull her back but as wel all know a broken heart never completely heals! The loss is still there for a while. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers... she deserves soo much and not this shit. I pray that when she goes to her appointment to confirm that everything is gone.... IT IS HER LAST APPT THERE!

As for me... I am taking sympathy pain to a whole new level... nevermind I dreamt on Sunday she lost the baby and that is when things started to go bad for her... but I started having cramping and really bad back pain... THEN TODAY I WOKE UP AND I AM BLEEDING! 2 weeks later umm gives new meaning to early period. Not sure what to think... hoping it means I can start the stims but have to hear back from the doctor's office first. Nurse didn't call me back today and I was too busy to realize whent he day was over.... so its not a day 1 full flow anyways.. but I am thiniking that will be tomorrow... IF IF IF IF IF I am able to start now then it works out that ER and ET are on the week that I am already booked off... so I just extend it to 2 weeks and BOOM it is perfect timing.

What a wild couple of days.

LYING DOCTORS! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

2008-08-26T19:17:00.001-07:00

I am so sick and tired of liars. I am tired of doctors not taking the time to listen to their damn patients, or open up the EFFING file to see the history. I am so angry and I am so mad and upset I cannot even type.

Good Thoughts and naked ass...

2008-08-25T17:28:00.000-07:00

I need all your good thoughts and prayers... I cannot go into detail because I just don't want to put it into the cosmos but please please send them all this way. I really really appreciate it!

AND NOW FOR A MOMENT OF LEVITY!

I am not sure what else I can say but I want to share with you a really really funny picture. YES IT IS A PIG'S BUM!

Crispy

2008-08-24T18:04:00.000-07:00

I am crispy! Burnt like bacon. Spent the day outside at the CNE and although it was a rainy cloudy day I am still red like a lobster. I am tired and so its a short post. Had a great weekend!!

A moment.....

2008-08-22T17:47:00.000-07:00

First of all I would like any of you reading this to think about somethign for one moment. Think about what it would be like to find out your dreams are coming true... you are happier than you have ever been and you just cannot stop smiling. You feel like you are on top of the world and nothing and noone can bring you down. You make plans you think about hte future and how wonderful it will be. Now in a blink of an eye imagine for one moment that you wake up one day and that is all gone now. Your dreams died and your life changed. How do you ever wake up from this nightmare? Everywhere you look people are getting their dreams and tehy are making everything seem so damn easy. It is just not fair and the more tears you cry, the more you long for that life the harder it is for you. So time passes and you move on... maybe that day comes again that your dream comes true.. but still a part of you died that day when they did. That pain never goes away.. the heart never heals. This is what it is like for a special lady that I have come to know online. Sadly I know her pain all too well as some of us do. Some people are lucky that everything comes to them so easily and for those of us who suffer and sacrifice to get those things when it finally does happen it is bittersweet but the memory of what has been or what could have been is always just beneath the surface. Please join me in sending her your love and support. This is one of those anniversaries that makes it all come back to you like it was yesterday. The days may pass and time may move on.... but the past is something we will always carry with us. Especially when its is a broken heart. My wish is that none of you suffer through such pain and that none of you ever understand what it is like. Hold your children tight and give them an extra big hug and kiss at bedtime tonight, for you are truly the blessed ones. Even if it doesn't feel that way. Christina you are in all of our thoughts on these difficult days. Know our hearts are going out to you.

My strength........

2008-08-21T17:29:00.000-07:00

I have been so miserable since Sunday.. the day they cancelled my IVF cycle but today I hit a wall.. I am so stressed and I am so tired but I just don't seem to feel anything anymore. I am not going to be that person anymore. I want to be the person the kind of mom my children desire. I need to be strong and honestly and truly my strength comes from my experiences in my life and from my girls as well as from all you wonderful ladies that have come into my life for one reason or another. My sadness has been very selfish it is not the worst thing in the world and it is sadly not going to be the worst thing to ever happen to me. I need to let it go and move on. I know that. I really do, I just wish someone could tell my heart that. Maybe its the hormones or maybe its the emotions but I am finding it so hard this time to let go.. I am dissapointed in myself and my trust for Dr. G is faltering but I will stay strong and I will continue down this path. I am so happy to finally report that the "friend" I asked you all to think about and keep in your prayers was my sister. She is almost 10 weeks now and things are lookin and feeling good for her so please keep up the good work! This is her time and even though I am green I am thrilled for her and I am excited at the thought of being an auntie again. She has the world's most incredible little girl. She is honest and truly the light of my life. Even on my darkest days I just have to look at a picture of her and my heart melts and I smile. I need that more days than I would like to admit... especially recently. BUT I DIGRESS... I will pick myself up and dust myself off and move on. Now onto "pain" yes the heartburn is still here but much better.. I wake up at night with it now and a couple times during the day I am getting it.. but it really is much better. THe cm is still "flowin" but its a little better too.. my boobs are aching and frankly a little swollen that is my only "complaint". An odd one... but interesting one. I am sure these are all from the meds but since the abdominal pain is finally gone maybe I will be able to enjoy my weekend.

Here I am... I am here..

2008-08-20T18:23:00.000-07:00

Here I am. I am ok. I am still dealing with heartburn and a little bit of pain still but aside from the stress I am ok. Thank you to all your kind thoughts and words. TOnight I am tired and I am exhausted but I am ok. I am still mad but I am not as angry and I am more accepting. All I want is the heartburn to go away so I can enjoy my stress filled day! LOL! a little over a week and I will be able to breathe again. How I look forward to that. Hopefully by then it will be deep breaths with no pain. I would just like to say that without you ladies I really don't know where I would be! Thank you! AND to all those lucky ladies with their positve betas! You give me hope... where I sometimes feel hope is lost.

Not much to say.... just tears

2008-08-19T18:09:00.000-07:00

I really don't have much to say. I just want to crawl under the rock and stay there. I pulled out the old file last night and read it top to bottom... all 24 cycles that I had at the clinic and the numbers the E2 levels and how they fluctuate cycle to cycle or the follies turn into cysts. What was hardest was seeing the cycle I got pregnant with the girls. E2 went a little crazy then too. But that worked! :( I don't know.. I read all about the stuff they don't tell you I read that I had a subchorionic hemmorage then and didn't know I read that there was a suspicion right from the very very first u/s that something was wrong and noone said anything hoping it would resolve itself. I read all the comments and I cried. I had a good cry because I was sad for another setback but I started to think negatively for the first time in months. I was just thinking that everything would turn out ok and fooled myself again. This is my only chance my one and only IVF chance. I need everything to be perfect! I cry for the physical pain I am in, I cry for the emotional pain I am in, I cry because I miss my girls and that happiness... and I cry because I am so worried I will never be a mom and all this shit, all this pain and suffering will have been for NOTHING! We celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in September and we would have had our beta that week... it would have been too perfect! OBVIOUSLY TOO PERFECT! SO THAT MEANS IT WOULDN'T WORK! I hope that next month I can continue.... and there are no cysts... but the realuity is that those 35 follicles some will be cysts! So that means October/November time frame for the next cycle. DAMMIT! All I can do is pray. Pray it will be ok and pray that my journey will finally have a happy ending. For those who have asked and commented... thank you for your postive thoughts and prayers. The physical pain is getting a little better. but the CM is increasing which means the estrogen level is going up.... which means they are still growing. Right now the headaches are tolerable but the heartburn is causing me to take 2 bio enzyme pills during the day becaise I feel like I am having a heart attack. 2 days in a row this has happened... my stomach is constantly making noises and rolling which is ironically very reminiscent of my pregnancy with the girls.. I swear to you I feel butterflies.... I take it that is a sign from Grace and Anna that they are gonna help me get through it. Ironically I discovered that the bracelet that said love my girls on it those very words appear to have been scratched out. I should have known that was a bad sign... anyways on this day I am thinking and feeling that they are giving me signs... now wasn't right. Things would have ended badly.. lets start things off fresh and right. USE your MOUTH tell them what you are thinking and feeling! I shall! Believe me I shall!

Like tossing out 3 dozen eggs.....

2008-08-18T15:37:00.001-07:00

From the very beginning I just knew something wasn't right. I didn't want my heart to know what my mind already did. This was just not meant to be. The pain the actual physical pain was getting worse each day and I knew it was too early... then the amount of (TMI) CM was astonishing... I know all too well what that means! I went to my appointment and I was in and out in less than an hour.... A new record for me! When I was there I was starting to feel more sick than the day before.. I was just so nauseous.. and my lower abdomen was killing me.. I came home and changed and crawled right back into bed with my hubby... He woke up and said OMG did you miss your appointment.. then I laughed and said nope been there and I am back already. We spent another half hour just lying in bed.. eventually I had to get up and get dressed but I just felt so crappy.. I cannot really explain it.. I just felt so sick and so sore.. but again I pushed those thought deep down. We went and got groceries and then came home and he pulled out the 2 evergreen trees in the front yard. They had grown too tall and looked soo odd in the front flower bed. He wanted to do something good for the environment so he decided to drive an hour or two away and plant them somewhere up North. Here is a picture of before and after they are planted.

I stayed in the car hoping the fresh air and drive would help me feel better. The seatbelt was a little loose so that I could breathe more comfortably.. for the record it didn't help. We wanted to drop off a card for my sister since it was her birthday but once we got in touch with her she invited us over for dinner so we had to come home and change.. besides I had to come home to get my medication to bring it and take it. We came home and I checked my voicemail and there it was the voicemail I had been dreading. It was a message from the clinic saying that my estrogen level shot up (you don't say!!?-with meds that hight how could it not!?) and they needed to cancel the cycle... they didn't realize how "sensitive" I would be to the medication.. who in the hell do you think you are talking to!? I have been on Gonal-f for the better part of what 4 or 5 years... ALMOST ALL OF WHICH WAS AT YOUR CLINIC! We all knew I was sensitive the meds.. I have many cancelled cycles to prove it! BUT HEY IVF is just gonna kick my body in gear and magically I won't be sensitive. YA RIGHT! SO NOW I blew $1000 in meds that did nothing but make me miserable to be around and feel like crap... great! Now the cycle is cancelled, I am totally and completely devastated and in soo much pain I am taking aspirin... and anyone who knows me knows it must be pretty fucking bad for me to be taking pain medicaton! I am pissed off obviously but I feel like I was fooling myself and I was stupid to think that anyone else would know my body better than I do! I feel angry and sad and I just want to crawl under a rock.. but I don't have that luxury. Waht I have is time.. time to focus on the next cycle... of course that will probably be cancelled too because now that I have 35 follicles that were growing... who knows what will happen... I will either have a really heavy period OR I will have to take the damn provera AGAIN to bring it on. Seems like an awful waste to me. I just hope none turn into cysts! I sucked it up because I do love my sister and this is a time now that maybe she needs me... so I decided to suck it up and go to her place for dinner. I will admit it was nice to spend some time with them but my headache had gotten so much worse so my sister and I went out and bought some aspirin and I took it and literally fell asleep on her couch after dinner. I woke up later and felt even worse, my headache was there but so was my abdomen and I just felt that everything was so tight on me.. I lay there for hours waiting for my hubby to come back to my sister's place so I could leave and come home. I felt terrible here it was her birthday and I was stuck there and she was working.. All I wanted to do was come home and sleep. FINALLY at 10:30 they arrived back and I was able to go home... the funniest part was all I could think about was how pissed off she must have been that she didn't get her Dairy Queen which they had promised they would bring her back on their way back. I went home and curled up in a ball in bed and just passed out.. so that is why no post yesterday. Today was rough but the pain actually is a little bit better... the headaches are still here but they are much better than they were so I guess they cancelled me at the right time. I am a little scared about OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation) but after some wonderful ladies online have reaassured me that the trigger is what ultimately does it I feel much more relieved. Thank you to you wonderful ladies for your constant support I wish you knew how much it means to me. It haws been hard because my one vvery good friend is off on vacation and she was the only one who knew about what I was going through and I just feel so lost without her. Funny how you come to depend on people...

The oddest day

2008-08-16T12:03:00.000-07:00

Today has been extremely odd. It started off with my ultrasound and bloodwork.. lots of growth but nothing measurable yet.. and they decreased the meds to 112.5iu. Back again tomorrow.

I came home and had a nap.. I am finding one of the side effects from the drugs being that I am so tired and a little sore in the lower belly... I came home and put on the tv and was watching tv and fell asleep watching.. I woke up to the sound I'm pregnant. I opened my eyes and it was married with children.. Peggy announcing she was 5 months pregnant and Marcy had just found out she was pregnant. Great I thought to myself... Even the TV is against me... but then I watched the show and I thought hmm something is odd here. I don't remember them having a third bundy child! So I looked it up on the internet and discovered something that dropped my jaw! Katey Sagal (AKA Peg) was pregnant in real life during the filming of the 6th season but had an emergency c-section at 7 months and lost the baby. So the show wrote in that her pregnancy was a dream out of respect to her... it woudl be difficult having to deal with newborns on the set (they also wrote in that Marcy had a miscarriage) I was stunned to hear that. I was also stunned to read that she had several miscarriages and after years of infertility she finally had a baby just last year via IVF. Gives hope. Then I started wondering who else has had issues in Hollywood so I looked it up. I have listed below some of them with note that these are "reported" and not neccessarily TRUTH. Many celebrities do not admit to IVF (ie Angelina Jolie) because there is still a stigma attached to it that something is wrong with you if you are infertile. The truth is that infertility is a disease and something that we have NO CONTROL over. It took me a long time to realize its not something that I need to be ashamed of its just another issue with me.

Amazing Race winners Uchenna Agu and Joyce Robinson have been trying to have a baby and IVF has been unsuccessful. They plan to use their winnings to cover further in vitro attempts or adopt.

Tom Arnold and ex-wife, Shelby struggled with infertility since 2002 until their divorce in 2007. To compensate for Tom's low sperm count and poor motility, they have tried IVF with ICSI 5 times with no success. In People, they discussed how difficult infertility has been on their marriage and the cost of IVF

David and Courtney Cox-Arquette have had a well publicized battle with infertility. After several miscarriages due to immunity problems and IVF, they finally had a healthy, baby girl, Coco. In a Good Housekeeping article, she said, "In vitro is a wonderful thing that people can do in this day and age, and I'm lucky enough to be able to afford it." She and her husband hope to try IVF one more time. If unsuccessful, they hope to bring Coco an adopted sibling.After 7 years of TTC,

actress Angela Bassett and her husband, "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" star Courtney B. Vance welcomed twins, Bronwyn Golden and Slater Josiah carried by surrogate.

Actress Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon gave birth to twins, Jaid and Jax, conceived after three miscarriages and failed IVF, according to People magazine.

Christie Brinkley sought in vitro fertilization treatment and had three miscarriages before giving birth at 44 to her third child, daughter Sailor Lee, with soon-to-be ex-husband Peter Cook.

LeVar Burton of Roots, Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Reading Rainbow and his wife Stephanie Cozart Burton had a daughter Michaela, born in July 1994. LeVar and his wife were very outspoken advocates for infertility.

Helena Bonham Carter and director, Tim Burton welcomed a baby girl in December 2007. After trying Clomid, IVF, and several alternative treatments, the baby was conceived naturally.

Marcia Cross skipped her honeymoon to start IVF and successfully conceived twins Eden and Savannah. Even Marcia, as an actress on a high-rated show, acknowledged the high cost of IVF, telling USA Today, "it's very expensive and (requires) a lot of needles and shots."

Jamie Lee Curtis and her husband, Christopher Guest adopted their children after realizing that infertility prevented them from conceiving. Jamie has written a book, Tell Me Again About The Night I Was Born. The book was "written to let children who joined their families through adoption know that their own birth stories were exciting, too".

Robert De Niro and his former companion model-turned-restaurateur Toukie Smith gave birth to twin boys via surrogate on Oct. 20, 1995.

Due to a rare, painful auto-immune disorder, sarcoidosis, Karen Duffy, MTV VJ, actress, and Revlon model was worried about exposing a child to her prescribed medications. She was able to have a child through a surrogate.

Former Mrs. International, Michelle Fryatt and her husband had multiple infertility diagnoses and tried IUI and IVF before adopting their baby.

Peri Gilpin, of Frasier, has two little girls, born May 7, by surrogate. She and her husband tried to conceive for 7 years. After many years of pain and failed IVF attempts, they were able to have two daughters, Stella and Ava.

Nancy Grace and her new husband had twins, Lucy Elizabeth and John David, reportedly conceived via IVF. Her babies were born two months early and then Nancy was rehospitalized days later to treat blood clots.

Kelsey Grammer and his wife, Camille used a surrogate after her Irritable Bowel Syndrome prevented her from carrying to full term. The couple welcomed Jude Gordon on August 28, joining sister Mason Olivia.

Melanie Griffith and her husband, Antonio Banderas struggled with secondary infertility for years and had some unsuccessful fertility treatment. Reportedly, the emotional pain caused by failed treatment is part of the reason why she entered rehab.

Deidre Hall, star of Days of our Lives, and husband Steve Sohmer suffered through several treatments for 20 years before turning to a surrogate.

Hugh Jackman and his wife, Deborra-lee Furness struggled with conceiving a child. After several miscarriages and failed IVF, they were able to adopt their children.

Actor/Comedian, Penn Jillette and his wife, Emily conceived their first child, Moxie through IVF.

Leila Kenzle, best known for her role as Fran Devanow, Jamie Buchman's (Helen Hunt) best friend for six years on the Emmy award winning "Mad About You," has co-founded FertilityLA in Sherman Oaks, California, a psychotherapy program for people who are struggling to get pregnant.

After an ectoptic pregnancy and miscarriage with ex-husband, Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman and country musician, Keith Urban are expecting a baby, allegedly conceived after eight months of fertility treatment.

Alex Kingston, of ER tried to have a child for 6 years before finally giving birth to a baby girl. She states, "It didn't surprise me that women were trying IVF so many times; there's that need, and it ultimately overrides everything else." She is now supporting HER trust, a charity dedicated to investigating unanswered questions about infertility. As well as funding research, the charity will provide information for women on reproductive issues.

Although never confirmed, Jennifer Lopez allegedly conceived her baby (babies??) via IVF after trying for 3 years.

Joan Lunden was able to have twins (twice!) with a surrogate mother.

Cindy Margolis- Supermodel/actress discusses her struggle with infertility and her desire to have a baby. She had her first child, Nicholas through IVF/GIFT in 2002. Her two daughters, Sabrina and Sierra were born prematurely by a surrogate on July 17, 2005. VH1 ran a special highlighting Cindy's career and struggle with infertility. Cindy recently published a guide about navigating infertility diagnosis and treatment.

According to People, Chris Meloni (Law and Order: SVU) and his wife Sherman Williams conceived their two children, Sophia and Dante, through surrogate. His wife remarked, "That someone would give up that much of themselves for somebody else. Its the greatest gift ever."

Laurie Metcalf, formerly of Roseanne and another Desperate Housewives,and her husband are new parents to a baby girl, born by surrogate in July 2005.

'Will and Grace' star Megan Mullally, has been trying to have a baby and admits that conceiving naturally will be very hard. Rather than turn to IVF, she is considering adoption.

Actress Valarie Pettiford and her husband, Tony Rader have been trying to conceive for over 5 years. She told Ebony magazine, "I felt so isolated and alone. It's difficult to talk about, but I want other women out there to know that they are not alone; there is support.

"Dennis Quaid and his wife, Kimberly had twins, Thomas Boone Quaid and Zoe Grace, born November 2007 via surrogate. Their faith was tested again when their babies were accidentally given a near-fatal overdose of Heparin.Not a movie or TV celebrity, but a political celebrity.

New Supreme Court Justice, John Roberts and his wife, Jane had difficulty conceiving. Her Catholic faith prohibited the use of infertility treatments. After a lengthy and emotionally draining process, they adopted Josephine and John. Our political sympathizer?!?

Julia Roberts gave birth to twins, a girl named Hazel Patricia Moder and a boy named Phinnaeus Walter Moder. It is rumored that she conceived through IVF, but her publicist denies it.

Katey Sagal, best known for her role as Peggy on Married with Children had a daughter in January 2007 born via surrogate.

Jane Seymour had multiple miscarriages and painful infertility treatments. She has also written a book "Two at a time" to describe her and her husband's ordeal.

Sherri Shepherd, of The View had a son through IVF. Her son was born at 25 weeks, at 1 lb. 10 oz. At last report, her son was doing well, but still in need of regular support. Thanks Brigitte!

Brooke Shields gave birth to baby, Grier (conceived naturally) on April 18, 2006. She had her daughter, Rowan after many IVF cycles. Brooke now speaks out on infertility (and yes, postpartum depression). Her book Down Came the Rain chronicles her struggles with infertility and postpartum depression.

Alexis Stewart, daughter of Martha Stewart, has been very open about her fight to become a mother. In an interview with Oprah, she remarks that she is "lucky" because her Mother pays for her $28,000/month treatment.

Sharon Stone reportedly suffers from recurrent early miscarriages and recently adopted her second child.

Brenda Strong (Mary Alice Young- Desperate Housewives) wrestled with infertility and turned to the practice of yoga to manage and alleviate the associated stress brought on by the diagnosis. She released a Yoga 4 Fertility DVD in 2004. She will serve as the first national spokesperson for The American Fertility Association (AFA).

Former Bachelorette, Trista Sutter conceived her son, Max naturally after trying for two years. She reported that they were considering IVF, but "it really is expensive."

Oscar-winner, Emma Thompson suffered a miscarriage in 1997 and was subsequently diagnosed with PCOS. She was able to have a daughter, Gaia in 1999 at the age of 40. Later IVF attempts failed. She is happy with her daughter, but notes that "there are thousands and thousands of women like me who can't have children." In 2006, Emma and her husband adopted a teenager from Rwanda.

Nia Vardalos, the genius behind "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" has been ttc for eight years. She is currently undergoing infertility treatment.

Actress Jo Beth Williams suffered from infertility and recurrent miscarriages. She stated, "You do become desperate. You go through periods where you cry for no reason and you want someone to help you." She and her husband finally adopted.

Trinny Woodall - one half of BBC's What Not To Wear team - is celebrating the birth of her first child. Trinny, 39, and husband, Jonny Elichaoff have named their daughter Lila and they couldn't be happier. Trinny said: "I'm so happy, I can't tell you how overjoyed I am." The couple previously suffered years of baby heartbreak; Trinny suffered nine failed attempts at IVF and two miscarriages before falling pregnant last year.

Stunning isn't it? Made me feel better to know that even the richest of the rich aren't perfect! I am not taking joy in their pain... I just wish it was more publicized... Maybe then insurance companies would start covering the procedures and drugs neccessary.

The day is ending like it began... be exhausted and anxious to find out tomorrow what the scans will show.

I AM A FUCKING GIRL!

2008-08-15T17:31:00.001-07:00

Ok where do I start... first of all omg all this medication is getting to my head. I am weepy at commercials I am miserable and I am annoyed ver very easily! I was sitting here and a commercial came on that literally brings tears not only to my eyes but causes them to roll down my cheeks... incredible. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atKVaG4nIVo

So my hubby decides to go out for ice cream... great. We take my sister her hubby and our niece and I order something simple... the lady says here you go sir. SIR! I shrugged it off and pretended I didn't want to reach across the ice cream counter (like Batman did to the Joker) and drag her skinny ass over to my side and punch her in the face. I allowed myself to appear unemotional... and yet again there are tears in my eyes... here I am upset and emotional. Stupid bitch! I am a fucking girl! The medication that I inject daily seems to be pooling just under my skin and I am sure I can feel it like little bubbles under the skin. Hopefully feeding the follicles their much needed growth good stuff. I laugh that I don't think in an entire cycle I had as much gonal-f in my system as I do here today on day THREE of my meds. Crazy!

I found a new show that I just must share with you. It is sooo friggin funny I just cannot share....it is too good. It is called Gene Simmons Family Jewels, He was that famous member of KISS... with the leather clothes and the holes in odd places and spikes and long tongue and that face makeup... He has a reality show about his family. They are the most SANE INSANE family I have seen. He makes me laugh whether it be because he is parasailing in Turks and Caicos or he is driving a car with teh "rap" hydraulics and he thinks he is going to die.. because the car is lifting and dropping... OR because his wife messed with the car and now its dead in the middle of the desert and the only one available to pick him up is CARROTTOP! YES HIM! HIM! Carrot top takes him under the stage and shows him where he makes all those hilarious props... On this particular day he is making jail bars for Paris Hilton and the bars are made of.. well Gene calls them "back massagers" We all know what they really are... VIBRATORS -- AND THEY ACTUALLY HAVE BATTERIES IN THEM! Well Gene picks one up and after a few moments he realizes that there was glue on it and it is now STUCK TO HIS HAND. He has to attend his sister-in law's wedding in mere moments and attends with a jacket over his arm... only to expose to Sharon (his long time girlfriend) that it is still stuck to his hand. I could not stop laughing.... this man is hilarious. He is always trying to create new business opportunities EVERYWHERE HE GOES... This is a show to watch and laugh. What is most ironic is that as megalomanical as he is his family is totally together. THe kids do recognize dad has an ego the size of Texas and he is always driving them nuts but at the end of it all he loves them. He wants them and he truly adores them. Some of us should be so lucky to have parents that give a shit and go out of their way to show us they do. What a sad day when we have broken families we have kids who don't understand love and then wonder why they are all screwed up. It all starts at home... Some of us come through the shit with a better understanding of what we want and need and others are just lost. OK wow that went off the rails a little. sorry. My mind just wanders. Now on to much much more important things. There is a fellow blogger here who after many losses and heartache and heartbreak got a POSITIVE pregnancy test today. Congratulations to you Gretchen I am totally thrilled! She gives us all HOPE! I would also like to send a great big hug to another special lady who had a transfer today. My heart is with you today. Pregnant until proven otherwise! ;)

I also have a very good friend who received a negative beta... and my heart breaks for her. We all know too well what it is like to received negative betas month after month. Please keep her in your thoughts.

A few blog posts ago I mentioned this wonderful shiatsu massaging chair... Here it is.

Girl I think you slipped outta gear!

2008-08-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

Had my acupuncture this morning and shot myself up tonight with yet more meds! I already have moer meds in my system by day 4 than i did with my IUI's until day 15! HOLD ONTO YOUR HAT the bitch is coming back! Today I snapped at someone several times at work... good thing they are off for a couple days... I need to learn how to behave! The headache set in late in teh afternoon but totally doable. What I am having an issue with is my brain is totally scatterbrained.... to that end I forgot i had the car and was workign away working waiting for hubby to pick me up when he pings me and says hello... and i am like HI! THen I realize O SHIT I HAVE THE CAR! I am only 20 minutes late picking him up! Totally zoned out.. BRAINDEAD ME! OOPS... OK so yesterday I forgot to put what makes me laugh so tonight its a double!
What made me laugh today was my coworker at lunch... dude made a little person out of a piece of torn paper and straw condom... arms moved and everything... THEN the other guy made a penis on it... I laughed soo hard... it was soo funny! The double is that after he made it they put it on top of a plant.... TOO FUNNY! He took a picture so maybe I can share it! LOL! I laughed so hard... and all afternoon through the stress I just kept thinking and laughing! Well I am friggin exhausted again tongiht so I am heading to bed even earlier tonight! ONE OTHER THING... this GONAL-F is making me thirsty!! (think pretzels --- Friends afficionados will get the joke!) but seriously I drink soooooo much water its crazy!

The first day....

2008-08-13T17:05:00.000-07:00

My Gonal-f Pen (225iu/night)

Drug pack.. has in it the wipes and the sharps container, as well as the extra needles.

Well today I started my injections! WOOHOO! I decided that I would document it and share me giving myself my first injection of my IVF cycle. TWO WORDS.... FUCKING HURTS! OK so I had this brilliant idea... I would lose weight and it would help me to prepare bla bla bla. STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE! I lost all that happy fat... so now it hurts like hell when I give myself the needle. It is also a friggin load of medication 225iu is ALOT of meds and it burns. LOL! I am sure tomorrow thre will be a bruise but I have more acupuncture tomorrow morning... so it will add to the bruises any ways. I cannot beliegve it but Here are some pics of what will be happening everynight for pretty much the next 2 weeks. Please ignore the belly.. and the marks all over it... especially the ugly belly button!!

First and most importantly 130MIL --ICSI WHY AGAIN?

2008-08-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

WOW what a day I don't even know where to start! Well ok I went into work and then I had to leave at 9 for my ultrasound... my first ultrasound of my IVF cycle.. exciting. So I got there very overfull bladder in tow and and people actually recognized me. 2 years later I am recognized... strange but kinda reassuring. So I have my ultrasound finally I can pee... note to self NEVER DRINK THAT MUCH AGAIN... I swear to you I spent the entire day peeing! Just as the bladder would empty it would fill again! I didn't want to be yelled at for an unfull bladder so now I go overboard! While I am in there it was please push on your left please push on your right side..lol Then she asked a bunch of questions about my period and my previous pregnancies... It was interesting. Then I waited for the nurse... i waited and waited and then a nurse called my name gave me my file and said they need to see you upstairs. I am not a hyperventilator but I went into totoal panic mode... OMG what is wrong?? I convinced myself something was wrong. There are no follicles and I have reached menopause or I am not really on my period (whoch is quite possible because it is soo light...but the cramps are a new version of torture!) I waited and waited I swear to you when the nurse came out and got me my I felt my heart actually stop beating... I had no colour in my face and I was sweating and shaking... We went into the room and I said oK what's wrong!? She was like O no since you are an IVF patient we are seeing you up here instead of you meeting downstairs with the regular nurses thats all. I was so relieved. After all I was worrying for nothing. First thing she did is check that the s/a came back and it was 130MILLION then she looks at me and says ummm why are you doing ICSI again? LOL! After explaining the whole thing again she was like ok well Doctor's orders so that takes presedence. I couldn't believe it that was it.. go buy your meds and tada!! Well I bought my meds got my pack and away I went... I went back to work and then had to leave again at 2:45 for my acupuncture appt.. that also went really well. HOORAY FOR ME! PINS AND NEEDLES AlL OVER AGAIN! ;) Hence the title of the blog...it works on 2 levels.. LOL!
I got home and had a voicemail telling me to start the meds tomorrow bloodwork looks fine. UMM I thought I was supposed to start tonight? O good grief! ALready a little confusion! That is ok though things only work well when there is a little stress for me. I need a little drama! ;)
O and my friend had her ultrasound today and she is 6w 5 days with one baby and one very large sac. HB was 150. Hooray keep up the good thoughts! I was so thrilled to get her e-mail today telling me the good news. SO I start my meds tomorrow 225iu of Gonal-f. THAT IS ALOT OF MEDICATION DAILY - return on Saturday morning! Probably start the cetrotide then as well. Going to keep up the acupuncture so that means back to that again on Thursday. I already had a chat with my 15 potential follicles on the left and 20 on teh right.. NOW is not the time to start misbehaving save that for after you are born.. Just grow and bury yourself into the cushiness!!

DAY ONE

2008-08-11T17:51:00.000-07:00

Today is day one. Woohoo and yahoo! Tomorrow I have a doctor appt in the morning and acupuncture in the afternoon. I am really tired today.... my brain is just is on super high.... and I am just worn out. Hubby decided that for dinner we would go for ice cream I know you are laughing but try it sometime. It was just great... Onlyh at 9pm now I am hungry so I had pasta! That healthy! O AND YES I ATE my Hard boiled egg today...every day till ER Iknow... LOL! What made me laugh today.... how I work soo much better when under stress... laugh hmmm I made a joke today that made me laugh... I have been doing online scrap booking and went through all the pictures all dya yesterdya that I may use .. I laughed so hard at how goofy we are sometimes... and how much we have been through... funny to see how our bodies have changed since then too!! O well we are getting old.. that is supposed to happen right!?

Change.....

2008-08-10T17:53:00.000-07:00

Well I am sure you all realize that my blog got a face uplift. I hope you like it...I figured it was time... I had been working on it for longer than I am willing to admit and with some help from a good friend who showed me how simple things can be instead of always looking for the hard way to do things... (thanks "baby") I thought it was time to put a face on here. We are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in September and its been almost as long that we have been TTC. I am so hoping this end of the journey will be happy one. On that note I am finally spotting... silent WOOHOO! That should make tomorrow DAY 1 which means I start stimming on Tuesday.
Laughter is great medicine. On that note thank you kat! I accidentally stated several nights ago that I had a night of uninterrupted sex when I OBVIOUSLY meant SLEEP! SLEEP!! NOT SEX! Rather large difference! LOL! HEE HEE!! I had a good laugh at that one.. I even shared it with my hubby who also laughed then thought.. .hmm maybe it was a subconcious thing telling you we need to pull an "all nighter" HA HA! NEVER HAPPEN!! I am too old and too tired!
Anywhoo I learned some new things while watching tv today I thought I would share. Did you know that cranberry's were in pemmecin? Did you also know that cranberries are in COSMOS? So from now on while trying to avoid UTI's have a cosmo several times a week! LOL! If (espoecially women) drank a glass of cranberry juice a day they would be able to ward off the bacteria that builds up in the urinary tract.. Now for the really interesting thing. Cranberry cocktail has little to NO REAL CRANBERRY JUICE! So if you were thinking that drinking cranberru cocktail was doing anything.. you are wrong. Isn't that good to know. I am so limited to what I can and can't drink as it is I always thought that dam juice was not only going to be good for me but tasty as well. One last thought... please keep good thoughts for my friend.. (I mentioned her perviously) her 8 week ultrasound is Tuesday. Thank you. She needs all the positive thoughts and prayers she can get.

Hiccups

2008-08-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

I have crazy hiccups tonight... driving me nutso! So this post will be short. OK first of all RIP Bernie Mac. I watch soo many hospital shows and how many times have I heard them say sarcoidosas? How sad he died from that. Life is too short! Truly! Saw Pineapple Express today and the movie has some really funny moments... but ultimately its not a "superbad" or "knocked up" I am so glad I am not a stoner.. but still I laugh at stoneresque movies. Weird I know. AF is still playing hide and seek. AND HIDING STILL! FRIGGIN HELL MAN I have the cramps and I am for once awaiting it. Ironically enough a month from now I will be praying it hides again!! I am so tired and still have hiccups and I am hoping for a full nights sleep tonght.. I have yet to sleep through the night yet.. still up every hour.. but at least getting sleep. I will take that! WHat made me laugh today.. hmm I acutally laughed alot at the movie but really what had alsmost in tears today is my niece. She is 3 1/2 years old and she does and says the funniest things. She stood there with her legs spread and said unkie come under so he wouold slide under her.. like when you are dancing then she would straddle walk over him and then she would go under his legs. It was really funny to watch. She loves to dance and sing and laugh. Anytime I spend with her she makes me laugh. She is one of the most precious gifts we have ever received in our family. I cannot image having a bad day and comng home to her cause she will always make you smile!

PETA - Hang your heads in shame!

2008-08-08T18:14:00.000-07:00

OK so I will start this off with an offtopic conversation. I am totally disgusted that anyone can take such a horrific tragedy and decide to take the pain and suffering and try to turn it into a way to garnish support for your cause. For those of you in the US who are probably not aware of what happened this week in Manitoba there was a man on a greyhound bus who was for no apparent reason just because...he is a psycho decided to stab a man to death then behead him and hold his head up high, gut him cut off parts of him and then take bites out of him. He was sleeping... Did nothing to invoke such complete and total anger. Anyways. PETA decided this was a good oppportunity to try to publish the statement to the left here in the local paper. I am so glad that no paper would dare do this. However just the thought that someone could be so uncaring and callous to even create this kind of ad shows us what is wrong with this world. I will take this chance to tell you that I am not a vegan or vegetarian and I have nothing against those that are... but how can you support someone who does something so cruel. This poor family is grieving.. really the whole nation seems to be. Tim (the victim) was 22 years old and he could have been anyone's brother, son, husband. So I repeat hang your head in shame.

OK Nnow that I am done with that rant... on to better things. WHERE IN THE HELL IS MY PERIOD!?? I am so annoyed that it is still MIA! HURRY UP AND COME DAMMIT! I am done the pills and I usually get it during the pills so what the hell? On a more positive note I have this wonderful new treat. Thank you TIFFY!! It is this shiatsu chair... i love the massage... my back feels soo wonderful.. I am so happy. I hope I can still use it when I am stimming it will help me relax... I will be doing that PLUS the acupuncture so that should really help release the stress from IVF. I have attached a picture.. I LOVE IT!

Something that made me laugh. Well I watched the finale of Last Comic Standing and laughed my ass off at Marcus.... sorry he should have won. Sometimes I wonder what America is thinking when they vote... I have had a myriad of emotions today actually. I woke up and I was so glad I had almost a full night of uninterrupted sex... I was so happy!! Then I came downstairs and I just started crying... I cannot even tell you why I just did. Tonight I watched Hopkins and Deliver me... Hopkins had you believing the guy got a successful liver transplant only to find out at the end that a couple months later he had a blocked artery and died. So I start thinking of how short life is and how unpredictable it can be... so I am crying... I decide OK I will watch deliver me now. This is a show about 3 OBGYNs and stories of pregnancies... sometimes it just makes me feel good to see happy endings.. especially when you don't think they will end that way... BUT this episode was just so sad.. woman contracted CSV in her first trimester... didn't end well... went in at 31 weeks to talk to a perineonatologist and they do an ultrasound... baby is gone already... Brought me right back to that moment when we found out Grace and Anna were gone... I remember looking at the ultrasound and seeing no more flicker of the heart.. no more movement no more life... My heart just broke for that poor woman. A pain I know all to well. SO again I am bawling my eyes out. OK ENOUGH OF THAT NONSENSE! I decide to come on and read the blogs of all the wonderful ladies online... I draw such strength from you all. You are my hope and my inspiration! I wish you knew how much you touch me with your honesty and strength. I have been working on a new look for my blog... for a while now. I finally get it done and it looks great to me.... NOW I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET IT ON THE BLOG!!

If anyone knows how to get scrapblog onto your blog... please share!! I am losing my mind trying to navigate the HTML code.

4 Hours and last 2 pills

2008-08-07T18:52:00.000-07:00

Four hours sleep last night. WOHOO! I love it... I survived the day and I am feeling a little tired now so maybe a ful night tonight!? I finished the last 2 pills today (silent woohoo) So hopefully the sleepless nights are over! THank you for sending over the sheep i counted up to over 1000 last night.. seems to have doen the trick!
OK so funny thing.. What made me laugh today? HMM I read a wonderful blog that brough such a huge smile to my face... this woman overcomes soo many challenges and keeps going and she is truly an inspiration. THank you for making me smile! :)

NEED SLEEP... MUST SLEEP!!

2008-08-06T17:45:00.000-07:00

I started the provera and started to get cramps and moodiness within days. Then Monday night I couldn't sleep... I figured it was cause I was jsut coming back from vacation and I was nervous.. then again Tuesday night a couple hours of sleep and I am wide awake I have never ever experienced insomnia before... it is tryly horrible. I want to sleep! I NEED TO SLEEP! BUT I CANNOT! After tossing and turning a hundred times and waking up poor sleeping hubby I decided to come downstairs... so I come down at 2am and watch tv for hours and then i hear hubby screaming for me... I begrudgingly come back to bed and lay there with my eyes open for hours. That didn't help... I am so desperate for sleep... I have never gone 2 nights without sleep.. I know you are laughing at me thinking its good prep for when we finally have a baby... don't think that doesn't occur to me... however I need sleep and there is just no reason for not sleeping. Apparently this is a side effect of higher doses of provera. I am so so so glad that tomorrow is my last 2 pills! WOO HOO!!! Then my friend can come and we can get started. Please send me good sleep thoughts for tonight... If I can get 6 hours I would be so happy!! Is that asking for too much?

comments

2008-08-05T19:34:00.000-07:00

I LOVE COMMENTS! I love reading them leaving them and it just totally makes my day to read that someone left me a comment.. makes me feel loved.... isn't that bizzare!?

Quick update is I have MAJOR CRAMPS and moodiness so the provera is working! Bring on the AF!!! I am ready!

two years worth of blogs in 6 hours!

2008-08-03T19:37:00.000-07:00

I found this incredible blog today and I basically spent a full day reading this woman's journey.... SHe is INCREDIBLE! I am not only astounded at her strength and determination but I am shocked at how no matter what life throws at her she is confidant and positive and praises God for everything. She was truly blessed with beautiful children and I only wish that all of us are so fortunate! I started my provera today so I guess I am almost officially started onto this roller coaster. I have the cramps so I know it will work soon... I am excited and nervous all at once. THis will be a great month!! I want to be like the little engine that could... I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN! On another note my sister left my niece with us on Friday since we were on vacation and I just cannot tell you how much love I have for that child. I swear to you I cannot imagine loving anyone more than I love her. We had so much fun when she first arrived she wanted to play a game so we played then we went upstairs and woke up uncle Roy. She gave him a kiss and he woke up with this smile... then she decided to jump up and down on the bed and tickle him... I really hope that one day we can wake "daddy" up like that... What I meant to say is I look forward to the day we do that. :) Once we were all awake she decided she wanted to dance to her new favorite song. "Bleed it out" by Linkin Park.
She dances soo funny... just jumps around... I showed her how to throw your fist int he ari while dancing and videotaped it... it was very funny. I can't share it online but you just have to rust me its adorable! We then started to bake cookies... and cupcakes... very different looking cupcakes and hand cookies. Here are some pictures..

I let her do alot of the work. I let her help crack the egg and mix the ingredients both with the whisk and with the mixer. SHe also helped scoop the batter into the cones and decorate the cookies and frost the cupcakes. She really loved helping auntie. Soon after we finished with that it was time to go "nini" (sleep) I put her upstairs in her "princess bed" and read her some stories and made her promise me that she would sleep, I told her that if she sleeps that she would have a present waiting for her when she woke up. About an hour later I was in the kitchen and I could just sense that someone was watching me. I turn around and there is Carmie sitting on the stair with her woofy in her hands.. Auntie I slept where is my present? I laughed and said O no you don't. I took her back upstairs and gave her a stern talking to. She promised me she would sleep.... and then said AUntie I don't like this bed. So I put her to sleep in our bed instead. This little sweetheart sleeps with about 10 dolls... stuffed animals etc. I think the bed she was in was too small.. once I put her in our bed I checkd on her about 30 minutes later she was fast asleep snoring. WHEW! I was exhausted!! She slept for a good 2 hours! Woke up and I brought her downstairs and she asked for her present.. which I happily gave her. It was a new stuffed toy that unzips and has a blanket that come out. Then I took her downstairs to see daddy who had arrived earlier and was in the basement with my hubby. She came back upsiars aned wanted tot go outside and water the plants so I let her do that as well... right after her cupcake. Soon my sister came home I showed her the pics and videos I took and then we went back to her place to hang out. What a great day it was alot of fun!

Bad news is I am not pregnant, Good news is I am not pregnant

2008-07-31T17:01:00.000-07:00

WELL..........................

I will start off by explaining my title. I had a BHCG done yesterday so that I could start the provera to get this show on the road.

Yesterday was an interesting day, it started off with hubby having to provide his sample and sticking it between the boobs to keep it warm while we drive it to the clinic to have it tested... which is really a moot point considering we are doing ICSI anyways. I kinda laugh because its funny that his little men are being warmed between the boobs.... close to the heart. THen I had to have an appt to sign all the documents and our first born over to them... and pay the 8k. It is totally insane to think thay we so willingly paid that kind of money for a chance not even a guarantee. I know its worth it... This is our last chance. The appt went well and then we had to come home to get ready for our exciting night at Coldplay concert. We got there and tried to trade our tickets since we weren't sitting togehter but that didn;t work out so we instead decided to just split up and see each other on intermission and meet at the end. The opening band was pretty good but Coldplay was friggin AMAZING! The music was so great and being on the floor during it was soo cool! They played their songs from different locations on the stage and then even came out into the crowd to play "the scientist". I couldn't believe it when I looked up and butterfly shaped confetti was raining down on me. I wanted to cry because Roy was up in the stands and was missing it... I caught as much confetti as I could I and almost started crying thinking poor Roy was missing it. What an incredible experience. I took lots of pictures so I am posting some on here... I will start provera soon and tehn start stimming next week.Then the fun begins. AND the best news is my very close friend who has been trying to have a baby for a while... and has suffered through many miscarriages is finally pregnant! I am thrilled to pieces for her!! Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

I found this video and I swear to you this person was beside me ont he floor... this was my view!

and the shocks keep comin!

2008-07-29T18:51:00.000-07:00

Today I was scared out of my mind I had an appt with hubby to see the counsellor but I was freaked out cause I knew he wouldn't want to go.... so I chose not to tell him what the appt was about. Selfish yes but I know him and this was better... We went to the appt and I was so nervous I thought I actually was going to throw up. I told him on the way that this was an appt that was mandatory and I tried to get out of it.. which I did. But that it will be over quickly and we just have to talk to this person. Once we got in the room I looked at him and I could see in his face that look... that omg look... but it quickly turned to that its ok look. We sat in the chairs and we smiled at each other and we were very honest about how we felt. She taleked a little about the girls but soo much less than I expected. She was impressed with how prepared we were and how supportive of each other. She could really tell that we were a strong couple and you know I never really looked at it that way, but that is not the first time someone has said that to me. We have overcome alot in our marriage and I know that no matter what he will always be there for me. He promised that he would come in for both the the retrieval and transfer.. he was in neither last time. He also said that really he felt like my blog and online friends are my biggest supporters and tehy help me to deal with everything. OF COURSE that is true but I never realized HE KNEW THAT! LOL! Some days I just love him soo much. Tomorrow he has to go have his sample tested and then in the afternoon we sign the paperwork and pay the price... LOL pay for the procedure... I have some questions about the assisted hatching procedure and whether it is something I should be considering but aside from that I am ready to get in the cart and start this rollercoaster! Tomorrow night we have the Coldplay concert as well so that should be very exciting as well. I am sad we won't be sitting together but at the same time it's ok. Maybe we can trade in our tix for 2 seats next to each other. LOL! Any time spent with hubby is great time these days. Took me a long time to get to this point but I am really appreciating how much he is there for me and how much we have been through to get to this point. I am not naive I know that there is a chance that it won't work but even if that is the case my hope is that there are some frozen and we have that option open to us as well.... Fingers Crossed!!

Welcome to the world of infertility: Population --YOU!

2008-07-20T18:24:00.000-07:00

That is how I feel ... some days I feel like I am the only one who suffers..... some days I feel like there is no end to it all. Hopefully in 2 weeks when I start the stimming those days will all be a memory. I cannot believe that all of this all that we have been though for the better part of 8years has all come down to this. All my hope and all my dreams depend on what... 30 needles and 20 ultrasounds and the same amount if not more of bloodwork. Strange isn't it? I worry what will happen if this fails, I worry what it means for our future.... a life without children was never a thought in my head but now it may become a reality. I am willing to do anything and everything to improve my chances. I need to believe and I need to have HOPE I need to have FAITH..... I need to have patience. I have been doing alot of thinking and alot of praying alot of begging. Saturday morning I was getting dressed and broke my necklace. I wonder is it a sign? A sign that I need to let go of the past to look forward to the future? That necklace has been around my neck for over 2 years since I lost my precious daughters. It is a little box and inside it 2 little pink tear drop beads... representing the tears I shed for my little girls... how much I love them and miss them. It broke my heart that morning.... it is on a strong MANS chain and all I could think of was that it was a message from Grace and Anna.... let go and move on. Get ready for the next phase. That is the second message I have received in the last week. THe first was a conversation with my mother about a visit to the psychic several years ago. I never went back because I felt that she betrayed me by not warning of what was to come. My mother had a dream or a thought about the fact that she said there were 2 babies with my grandmother...I always beleived that it meant they were waiting to be born... but her point was that maybe that was the warning... they were in heaven with my grandmother because they weren't meant to be... and she was taking care of them....in heaven. I believe things happen in threes.... well I woke up with this overwhelming sense that I need to take the cross of their urns and put it on. I haven't even thought about wearing that again BUT suddenly I am thinking maybe I can. If it is truly meant to be there will be another sign.... So I will wait and see.

The broken necklace

Every embryo is made up of 4 grandparents chromosomes pick your inlaws wisely....

2008-07-18T12:45:00.000-07:00

Last night went to the IVF info session it was awesome got a tour of the lab and a tour of the recovery room over 2 hours of listening to the embryologist and nurse and doctor. Alot of the stuff I already knew but I actually learned some stuff too. We even got to see a live video of an ICSI procedure. I loved every second it was like the coolest course ever. I wish I was an embryologist... o if I could do it all over again I would study to be a doctor... an infertility specialist, perhaps even an embryologist. He was a total sweetheart and I really found the whole experience fulfilling and heartwarming. Bizarre I know but it really was. I cannot believe hoe prepared I feel this time. I know exactly what to expect and I am almost looking forward to it. I was sitting here thinking the other day.... just how different life is now or how different life would be if everything hadn't gotten so screwed up. I realized that my girls would be running around the house and causing trouble and doing all those things 2 year olds do. I can just see them with their blond hair in pig tails chasing each other around the house. Life is the opposite of what I thought it would be. I never imagined that in order to have a child I would spend most of my marriage going through such horrible unimaginable things and becoming obsessed with basal temparatures and cervical mucus and twinges of pain. What an odd way to have a child... the process of sticking a needle through a vaginal wall to poke many holes into the ovaries to suck out the follicular fluid -- i learned that last night... its the fluid not the eggs... silly me thought it was an egg they suk out but they dont know if there is an egg on the ultrasounds they can only see the fluid surroudning what they hope is an egg... we truly don't know if an egg is there until they get into the lab and separate them all out. Did I mention I thought itwas cool to learn that stuff? I am such a geek! Anyways not really how I pictured having a baby but if it works it is totally worth it. There are soo many women out there who have been blessed by this intervention of science. I hope to be one of those women! I am going to be the most loving mother who will dedicate her entire life to her child. I really believe that DH will be an amazing father too! He makes me laugh soo friggin hard some times... just the other day we were laughing our faces off I actually had tears running down my face from laughing at his half stache. Sorry inside joke.. and then there was the yoga pose. OMG HA HA! Anyways a couple more weeks of this and then the fun begins.

Tired....sooooo tired.....

2008-07-16T18:08:00.000-07:00

What an intersting an exhausting week. I seriously need a drink! I gave up alcohol for obovious reasons but I really really could use one today! I feel like I was running a marathon all day. Its kinda funny but our relationship has taken a totally new twist. It is like we are back to where we were when we were dating. Its kinda nice but at the same time its also exhausting.... so relly sleep is my only down time right now. SHe says as she yawns!! I think I may just have a nice warm bath and try not to fall asleep in it! LOL! Its the finale tonight of Celebrity Circus and I am pretty sure Antonio will win but MAYBE Stacey will. IN MY OPINION I feel like Stacey should win but really who cares! LOL! I am watching the baby borrowers and even watching all the little psychos still makes me want to have them. I think that is a sign I am ready right!? Now the question is IS MY BODY!?

My name is "Shell" and I am a researchaholic....

2008-07-15T16:58:00.000-07:00

My name is Shellie and I am a researchaholic... I am totally and completely obsessed with researching... it never ceases to amaze me how you can look up a subject and find 10 million pages on it. When it comes to the world of infertility there is no end to the amount of things you can find out. What is the right diet? What shouldn't you eat? What are the fertility boosting foods? When it comes to IVF even though i have been through it once it was rushed and it wasn't the best process and experience... I am reading every article about it. ICSI has soo many bad things associated with it a shocking amount of bad information actually I was thrilled to read today that there is finally some good information out there. They have been doing alot of studies and that is a great thing I am all for the studies. It proves to me that the ends of the earth that I am willing to go to are not all in vain and I really don't want to do anything that is bad to either myself or the potential children. I believe I am having this experience for a reason I have no idea what that reason is but it keeps me sane to believe that. There are a few things I want to talk about beside my new addiction of research. I went to Edgefest on teh weekend and it was so awesome and I had alot of fun but I really think I am just too old for this stuff. The standing in the rain with no umbrella (not allowed) and the mud and the standing for hours upon hours lineups to go pee are like 4 hours and then its even more than that for the beer. Here are a few pictures below.

More on the IVF thing.... cause it is the single most important thing in my life these days. Thursday is the info session all about IVF. I think I am losing my mind because I am soo excited about this and yet it is going to be one of the hardest things that I have gone through. I am literally putting all my eggs into one basket! Hubby had the bloodwork he will bring in his sample when we are off that week and ALSO that week we have an appt with the counsellor ..... he is soo going to hate that!!! Also we will be paying the fees and signing the forms that week. There is so many things to do before that happens.

OK for those of you who read this blog I need your help. I have a very very good friend whose wife is expecting....they had their ultrasound and didn't give them a copy of the picture. They wanted the Dr to see it first then if everything is ok they would give them the pictures. THey are 12 weeks so now I am just relieved but cautiously optomistic. The ultrasound showed that there was blood beneath the baby... ok from the daddy's point of view from beneath the baby I am thinking its a hemmorhage of the placenta and they are concerned about it. Has anyone heard of this or seen this? Please pray for her and their baby. I am trying to do research to see what I can find out but I am really worried for them. Thank goodness they aren't and they are excited and telling everyone their wonderful news!! Me being the worry wart I am and knowing how things can change I am concerned.

The Terrible Tenaculum!!

2008-07-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

There is a new instrument of torture in the fertility world. Beware of the tenaculum! This is used to grab the cervix and pull it open or get it to do things when your body is misbehaving and not cooperating with the doctor!

I went in for my Saline Sono today and again this terrible tenaculum had to be used. I arrived and whilst waiting ran into another girl I had seen previously for some reason we both remembered each other. Made me feel much better. I started to calm down. I went into the room changed into my paper sheet.... LOL ran into the room bare-assed... the ultrasound girl was gentle.. soo gentle it was unbelievable Mr Wand was gentle! She took some internal pictures and I smiled and made jokes when she went out to call Dr G to come in she came back and gave me my cell phone that my hubby had dropped off cause I forgot it in the car. Then when Dr G came in he said are you nervous? I laughed and said umm yes i see those instruments of torture over there ha ha! He began simply just inserting the speculuum.. something all women have had.. just like a pap. They jack you open. then he says ok I am going to insert the catheter then he says uhoh its not going in... I am going to try again so he pokes it again and pulls and pushes on the speculum.. (what I wouldnt give to clamp his penis and pull and push it!!!) and says ok now I am sorry I need to use the clamp. Now ladies.... IS THIS A CLAMP!? Clamp with pincers on it!? I braced myself for the pain. I thought omg ok deep breaths and think happy thoughts! He pinches it and pulls it all around and then says ok lets start again! So he clamps it again. What it feels like for me is a huge cramp that starts at the tip of the vajayjay and goes deeper into your back and uterus. I just thought happy thoughts and did deep breathing just like on the wiifit breathe in and breathe out through your nose. I held onto the cell phone with the picture of my niece and just stayed perfectly still he filled the balloon and then they inserted Mr Wand and took a bunch of pics and then just as quickly as it was started it was over. Removed the catheter and then felt all the liquid gush out I lay there a couple minutes then ran bare assed to the change room and I was done! Well next step is done so I can check that off my list! Now all hubby has to do is bring in his sample and have our counselling session and we are good to start! WOOHOO!!

Bad Blogger!

2008-07-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

OK OK I know I am being very bad blogger. I need to post more often. I will I promise.

OK So THe second anniversary of giving birth to my precious girls went off like any other day. Yes I remembered them and every aching moment of it came rushing back to me like a bad dream but I survived it. They will always be in my heart and in my life forever. This was a nice day of just having fun with my sister and my family.

I am having some of the best times of my life now and I really never even thought I would survive after their birth. If I didn't know better I would think that Carmela came into my life to give me happiness the extreme kind of joys that make my days filled with less tears and more smiles. She is truly one of a kind. SHe may only be my niece but I swear to you that I love that little girl like she is my own. The time that I spend with her are some of the happiest most fulfilling times of my life. She makes me laugh to the point of crying she makes me laugh so hard that I literally fall down to the ground because my legs buckle from laughing so hard. She fulfills Roy and I so much more than I ever could have imagined. We have really grown in the last couple of years since we lost our girls. We have both learned that we can laugh again and live again... having fun doesn't mean we are forgetting what happened it means we are moving on. WE are ready to live again and love again.

Life is a really funny thing. Things happen that you least expect and when the worst happens that is when you see what you are truly made of. We never beleived for one second that our marriage was strong enough to handle something so horrific. The things we experienced and have lived through proves that we do have a good strong marriage and that when the times are tough we can pull ourselves out and survive.

I am very excited that next weekend I a m going to EDGEFEST really its one of the most exciting things I have done in years. It is going to be sooo much fun and I am really looking forward to spending the day with my sister and all her friends from work.

Tomorrow I am going to start back with my acupuncture and so that is truly exciting because that means I am on the brink of my first official IVF procedure.

To give you a taste of what I am in for... Here are some pictures.

ICSI

IVF STEPS

IVF MEETING

2008-06-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

OK. So I had my appointment witgh the IVF coordinator and I am very excited. My protocol is not what I expected it to be. Not bad just different. It is very interesting that I can feel so excited again after so much has happened. I am really looking forward to the whole process. I love the place I am at they make me feel like they actually care. The treatment I get is like heaven. I walk in there with my head held high and a big smile on my face. I know its odd... and unless you go through it you really have no idea what it is like but for me after everything I have suffered through it just feels soo good to be happy again. To have something positive to look forward to and to be just at peace with all that happened. That doesn't mean I don't miss my girls cause I do. I really really do. And I have no interest in replacing them but this is it. This is our chance. The time is now. And HUBBY is actually excited and going along with everything too. I am stunned and shocked. Feels too good to be true!!

Gout from the heart?

2008-06-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

The last week my foot has been aching, hoped it was the weather but the reality is 2 things.... My heart has been replaced by my foot and gout has decided to return again. I go on a diet eat hardly any beef... no alcohol.... just doesn't matter! This week is a very important week. It is a week that will run the gamat of emotions. Hard to believe but next Saturday has been 2 weeks since I gave birth to the most beautiful precious little girls ever. My daughters Anna and Grace. Even 2 years later not a day goes by that I don't think about them miss them or mourn them. I never thought I would be able to move on and to move past the pain but somehow I did. I found the strength that I never believed I had. The strength to live again, to look forward to something.. the future. Yes A future without my girls but still a future! Perhaps a future filled with love and laughing and maybe even a child. Wednesday is a very important day for me. I have my appointment with the IVF coordinator and that is exciting but also 2 years ago to that I already had the knowledge that Grace was gone... but that day was hte last day before our lives changed forever. On February 26th we discovered that Anna was gone as well. I try not to dwell but emotion is an fickle bitch. My heart hurts, my body aches. My mind races. I am so annoyed with this gout coming back so often.. I wonder if its something that comes from the mind and the heart and moves all the way down...... the pain is agony, the pain is horrifying the pill work great for a couple hours when it is at its worse... it makes me so sick I am worried I may puke the little food I am able to keep down. Very reminiscent of my labour with my girls.. the pain the puking sad but true. Once I start on this journey... my final journey I vow I will update this blog to keep record. I just finished watching The Da Vinci code for the first time and I have to say that I just loved it!! I even cried at the end... the thought that Mary Magdalene's sarcofagus is nestled under the stars that she bore a child named Sarah, incredible. I find myself lately being a little more willing to talk to God again. I chose not to watch this movie way back when due to Christian beliefs how ironic that while watching it that I turn back towards God. Life is a very odd and very interesting series of events. Some times they only come when you are ready to receive them. Like messages from beyond.

Like a visit to a theme park

2008-06-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling of excitement mixed with terror… when you get in line for the first time to go on the new rollercoaster… you are in line and each step you take is both a step closer to getting on the rollercoaster but yet your heart is beating out of your chest because you are absoloutely terrified? That is how I would describe how I feel now… I am in the lineup waiting for my appointment on June 25th with the IVF coordinator. Excited and yet terrified. This is our one and only chance I am literally putting all my eggs into one basket. Each step I take closer to getting on the roller coaster…starting my IVF regiment. Once I discover what protocol I am going to be on I will know more…. Apparently the IVF coordinator will provide me with all that information. I can’t wait. Strange I know but this ride is our last and I just want to get it started!!! What a bizarre twist of fate that at the end of our journey we are doing the one thing I swore I would never do!

Does the Pain ever go away??

2007-10-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

When I lost my daughters I could never imagine a worse pain. The emptiness, the anger, the longing for my babies, waking up each day belieiving it was all a nightmare and they were there fast asleep in their cribs in the nursery. I was finally able to move on, I was ready to try again and this time would be different this time we would be successful. I really believed that. N o matter what I thought there was no way that life could be that cruel to me. But I was wrong wasn't I? Life can be that cruel in fact this time in many ways it was just a tease. Can you imagine believing you are pregnant only to go in and find out that it is just an empty sac? That once again you find yourself on the wrrong side of the odds. Except this time I cannot seem to come back. I am just so sad all the time and i have lost my will to do anything. I don't have the will to live anymore... its just not there. I want to scream and I want to cry and break things and make myself feel better and yet I don't think that anything will make me feel better. Even my husband has lost faith.... lost faith in me and faith in the fact that we will ever have children. What a sad dissapointing life and marriage this has turned out to be. Now he barely talks to me and when he does its just to call me barren and tell me there is no point to life if we cannot have children of our own. Makes me feel even worse considering I feel the same way. We have discovered that the problem is my eggs. My eggs are of poor quality and this is why our last IVF didnt go as well as expected. So once again I am a failure and everything is all my fault. What a totally shitty life! I give up!!!

Like getting a wrapped Christmas gift - a box full of air! :(

2007-08-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

OK I haven't updated because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. For that I am sorry. First of all my third pregnancy test came back 140.3 the numbers were doubling I couldn't believe it... I wasn't willing to admit it. Neither was my hubby... It was soo exciting and I was happy.. this was it it felt weird but I again I let myself get my hopes up. What a funny thing.. to consistently promise yourself you won't get your hopes up and then to be cautiously optomisitc to the point where positivity and smiles started seeping in. Eventually as weeks went by my tummy started to grow.. no not enough that anyone else would notice... but we did. My boobs got fuller and I started having the growls... which for me is my biggest pregnancy symptom.. suddenly I am hungry... I started reminicing about last time and remembering how I let those moments go by without truly appreciating them... this time woudl be different.. this time I would appreciate every single second of each moment. Eventually hubby and I started to talk about our future and making plans, we smiled and we were happy.. genuinely happy. It just feels like forever since we were that happy. He would curl up with me at night and cuddle into me and put his hands on my belly... I loved the thought of it. I had him convinced that this time it was a boy and I didn't want to know what it was until it was born.. yes we really needed something to hold on to and it felt so good to have that. We needed that so badly.. I don't think we really knew how much we needed it until we had it. Then 3 days before my 7 week ultrasound I saw pink on the t.p. I freaked out and had a total panic attack. Suddenly my happiness was crushed and I just saw it... this wasn't going to end well... AGAIN just like last year I had that feeling.. I call it wannabe mom's intuition. Monday the pink turned to brown spotting and I called the clinic and they put me on total bedrest. I will admit it was alot harder than I expected... getting up only to pee was weird but totally worth it as long as it helped my little Nemo survive.... Wednesday came and I went in for my ultrasound.. now a 7 week ultrasound is supposed to be an exciting time but I knew something was wrong and AGAIN noone listened to me. I took my sister with me because I needed someone who has been through it and someone who will be there for me and hold my hand. She was there when the embryo was transferred she should be there to see it for the first time. There was a gestational sac so technically yes I am pregnant... then I went pee and they inserted the wand... and then I could sense the tension... something was wrong.. I just lay there and stared at the ceiling and hoped I was wrong... I closed my eyes and thought of the last time I saw my daughters on the ultrasound screeen.. these beautiful baby girls curled into each other with no beating heart... I remembered how I cried and how hubby cried while they sat there and took measurements for 10 minutes... and how the look on the doctor's face broke my heart. She showed me the sac and said its just too early to see a yolk sac or fetal pole but the dr will discuss it with you further. As soon as I got to the waiting room I looked at my sister and I said now do you believe me? Its an empty sac... there is no baby. She still wasn't willing to admit it. Finally we met with the dr and he told me what I feared. There is no baby... If you don't miscarry soon then you will have to abort it. I have another u/s scheduled for 1:30 next Wednesday to see if everything is gone or what stage we are at. He told me that he was very sorry but unfortunately although I am measuring 6 weeks 5 days the sac is just too small and its not a viable pregnancy. I absoloutely cannot believe I am going through another loss. Five months or 7 weeks it still rips out your heart and breaks you in two. After all the pain and suffering and IVF/ICSI nightmare I am about to have a very painful miscarriage.... and if it all doesnt come out on its own.. I will need a D&C. I want to scream I want to cry I want to break stuff but mostly I just long for my daughters. Maybe its wrong of me to think like that.. and maybe it makes no sense but I hurt so badly....I loved all my babies... but I just don't know if I will ever get over losing my daughters. There really isn't a second of a minute of any day that I don't miss them.... but this has just brought my emotions back my feelings of failure and I just feel like I am useless. Hubby has been great he just wants to take a break and then we will make some decisions about when to try again and how to try again... I really am lucky to have him... He must be just as broken hearted as I am... maybe not as empty... but he definitely hurts too. Well the cramps are getting soo bad I am having trouble sitting up so I think it is really just a matter of time before everything starts coming out... I will update again soon enough....

More than Just a little Pregnant!

2007-07-14T06:57:00.000-07:00

Well

On 12 DPT I got a BFP. It was 10 which is a very very low number and not very promising. When the message was left for me it wasn't even a congratulations you are pregnant message it was a the number is 10 and its really low. Come back on Friday and we wil retest. If the numbers are doubling then that is a good sign. I went in on Friday and my numbers went up to 26.94. Which means they are doubling and I am officially pregnant. It is just beleived that it implanted late. If I didn't know better I would say it implanted the day after I got the 10 beta. I was cramping so much and having pains and then I has a spot of blood. So its a little behind but growing. Keep growing Nemo my darling. It is surreal to me that this is happening. Hubby is too scared to get excited and I am more scared than he is but I am looking forward to a better outcome this time. I talk to it daily and I got back for another beta on Monday to make sure the numbers are still going UP! Grow little Nemo GROW!

2007-07-06T16:18:00.001-07:00

I found this interesting article and I had to post it. Of course as a woman who has suffered with this infertility disease for many years and has been trying to have a baby for 6 years I can tell you I am fully aware of the risks but I am willing to suffer through anything for a baby.

Are fertility treatments damaging our children?
By TOM RAWSTORNE - Last updated at 12:00pm on 18th June 2007
Comments (5)
The desperation of the infertile would-be mother knows no bounds. Lee Cowden, aching to conceive, was pumped full of hormones to make her produce more eggs. The result? A trip to hospital — but not to a maternity suite.
"I was 25 and felt this excruciating pain in my chest," recalls Lee, a music therapist from Surrey. "I was rushed into intensive care in an ambulance, and it became pretty clear that, despite my age, I had suffered a heart attack.
"I'd suffered a clot caused by the fertility treatment I had undergone. I remember lying in my hospital bed, desperately worried. Not for my health, but because I thought that they’d never let me have IVF again, and I'd never become a mother."
Scroll down for more...

Can we trust the science behind IVF?
Then there's Jane Edwards, a 36-year- old accountant from Manchester. She'd been trying for a baby for five years and was delighted when a course of drugs designed to stimulate her ovaries resulted in a harvest of 24 eggs. That delight, however, was short-lived.
"As I was being wheeled out of the treatment room, my breathing became irregular and then stopped altogether," says Jane. "They couldn’t find a pulse and I had to be resuscitated in an emergency room.
"I was suffering from what is known as ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, and to make it worse the eggs were a no-go.
"So what did I do? Carried on with treatment, of course. I want to be a mum more than anything in the world."
While these stories of self-sacrifice may sound extreme, a quick look at the myriad internet websites dedicated to the subject of IVF reveal they are far from unique.
But what they also reveal is that while women continue to risk serious side-effects from the fertility treatments they undergo, they are also increasingly beginning to question what effects these procedures may have on any future child.
"The drugs give me banging headaches, hot flushes and temper tantrums," writes one 33-year- old member of an online forum. "If they make me feel like this, what are they doing to my eggs?"
Another asks: "I am so excited to be having IVF, but will any baby I have be OK?"
She's not alone in asking. For while three decades have passed since the first test-tube baby was born in Britain, doubts persist about its longterm safety.
From the U.S. comes research that the common practice of storing fertilised embryos can provoke genetic changes that may develop into mental and behavioural disorders later in life; from Canada come claims that IVF can increase some birth defects tenfold; while from Denmark a study of young men finds those conceived through fertility treatment are 50 per cent more likely to be infertile themselves.
Taken with the explosion in multiple births (with their own inherent health problems), is it any surprise that others are starting to echo the sentiments of fertility expert Professor Robert Winston?
Can we really trust the science behind IVF, Lord Winston has asked. Or is it just a 'mass experiment' with desperate women as the guinea pigs — and the results a timebomb that future generations will have to defuse?
Louise Brown, the world’s first testtube baby, was born in 1978 and became a mother herself last year. Her son, Cameron, was conceived naturally and this was hailed in some quarters as proof that IVF really 'works'.
Others, however, caution against attributing too much significance to this happy event. The treatment that led to Louise’s birth, they point out, was very different from today's.
Doctors waited until one of her mother Lesley's eggs had ripened, collected it and then fertilised it in a test tube with her husband's sperm before replacing it in her womb.
Since then, procedures have moved on, with more than three million babies worldwide conceived through Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART) — IVF, ovulation induction and intra-uterine induction.
In Britain, ART accounts for 1.4 per cent of all births every year — 10,242 in 2004 — while many more women undergo treatment unsuccessfully (the success rate among women under 35 is 28.2 per cent, falling to 10.6 per cent for those aged 40-42).
The main developments in ART have focused on manipulating the production of a woman's eggs through the administration of fertility drugs.
This has been both to control the timing of ovulation and to increase the number of eggs produced. The more eggs, the logic goes, the higher the chance of a successful pregnancy.
Once harvested, the eggs are fertilised in the lab while the woman receives hormone drugs to ready her womb for implantation. It is then hoped a normal pregnancy will ensue.
That's the theory — the practice is somewhat different. With relatively small provision of IVF on the NHS, the fertility business has developed into a multi-million-pound industry charging up to £5,000 for a single cycle.
With all parties desperate for results, the tendency has been to use more drugs to produce more eggs and — hopefully — more babies.
But critics claim this approach has resulted in increased risks to the mother (cancers, clots and hyperstimulation) and to the unborn child, as well as an explosion in multiple births.
Today, the twin birth rate is 23.6 per cent for IVF mothers, compared with between one per cent and two per cent in the general population.
Not only are they more likely to be born prematurely and underweight, but there is also a greater risk that they will be stillborn or with a disability.
Rules governing IVF mean that women under 40 in Britain can have two embryos implanted, while those over 40 are allowed three.
But the Human Fertilisation And Embryology Authority (HFEA), which licenses fertility clinics, is running a public consultation to examine whether single-embryo implantation should become the norm.
While this shift will address the problems associated with multiple births, it's not the end of the matter.
For reasons that remain unclear, there are also higher incidences of post-birth difficulties with single IVF babies.
Studies have shown that they are two-and-a-half-times more likely to have a low birth weight — and small babies are known to be more likely to grow up to develop vascular disease, diabetes, hypertension or osteoporosis.
Further, analysis of the records of some 60,000 deliveries in Ontario, Canada, during 2005 found the 1,394 babies born via ART were 60 per cent more likely to have defects than children conceived naturally.
Gastrointestinal abnormalities were most common, though the babies also had a higher risk of bone, muscle and heart defects.
Rightly, many will argue that the risk of birth defects remains low — affecting just 2.62 per cent of ART babies, compared with 1.87 per cent of naturally conceived babies. But there is a discrepancy.
Is it caused by the drugs taken to induce ovulation? Or is it some asyetunidentified aspect of a couple’s infertility that is passed on and which affects their offspring?
Equally intriguing is the fact that the research seems to suggest that the more far-reaching the intervention, the more likely there is to be some sort of long-term problem.
Researchers in the U.S. say the common practice of storing fertilised embryos can provoke genetic changes that may develop into mental disorders. In the UK, embryos are often cultured for five to six days after fertilisation so they can start to divide and grow.
Only the healthiest embryos survive to the 'blastocyst' stage — when they are a tiny ball of 60 cells — and are then handpicked to boost pregnancy rates.
Instead of implanting two or three embryos, couples can select the one which is showing the best potential.
But this storage period could ultimately harm the baby, according to the study by scientists at the University of Pennsylvania.
It examined the behaviour of mice whose embryos were stored in the laboratory before being implanted in the womb of a 'foster' mother. They were compared with those whose embryos developed naturally in the womb before being transferred. The mice whose embryos had been stored began to show behavioural abnormalities at four to six months.
Another area causing particular concern is a procedure known as intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI), which involves passing a single sperm directly into an egg.
This technique is often used when the man has a very low sperm count or very poor sperm movement, both of which make normal fertilisation unlikely.
Research has found that ICSI babies have three times the rate of birth defects of naturally conceived infants.
Could the actual process of injecting the sperm directly into the egg be damaging the child? And could the genetic defects that made the donor infertile in the first place be passed on to their children?
This question of second-generation infertility is an area of particular interest, and given the relative infancy of the science of IVF, it is something that will become clear only in years to come.
But, already, there is some cause for concern. A recent Danish study of 2,000 men compared the fertility of those whose mothers had needed help to conceive with those who were conceived naturally.
The team, from the Rigshospitalet in Copenhagen, found that 47 men born as a result of treatment had lower fertility.
Indeed, 30 per cent of these men had so few sperm that they were judged to be infertile by World Health Organisation standards — compared with 20 per cent of the men conceived naturally.
On average, men conceived through IVF had 46 per cent fewer sperm, and those they did produce were more likely to be inactive and abnormally shaped.
The men also had smaller testicles and lower levels of the male sex hormone testosterone.
The differences were more pronounced in 25 men whose mothers had hormone-based drugs. Their sperm counts were 60 per cent lower than normal.
While it is not known what drugs the women took, the likely candidates-— clomifene, human menopausal gonadotropin (HMG) and human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG) — are used by thousands of British women a year. Clomifene and HMG coax the body into producing more eggs, while HCG triggers their release.
The researchers acknowledged that the results could partly be explained by genetics, with infertile couples passing on their problems to their offspring, but also raised the possibility that the female hormones in the drugs may harm the development of the sexual organs of any male foetus.
It is, of course, important to acknowledge that the risks remain small — in other words, if a natural child has a one-in-5,000 risk of a deformity, even if the risk doubles through IVF it remains a remote possibility. But medics insist it cannot be entirely ignored.
"The risks certainly aren't so big that we should not use this technology, but we should use it cautiously," says Professor William Ledger, professor of obstetrics and gynaecology at the University of Sheffield.
"My worry is that more and more people are turning to IVF almost as a lifestyle choice, as a convenience. In some instances, say because of their busy lives, couples may not be able to sleep with one another enough to conceive naturally.
"If one of them is working in the U.S. and the other in London, they see IVF as a surrogate for sex.
"Alternatively, women are waiting to start a family until they are rather old, and then turn to IVF. They are not infertile in the sense of having a blocked tube or something similar — they have just left it too late to have a baby naturally."
Secondly, there is a growing school of thought that, given the uncertainties, IVF clinics should be attempting to provide as low a level of intervention as possible, reducing the risks to mother and child.
Known as Natural Cycle or soft IVF, it centres on single- embryo IVF treatment involving minimal drug stimulation. The emphasis is on using high-tech scanning techniques to identify a few high-quality eggs, rather than using high drug dosages to stimulate the ovaries to over-produce.
"Yes, you can get a lot of eggs with stimulation," explains Dr Geeta Nargund, head of reproductive medicine at St George's Hospital, London, "but 65 to 70 per cent tend to be abnormal. It is the quality, not the quantity, of eggs that determines a successful pregnancy."
Of course, not everyone is suitable for this treatment, but one woman who did benefit was Lee Cowden, 28.
Following her heart attack in 2004, Lee — who was infertile after being diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome as a teenager — was told it was too dangerous for her to continue with conventional IVF.
But after being referred to Dr Nargund, it was agreed she would try the low-dose approach, and within three months of starting treatment she became pregnant.
"I cried my eyes out when the nurse finally said: "Your pregnancy test is positive." I was so happy."
Lee's daughter Molly was born last November and is doing well.
"Following the heart attack, I kept thinking it was only a matter of time before doctors told me I'd never be able to have children.
"I've been on a roller-coaster ride, with some agonising times. But I'm lucky — my story has a happy ending."
That is something everyone can only hope and pray all the women whose lives have been touched and moulded by IVF will have, too.